BDSM Language Barrier

The inevitable problem
of being in D/s or BDSM
comes when talking to female or fella’
that are strictly vanilla.
It’s the language barrier
that gets harrier and scarier, as time goes by.
For instance, they think abrasion play
is like skinning a knee in a game of touch football,
while foot ball for a foot fetish
is an entirely different sort of touch.
Similarly, the vanilla set think bastinado
is a Nintendo fishing game,
instead of pain play to the soles of feet.
And pussy whipping to vanillas
can never be a politically correct treat.
Belting to vanillas has to do with fighting,
they don’t consider spankers and spankees.
And their handkerchiefs are mostly snot catchers,
not a BDSM code displayed with hankies.
Now, vanilla racks are either furniture or hunting trophies,
not BDSM codes of conduct or torture tables.
Vanillas often think fisting
is the act of a congratulatory fist bump,
not fist-fucking anus or vagina
like told in erotic fables.
Some vanillas think a ball gag is a juggler’s trick,
not something you can use on a sassy sub.
And they think a ball tie is a Father’s Day gift,
not a bondage position all secured to rub.
Some vanillas think a Black Sheet Party
has something to do with the KKK
instead of a BDSM orgy.
They think psycholangy is head shrinker lingo,
not cumming on command.
“Hot damn!” they say.
And they think rimming is a basketball term
or salting a margarita glass,
not lustfully licking an ass.
I even know a vanilla that thinks anal sex
is a hillbilly matrimonial warning,
such as, “Leave yer’ cousin be—
a’ no sex til’ yer’ hitched.”
And a vanilla switch is a parental tool,
attitude adjustment for a naughty child,
not a sub domming, or Dom subbing.
Oh, what a change of rubbing that makes.
Some vanillas think a bondage bunny
is a contraption for dispatching rabbits
in preparation for Mulligan Stew,
instead of a sexy sub tied and gagged
for her Dom to use as a Dom will do.
Scatting is a jazz term for vanillas,
not a type of fetish
requiring multiple showers to get clean,
and probably a plunger or Drano,
and it’s best to pinch your nose.
It gives a whole different meaning to,
“There she blows!”
Most vanillas think edging is used in yard work,
they can’t comprehend repeated orgasmic denial.
Plus, they think forniphillia
probably has something to do with flora and fauna,
but are obviously shocked to discover
it’s a sub used as home décor’, like a seat in a sauna.
Many vanillas think a gimp
is someone with a hitch in their git-along,
like a disabled vet;
so, it’s quite the rub to find it’s a gay sub.
In the vanilla world,
daughters are given away by fathers in matrimony…
a proud moment.
But quite the opposite when a Dom gives away
a sub to another Dom
for absolutely nothing in exchange.
“How strange,” they say.
Now, impact play to vanillas
remind them of demolition derby or cage fights,
not whips and paddles
for fleshy Dom and sub battles with orgasmic delights.
As for impalement,
vanillas consider things like splinters in fingers,
nails through feet, or sticks in eyes.
They can’t comprehend being bound in place,
orifices filled, and climactic cries.
In the vanilla world a parachute
is used primarily for skydiving,
not segregating scrotum and penis
for some pleasure-pain conniving.
As for stocks,
a financial investment for vanillas—
hopefully for gain.
But in BDSM it’s a place to captivate a Dom
with a captive sub
for humiliation, pleasure, and pain.
On and on I can go
with these various words and defined roles.
But, what’s the use?
We know the vanilla is often bland or mundane,
while BDSM is often pleasure or abuse.
And we come away thinking vanillas are boring,
while they often think…
we have more than a few screws loose.

Two important questions on sub needs

Miriam at miriam the brave commented on my last post, and asked the following questions:

How do you know what a sub needs? Sometimes even the sub doesn’t know.

Do you fear that in her relying on you to meet her needs she will not be able to on her own in the unfortunate situation where you’re no longer around?

I felt that attempting to answer the questions with a few sentences in the comment section would seem trivial and do her an injustice. The questions are too important. In fact, an in-depth answer could fill a book, but that’s not appropriate for a blog, so I’ll give a condensed version.

Qualifications
First off, am I qualified to answer Miriam’s questions? After all, as the saying goes “opinions are like assholes, everyone’s got one.”

I have a degree and background in psychology. I have over a dozen years investigative experience, that includes four specialties, one of which covers domestic relations and abuse. I also have extensive experience in inner city problems: battered women and children shelters, various halfway houses, gangs, etc. And I have nearly two decades D/s experience and research.

1st Question: How do you know what a sub needs?
The average Dom and sub are not psychologists or psychiatrists; so, allow me to give the four primary ways (or tools) the average D/s couple deals with this issue: communication, observation, research, and professional counseling/guidance.

