I’ve never been a trusting sort, especially when it comes to men. Too many times I’ve been hurt by the very ones who should have, above all others, protected me. Too many times I’ve had men who were in supposedly committed relationships hit on me. So sadly, by the time Alpha came into my life, I was pretty well soured on the opposite sex, and had no intention of investing in a relationship again. I swore to myself: never, ever, ever!

And then I met Alpha, and we became friends. And honest to God, in the beginning that’s all I thought we’d ever be. But quickly, friendship blossomed into love.

But I didn’t fully commit. I didn’t trust.

Circumstances forced us to be apart so often early in our relationship, that we got to know each other mainly through emails and phone calls. And it was during one of those long, nightly calls that Alpha told me he was an alpha male, and in subsequent ones that he desired a D/s relationship with me. I thought, er…okay…I guess…

We didn’t rush right into it. It was a gradual process of getting to know each other even better, of Alpha encouraging me to tell him my past, my thoughts, my fears, my hopes, my dreams, my fantasies. And he told me his. In all this talking (and writing), we found out how compatible we were, from basic core beliefs, to what we wanted in life, to what turned us on.

I didn’t realize at the time—though I’m sure Alpha knew—that opening ourselves up to one another as we had is a key part of D/s. That being able to share your bad side (sharing the good is easy), all those pathetic, ugly, uncharitable thoughts and feelings you keep locked away for fear you won’t be loved if you are honest, is one of the greatest gifts one person can give another. They know the very worst of you and still love you. You can let your guard down; you can trust.

And that carries over into sex. You don’t have to have a killer body because your body is loved just as it is. Just. As. It. Is. Because it houses you. The you that D/s requires you to share. You can trust.

And to me, that is the crux of D/s: trust. Trusting the other person to do their best, day after day, to put you above all others, to do what is best for you, to not hurt you, to be your defender and champion in a world that seems hell bent on crushing you. To love you unconditionally. And to give you lots of cuddles, spankings and amazing sex.

I have never been known by anyone as Alpha knows me. I have never trusted anyone as I do Alpha. He makes me feel worthy.

On my own, I would never have considered a D/s relationship; in fact, until I met Alpha, I had never heard of it, just BDSM (and wasn’t into it). But now that I’ve experienced D/s and the closeness it fosters, I can’t imagine Alpha’s and my relationship any other way. Past vanilla relationships pale in comparison. And who in their right mind would ever want to go back after experiencing a bond that unites you in mind, body, and soul? Not me!

Yin and Yang

I am negative to His positive

…dark to His bright

He is logical to my emotional

…day to my night

I am soft to His hard

…round to His linear

He is hunter to my prey

…king to my courtier

I am river to His highway

…valley to His mountain

He is solid to my fluid

…thirsty soil to my fountain

I am dream to His reality

…heart to His soul

He is Dom to my sub

…together we are whole

To Submit Or Not To Submit

When Alpha and I first met, I had never heard of D/s; sure, I was somewhat familiar with BDSM, but not D/s. Nor D/s relationships, 24/7 or otherwise.

When we were in the “getting to know each other” stage, he told me he was an alpha. I assumed he meant that he was a take charge sort of guy, which I liked because in my previous two serious relationships, I became the one in charge by default. Both partners wanted a mama, not a wife.

Alpha and I were a little farther in (both had expressed our love for the other) before he introduced the subject of D/s, and told me that in the long term, for him to be completely happy in our relationship, he required submission from me. So, I set out to learn all I could about D/s, both from Alpha and my own research. And what I discovered troubled me: according to what I read, I was not a natural submissive.

Yes, I wanted a man I respected, who was a leader, but…

I didn’t want or need a micromanager telling me how and when to do everything. I didn’t want rituals, supervision, a list of dos and don’ts with punishment meted out for infractions (which, to me, would put me on the level of a child). And I sure didn’t want to sit on the floor at a man’s feet, naked with a plug up my butt while he sat on a comfy couch, reading or watching TV—not that I have anything against butt plugs per se.

The more I read, the more I realized it was not in my nature to be a submissive.

