D/s: Self-Discovery after an Unhealthy Beginning (Part Two)

My initiation into the world of D/s—BDSM began with an unhealthy relationship with an older woman that lasted from age 15-17, when I severed it to enter into the military: discussed in Part One.

The relationship ended, but it was merely the beginning of my D/s journey. A journey that has spanned a few decades.

I received injuries during my time in the military that left me partially disabled. The injuries, along with the way the system constantly jerked me around, added to the anger issues I had been suppressing for years. The combination of issues made it difficult for me to transition back into society after my discharge.

One of the things that helped me through this awkward period was periodic participation in D/s. It was cathartic. It fed needs, satisfied wants, and decompressed me enough that I could keep the anger in check (at least most of the time).

Unfortunately, fate, chance, or a hell-spawn with a bad case of hemorrhoids sent a childhood sweetheart crashing back into my life.

In hindsight, I can see that I was hoping she would bring calm and a sense of normalcy to my chaotic existence. That hope clouded my mind to warning signs and common sense.

I had backed away from my faith years earlier. So, we were married in a TV station instead of a church.

Well, not only was the marriage not blessed, it appeared to be cursed from the start. And it crashed and burned within a couple years when I realized she could not stop spreading her legs for other guys, while I was working two jobs and going to college trying to build us a future.

Needless to say, when someone who claims to love you makes a habit of backstabbing and betrayal, it creates a “bad taste” in your mouth for long-term relationships. So, after the divorce I played the field for over a decade and a half before I ever considered another long-term relationship. A relationship I never would have entered into if it had not been for D/s.

My participation as a Dom in D/s encounters during this lengthy period helped me reconnect to parts of my alpha personality and belief system I was raised with. Parts of me that had been damaged as a result of the unhealthy relationships in my past.

I regained my love and respect for women, which had not disappeared completely, but had been tainted because of the unhealthy relationships. And, as a Dom, I took the responsibilities seriously. I made sure the wants and needs of the sub were fulfilled, even if it meant sacrificing my own. And when I had returned to that level of interaction, as a result of D/s participation, I knew I could once again handle a long-term relationship: the way I believe it should be handled.

The next long-term relationship turned out to be my first long-term D/s relationship since the unhealthy relationship I had as a teenager. And my first 24/7 D/s relationship.

The relationship with my second wife was very different from anything I had prior. It became evident early on that—although she had strength in some areas—she wanted and needed a lot of control. As a result of past events she literally dreaded making decisions.

As luck or that hemorrhoidal hell-spawn would have it, total control over the family was inevitable. My wife became terminally ill and fought valiantly over the next seven-plus years before passing.

It took a combination of my regained faith, the belief system I’d been raised with, my alpha personality, and my strong commitment to the responsibilities of being a Dom to endure those mind-numbing, physically taxing, and heartbreaking years. Days, weeks, months, and years that flowed together in a fog of little or no sleep. Taking care of her and her young son, running the household, and working full-time. Giving up sleep to caress and massage her for hours because it was the only way we found for her to be able to sleep when the pain got too bad. And yes, even having to find time and ways to give her pleasure—because the illness robbed her of most activities she had once done.

Why? Because it’s a man’s responsibility. And I could not be a good mate or Dom if I wasn’t a good man to begin with.

The American system I once bled for, became partially disabled for, and use to praise fucked me over soon after my wife died—and without the common decency of a kiss or a reach-around.

It was the financial crash of 2009. And “Dear old Uncle Sam” bailed out the financial “wizards” that caused the crash but did absolutely nothing for millions of innocent Americans that lost everything.

Needless to say, having no time to grieve properly and seeing 30-years of work and savings flushed down the governmental toilet did not put me in a mood for any long-term relationship.

Subsequently, all I could emotionally handle at that point were some “friends with benefits:” most of which were vanilla with an occasional kink thrown in. Except one. She was all for D/s but pushed marriage quicker than a Las Vegas drive thru chapel.

Several years past, and I became convinced that I would never have another permanent relationship. But, like the adage states, love comes when you least expect it. And, in this case, it also came from where I never expected it: online.

Those of you that have followed us for any length of time know that kat and I began with a long-distance relationship before coming together.

We both had two prior marriages. And she, like me, had not been seeking, nor wanting, any long-term relationship. But we could not deny how compatible we were, or the uncanny way we communicated from the beginning.

It was like a breath of fresh air to have a strong woman that knelt out of love and respect instead of one that purely needed to be controlled. Though, I have nothing against women with weaker personalities: I’ve known many that were both interesting and lovable. But, as a natural alpha I prefer the added challenge of a strong woman.