Communication
I wish to clarify that my answers are specifically for 24/7 D/s couples with a foundation of love (I don’t believe part-timers and/or those who stick with public venues, dungeons, play dates, and casual hook-ups will acquire the level of intimacy and trust necessary to accomplish this properly).

To get the complete benefit from the power exchange in a D/s relationship open, honest, and constant communication is imperative. By loving and respecting each other enough to expose your secrets, fantasies, flaws, and other vulnerabilities you’ll reinforce your foundation and build a level of trust necessary to confidently tackle any issue.

Every individual and couple are different; so, the time required to build such an intimate connection is going to vary. But speed is not important, go at a comfortable pace for each of you. What’s important is building the intimacy, trust, and communication levels. The time will be well spent. We all know or have heard of couples that are so close they can practically finish each other’s sentences (similar to the two becoming one biblical concept).

Observation
If you, the sub, are openly, honestly, and constantly communicating with your Dom, they should become well acquainted with your behavioral traits. They will equally pick-up more by living with you, and observing you constantly (if they are making the effort to do so). They will begin to gain an almost intuitive sense of your positive and negative behavioral traits. And this intimate and intuitive level of observation will be used in conjunction with communication and the other primary tools to help decipher the sub’s needs.

Research
If the sub is dealing with one or more specific mental, emotional, and/or physical problems it would behoove you, both Dom and sub, to research and gain as much knowledge about the issues as possible. Remember, knowledge is power. The more you know about what causes the issues and the best available solutions or treatments, the better your chance at making the best decisions for you, your situation, and relationship.

Professional help
Sadly, many people have had atrocious childhoods, abusive relationships, or multiple traumatic experiences in their lives, which can easily cause multiple issues to deal with. And these issues may run the gamut from physical to mental to emotional, and require medical or counseling professionals to properly deal with.

Similarly, if Dom and sub need help understanding any of the research they’ve acquired, it’s better to get help from competent professionals, instead of taking advice from laypersons (D/s or otherwise).

Putting it all together
If everything goes according to plan the Dom will gain an intimate, almost intuitive, knowledge of his sub through continuous communication and observation. The communication and observational knowledge will be constantly compared to the knowledge acquired through research and/or professional assistance. And decisions will be made based on the collective knowledge.

[*In situations where neither Dom nor sub knows what the sub needs, you need to keep utilizing the tools. Keep communicating, observing, researching, etc. And even make use of trial and error until the need becomes apparent. Some issues take longer than others, and some people take longer, especially if there are multiple issues to deal with. But never give up!]

Real world example
Soon after kat and I met I discovered she had dark depressive episodes, which she claimed lasted as long as 7-10 days on average. Since this was during the long-distance phase of our relationship I wouldn’t be able to rely on observation much, if any. However, from the very beginning, kat and I have had an uncanny level of communication. So, I began learning as much about her past and present situations, including emotions, thoughts, fantasies, dreams, everything.

As a trained observer and active listener, it soon became very clear to me that kat—who had endured a few intensely traumatic experiences, along with two long-term negative relationships, and numerous years of emotional abuse—was dealing with all the emotional pain through an inappropriate method which she had started using as a child.

She had built walls around the bad memories, and when the memories and pain broke through she completely shut-down. She felt that feeling nothing was better than feeling the pain. Unfortunately, such methods are negatives not positives. They don’t allow positive solutions which tear down the walls and get rid of the pain for good.

Kat is an intelligent and strong woman. Unfortunately, she didn’t realize she was inadvertently prolonging her suffering with the inappropriate survival methods, because she had fought through it all by herself. She had never gone for any counseling.

I admired her strength and resolve, but she needed help, and I had the training and experience to help her.

We discussed the situation and I initiated a very simple plan that would begin during our long-distance phase, and continue for as long as necessary when we came together. The plan only involved four steps, but I knew they would work for kat—but it would take time (especially since we began it long-distance).

The steps are as follows:

When kat begins to focus on negative thoughts and emotions she needs to immediately fight back with positive thoughts and emotions.

She must never shut me out when she’s shutting down.

We’ll both focus on making an abundance of positive memories together to combat the negative memories (because there has been such a huge imbalance in her life).

[*This waited until we got together.] If she succumbs to a dark episode I will utilize a method of cathartic release to snap her out of it before it gets a strong hold on her.

Did the plan work?
We haven’t been together very long. However, though she isn’t completely rid of everything, the plan is definitely working. Kat has only had a handful of dark episodes since we’ve been together: all of them early during the long-distance phase of our relationship. And yet, even when still long-distance, instead of the 7-10 day durations, like prior to our relationship, the longest episode was 3 days (most were just a day). And, while she still has bad days, she no longer shuts down, she continues to function, and she never shuts me out.

