Is D/s my real life?

I noticed that several blogs have been pondering the question “Is D/s my real life?” Five simple words, but the more I thought about it the more it intrigued me. And yet, the more convoluted it also became, for I realized it could go in various directions depending upon what perspective I chose.

For instance, I was brought into the D/s world as a teenager. And those who read the posts where I explained how that occurred might recall that it was a long-term negative experience. So, one might pose the question, how could it be my real life if I was manipulated into it by an authority figure over twice my age?

On the other hand, I am a natural Alpha male. So, even in my off-and-on periods of vanilla life I was the rugged individualist that was always in traditional male-led relationships.

Hell, even as a teenager, the Alpha in me couldn’t be completely suppressed. I eventually turned my manipulator’s tricks against her: controlling her for the last half of the relationship, before severing ties with her to go into the military.

My first marriage was not D/s oriented, but my second was. And during the long period between the two, when playing the field, there were far more so-called vanilla relationships than D/s. And yet, D/s clearly held the stronger sexual attraction if you go by labeled definitions.

Does that stronger sexual attraction prove D/s is my “real” life? Not really. As a natural Alpha I enjoyed the same sexual pleasures—with few exceptions—in my vanilla relationships that I presently enjoy in my D/s relationship.

Vanilla girls that were attracted to me as a “bad boy” when I was younger, or to my rugged individualism when I was older, allowed me to push their sexual boundaries with little resistance.

If that’s true, why do I choose to live in a 24/7 D/s relationship? And doesn’t being in a 24/7 D/s relationship prove D/s is my “real” life? — Not necessarily.

What I realized when trying to answer this question is that saying yes or no is purely built on social constructs. If I’m the same natural Alpha in my vanilla existence that I am in my D/s existence, then how can one be more “real” than the other?

It can’t be.

The truth is that I am the same person in both vanilla and D/s worlds. The difference is not me, because I’m the same person whether I’m actively in one or the other.

The difference is how I am perceived by those caught-up in the social constructs of the vanilla and D/s worlds. In other words, society’s long-standing need to label everything and everyone for quick and easy reference.

Then why choose one or the other if both lifestyles are social constructs? Because humans predominantly make that choice based on either familiarity (how they were raised), or where they feel more accepted and allowed to be themselves.

I choose a 24/7 D/s lifestyle because that label is the closest fit to me within the social constructs of vanilla or D/s. For instance, several of the vanilla females that allowed me to spank and fuck their asses had nothing but derogatory things to say about women in D/s relationships, or D/s in general. Which doesn’t make a lot of sense (because I do the same activity in both worlds), but they are hung-up on the labels.

The D/s community is not much different. It’s a social construct just like the vanilla world, but my so-called kinky proclivities in the vanilla world allow me to be more accepted in the D/s world. But I’m the same person either way, in either world.

So, is D/s my “real” life? Absolutely not. And neither is vanilla or any other socially constructed label. But D/s is the closest label I have to use within society to explain certain parts of who I am and how I choose to live with kat.

Kat and I chose our relationship together based on the unconditional love we have for each other. And we chose to utilize D/s to enhance the relationship. But it is still just a label attached to behavior or activities that I would do with or without the label. In fact, it was a part of me long before I was “in” the D/s community. The label just makes it easier to explain because it’s based on a social construct they can relate to…not really because it’s who I am or not.

19 thoughts on “Is D/s my real life?

  1. Thank you for sharing this, Alpha! What I am getting from this piece, is that regardless of D/s or vanilla, you are the same you in any or all contexts. I think what I am struggling with, and failed to actually communicate in my post, was that I am not submissive by nature. In the workplace and with friends and family, I am very much the in-control person that others look to leadership from. I read people well and am good in a crisis, or other situations where decisions need to be made. And yet… I find myself drawn to submission with my husband. Still pondering this… I think the real question for me should have been more along the lines of, am I a real submissive? But, as you pointed out…these are all just labels and social constructs and they most likely do not provide an all-encompassing view of the individual…

    In any case, great post! Thank you so much for sharing 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. We humans are all so beautifully unique that it is practically impossible to define ourselves with a single label. And we fall into the ease of using labels because most people don’t want to take the time to truly find out who someone really is. Just like most people getting their beliefs and opinions from sound bytes these days, instead of actually taking the time to seriously study issues and topics. It’s just a sad fact of a fast-paced society. But it makes it hard for people with personalities that feel led to introspection. But it’s still worth the effort as long as you come away with what’s right for you by your standards and beliefs…not society’s. The sad truth is that the more society claims to become more inclusive to groups it is actually becoming less tolerant to the individual.

      Thank you for your heartfelt response, Dbl-N.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. What you wrote about society actually becoming more tolerant to groups in ways and less tolerant to the individual in others is exactly what my husband says! Thank you for the stimulating conversation this morning, Alpha 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

    2. I am not submissive by nature either, nora. Only to Alpha. I think there are a lot of us out there that are not natural submissives, but yet submit to our mate.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Kat’s more like that than I am. I can do it with the external events of life, but with my psychology background I actually enjoy analyzing why myself and others do what we do.
      Thanks, JW.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I love this.

    For myself I know that I have the same core values whether I am with family, vanilla friends or kinky playmates. My submission to Sir is not mirrored elsewhere but the respect I have for him is parallelled through my vanilla and kinky lifestyles.

    I’m me, regardless of the label someone puts on me.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes, we are all unique individuals. The labels just make it easier for others to relate to a part of us when they don’t want to take the time to learn all about us. Living in a fast-paced society makes the majority of people more selfish with their time; often out of necessity.
      Thank you for the response.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I agree with that, but I also think when we first become aware of this amazing world we (sweeping generalisation alert) find it easier to step into this world when we label ourselves… It breaks it into smaller chunks.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. No matter what made you the man you are, I love the you that lives inside your soul, Daddy. And I respect that you stay true to your nature, despite the fact that currently society accuses true men of possessing “toxic masculinity”. What a pile of rubbish! ♥️

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I totally understand your post. I’am dominant in every aspect of my life. Possibly why people think it would be better for me to work for myself.
    There is a small amount of people in the vanilla world that is aware of my past Kink life. I’m not sure if they will be apart of that info If I chose to partake again. I chose when and what I want to do.
    But I don’t think there is a real life. It’s just your life…..

    Liked by 1 person

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