Arousal Non-concordance

Have you ever been really turned on, quivering and shaking, literally begging your Dom, “Please, please, please, fuck me now, Daddy (or Sir or Master)!” And he says, “Not yet, kitten (or whatever his pet name is for you), not till you’re soaking wet.” And you are not. Maybe he thinks you’re not aroused at all—after all, the proof is in the pudding…er…wetness of the pussy—when in fact you’re about to spontaneously combust.

Or your Dom wants you to try something new, and it doesn’t really do anything for you, but he thinks you’re not being honest because you got wet. Again, wetness = arousal.

This is called arousal non-concordance. It’s nothing new; science has been aware of it for quite some time. And it happens to both women and men, though a much higher percentage of women are affected. It happens when arousal (the subjective feeling of desire) and genital response differ.

All genital response says (in both women and men) is that the genitals are reacting to something they perceive as sexually relevant, and it doesn’t have to be something that turns you on. For instance, pressure against the genitals—think riding a bike or tight pants—can get a reaction. Even watching porn with content that disgusts you can trigger a response. And so can rape. Your genitals—not your brain—perceived a sexual relevance.

Arousal, which is the subjective feeling of desiring/enjoying a sexual activity, takes place in the brain, while genital response takes place in the genitals. And only about 10% of the time do they overlap in women. It’s around 50% of the time for men.

The beauty of D/s is that in this situation you have ample time for your body or mind to play catch-up, to sync. Sex in a D/s relationship is not hurried, it’s slow and sensual, an erotic feast of sensation. There’s no rush to the finish line.

Alpha believes in the school of thought that “foreplay begins after the last orgasm”. When we’re together, he constantly feeds my arousal through words, deeds, and touch, which are not necessarily of a sexual nature. He knows women, knows their arousal is very much based on emotion. He knows he needs to pull my mind and body together for us to have mind-blowing sex. And he knew this before either one of us had heard of arousal non-concordance.

I think arousal non-concordance is more of a problem for vanilla couples than ones who practice D/s, although it still can happen. But if it does, just slow down…maybe request a mind fuck (Works for me!), and reach for the lube. And above all, don’t stress about it.

14 thoughts on “Arousal Non-concordance

  1. OMG Thank you. This has happened so many times to me in my life, and I never knew what it was called, just that it was pretty common if it was happening to me so often. I used to get upset. When I was in swinging situations and it happened, sometimes if I mindfucked my partner (usually male), that would help. The female partners always knew and would ALWAYS mindfuck to try to get my emotions to catch up. Sometimes, I would have an (ugh) overly sensitive partner and he would take offense when the lube would come out (aren’t I turning you on?). That usually only happened with newbies, but sometimes even the most experienced of males would take offense (spare me from guys who think that all they have to do is a little finger action and a few kisses and viola! we are ready). I love it that I now have a word for it, and I love it that I now know another woman who knows to ask about mindfucking, because that is a HUGE way to play. I have no idea how I found your blog, I assume through Fetlife, but however I did it, thanks so much for being down to earth and so very knowledgeable.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your heartfelt comment! Many women (and even more men) think something is wrong with them because they don’t respond as men do, seeming not to realize that we are very different creatures in many ways—and that is okay. In fact, it’s wonderful! For the majority of women, when you fuck her mind, the body comes along. It’s sad that more men don’t realize that. It would be to their benefit to do so.


  2. It’s good to remind people that there’s a quick fix for something like this that occurs quite often to a lot of people. Hopefully it’ll stop a lot of hurt feelings. Excellent post, baby.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. The path to great, fulfilling sex isn’t as cut-and-dried as a lot of people think. I’m lucky in the fact that I have a knowledgeable Dom who in turn has taught me a lot. 😉
      Thank you, Daddy. ♥️

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I’ve had this happen in both directions – been really turned on but dry or only watery, and been very not turned on (during or after a punishment spanking) but sopping slippery wet. It’s nice to have a name for it. MrMan is more than happy to bring out the lube if he wants a quickie, or take the necessary time if he wants a longer session. And I’m just happy to be of service and used in either case. 😁

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It’s good that Mr Man is understanding, and listens to what you say and not just your body’s reaction. Not all men are like that.
      Thanks for reading, beth. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  4. “Alpha believes in the school of thought that “foreplay begins after the last orgasm”. When we’re together, he constantly feeds my arousal through words, deeds, and touch, which are not necessarily of a sexual nature. He knows women, knows their arousal is very much based on emotion.”
    – Daddy has been taking this approach too ever since my clinical psychologist said to me that women need to feel safe and loved before they get aroused. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. We’re both blessed to have Daddies who do their best to supply what we need…not all men (or women) are that loving and giving.
      Thanks for reading and commenting , Miriam. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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