D/s: Self-Discovery after an Unhealthy Beginning (Part Two)

My initiation into the world of D/s—BDSM began with an unhealthy relationship with an older woman that lasted from age 15-17, when I severed it to enter into the military: discussed in Part One.

The relationship ended, but it was merely the beginning of my D/s journey. A journey that has spanned a few decades.

I received injuries during my time in the military that left me partially disabled. The injuries, along with the way the system constantly jerked me around, added to the anger issues I had been suppressing for years. The combination of issues made it difficult for me to transition back into society after my discharge.

One of the things that helped me through this awkward period was periodic participation in D/s. It was cathartic. It fed needs, satisfied wants, and decompressed me enough that I could keep the anger in check (at least most of the time).

Unfortunately, fate, chance, or a hell-spawn with a bad case of hemorrhoids sent a childhood sweetheart crashing back into my life.

In hindsight, I can see that I was hoping she would bring calm and a sense of normalcy to my chaotic existence. That hope clouded my mind to warning signs and common sense.

I had backed away from my faith years earlier. So, we were married in a TV station instead of a church.

Well, not only was the marriage not blessed, it appeared to be cursed from the start. And it crashed and burned within a couple years when I realized she could not stop spreading her legs for other guys, while I was working two jobs and going to college trying to build us a future.

Needless to say, when someone who claims to love you makes a habit of backstabbing and betrayal, it creates a “bad taste” in your mouth for long-term relationships. So, after the divorce I played the field for over a decade and a half before I ever considered another long-term relationship. A relationship I never would have entered into if it had not been for D/s.

My participation as a Dom in D/s encounters during this lengthy period helped me reconnect to parts of my alpha personality and belief system I was raised with. Parts of me that had been damaged as a result of the unhealthy relationships in my past.

I regained my love and respect for women, which had not disappeared completely, but had been tainted because of the unhealthy relationships. And, as a Dom, I took the responsibilities seriously. I made sure the wants and needs of the sub were fulfilled, even if it meant sacrificing my own. And when I had returned to that level of interaction, as a result of D/s participation, I knew I could once again handle a long-term relationship: the way I believe it should be handled.

The next long-term relationship turned out to be my first long-term D/s relationship since the unhealthy relationship I had as a teenager. And my first 24/7 D/s relationship.

The relationship with my second wife was very different from anything I had prior. It became evident early on that—although she had strength in some areas—she wanted and needed a lot of control. As a result of past events she literally dreaded making decisions.

As luck or that hemorrhoidal hell-spawn would have it, total control over the family was inevitable. My wife became terminally ill and fought valiantly over the next seven-plus years before passing.

It took a combination of my regained faith, the belief system I’d been raised with, my alpha personality, and my strong commitment to the responsibilities of being a Dom to endure those mind-numbing, physically taxing, and heartbreaking years. Days, weeks, months, and years that flowed together in a fog of little or no sleep. Taking care of her and her young son, running the household, and working full-time. Giving up sleep to caress and massage her for hours because it was the only way we found for her to be able to sleep when the pain got too bad. And yes, even having to find time and ways to give her pleasure—because the illness robbed her of most activities she had once done.

Why? Because it’s a man’s responsibility. And I could not be a good mate or Dom if I wasn’t a good man to begin with.

The American system I once bled for, became partially disabled for, and use to praise fucked me over soon after my wife died—and without the common decency of a kiss or a reach-around.

It was the financial crash of 2009. And “Dear old Uncle Sam” bailed out the financial “wizards” that caused the crash but did absolutely nothing for millions of innocent Americans that lost everything.

Needless to say, having no time to grieve properly and seeing 30-years of work and savings flushed down the governmental toilet did not put me in a mood for any long-term relationship.

Subsequently, all I could emotionally handle at that point were some “friends with benefits:” most of which were vanilla with an occasional kink thrown in. Except one. She was all for D/s but pushed marriage quicker than a Las Vegas drive thru chapel.

Several years past, and I became convinced that I would never have another permanent relationship. But, like the adage states, love comes when you least expect it. And, in this case, it also came from where I never expected it: online.

Those of you that have followed us for any length of time know that kat and I began with a long-distance relationship before coming together.

