D/s: Personal Spanking Plan

Every individual and couple is different. Not only do they have different desires, needs, and goals, the subs equally have different pain tolerances, and the Doms have different skill levels. And there is one area that is predominantly overlooked by Doms within the D/s community, their sub’s primary learning process (to be discussed in a future post). Therefore, it is beneficial for each D/s couple to establish a Personal Spanking Plan.

Six Ps

Proper Planning Prevents Piss Poor Performance

No couple should begin their D/s relationship until they’ve discussed and agreed upon every area of their relationship that will be affected by the change. Many D/s couples and practitioners create an overall Dominant-submissive Contract or Master Plan to solidify the agreement. It is good to have in order to refer back to when needed—as long as both parties remember that it is a living contract: a contract that changes as the couple’s wants and needs change.

I have known D/s practitioners that felt they didn’t need to put anything down on paper. Unfortunately, like eyewitness accounts, one or both partners eventually begin to recall what was agreed upon quite differently from each other over time. And without an actual agreement to refer back to, what could have been prevented becomes a problem.

[I will discuss various parts of D/s Agreements-Master Plans in future posts.]

The P.S.P.

The Personal Spanking Plan (PSP) is just one area of the overall D/s Agreement between couples. It will stipulate how the couple uses spanking within their D/s dynamic. It needs to be comprehensive, but it does not need to be complex. In fact, as I have mentioned in other posts, kat and I prefer the KISS method: Keep It Simple Stupid.

Keep it as brief as possible, but make sure to include every area regarding spanking that you include in your relationship. Basic areas to consider are as follows:

Type of spanking

Duration and intensity of spanking

Times to be spanked

Submission before, during, and after

Spanking implements

Straight spanking or included with BDSM

Combined with other punishments

Sub’s limits

Communicate, safe word, and aftercare

Remember, the basic areas listed above are merely guidelines. Each couple should consider their wants and needs and include all the areas that fit their D/s dynamic (including others not mentioned here).

Type of Spanking

There are three basic categories of spankings in the D/s world: pleasure, punishment, and maintenance. Most participants in the D/s world use all three in various combinations to suit their needs. There are also couples that only use pleasure spankings, and other couples that only use punishment spankings. And before anyone asks, no, I’ve never heard of any couple that only uses maintenance spankings (for the obvious reasons).

Pleasure spanking includes any form of spanking meant to arouse and satisfy the Dom, sub, or both. And it can be used in numerous ways, from the simplest vanilla love-taps to extreme impact orgasms, and everything in-between.

Punishment spanking includes any form of spanking used strictly as a disciplinary action against the sub for infractions, disobedience, and disrespect within the couple’s agreed upon parameters—including correction during training and probationary periods.

Maintenance spanking includes any form of spanking utilized randomly or during set periods to maintain the power exchange dynamic between the Dom and sub. It is a preventative measure to maintain the status quo of the D/s relationship and keep things running smoothly.

Duration and Intensity

Most experienced Doms shorten or extend the duration and intensity of the spanking based on the lesser or greater severity of the sub’s infraction. Many of them even have a simple rating system they follow: 1-5, 1-10, minor-medium-major, etc.

The two primary ways to deliver spankings is continuous and groupings. And Doms almost always have a preference. Some Doms prefer continuous only, groupings only, or a combination of both based on the severity of the sub’s infraction. I prefer groupings about 95% of the time, because it allows for simultaneous care of the sub between each group of spankings: to apply lotion, caress, fondle, insert or attach toys, etc. And I only use continuous spankings for specific lessons, sever infractions, or when going for certain impact orgasms.

Experience, observation, and communication with your sub—especially in the beginning of the D/s relationship—will help you discover what’s best for your situation.

Times to be spanked

Mature and experienced Doms know that you never punish a sub when you’re angry. A Dom must be in control of their mental and emotional faculties at all times so they can keep the sub protected and safe.

Competent Doms also know punishment should take place as soon as feasibly possible after the infraction for the best results as a deterrent for future behavior. This poses no problem if the Dom and sub are home alone at the time of the infraction; but if they are out in public, or if the Dom is not with the sub when the infraction occurs, then the punishment should take place no later than bed-time on the day of the infraction. It is okay to make a sub wait a few hours to anticipate what is coming, but it should always take place on the day of the infraction if at all possible. In psychology we learn that behavior modification works best when the appropriate consequence is given soon after the action.

Submission before, during, and after

As previously mentioned, every area should be selected specifically for your wants and needs, to fit your relationship. However, with that said, most experienced Doms have found requiring submissive attitudes and actions for all types of spanking beneficial.

Naturally, the sub doesn’t need the same contrite spirit for pleasure spankings that they need when being punished, but the submissive attitude and actions keep them mentally, emotionally, and physically focused in the couple’s D/s dynamic. It strengthens the bond between them and their Dom, enhancing the agreed upon power exchange.

Spanking implements

There are numerous types of readymade implements for spanking; along with many found objects around the house that can easily be substituted for additional spanking implements (I will touch on various implements in future posts). In fact, a book can easily be written on spanking implements alone. Therefore, finding the types that fit your relationship best can be costly, in time and money, although you can find inexpensive alternatives.

When choosing the implements keep in mind the following: what type of spanking will it be used for (pleasure, punishment, maintenance); what type of pain level (light stinging up to hard thumping, or somewhere in-between); what kind of marks will it leave; will it require healing time; what is your sub’s pain tolerance level, physical condition, and healing time; and is it within the agreed upon parameters of you and your sub?

I have been in the D/s world much longer than kat, my sexy sub, and have found benefits in a variety of implements when used properly. However, my favorite is still flesh-on-flesh (because of the intimate connection), but leather straps and belts, paddles, and various floggers are high on my list as well.

