As stipulated many times before, this blog is written primarily for loving couples in D/s relationships, or others who desire such relationships. While we accept the right of others to live as they choose, we write from the perspective of keeping romantic pairings strong. And we stress couples having a loving foundation above all else, along with communication, compatibility, respect, trust, honesty, and other positive relationship attributes—and then using D/s to enhance the relationship that’s built on a solid foundation.
The origin of the phrase has been attributed to Shakespeare, and he used the term closely and exactly in a couple of his plays to denote jealousy. In The Merchant of Venice, 1596, Portia states the following:
“How all the other passions fleet to air,
As doubtful thoughts, and rash-embraced despair,
And shuddering fear, and green-eyed jealousy! O love,
Be moderate; allay thy ecstasy,
In measure rein thy joy; scant this excess.
I feel too much thy blessing: make it less,
For fear I surfeit.”
And he used the phrase when explaining the cruel way cats toy with mice before feeding on them as a metaphor to human jealousy in Othello, 1604, when Iago states the following:
“O, beware, my lord, of jealousy;
It is the green-eyed monster which doth mock
The meat it feeds on; that cuckhold lives in bliss
Who, certain of his fate, loves not his wronger;
But, O, what damned minutes tells he o’er
Who dotes, yet doubts, suspects, yet strongly loves.”
I know the monster
I have a strong background in psychology along with many years investigating cases in four specialties. One of those specialties deals with all the negative consequences involving relationships—before and after they become domestic abuse cases. So, as you can imagine, I’m well-acquainted with and well-versed on the symptoms, temptations, and aftermath of the green-eyed monster.
Everybody fantasizes. And having a rich and diverse fantasy life can be healthy as long as it is enjoyed responsibly. That includes knowing which fantasies you may or may not choose to pursue in real life, as well as those that should never become reality. Unfortunately, there is no universal list that fits everyone. However, intelligence, common sense, and a little research by anyone who wants to know the truth can easily discover how succumbing to certain fantasies will infect, corrode, and eventually destroy your relationship.
Most people pursue fantasies for selfish reasons, but that doesn’t always make it wrong. There is nothing inherently wrong with pursuing pleasure for pleasure’s sake, as long as the individual’s search for pleasure does not create a hindrance for someone else; especially their mate with regard to couples. And this can get complicated in D/s relationships if the couple did not build their relationship on a solid foundation of love, honesty, compatibility, respect, trust, etcetera; or if they fail to put a high priority on communication.
Unfortunately, for many individuals and couples, when they pursue fantasy fulfillment they focus only on the pleasure that can possibly be derived from it. The other person’s feelings are often an after-thought. This happens a lot in new D/s relationships, especially with inexperienced Doms (male or female) that push their equally inexperienced subs too fast into many areas of BDSM that they’re completely unprepared for.
GG was encouraged by his girlfriend to pursue a D/s relationship with her. They were into the gothic punk scene and thought BDSM would help them grow to new levels individually and as a couple. And they chose to jump in without establishing a solid foundation, nor did they communicate well enough to create a safe environment.
GG was young and didn’t have the maturity to handle the responsibility of being a Dominant. He quickly became obsessed with the lifestyle and the power and pushed his mate way beyond her comfort zone. “I loved fucking hearing her beg for mercy,” he said. And he would make her feel guilty if she didn’t want to pursue his desires. But he pushed her too far: talked her into having a so-called ‘loving’ foursome, brought in two friends and they allegedly played out a gang-rape scenario.
Obviously it destroyed the relationship, all because of a selfish pursuit of pleasure. And that’s just an extreme example, although it is commonplace in relationships where individual happiness is more important than the collective happiness of the couple. But the same result can and often does happen when one partner succumbs to temptation on a much rarer basis.
CV talked her significant other into having a threesome with another female. She claimed she wanted to do it for him, since all guys are supposed to fantasize about having a threesome, but later admitted she had fantasized about being with another girl. And once it was done she felt it was pleasant enough, but not really her thing. Unfortunately, her mate became jealous of the lesbian action that took place, emotions festered, and they broke up a few months later.
Another consideration that is often overlooked when earnestly pursuing a fantasy is a brutally honest assessment of their own ability to handle the consequence of their actions. Many men and women have discovered too late that they did not possess the right personality, mentality, and/or maturity to endure the long-term consequence of their fantasy pursuits.
