To Submit Or Not To Submit

When Alpha and I first met, I had never heard of D/s; sure, I was somewhat familiar with BDSM, but not D/s. Nor D/s relationships, 24/7 or otherwise.

When we were in the “getting to know each other” stage, he told me he was an alpha. I assumed he meant that he was a take charge sort of guy, which I liked because in my previous two serious relationships, I became the one in charge by default. Both partners wanted a mama, not a wife.

Alpha and I were a little farther in (both had expressed our love for the other) before he introduced the subject of D/s, and told me that in the long term, for him to be completely happy in our relationship, he required submission from me. So, I set out to learn all I could about D/s, both from Alpha and my own research. And what I discovered troubled me: according to what I read, I was not a natural submissive.

Yes, I wanted a man I respected, who was a leader, but…

I didn’t want or need a micromanager telling me how and when to do everything. I didn’t want rituals, supervision, a list of dos and don’ts with punishment meted out for infractions (which, to me, would put me on the level of a child). And I sure didn’t want to sit on the floor at a man’s feet, naked with a plug up my butt while he sat on a comfy couch, reading or watching TV—not that I have anything against butt plugs per se.

The more I read, the more I realized it was not in my nature to be a submissive.

When I brought up what didn’t sit well with me to Alpha, he told me that most of the things I was concerned about weren’t important to him. But he was steadfast in his requirements: he would be head of the household, all final decisions would rest with him, though he would always want my input; in our home and alone, I would dress a certain way, or if he wished, wear nothing at all; that my body belonged to him, to do with as he pleased; and that I would always treat him with respect (as he would me), and if I failed to do so, he would punish me.

Punish me…that was a little hard to swallow. But I did because I loved him. And respected him.

For an intimate relationship to succeed, it requires compromise, and doing our best to meet our partner’s wants and needs. Alpha made it his mission to know me inside and out, to know what the woman and little girl in me needed emotionally and physically to be happy, and he provided it. I knew I could do no less for him.

So I gave him my submission.

I kneel to him to show my respect. I wear his collar to symbolize his ownership of me. I take his hand and let him lead me down the “kinky” path to sexual fulfillment, sometimes a little hesitant as to where it may be going, but always sure he’ll keep me protected and safe.

Yes, I give him my submission. But he gives me so much more.

Arousal Non-concordance

Have you ever been really turned on, quivering and shaking, literally begging your Dom, “Please, please, please, fuck me now, Daddy (or Sir or Master)!” And he says, “Not yet, kitten (or whatever his pet name is for you), not till you’re soaking wet.” And you are not. Maybe he thinks you’re not aroused at all—after all, the proof is in the pudding…er…wetness of the pussy—when in fact you’re about to spontaneously combust.

Or your Dom wants you to try something new, and it doesn’t really do anything for you, but he thinks you’re not being honest because you got wet. Again, wetness = arousal.

This is called arousal non-concordance. It’s nothing new; science has been aware of it for quite some time. And it happens to both women and men, though a much higher percentage of women are affected. It happens when arousal (the subjective feeling of desire) and genital response differ.

All genital response says (in both women and men) is that the genitals are reacting to something they perceive as sexually relevant, and it doesn’t have to be something that turns you on. For instance, pressure against the genitals—think riding a bike or tight pants—can get a reaction. Even watching porn with content that disgusts you can trigger a response. And so can rape. Your genitals—not your brain—perceived a sexual relevance.

Arousal, which is the subjective feeling of desiring/enjoying a sexual activity, takes place in the brain, while genital response takes place in the genitals. And only about 10% of the time do they overlap in women. It’s around 50% of the time for men.

The beauty of D/s is that in this situation you have ample time for your body or mind to play catch-up, to sync. Sex in a D/s relationship is not hurried, it’s slow and sensual, an erotic feast of sensation. There’s no rush to the finish line.

Alpha believes in the school of thought that “foreplay begins after the last orgasm”. When we’re together, he constantly feeds my arousal through words, deeds, and touch, which are not necessarily of a sexual nature. He knows women, knows their arousal is very much based on emotion. He knows he needs to pull my mind and body together for us to have mind-blowing sex. And he knew this before either one of us had heard of arousal non-concordance.

I think arousal non-concordance is more of a problem for vanilla couples than ones who practice D/s, although it still can happen. But if it does, just slow down…maybe request a mind fuck (Works for me!), and reach for the lube. And above all, don’t stress about it.