The 24/7 D/s relationship that kat and I agreed to is absolutely nothing like my prior long-term D/s relationships. Sure, she has relinquished control of her body to me, and accepted me as the head of the relationship. But she neither wants nor needs to be micro-managed or burdened with an overabundance of protocols. Which leaves more free time to simply enjoy each other’s company.

After decades in leadership positions, both in and out of D/s, I am way beyond the need for constant control of every little detail. I prefer my natural style of leading by example and delegating when necessary.

I hope my D/s journey will continue and reach the final end with kat. I never loved anyone as much, nor felt as compatible with anyone like I feel with her. And as I have come to know myself better throughout my journey, it is nice to be in a relationship that seems practically tailor-made for me, where I can just be myself. And what can be better than that?

It doesn’t mean that kat and I don’t have problems. We do. In fact, we’re dealing with issues presently that have sparked kat’s depression triggers. But, above all else, we’ve built this relationship on a foundation of unconditional love. So, we’ll continue to love each other, keep communicating, and weather this storm like all previous storms.

Last Word:
My D/s journey started in a very inappropriate way. It has not always been enjoyable, and I would caution anyone from entering a D/s relationship without some serious thought and making sure to find the right partner. But after several decades of D/s experience it has truly been a journey of self-discovery. And, similar to my faith, and the beliefs concerning manhood that I was raised with, I would not be the person I am today without taking the D/s journey.

D/s: Self-Discovery after an Unhealthy Beginning (Part One)

This is an unusual post for me, since I will touch on an incident that I have only told one person (kat) in my life. It took place long ago and has lost its main power-hold over me; although, I must admit it is still a little embarrassing to me because of my alpha personality. Even though my mind tells me I was only 15 (less than half the age of my manipulator) the alpha in me still has a hard time admitting I was manipulated.

 

My D/s journey began during my teen years in a time before the “information age.” Back then you could not use a computer, I-pad, or smart phone to connect to the web: letting you fingers surf online with keyboard and mouse to find an overabundance of fetish fare.

I suppose you can say I was initiated into D/s the “old-fashioned” way. An older woman—who I later learned was married—plucked me from my fairly normal vanilla world of teen sex and immersed me into the darker world of kink.

She had recognized my natural alpha personality while observing me dealing with others my age. And she decided to open my eyes to the world of D/s by guiding me into a dominant position. In other words, she topped from the bottom in order to get the satisfaction she craved.

Now, for any of you who think I’m bragging because of my young age at the time, allow me to set the record straight. This woman used her age, experience, and education to seduce me…along with her position of authority, because she was one of my teachers. That’s how she continually observed my actions with others my age. I even found out later that she had a Xeroxed copy of my education file.

I had personal issues and was expelled from every local high school. So, I was eventually sent to a continuation school two cities away from where I lived, where this woman taught.

With her instruction and my alpha personality, it didn’t take long before I assumed control in the bedroom. However, she used a combination of seduction, veiled threats, and various rewards to keep the relationship going.

Unlike today, this was during a time when you did not constantly hear of teachers getting busted for sexual-misconduct with students. Plus, no one wanted to believe a woman was capable of such behavior (which is still the case in some areas). And on top of that, no teenage male (especially an alpha) wants to admit he was taken advantage of by a female.

Fortunately, for me, I’ve always been a quick learner. So, I didn’t just learn how to become dominant in the bedroom. Since I figured I was stuck in the relationship for a while, I decided to take advantage of it. I countered her techniques with similar ones of my own: especially the veiled threats.

In exchange for not exposing her to the cops, school, and her husband she gave me control over her body, along with various other rewards. And she willingly agreed. Sure, she didn’t want to be exposed, but she truly craved the rough sex. After all, she initially broke the law in order to get me to fulfill fantasies and scratch a sexual itch her hubby wasn’t taking care of. And you can bet I made sure the sex continued to get rougher until I severed all ties with her at the end of my junior year, when I enlisted in the military.

One of the last things I did prior to getting on the plane, was send a short letter, an audio cassette, and a half-dozen photos to her hubby. And from that point on I never looked back (except during a period of introspection many years later and while completing my psychology degree). I became a member of an elite military unit and had no time for such things. And, to this day, I don’t know what her hubby did with the information.

I grew-up, moved beyond that negative period, to a point it no longer mattered. Although, there is a part of me that hopes her hubby did not just require a “pound of flesh,” but actually made a few calls.

As a natural alpha, I will most likely never find a way to look favorably on the woman that initiated me in the D/s world, because of the anger and sense of powerlessness—or rather power loss, since I still had power among peers—that I had to overcome. But, I must admit, that D/s would become an integral part of my life from that point onward.