A variety of emotional and psychological issues may plague an individual at any given point during relationships, especially when pushing the boundaries for fantasy fulfillment. But I will just touch on a couple of primary issues seen in cases and research I’ve dealt with.
The male ego
A large portion of males have bought into certain stereotypes common in our society. Most of us know guys that think its okay to go to strip joints, have lap dances, watch porn, flirt with every female they meet, and even have a mistress; but if their wife or girlfriend acts the same way they get all bent out of shape.
Many guys claim they want to have the FFM threesome—often because it would make them feel like a “stud” to do two girls at one time. But some find out, like mentioned in one case above, that they feel emasculated if the girls get it on better together than they do with them. And the reason most guys don’t want the MMF threesome is because it sets up too many negative possibilities that their fragile egos must deal with. Questions like, does it make me seem gay, is he more masculine than me, does he have a bigger cock, is she going to fall for him, and am I supposed to touch him like girls do to each other in a two girl threesome, etcetera. And even when a male agrees to a MMF threesome it doesn’t always turn out as they imagine.
ZP agreed to a threesome with him, his wife, and another guy. “I figured it would be bitchin’ seein’ her banged in two holes,” He said. “You know, all the shit ya’ see in porn.” But the reality of it hit him much differently when it appeared to him that she was enjoying it way too much. “Damn bitch wanted it all… this hole, that hole, every fuckin’ thing. A cum’ suckin’ whore! I married a cum’ suckin’ whore! So I beat her ass an’ set her straight.”
His wife actually tried to work it out with him, if ZP willingly got counseling with her. But he only attended two sessions, so she filed for divorce.
Many men have a tendency to be singularly focused; they latch onto something and see it through to the end. And that trait can be a good thing in many areas, like a career pursuit or a job project. But it can also be detrimental if they fail to view the whole picture, like having tunnel vision when pursuing fantasy fulfillment and not taking into account all the possible factors before jumping in.
Yes, the male ego often plays a part in relationships, especially where the green-eyed monster is concerned, but females equally have their issues. And the most common seem to stem from self-image.
Female Self-Image Issue
Many relationship decisions, especially in D/s relationships, are made by women based on a poor self-image. Some push themselves beyond their comfort zones in an effort to grow—which isn’t necessarily a bad thing unless they push too hard, too fast. Others relinquish control, giving their Dominant the power and responsibility to push them beyond their limits, or mold them anyway they see fit—which again isn’t necessarily a bad thing unless the Dominant is immature, inexperienced, a poser, a sadist, etcetera.
Similarly, many females with a poor self-image have agreed to things they didn’t really want to do out of fear or a sense of obligation. They fear they’ll disappoint their mate, or they feel obligated to do anything to please their mate because they love them and want to make them happy. Again, these are not bad in and of themselves to individuals and couples that have considered all the factors before making it a part of their intimate journey. But they damage or destroy individuals and relationships when neither is properly prepared to handle the consequences of not guarding their intimacy, especially when bringing outsiders into their intimate life.
SI claimed to love her newlywed husband so much that she wanted to fulfill all his fantasies. “His biggest wish was to have his dick and tongue in pussies at the same time,” she said. And she helped it come about on Valentine’s Day. But she never considered that once would never be enough. “I created a monster,” she said. “He keeps pestering me to do it again. He’s even asked me to talk my girlfriends into doing it with us. So I’m thinking what the hell, am I not good enough for him anymore?”
Sadly, many women ask that question. They believe that if they were enough for their mate, their mate wouldn’t need to look at porn, go to strip joints, want threesomes, swing with other couples, or any number of other activities they feel disrespects them. And it’s a legitimate question based on the psychology of humans. And it will always be a problem for couples that don’t guard their intimacy, don’t have a solid foundation of unconditional love, and don’t communicate—communicate—communicate.
The human psyche is a wonderful but complex thing. Unfortunately, when humans crave something they’re not prepared for, the acquisition of it can let loose all manner of surprises—including the green-eyed monster.
Some couples, like me and kat, are too territorial to include others in their relationship. Some couples are too jealous. But for the couples that do not fall into those categories, and are considering including others into their intimate life, just make sure the relationship is solidly founded on love, trust, respect, compatibility, honesty, and maintain a high level of communication—because once it’s done it can never be undone.