When I brought up what didn’t sit well with me to Alpha, he told me that most of the things I was concerned about weren’t important to him. But he was steadfast in his requirements: he would be head of the household, all final decisions would rest with him, though he would always want my input; in our home and alone, I would dress a certain way, or if he wished, wear nothing at all; that my body belonged to him, to do with as he pleased; and that I would always treat him with respect (as he would me), and if I failed to do so, he would punish me.

Punish me…that was a little hard to swallow. But I did because I loved him. And respected him.

For an intimate relationship to succeed, it requires compromise, and doing our best to meet our partner’s wants and needs. Alpha made it his mission to know me inside and out, to know what the woman and little girl in me needed emotionally and physically to be happy, and he provided it. I knew I could do no less for him.

So I gave him my submission.

I kneel to him to show my respect. I wear his collar to symbolize his ownership of me. I take his hand and let him lead me down the “kinky” path to sexual fulfillment, sometimes a little hesitant as to where it may be going, but always sure he’ll keep me protected and safe.

Yes, I give him my submission. But he gives me so much more.

Arousal Non-concordance

Have you ever been really turned on, quivering and shaking, literally begging your Dom, “Please, please, please, fuck me now, Daddy (or Sir or Master)!” And he says, “Not yet, kitten (or whatever his pet name is for you), not till you’re soaking wet.” And you are not. Maybe he thinks you’re not aroused at all—after all, the proof is in the pudding…er…wetness of the pussy—when in fact you’re about to spontaneously combust.

Or your Dom wants you to try something new, and it doesn’t really do anything for you, but he thinks you’re not being honest because you got wet. Again, wetness = arousal.

This is called arousal non-concordance. It’s nothing new; science has been aware of it for quite some time. And it happens to both women and men, though a much higher percentage of women are affected. It happens when arousal (the subjective feeling of desire) and genital response differ.

All genital response says (in both women and men) is that the genitals are reacting to something they perceive as sexually relevant, and it doesn’t have to be something that turns you on. For instance, pressure against the genitals—think riding a bike or tight pants—can get a reaction. Even watching porn with content that disgusts you can trigger a response. And so can rape. Your genitals—not your brain—perceived a sexual relevance.

Arousal, which is the subjective feeling of desiring/enjoying a sexual activity, takes place in the brain, while genital response takes place in the genitals. And only about 10% of the time do they overlap in women. It’s around 50% of the time for men.

The beauty of D/s is that in this situation you have ample time for your body or mind to play catch-up, to sync. Sex in a D/s relationship is not hurried, it’s slow and sensual, an erotic feast of sensation. There’s no rush to the finish line.

Alpha believes in the school of thought that “foreplay begins after the last orgasm”. When we’re together, he constantly feeds my arousal through words, deeds, and touch, which are not necessarily of a sexual nature. He knows women, knows their arousal is very much based on emotion. He knows he needs to pull my mind and body together for us to have mind-blowing sex. And he knew this before either one of us had heard of arousal non-concordance.

I think arousal non-concordance is more of a problem for vanilla couples than ones who practice D/s, although it still can happen. But if it does, just slow down…maybe request a mind fuck (Works for me!), and reach for the lube. And above all, don’t stress about it.

A Halloween Bedtime Story

Mia froze, held her breath. Listened.

The encroaching night pressed in on her, warm, humid…silent, the wild thumping of her heart the only sound that broke its canopied darkness. She turned a slow circle, eyes probing the trees and dense underbrush crowding the running trail, alert for the tiniest movement, the rustle of a branch, the turn of a leaf.

She let out her pent breath, along with a nervous laugh. She had only imagined the soft footfalls pacing her, that crisp snap of a twig. Nothing stirred in the moon-dappled shadows.

With a shake of her head, she set off down the path once more in an easy jog. But her mind wasn’t easy; heat knifed between her shoulder blades, as if eyes were boring into her back. The sweat beading her body turned cold. Goose flesh prickled her arms.

More times than she could count, she had run this trail as twilight was bleeding into night. But this was the first time she had felt anxious, almost…afraid. Continue reading “A Halloween Bedtime Story”