I attempted to compensate for the initial feelings of lost power in the unhealthy relationship with the teacher early on. I took what I learned of D/s—BDSM and used it in relationships with girls my age. It fed my need to dominate, which I had to grow into and fight for in the unhealthy relationship.

Unfortunately, because of the unhealthy relationship (and another incident), I would abstain from a 24/7 D/s lifestyle for a very long time.

I participated in D/s while playing the field. And, since my first marriage only lasted a few years and left the proverbial “bad taste” in my mouth regarding long-term relationships, I spent over a decade and a half playing the field before considering another long-term relationship.

During that period, I dated a lot. Most of those dates were with vanilla girls that might accept a little kink now and then. But, the law of average equally made sure girls in the areas of grey-to-black crossed my path from time-to-time. And with each D/s encounter I took the opportunity to expand my knowledge, because it continued to feed needs within me.

Sure, it fed my need to dominate, along with satisfy fantasies, but it also got me back in touch with my need to satisfy the wants and needs of the submissive female, while keeping them protected and safe.

D/s also allowed me to regain my love and respect for women, which had been damaged as a result of the unhealthy relationship. It likewise helped me reconnect and transition back into society after being wounded in the military. And it equally helped me become more accepting of my inner and outer scars through the acceptance I witnessed from legitimate practitioners in the D/s—BDSM world.

My long-term, on-again off-again, participation in D/s has truly been a journey of self-discovery… which I will continue discussing in Part Two of this piece, that will be posted Friday.

Alpha’s Bawdy Word Play: 5th installment

This is a modern version of Bawdy Word Play, Erotica, or Tongue Twisters from the Vaudeville & Burlesque periods.

 

Nasty Nick
Nasty Nick could do a trick with his dick
That made all the girls float in sub-space
It was flexible when hard, and played the dance card
It slithered in, then shivered and quivered…
In each fem-fuckable place

A Taste of Dominance
I love to mingle my mustache with your female fleece
The perfect triangle, appearing to dangle
Just above the bud of your rose
I’ll mimic the Eskimo, rubbing nose to rose,
Enjoying the odoriferous emanation
As you shiver and shake, with clitoris awake
Then I’ll spear it with my tongue for a taste
Awakening your imagination
I’ll nibble and lick, and finger and flick
And slather your slit from crack to clit
Hot Damn! I love this part of a sub’s domination
A succulent pussy so aroused and juicy
A feast worthy of the most discerning connoisseur
Untouchable to all but me…
An obedient sub to her Dominant Sir

A Slut
A slut has a snatch that’s an easy catch
It is often given away
A slut lives for lust, with implied consent and trust
And she’s always ready to play
A slut that’s understood, thinks all sex is good
Lips, legs, and ass, just spread her
With her, sex is a drug, she wants no holes unplugged
Every session with her is a triple-header

Harry the Hedonist
Harry the Hedonist paid for a fetish rape scene
That got out of hand with extra amphetamine
Two girls made to play
Were really raped that day
In a manner most foul and obscene

Harry the Hedonist was a proud Libertine
So, he came to court with a plan to come clean
He said he was high
And both girls did lie
Now he’s serving twenty, with a butt full of Vaseline

Alpha’s Bawdy Word Play: 4th Installment

A modern version of the old Vaudeville and Burlesque bawdy humor, erotica, and tongue twisters.

 

No Wasted Days or Nights
Wasted days when nights are nigh
Wasted nights when sun is high
But never a day is wasted when
And never a night if you surely begin
To pleasure your treasure between her thighs
A kiss, a nibble, a tickle or lick
A finger, a tongue, a hard-throbbing dick
A whimper, a moan, “Oh my!” goes her cry
“To ever be without it, I shall surely die!”
If you elicit that cry, a good man you be
Just never break her heart… and always satisfy her pussy.

Karaoke
Karaoke is a joke to those who cannot sing
Some balk, most squawk, causing eardrums to sting
It’s odd how people that can’t carry a tune in a bucket
Forego self-respect, get up and say, “fuck it”
Some croak like a bullfrog, some squeak like a mouse
Some bark like a dead dog in an old haunted house
Some neigh like a jackass imitating a mule
And most are tone-deaf: I think it’s a rule
Some snort like a pachyderm with a cold in its trunk
And many slur words like a droopy-lipped drunk
Some snicker like a virgin with wedding night jitters
Others snap, crackle, and pop like they’re deep-frying fritters
And many wheeze, sneeze, and cough while the crowd does scoff
Though most never seem to notice with their heads in the clouds aloft
Perhaps that’s the secret to having fun
Be completely tuned out… or just plain dumb
Anyone for karaoke?