We both had two prior marriages. And she, like me, had not been seeking, nor wanting, any long-term relationship. But we could not deny how compatible we were, or the uncanny way we communicated from the beginning.

It was like a breath of fresh air to have a strong woman that knelt out of love and respect instead of one that purely needed to be controlled. Though, I have nothing against women with weaker personalities: I’ve known many that were both interesting and lovable. But, as a natural alpha I prefer the added challenge of a strong woman.

The 24/7 D/s relationship that kat and I agreed to is absolutely nothing like my prior long-term D/s relationships. Sure, she has relinquished control of her body to me, and accepted me as the head of the relationship. But she neither wants nor needs to be micro-managed or burdened with an overabundance of protocols. Which leaves more free time to simply enjoy each other’s company.

After decades in leadership positions, both in and out of D/s, I am way beyond the need for constant control of every little detail. I prefer my natural style of leading by example and delegating when necessary.

I hope my D/s journey will continue and reach the final end with kat. I never loved anyone as much, nor felt as compatible with anyone like I feel with her. And as I have come to know myself better throughout my journey, it is nice to be in a relationship that seems practically tailor-made for me, where I can just be myself. And what can be better than that?

It doesn’t mean that kat and I don’t have problems. We do. In fact, we’re dealing with issues presently that have sparked kat’s depression triggers. But, above all else, we’ve built this relationship on a foundation of unconditional love. So, we’ll continue to love each other, keep communicating, and weather this storm like all previous storms.

Last Word:
My D/s journey started in a very inappropriate way. It has not always been enjoyable, and I would caution anyone from entering a D/s relationship without some serious thought and making sure to find the right partner. But after several decades of D/s experience it has truly been a journey of self-discovery. And, similar to my faith, and the beliefs concerning manhood that I was raised with, I would not be the person I am today without taking the D/s journey.

18 thoughts on “D/s: Self-Discovery after an Unhealthy Beginning (Part Two)

  1. To be able to go through that adversity and have a healthy relationship with something that was used badly in the past takes some serious doing. Sincerely, my hat goes off to you. I’m happy to read you’re in a better place now 🙂 Thanks for sharing this with us x

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I loved reading your walk in D/s. I can relate to it in some ways. It is refreshing to read about the trials of life from someone who has seen life, and still found their way.
    My Master and i have both served and, i too deal with trauma of PTSD from serving and a car accident.
    I always hold back my thoughts when we go out with a group. Most of the members cannot relate.
    Thank you for sharing.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. To watch and care for a loved one as they die is enough trauma for most. The extra stuff you have dealt with, grown through and survived makes you someone to be reckoned with. Your sense of decency and moral strength shines through this post. I wish you continued success and look forward to reading your blog for years to come.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I appreciate the heartfelt words, CM.

      I read your answers the other day on the awards post. I, too, play multiple instruments, and work in several art mediums (with quite a few sales over the years). And I also participate in multiple sports. I even competed in martial arts professionally for a short period. So, as one musician, artist, and ex-athlete to another I wish you the best as well.

      Liked by 2 people

  4. I appreciate the healthy way that you look at life and experience. A lot of it was negative but it brought you both to the point you are at now where you can finally have what you want and deserve. I am glad that you found each other and have been able to use the past in a positive way to shape a more meaningful future 😊. I feel the same about my relationship with HisLordship which is why I enjoy you blog so much and can relate to what you say. Thank you for sharing and I hope that Kat feels better in herself again soon – hugs to her ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for the kind words. It’s nice to know we touch people, just as you do. And, while our individual experiences differ greatly, they still have brought us to many similar beliefs; which is why kat and I equally enjoy your blog so much. And we are happy that you found the right mate to create so many positive memories with. I continually tell kat that the only way to truly get rid of the power negative experiences have over you is to create enough positive memories to bury the negative for good. And it’s a hell of a lot easier to do when you have the right mate.

      Thank you again, and I’ll literally pass the hugs along to kat.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I never comment, I guess I’m what you call a “lurker” because all of this is so new to me. But I enjoy reading both of your blogs. After reading this I couldn’t help it. I know it took great courage to share what you did and I have a new found admiration for you and for you persevering all those years. It definitely paid off for you.

    Liked by 1 person

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