A Halloween Bedtime Story

Mia froze, held her breath. Listened.

The encroaching night pressed in on her, warm, humid…silent, the wild thumping of her heart the only sound that broke its canopied darkness. She turned a slow circle, eyes probing the trees and dense underbrush crowding the running trail, alert for the tiniest movement, the rustle of a branch, the turn of a leaf.

She let out her pent breath, along with a nervous laugh. She had only imagined the soft footfalls pacing her, that crisp snap of a twig. Nothing stirred in the moon-dappled shadows.

With a shake of her head, she set off down the path once more in an easy jog. But her mind wasn’t easy; heat knifed between her shoulder blades, as if eyes were boring into her back. The sweat beading her body turned cold. Goose flesh prickled her arms.

More times than she could count, she had run this trail as twilight was bleeding into night. But this was the first time she had felt anxious, almost…afraid. Continue reading “A Halloween Bedtime Story”

Body Image

“I don’t know what you see in me.” — I’ve said this to Alpha many times —

Like most women, I struggle with body image issues. We all compare ourselves to the women we see in magazines (well-knowing they have been photoshopped and airbrushed), on television, in movies, and yes, even porn, and feel that we’re not good enough–breasts too small, butt not perky, tummy too round, icky love handles, and now, no six-pack abs. We know it’s unrealistic to think we can look like those women whose lives revolve around dieting, exercise, trainers, and plastic surgery (because their livelihood is tied to their bodies), and not around family, work, and limited finances. And if you’re a woman of “a certain age”, as I am, on top of everything else, you’re contending with gray hairs, wrinkles, and a traitorous body that is slowly creeping south.

Alpha tells me I’m beautiful in his eyes, that He could never see me as anything but beautiful, and that I’m perfectly imperfect for Him. He constantly reassures me of His love for me, and His desire for me. And I hear the sincerity in His voice, see it in His eyes. Still, I struggle.

Logically, I know what He means because I love Him, and in doing so, love His body. He has many scars from repeated surgeries that attempted, with limited results, to fix an injury He suffered in the military. And like me, He’s no longer a spring chicken…er…rooster. But I love every imperfection, every scar, every extra pound. I crave His body, love worshiping every inch of it with my fingers, lips, and tongue. I want that beautiful body sleeping beside me for the rest of my life.

He is my perfect sexy Alpha. Why is it so hard to see myself as His perfect sexy kat?

submissive Perspective

Submission is not something I granted on a whim, but with the understanding that You would love and cherish me in exchange for what I have freely given. I do not kneel to You out of fear; I kneel out of respect and the need to please You.

Understand that though I am an individual with my own wants and needs, and the desire to see them fulfilled, I want to fulfill Your wants and needs as well. My commitment to Your wellbeing in all areas of our relationship is just as strong as Yours is to me.

Believe that I will do my best to make Your life happy, that I will never intentionally disrespect You or go against Your will. I want to always be Your “good girl”, but if I fail, I will take the punishment that we agreed upon without complaint.

Mistakes will happen on both our parts, but I vow that I will not dwell on Yours, nor will I hold them against You (we are fallible beings, after all). I will never bring them up again in conversation, for as we agreed, they have been addressed and are now in the past.

Including you in every aspect of my life is my desire and my duty. I will not seek out others to take on the role of best friend or confidant or playmate, but will always count on You to fulfill those needs. And I will avail myself to You in any way You see fit, both physically and emotionally.

Showing my submission to You is something I will do every day, both in and out of the bedroom. I know that doing so brings out Your natural dominant personality, thus strengthening our D/s dynamic, allowing both of us to thrive within the relationship.

Sharing my inner self with You is my duty as Your submissive. I cannot expect you to keep me protected and safe if you don’t know my demons.

Intimacy will remain between us. I will not share my worries or concerns–especially regarding our relationship–with anyone but You. I will not allow another person, nether emotionally or physically, entrance within our sacred circle of love, trust, and respect.

Value beyond measure will always be placed on our relationship. I will never intentionally tarnish it by word or deed. I will do everything in my power to keep it strong, to make it a safe harbor for both of us, a place where there is no You or me–only us.

Envelop me in Your love, surround me with high walls only You know how to breach. I need the sanctuary of Your unconditional love to feel truly safe, to be free to be just…me.

Alpha’s Dominant Perspective here