3 Pecker-heads
Willie, Wilbur, and Walt One-Eye
All from the same Pecker-head kin
Chose a nymph with a penchant for
Skin upon skin upon skin
Willie chose the oral route
He had a hankering for a hummer
Wilbur’s load went in the Vaginal Road
His favorite choice is a moist new comer
And Walt, who was flirty, liked it down and dirty
So, he popped the Anal Highway
The tight enough to cry way
And he spanked and beat it like a drummer

Mistaken Ex
My Ex mistook boys for men, and thought I’d be a cuckold
They came at me with dicks in hand, thinking they’d be suckled
I made them all scream
I made them all ream
Then beat them senseless with a belt unbuckled

D/s-BDSM: Is it degrading to women?

In the ‘information age’, when an abundance of knowledge on practically every human topic is just a mouse-click away, I am still amazed at the amount of myths that not only refuse to die but seem to flourish.

A standard myth attached to D/s – BDSM is the misconception that the majority of these relationships—and the subculture in general—thrive on the degradation of women. And yet, it’s a myth that could not be further from the truth.

In all areas involving human participation you can find a bad element. BDSM is no exception in that respect. However, it is a miniscule percentage that is usually found among posers and wannabes that predominantly slither in and around the public venues and online hook-ups.

Personal Experience

The male role-models in my life predominantly taught me to follow the traditional values regarding females: love, cherish, honor, respect, and protect them. And, for the most part, I adhered to those teachings. But, not always.

In all honesty, there was a very confused and chaotic period in my life—much of it created through the actions of females—when, as a natural alpha, I consciously suppressed my normal inclination to protect the fair sex.

During that chaotic period, though filled with anger, I was still able to recognize various areas in society where sexism was either blatant or disguised. And even through the anger it bothered my sense of fair play.

It was also during that period that I became aware of the BDSM community.

Following a lengthy period of introspection and self-discovery I overcame my anger issues. And I quickly became aware of how my natural alpha personality fit comfortably into the D/s lifestyle. And the traditional views I had been taught since birth (how to honor, respect, and protect women, etc.) seemed tailor-made for being a Dom, and the responsibilities of the position: fulfilling the sub’s wants and needs while keeping them protected and safe.

The Power Exchange

Much of the myth claiming BDSM is degrading to women centers around misconceptions involving the Power Exchange customary in D/s relationships.

Much of the vanilla world is under the false belief that Doms are all male, subs are all female, and subs automatically give over total control to Doms; which, those of us involved in D/s relationships know is completely absurd.

All Doms are not male. All subs are not female. And, like the rest of society, all D/s relationships are not just male and female.

The Power Exchange is not an all-take, one-sided proposition. It is a negotiated agreement between two equal partners that is built on a loving, or consent and trust, foundation. And the more control given up by the sub transfers an equal amount of responsibility to the Dom to fulfill the sub’s wants and needs, while keeping them protected and safe.

Fem-doms / Dommes

While the Power Exchange shows both Dom and sub are equal partners in D/s relationships, the fact that there are fem-doms (Dommes) reaffirms the BDSM community’s acceptance of female equality.

Any culture, or subculture, that allows females to occupy the position of power subsequently cannot be a culture that predominantly degrades women.

Sub humiliation

Some myth defenders would like people to believe that because there are predominantly more female subs with male Doms involved with scenes or sessions using humiliation / degradation actions and words, it “proves” D/s is more degrading to women. But, that is completely illogical.

Doms only use humiliation / degradation in scenes after communication with their sub shows the sub’s desire and consent to have it used. In fact, any Dom that uses humiliation without consent is a poser or wannabe, and the sub should flee as fast as they can.

What others say

GS says: I’ve never felt degraded as a woman involved in D/s. I actually feel empowered.

KT says: I have gained strength during my two-years in the BDSM community. I have been able to do things I never thought I would be able to do for myself, for my pleasure and sexual growth.

PD says: My mate is my Domme. She has the control. And the humiliation to me is consensual.

JB says: Being involved in BDSM has allowed me to grow into the woman I’ve always wished I could be concerning my sexual identity.

Last Word

Let me iterate, in legitimate relationships in the D/s – BDSM community, Doms and subs are always equal partners. And any humiliation or degradation is primarily consensual (except in situations with posers, etc.). Unfortunately, as long as the vanilla world reads or watches misrepresentations of the D/s – BDSM world, myths will continue. Only through familiarization of the real thing will the myths dissolve.