The D/s dynamic has the potential to create a level of trust between couples (Dom and sub) that cannot be achieved in any other relationship. However, there is no guarantee that every couple that begins a D/s relationship will attain the highest level of trust possible within the dynamic, because there are always extenuating factors to be considered, and dealt with, by each couple.
For the sake of brevity—and the sanity threshold of most of us (he says with a mischievous grin)—let’s assume every couple pursuing a D/s relationship is mature enough to handle the unique dynamic. Great! That means I don’t have to bore you with the excessive amount of easily preventable problems plaguing the D/s world by the infantile, self-centered, and immature. You know the ones I mean: the wannabes, posers, and bullies that think being a Dom is synonymous with private pimp-dom and acquiring a stable of slaves. Or the salacious but non-committed subs that change Doms with each pair of panties, or sample them like Two-Ton Tessy at the bawdy buffet.
Now that’s settled, I’d like to discuss two basic categories: prior baggage and daily grind.
Prior baggage includes every physical and psychological (mental and emotional) problem carried into the relationship. Every hurt, heartache, and fear from past experiences, which can go as far back as childhood for some people.
Well-intended couples often go through unnecessary trials and tribulations because they do not address the potential problems that can arise from the baggage they inadvertently bring into the relationship. Too often they hope it will not rear its ugly head in this new relationship; but if it does, they say they’ll deal with it then. But that is like saying, “I’ll go get a spare tank of gas now that we’ve run out of gas twenty miles from nowhere,” or, “It’s time to purchase some condoms now that you’re pregnant.”
One of my favorite quotes states, “Intelligence without common sense is nonsense.” In the above situation we see that their plan is no plan at all, because nothing has been addressed, merely pushed aside.
You need to understand that every piece of physical and psychological baggage may carry some form of trigger attached that can irritate the condition. Although, many of those triggers can be placated, buried, or disarmed/disconnected if dealt with early-on or with regular maintenance if needed.
Dealing with physical baggage—although often long-term or permanent—is often easier to deal with than the other forms. For instance, I deal with certain physical problems as a result of injuries incurred during my time in the military. And those injuries can be (and have been) exacerbated if I over-step specific physical limitations. So kat and I do our best to remain within the physical limitations: even when pushing the boundaries for a greater D/s experience.
The psychological baggage—which includes all forms of mental and emotional issues—is often much harder to deal with than simply medicating or limiting physical issues. Sure, there are some that can be medicated, or dealt with using various forms of therapy; but those and many others can be exacerbated by a wide variety of triggers.
While I have more physical triggers to deal with, kat has more psychological issues as a result of past experiences. Unfortunately, for us both, there is no way of knowing every trigger that can ignite each psychological issue. Some were known by kat, and we discussed them in the beginning of the relationship. And during our relationship several more triggers have been discovered, discussed, and dealt with.
Sadly, there is no way to predict what the next triggers (if any) will be, because there is no pattern to base it on. It can be anything from a picture to a song; any sight, sound, or smell; or any action, expression, or fleeting thought; in fact, anything at all. Anything can be a trigger if the subconscious equates it with a traumatic experience.
Kat is no different than most people that have experienced trauma. She doesn’t need medication, and she doesn’t go to therapy (although my psychology training and experience has helped her in this area since we’ve been together). And it can happen to anyone, and can even lay dormant for extended periods before surfacing.
Dealing with each of these issues is as diverse as the variety of issues encountered. And since every individual and D/s couple is unique, I’m not going to blow smoke up your ass and claim there’s an instant cure-all. But as a D/s practitioner it is imperative that you address each issue that’s a part of your relationship. And it equally builds trust when you open up in these sensitive areas with your mate.
If you communicate and deal with each issue from the beginning of the relationship, and include any new ones discovered along your D/s journey, you will stay on top of things: often preventing issues, or quickly dousing them before they do much harm.
Kat has been amazed at the lack of severity and longevity regarding her issues since we’ve been together compared to her experiences prior to our relationship. And that is directly attributed to our addressing the issues early, constant communication, and specific actions (non-action in some cases) agreed upon for our relationship. And that includes the relationship itself, which is a positive factor, because it is built on a solid foundation of love, respect, trust, open communication, and other positives. And the more positive the relationship, which constantly makes positive memories, the less energy and power the negative memories can muster, so the negative triggers begin to lose their power.
The daily grind includes every issue that may arise through the daily struggle of maintaining a relationship in this day and age. It can include everything from daily routines to raising kids, from maintaining a work schedule to surviving a death in the family, and anything else we may encounter during life.
Naturally, the wide variety of possible issues equally means there’s going to be a wide range of emotions and reactions. Fortunately, like the above baggage issues, many daily grind issues can be discussed and plans set in place prior to their occurrence.
This doesn’t mean that every single issue can be addressed, that’s absurd. However, each couple can make a plan on how they choose to deal with the majority of daily grind issues: their methodology. For instance, except for emergencies and other serious issues (like a death in the family), kat knows that I consider most daily issues trivial. They are not worth getting into an argument over. I simply look at the issue, look at kat, and ask myself which is more important to me—and kat wins every time. And she knows that it’s my policy to never make her feel bad over something I consider trivial. So if she burns dinner, forgets to buy something while shopping, and leaves the Christmas lights on all night—and the toilet seat down (gotcha)—she knows I’ll never be upset for such trivial mishaps. We simply discuss it, find a solution, reaffirm our love, and move on.
Kat knows that there are just a few things that will get her punished.
I know this will not work for everyone, because we all have different personalities. I’m not telling anyone to do it our way. Our way is what works for us, period. But I am encouraging you to deal with as many issues upfront as you can, and establish a methodology for dealing with the rest of the issues when they arise. It is so much easier on both Dom and sub to know how issues are going to be handled before they occur.
When a Dom and sub establish good communication from the beginning of their relationship, and deal with every area that touches their relationship; including the aforementioned prior baggage and daily grind issues, it builds trust and solidifies the relationship’s foundation. And it alleviates many problems from ever occurring: a win-win all around.
PS: No, I don’t make kat keep the toilet seat up.