Straight spanking or included with BDSM

I won’t go into this in detail but it is another area needed to be discussed and agreed upon by Doms and subs. Will the relationship only utilize spanking in its various pleasure and disciplinary roles, or will it be used in combination with other areas in the BDSM world, to include, but not limited to, the following: bondage, gags, suspension, etc.

Combined with other punishments

Unlike the previous category, this does not mean combined with BDSM. The couple needs to decide if other punishments will go along with spankings. Will they make use of additional requirements, such as, but not limited to the following: standing, sitting or kneeling in the corner; washing mouth out with soap; given chores or tasks to complete, taking away privileges, being sent to bed early, or adding protocols, etc.

Some D/s couples choose not to have anything but spankings; others go into great detail on what types of punishment accompany different infractions. It is all subjective to each individual and couple based on their personal preference and D/s relationship dynamic.

Sub’s Limits

When deciding anything to do with your sub, especially if pain is involved (like spanking), be sure to take their limits into consideration. These limits should be established and agreed to during the communication period when Dom and sub are setting up their D/s relationship. It doesn’t need to be complex, but it does need to be comprehensive enough to insure the sub’s safety and peace of mind.

Most Doms keep it fairly simple, with just two or three categories. I prefer two categories, hard and soft.

Hard limits are those things that the sub absolutely does not want to do or have done to her. For instance, a sub with a fear of choking will probably put gags down as a hard limit.

Soft limits are the things that the sub is hesitant about, or has little knowledge or experience with at the time of the agreement, but she may change her mind later. Certain adult toys or punishment implements are often soft limits at first, but are later tried after the sub continues to grow during her D/s journey.

Communicate, safe word, and aftercare

Like all areas in the D/s world, these are used differently by different couples, but they should not be overlooked. And they should be strictly adhered to in the beginning of the relationship for as long as it takes for the Dom and sub to click together in a symbiotic existence.

Communicate before any activity utilizing pleasure-pain combinations or disciplinary actions. It helps solidify the D/s dynamic, builds trust in the sub for the Dom when they gain experience and see the actions mirror the words, it dispels irrational fears caused by the unknown, and yet it still allows arousal through anticipation of what they know to be coming; and in the case of discipline it clearly communicates what the infraction is, along with the consequence they’ll receive.

Safe word: remind the sub of the chosen safe word before any activity involving pleasure-pain combinations, restriction/constriction of movement, or gags (have a safe sign/gesture for gags, not word, for the obvious reason). When choosing a safe word make sure it is easy to recall while under stress and has nothing to do with D/s (examples= banana, purple, hopscotch, clown, etc). And when you select a word stick with it throughout the relationship; constantly changing safe words only creates confusion when the sub tries to recall what the new word is while under duress, which can cause a very bad consequence that could’ve easily been prevented.

Aftercare should be considered mandatory by every D/s couple. It is the Dom’s responsibility to keep his sub protected and safe, and that includes mentally and emotionally, not just physically. Too many inexperienced doms—especially those selfish ones strictly in it for the kink—fail to properly administer aftercare to their subs. And the subs develop sub-drop, which is an emotional bottoming out or depressive state that can easily be prevented with proper aftercare. [See my earlier post on combating sub-drop.]

Last word:

A plan does not need to be complex, although it should be comprehensive. But all couples embarking on a D/s relationship should constantly communicate and establish agreed upon parameters in every area affected by the D/s dynamic; especially in those areas where pleasure-pain combinations and punishment are involved.

Remember, this post is merely a guideline to get you thinking. Take the time and discover what is best for you and your partner.

Be safe but give it all you’ve got, because it can be “fan-fucking-tastic” when done properly, as kat continually reminds me.

16 thoughts on “D/s: Personal Spanking Plan

    1. Writing it out helps, but it is not mandatory. The main thing is that each couple has a well thought out and agreed upon D/s plan for their relationship. It does not need to be complex; in fact keeping it simple makes it easier to remember and follow. And it’s a living and ever-changing plan that changes as you both grow on your D/s-DD journey.

      When the goal and parameters of your D/s-DD relationship are understood and accepted by both Dom and sub it helps keep you psychologically in-tune with your positions and each other.

      Good luck to you and your man, Nora.


  1. You’ve raised some excellent points, Daddy, ones that need to be thought out and talked about in any relationship where spanking is utilized, before it takes place. Though surprises are nice in some areas, spanking/punishment is not one of them. All parties involved need to be on the same page in this area. All it takes is communication, as You have so often told me. And a caring Dom. 😊❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I couldn’t agree with you more, baby. Communication is the key for every couple finding their mutually agreed upon path… as long as it’s built on a foundation of love.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. We do punishment spankings; our rules are simple be honest, obedient, respectful and safe. We discovered that if Sir sounded perfectly calm while lecturing me during my spanking it didn’t get me to the right headspace. I need to hear his annoyance, his disappointment, his frustration; that’s what drives home the importance of my actions. Following the rules isn’t just good for me, it’s important to him. We also discovered that spanking for a set number of swats or duration of time doesn’t work for us either. He bases the severity (how hard) on the infraction, and spanks me until I’m in the right headspace.

    I know a couple who uses spanking for fun and alternate punishments for discipline, and a couple who doesn’t use disciplinary measures at all, the dominant’s disappointment is enough. I enjoy learning about how others view different aspects of D/s and how those aspect work in different relationships. I love the similarities and the diversity.

    Interesting post, AlphaJT, thank you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I greatly appreciate such a forthright and thoughtful response, Beth. I come from a psychology background and I’m always interested in how others successfully include the D/s dynamic within their lives and each situation as well.

      Liked by 1 person

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