[Allow me to stress, as I often do, that this blog is primarily targeting loving couples in a 24/7 D/s relationship.]
Contrary to Hollywood’s scripted outcomes, the testosterone testimonies and campus confessions of coeds-gone-wild, and lackadaisical writers filling space or spitting out sound-bytes, make-up sex isn’t the perfect cure-all for all relationship problems. But far too often couples still buy into the hype.
Grandiose claims are everywhere, like Lauren Martin’s article entitled, “Why make-up sex is the best part of every relationship.”
Martin claims “fighting is just a precursor to sex,” that “fighting is no longer cold…but so, so hot” in the “realm of love.” She further claims, “We’d be lying if we said that most of us haven’t picked a fight for that special reconciliation that comes right after it.”
If true, what does that say about human relationships, or the species in general? Yet, there are those who obviously accept such superficiality.
In a Men’s Fitness article by Amber Madison, entitled, “The guy’s guide to make-up sex,” she gives a four-point plan on how to zip through the fight with one goal in mind—to get to the sex quicker!
Well, it’s nice to know they have their priorities straight. Though I imagine these same deep thinkers probably wonder why their relationships fall apart, and why there’s a fifty-percent divorce rate.
Sex is a weak foundation
I have never seen or heard of a successful life-long relationship built solely on a foundation of sex.
Sure, sex can be passionate, exciting, playful, kinky, and many other things; but no sex, no matter how good, can sustain a relationship alone.
Even if you could engage in sex two hours a day, every day, that is still only one-twelfth the time you and your mate are together. And what happens when it becomes less and less time having sex? Or, when adjustments have to be made, along with times with no sex, because of illness, injury, or age
Where does that leave people like Martin, who claim make-up sex is the best part of every relationship?
Loving relationships should be built on much stronger foundations. They need to be built on a solid foundation of unconditional love, and fortified with compatibility, constant communication, honesty, trust, and mutual respect. Sex, especially in D/s relationships, should be used to enhance the loving relationship that is solidly grounded and fortified.
Make-up sex is no cure-all
There are situations where make-up sex seems to shine, but that still does not make it a positive.
In an article entitled, “5 Things No One Tells You About Make-Up Sex,” by Elizabeth Enochs, she claims make-up sex can be “superhot,” but only if arguing over something “stupid and trivial,” like whose turn it is to take out the trash. She goes on to say, “…in my limited experience, relying too much on make-up sex to smooth things over with your partner is both unhealthy and unsatisfying in the long-run.” And she further contends that if sex is used “to avoid talking about problems, or you frequently replace apologizing for inappropriate behavior with post-fight sex sessions,” it will almost always disappoint you, as well as damage your relationship.
Martin acknowledges the negatives, but takes a cavalier attitude. She says, “Of course, make-up sex can many times just be a diversion from the real problem. Instead of talking, couples are taking to the sheets and the problems aren’t getting resolved. But who cares?” (emphasis added)
Well, obviously she doesn’t care. And how many other relationships fall into disrepair because of such foolish beliefs?
In a Psychology Today article, Seth Meyers (Psy.D), states, “In general, make-up sex is bad news because it reinforces fighting and emotional drama.” However, he does stipulate that, “In a healthy relationship, two people can come together after a disagreement and share physical intimacy because they feel close.” But he goes on to say, “the search for greater intimacy and trust isn’t what motivates most make-up sex.” He claims, “most make-up sex results from having felt and expressed extreme negative emotions during a heated argument, without any true resolution afterward.” The individuals “hunger to switch gears and jump to the opposite end of the spectrum—to feel the high that comes with making up.” And for emphasis, he contends, “Honestly, it’s not that different from an addict who needs a hit of cocaine.”
Unfortunately, for relationships, it can be just as destructive as a drug addiction.
KG: It started slow, but picked up steam quickly. We were like sparring partners, bantering with words until someone said something bad enough to begin the fight. Boom! It was on. But then I didn’t care. I’d let her think she’d won just to fucking get it on.
(KG’s relationship was over just shy of a year.)
BP: We both had fiery tempers. We fought a lot. It made for great sex. Passionate, ya’ know. But nothing ever got settled. So, we split.
SY: Every weekend like clockwork, he’d drink then pick a fight. It was a game, a damn game. I knew because he never ever wanted to seriously discuss anything. Then he used that ‘never go to sleep angry’ line to push for make-up sex. And he wouldn’t stop till he got it, no matter how long it took. So, I gave it up just to shut him up—but I hated every minute of it. And soon hated him just as bad.
The intensity some people feel during make-up sex is often misconstrued as loving intimacy. Sadly, it is not.
Meyers states, “During make-up sex, couples often express extreme positive emotions, and they reach a momentary state of bliss. They declare grand statements of love and feel, in that moment… they belong together.”
Meyers rightfully contends that is not real intimacy. “Intimacy is about mutual love and balance, while drama is about extremes and fantasies.”
Allow me to state once more, make-up sex is no cure-all, and it’s not real intimacy. In fact, it is usually after couples have experienced the passionate sexual release that they go the other way: they feel sad, depressed, and even lonely when all the unresolved issues come crashing back into their minds, along with the old feelings.
Too many negatives
In my research, observation, and experience, I’ve come to the conclusion that make-up sex has too many negatives in the long-run.
For the most part, it fails to resolve the issues argued about, and it will not make you forget the issues when they come crashing back after the sexual stimulation settles.
The actual sex act rarely lives up to the hype; and even when it does, the unresolved issues bring disappointment and frustration. And when make-up sex sucks it compounds the issues even more.
Likewise, too many couples think make-up sex is an appropriate substitute for apologies and communication. They are wrong on both counts. Such beliefs and actions teardown respect and trust.
Similarly, the couples that succumb to the addictive qualities of make-up sex, discussed by Meyers, develop an unhealthy habit that eventually takes its toll on the relationship.
In my opinion, and the preponderance of evidence seems to back it up, the only time make-up sex shows any value is following trivial arguments (like whose turn it is to walk the dog), or when the argument topic is actually a lack of sex.
If you build your relationship on a solid foundation of unconditional love, and fortify it with compatibility, constant communication, honesty, trust, respect, etc., you will be able to deal with problematic issues appropriately. Such a foundation also allows for a vibrant sex life that can be passionate, playful, exploratory, completely satisfying—lacking nothing. You will not need to be tempted with the myth-factor of make-up sex which, in the long-run, does more harm than good. In fact, loving couples that communicate well, and resolve issues quickly have better sex lives (quantity and quality) then couples that argue a lot with many unresolved issues. And they spare each other the hurt feelings.
Hopefully, you’ll make your choice based on your heart and mind, and not on your libido.