Taken in Hand

Ordered to lie
Facedown on bed
Blindfold on eyes
Hands tied, legs spread

Hard smack of hand
On panty-clad ass
Wanton hips rise
Lips gasp

Rough hand jerks panties
Down to quivering knees
Leather softly caresses
Please, Daddy, please…

Slap…squeal of pain
Slap…moan of pleasure
He knows what she craves
He’s taken her measure

Rosy blush that blooms
Dusky bruises that form
Will color her world
And keep her heart warm

His marks on her body
Will be a reminder every day
To mind her Daddy Dom
Or she will pay

But please tell me this—
Is a sound spanking really pay
Since she’s been a good girl
Or instead fundamental play

For kat needs Daddy
To take her in hand
To tame her wild side
And prove he’s a man

Feeling Submissive

Recently, I asked Alpha to implement a ritual that would reinforce my submission to him; and I requested that he create it. Me not having a say in what the ritual is, for me, deepens that submissive feeling: I am doing what my Dom commands. And he composed a lovely mantra for me to recite while kneeling, each night before we go to sleep.

It has been hard for me to turn over control to Alpha. In the beginning, D/s sounded wonderful in theory but proved somewhat troublesome implementing. For awhile, life would go along fine for Daddy and his girl, then I would sink into depression causing my obstinate nature to kick in, my inclination to balk at any sort of authority. I wanted D/s and I didn’t want it. And added to the mix, because of past experiences, I would find myself mistrusting Alpha, though he has never, ever given me any reason to do so.

Alpha has always remained calm through my storms, even the last one which was on par with a hurricane (I wrote about it in Humble Pie, and Alpha responded in Alpha’s response to a humbled kat.) I think his background in psychology helps him understand me, so that when I’m hanging out in the wind twisting and turning and not knowing which direction a gust might blow me, he knows I need him to be my rock, solid and strong and calm. And he provides just that.

Then, when the storm passes, he soothes my fears, reassures me of his unconditional love, and makes me feel protected and safe. And we talk about what happened. Alpha knows that parts of me are broken, and wants to help me fit the pieces back together. He wants me happy, not just part of the time, but all the time. And a good part of being happy is being able to let go of the garbage in your past that has hurt you—and lord do I hang onto the bad stuff as if every rotten piece were a life preserver!

Because I agreed to a D/s relationship with Alpha, I also agreed to bare myself inside and out to him. He is privy to the real me that can be a mess at times, and he loves me in spite of myself. He loves me with a selfless love that I’ve never come close to experiencing before. That doesn’t mean there aren’t consequences when I go too far. Alpha will mete out appropriate punishment as he sees fit, which I agreed to at the start of our implementing D/s in our relationship. And putting control of my body into his hands, for both pleasure and pain, contributes to my feeling of submission to him.

When I feel submissive to Alpha, I also feel loved and safe. I feel both a mental calm, and an urgent physical need for him that ranges from desiring sweet cuddling to being ripped apart and devoured by my big, bad Wolf. Those are some powerful feelings. And you can’t get them in a vanilla relationship; at least I never have.

Giving over control to Alpha has brought me more peace than I’ve had in a very long time. And recently, I’ve been able to do away with a few of my soft and hard limits, and Alpha and I are taking my submission deeper—we’ll do baby steps, he says.

You can’t just claim you’re a submissive, and poof, you are. Just like a Dom has to walk the walk, the sub has to do it also. You can’t feel submissive without being submissive.

It may not work for everyone, but my way of feeling submissive is clearing my mind and actively listening to Alpha when he tells me in his own way that he is my Dom, that I belong to him, and will do as he says. I allow myself to feel submissive, to not let the thoughts creep in that try to tell me I am weak and needy because I want this, that I need to pull up my big girl panties and face the world alone. I let his words wash over me and through me. I don’t think; I don’t fight; I just am, and let him take control and lead us where he may.

This is not to say everything will always be smooth sailing. I’m sure in the future I’ll screw up in some fashion, for after all, I still possess a stubborn streak so ingrained I must have been born with the damn thing. But Alpha will be there to pick me up, dust me off, and set my feet back on the right path. And spank my butt if needed.

 

Humble Pie

Humble—

The dictionary defines humble as: “having a feeling of insignificance, inferiority, subservience, etc.” when it is used as a noun; when used as a verb: “to make meek: to humble one’s heart.” There are other variations of definitions, but these two are the ones that speak to me.

A few days ago, I had to eat a big slice of humble pie, and I’m still feeling the effects; metaphorically, I’m still suffering horrible indigestion. And it has humbled me.

