Feeling Submissive

Recently, I asked Alpha to implement a ritual that would reinforce my submission to him; and I requested that he create it. Me not having a say in what the ritual is, for me, deepens that submissive feeling: I am doing what my Dom commands. And he composed a lovely mantra for me to recite while kneeling, each night before we go to sleep.

It has been hard for me to turn over control to Alpha. In the beginning, D/s sounded wonderful in theory but proved somewhat troublesome implementing. For awhile, life would go along fine for Daddy and his girl, then I would sink into depression causing my obstinate nature to kick in, my inclination to balk at any sort of authority. I wanted D/s and I didn’t want it. And added to the mix, because of past experiences, I would find myself mistrusting Alpha, though he has never, ever given me any reason to do so.

Alpha has always remained calm through my storms, even the last one which was on par with a hurricane (I wrote about it in Humble Pie, and Alpha responded in Alpha’s response to a humbled kat.) I think his background in psychology helps him understand me, so that when I’m hanging out in the wind twisting and turning and not knowing which direction a gust might blow me, he knows I need him to be my rock, solid and strong and calm. And he provides just that.

Then, when the storm passes, he soothes my fears, reassures me of his unconditional love, and makes me feel protected and safe. And we talk about what happened. Alpha knows that parts of me are broken, and wants to help me fit the pieces back together. He wants me happy, not just part of the time, but all the time. And a good part of being happy is being able to let go of the garbage in your past that has hurt you—and lord do I hang onto the bad stuff as if every rotten piece were a life preserver!

Because I agreed to a D/s relationship with Alpha, I also agreed to bare myself inside and out to him. He is privy to the real me that can be a mess at times, and he loves me in spite of myself. He loves me with a selfless love that I’ve never come close to experiencing before. That doesn’t mean there aren’t consequences when I go too far. Alpha will mete out appropriate punishment as he sees fit, which I agreed to at the start of our implementing D/s in our relationship. And putting control of my body into his hands, for both pleasure and pain, contributes to my feeling of submission to him.

When I feel submissive to Alpha, I also feel loved and safe. I feel both a mental calm, and an urgent physical need for him that ranges from desiring sweet cuddling to being ripped apart and devoured by my big, bad Wolf. Those are some powerful feelings. And you can’t get them in a vanilla relationship; at least I never have.

Giving over control to Alpha has brought me more peace than I’ve had in a very long time. And recently, I’ve been able to do away with a few of my soft and hard limits, and Alpha and I are taking my submission deeper—we’ll do baby steps, he says.

You can’t just claim you’re a submissive, and poof, you are. Just like a Dom has to walk the walk, the sub has to do it also. You can’t feel submissive without being submissive.

It may not work for everyone, but my way of feeling submissive is clearing my mind and actively listening to Alpha when he tells me in his own way that he is my Dom, that I belong to him, and will do as he says. I allow myself to feel submissive, to not let the thoughts creep in that try to tell me I am weak and needy because I want this, that I need to pull up my big girl panties and face the world alone. I let his words wash over me and through me. I don’t think; I don’t fight; I just am, and let him take control and lead us where he may.

This is not to say everything will always be smooth sailing. I’m sure in the future I’ll screw up in some fashion, for after all, I still possess a stubborn streak so ingrained I must have been born with the damn thing. But Alpha will be there to pick me up, dust me off, and set my feet back on the right path. And spank my butt if needed.

 

23 thoughts on “Feeling Submissive

  1. You’re a strong woman because it’s part of your nature and because you were forced to take control in your prior long-term relationships or nothing would have ever gotten done. But there is a submissive side to you, which we’ve spoken of, that has suffered as a result of being hidden away for many years: out of necessity not want.

    Like I’ve told you, and you are now seeing evidence of yourself, the recovery and acceptance of that submissive part of you will help balance out the strong part of you. And as you feel more submissive within your own strength it gives you the confidence to trust again.

    Those broken pieces you refer to happened, for the most part, a long time ago. So, it’s going to take time to heal. But you’ve made a lot of progress in the relatively short time we’ve been together. And I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else than on this life journey with you.

    I love you, baby.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you, Daddy, for your insightful and heartfelt comment. Like I’ve told you before, sometimes I think you know me better than I do myself. I appreciate all you’ve done and continue to do for me on a daily basis.
      And you know I love you back. ♥️

      Liked by 2 people

  2. the perfect post for me to wake up to this morning, I can relate completely to what you said and reminds me how wonderful it can be, how wonderful it IS x

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Kat, I read your post twice. Something about the wording just resonated with me and i agree that being submissive involves actions not just thoughts or words. Stubborn doesn’t negate the submissive tendencies, I know this from experience. There is so much truth in the knowedge that a submissive is strong not weak. My past demanded strength, but it doesn’t change my desire to kneel and serve. The key? A worthy partner. You have that in Alpha and he has it in you and that is something to be celebrated. The deepening of submission takes time, but the rewards are so great. It is a joy to read of another’s journey that is honest and thought provoking. Thank you for taking the time to write.
    Mignon

    Liked by 3 people

    1. And thank you for your thoughtful response. It’s good to know I’m not alone in my ambivalence at times regarding submission…it gives me hope that I can do better.

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  4. Thank you for sharing your experience and thoughts. MrH came up with our daily ritials where my collar is changed from day to night and back again. Knowing he designed the ritual reinforces my submission. For us our relationship was vanilla for 22 years and I made the majority of decisions and did the organisation. The transition to D/s was freeing. My anxiety lessoned, my respect for MrH has increased, (I don’t mean I didn’t respect him before… But I would often become impatient or snippy with him) and I’m much happier for the change. I hope you enjoy your new ritual 😊

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks, sweetgirl. I know what you mean regarding the lessening of anxiety when one turns over control…makes me wonder if being the one who makes most decisions and is responsible for keeping life organized, when it’s not who you are, can cause anxiety and general irritation. In previous relationships, I think it was so in my case.

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      1. Yes.. I think you hit the nail on the head.. if you’re acting our of character (true character) and being forced into a role that you’re not wholly comfortable with – when you think about it.. is it any wonder we become anxious?? X

        Liked by 1 person

      2. And there are a lot of “ anxious”, stressed, unhappy women in our modern world, and most of the time, neither them nor their significant other understands why. It’s sad…

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      3. Yes…. I read a book about depression and it starts by saying… Our brains were not designed for the modern world. We have too much going on and not enough time to process it. So unless we are able to be “selfish” and say “no” sometimes in all likelihood we will have a mental breakdown.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. I really like this post Kat. Like you, I have not always found it easy to be submissive and have even fought it internally at times. I feel this is more by default than by choosing and I have to stop myself and try to remember what it is I really want and need. I struggle with the two parts of myself and finding a balance between them. It has become a lot easier and more seamless over time, but I will sink back sometimes with regards to control. It always helps to know that others can find the same thing 😊

    Liked by 1 person

    1. “…I have to stop myself and try to remember what it is I really want and need.” Thank you, missy. I need to do just that.
      I think it’s harder to be submissive when it’s not 24/7, when work, family, and other obligations force you to take control for a good part of your day. It’s something I deal with most every day. But in my heart, I know what I want to be, and that is Alpha’s submissive, so though I struggle too, I keep trying.
      Thank you for the encouraging words. 😊

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yes it is a juggling act. The rituals we use to transition help but I find the more I am Dominated the easier it is. I just don’t make it easy to be Dominated sometimes lol 😊

        Liked by 1 person

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