2nd Question: Do you fear that in her relying on you to meet her needs she will not be able to on her own in the unfortunate situation where you’re no longer around?
As a Dom, I do not fear this in my situation with kat, for several reasons. I’ve already mentioned that kat is a strong and intelligent woman. And from the beginning of our relationship, which is built on a solid foundation of unconditional love, we view ourselves as loving partners in all things, including D/s. And the plan I designed for kat’s depressive episodes can, for the most part, be carried out by kat alone if necessary: especially after she’s been doing it so long. And the goal is to cure her from the depression altogether, a goal which is progressing very well, as mentioned above.

However, if per chance something happened to me before she was cured, the parts of the plan that I handle can be slightly altered so that kat could carry on alone, or with a new partner.

Doms predominantly have the last word in D/s relationships, but that doesn’t mean subs should have no word, especially with situations dealing with their mental, emotional, and physical well-being.

I value kat’s opinion, and want her in-put on every major issue before I make the final decision. And I would hope that all D/s couples would work and communicate wonderfully together. This way, if the sub, Dom, or both have issues they will discuss, research, plan, and institute the best plan they can, and the sub never has to feel she’s kept in the dark.

Last word
I understand that this is a condensed version, but all couples, even those with multiple issues to combat, can make good use of it. Keep your love and communication strong. Make plans specific to the sub (do not follow mine, it was tailor-made specifically for kat), and that can be altered for the sub to use alone if the need arises. Institute, maintain, and adjust plans to needs that are known—and never stop searching for answers to needs that are presently unknown: and get help if you need to.

Good luck.

A Dom that doesn’t know how to serve can never lead

I recently ran across a site that made a point of showing so-called doms outrageously bullying subs through physical, mental, and emotional abuse. As someone with a background in psychology and investigations (along with being in D/s for many years) I saw nothing being done that could be beneficial. It went way beyond any kind of cathartic release. It was completely detrimental and degrading to the point that, in my opinion, it would cause far more mental and emotional harm to the subs. All it did was boost the egos and satisfy the sadistic natures of the so-called doms. And any sub that has bought into the lie that they can somehow be made whole from past experiences through an overabundance of humiliation and degradation is going to wake-up one day to find they’re far worse off now then they were before.

Wannabes and posers hear about the power exchange in D/s relationships and figure being a Dom is a perfect way to feed their egos while fulfilling fantasies. You’ll rarely, if ever, see them in loving D/s relationships. They prefer the consent and trust foundations with less emotional baggage. They often haunt public venues: dungeons, play parties, online hook-ups, etc. They like to be little dictators with lots of rules and protocols, and many reasons to be punished.

There are many similar examples in real world situations. The political dictators that rule by force and manipulation because they are incapable of legitimate leadership. Military officers, often without combat experience, that continually thrive on protocols, regulations, and an abundance of inspections, as if that will somehow allow them to be viewed as “good leaders.” Or, teachers and professors with no real-world accomplishments in their chosen fields gaining reputations for being rigid and domineering in class. Plus, other examples too numerous to mention.

Each of the aforementioned may be in positions of leadership but they are not leaders. Real leaders understand and accept the responsibility of leadership. They must serve and fulfill the requirements of their position, which includes taking care of those they have authority over.

Yes, in the D/s world, the sub must submit and obey the Dom. But the Dom has the responsibility to serve the relationship and sub by fulfilling the sub’s wants and needs while keeping them protected and safe.

Therefore, as the title of this piece states, “A Dom that doesn’t know how to serve can never lead.” After all, there is a huge difference between being dominant and being domineering.

Wishful thinking

“Hey, Alpha,” said Fred. “How long do you think
you can keep up this D/s lifestyle?”
From now until then, the day that I die,
then in the hereafter, I say with a smile.

“I hear you squawk that mighty big talk,
but do you honestly think it’s for real?
Your sub has a say in how long you play,
and she may not feel like sealing your deal.”

The deal was set soon after we met
with the foundation of unconditional love.
We’ll have our play time, which may some day decline,
but the mindset and D/s dynamic still rises above.

A cornerstone of love, with honesty, respect, and trust;
plus, we’re mighty compatible, with communication the key.
So, the D/s lifestyle we’ve chosen will never be frozen,
we’ll keep it warm and active for all eternity.

It’s not about the sex, it’s about who we are,
even more to the point, it’s who we wish to be.
We feel it, we live it, we take it, we give it;
and if it brings happiness here, why not eternally?

 

All a Dom needs

See your sub kneel and reverently look at you

Smell the sweat of her inflamed body in service to you

Taste the elixir of arousal between her legs

Hear the whimpers, moans, and screams of satisfaction

and feel your bodies quiver together in the throes of orgasmic release.

 

On a good day—it’s all you’ll need.
On a bad day—it’s all you’ll need.