I won’t go into details (though Alpha has the right if he so chooses), too embarrassing for me to share even here where I can hide behind the veil of anonymity; but I will say I disrespected Alpha big time, and now I’m paying for it—or will pay for it. We’re in separate states right now, but when he gets home, I’m in for the spanking of my life. And I deserve whatever punishment he chooses to mete out…and probably more. But the physical punishment will pale in comparison to the anguish I feel in my heart.

I feel ashamed, embarrassed, and humbled because of what I did. And strangely enough, extremely submissive. Alpha handled the situation with his usual aplomb, never once raising his voice or showing anger; the man is the most unflappable person I’ve ever known. Yes, he let me know I had screwed up, that he was hurt, and there would be a price to pay; but he never berated me. I yearn to kneel before him, tell him I’m sorry (again), and hold out the belt to him. And when he comes home, I will do just that.

I’m not an old hand to D/s—Alpha being the only man I’ve ever submitted to—and how I’m feeling because of my horrible transgression has surprised me. Yes, I’m his sub, but I’ve never felt this level of submission before. I’ve never felt this level of reverence for Alpha before; yes, I have always respected him, but now it has gone deeper.

And I wonder why this has happened, why I feel even more deeply now that Alpha is my Dom and I am his submissive, that I am His, body, heart, and soul. Why would my screw-up cause my feelings to intensify?

I don’t understand it, but I think Alpha is pleased—not with my action, but how it ultimately affected my submission. He has always told me that he saw the submissive in me almost from the beginning, but I had my doubts if it was truly in my nature. But judging by how I’m feeling now, I have to admit that maybe he was right all along.

But it took the right man to draw it out of me: Alpha…my Dom…my Daddy.

Alpha’s response is here

Trust

I’ve never been a trusting sort, especially when it comes to men. Too many times I’ve been hurt by the very ones who should have, above all others, protected me. Too many times I’ve had men who were in supposedly committed relationships hit on me. So sadly, by the time Alpha came into my life, I was pretty well soured on the opposite sex, and had no intention of investing in a relationship again. I swore to myself: never, ever, ever!

And then I met Alpha, and we became friends. And honest to God, in the beginning that’s all I thought we’d ever be. But quickly, friendship blossomed into love.

But I didn’t fully commit. I didn’t trust.

Circumstances forced us to be apart so often early in our relationship, that we got to know each other mainly through emails and phone calls. And it was during one of those long, nightly calls that Alpha told me he was an alpha male, and in subsequent ones that he desired a D/s relationship with me. I thought, er…okay…I guess…

We didn’t rush right into it. It was a gradual process of getting to know each other even better, of Alpha encouraging me to tell him my past, my thoughts, my fears, my hopes, my dreams, my fantasies. And he told me his. In all this talking (and writing), we found out how compatible we were, from basic core beliefs, to what we wanted in life, to what turned us on.

I didn’t realize at the time—though I’m sure Alpha knew—that opening ourselves up to one another as we had is a key part of D/s. That being able to share your bad side (sharing the good is easy), all those pathetic, ugly, uncharitable thoughts and feelings you keep locked away for fear you won’t be loved if you are honest, is one of the greatest gifts one person can give another. They know the very worst of you and still love you. You can let your guard down; you can trust.

And that carries over into sex. You don’t have to have a killer body because your body is loved just as it is. Just. As. It. Is. Because it houses you. The you that D/s requires you to share. You can trust.

And to me, that is the crux of D/s: trust. Trusting the other person to do their best, day after day, to put you above all others, to do what is best for you, to not hurt you, to be your defender and champion in a world that seems hell bent on crushing you. To love you unconditionally. And to give you lots of cuddles, spankings and amazing sex.

I have never been known by anyone as Alpha knows me. I have never trusted anyone as I do Alpha. He makes me feel worthy.

On my own, I would never have considered a D/s relationship; in fact, until I met Alpha, I had never heard of it, just BDSM (and wasn’t into it). But now that I’ve experienced D/s and the closeness it fosters, I can’t imagine Alpha’s and my relationship any other way. Past vanilla relationships pale in comparison. And who in their right mind would ever want to go back after experiencing a bond that unites you in mind, body, and soul? Not me!

Yin and Yang

I am negative to His positive

…dark to His bright

He is logical to my emotional

…day to my night

I am soft to His hard

…round to His linear

He is hunter to my prey

…king to my courtier

I am river to His highway

…valley to His mountain

He is solid to my fluid

…thirsty soil to my fountain

I am dream to His reality

…heart to His soul

He is Dom to my sub

…together we are whole