D/s: Comparing Foundations

At a well-known fetish event held yearly in San Francisco an alleged BDSM master was asked what foundational qualities he preferred in a new sub he was beginning a relationship with. Without hesitation, he said, “I prefer them alive, with a wet pussy, tight ass, and the ability to suck a golf ball through a garden hose.”

That answer places him, thankfully, in the minority—approximately two-percent of those participating in the D/s-BDSM world—where a variety of foolish and selfish foundational ideas exist.

The other ninety-eight percent of us—anyone with an IQ over 50—adhere to one of two primary foundational beliefs: the consent and trust foundation or the love foundation.

Consent and Trust
In the introduction to Dom’s Guide to Submissive Training Vol.2, by Elizabeth Cramer, the author claims the following: “There are two foundational pillars of a BDSM relationship between a Dom and a sub: consent and trust. Everything else in the relationship—the fun, the love, the discipline, the eroticism, the tears and the journey—are all built on these standards.”

Approximately forty-eight percent of D/s-BDSM practitioners adhere to this foundational belief. And the vast majority that adhere to this belief were attracted to the lifestyle prior to the relationships.

The kink, the fetish, the dark side is a powerful magnet that can easily seduce individuals with unmet sexual needs and fantasies. Thus, many people gain entrance into the D/s-BDSM world through a variety of outlets strictly catering to sexual fulfillment.

Private clubs, parties, dungeons, play groups, fetish fairs and kink conventions, along with Fet-Life and other fetish related social sites, and various other outlets introduce many people to the D/s-BDSM world while encouraging anything imaginable in couplings. And the universal belief is…as long as the participants are consenting adults and trustworthy, anything goes.

A very wise person, my grandmother, once told me the following: “Never commit to a relationship that isn’t solidly built with a foundation of love.”

Love cannot guarantee a successful relationship, nothing can, but statistically it has a far better chance of succeeding than any other foundation.

Approximately half of all practitioners of D/s-BDSM adhere to the belief of a love foundation. The lion’s share that adhere to this belief were already in a committed relationship prior to participation in the D/s-BDSM world.

Many of these couples turned to D/s-BDSM to spice up a declining sex-life or explore fantasies or personality traits in one or both mates.

I let kat know early—during the long-distance phase of our relationship—that I have a natural Alpha personality. And, while I prefer relationships that include the D/s dynamic, it must first be built on a solid foundation of love.

Choosing Between the Two Primary Beliefs
If you are an individual or couple interested in pursuing a D/s-BDSM relationship, make sure you take into consideration your specific wants and needs. The best time for introspection and preparation is always before you commit to a new venture. You would think such planning was logically obvious, and yet, people dive into life-changing situations constantly with little or no thought given to the consequence of their actions.

TK was introduced to BDSM through porn, which inspired him to seek out ways to participate directly. Online connections led to play groups and dungeons, and it quickly became apparent to him that his main goal was sexual gratification in as many ways as possible with as many willing partners as he could get. So, consent through the basic contracts, and trusting both parties will adhere to the contracts is the most that he can commit to at this point in his life.

LY & PY were married eleven years before they considered including D/s into their relationship. It was not an easy decision to make. Their vanilla marriage had been mostly positive, but the transition to middle-age played heavy on PY’s self-image and belief that she’d failed to express her true self: her fantasies always included submission, both sexually and non-sexually. But LY finally consented after a lengthy period of communication, as long as the marriage remained traditional with the foundation of love retaining priority over the D/s dynamic. That change occurred six-years ago and is still going strong.

Last Word
Though I’ve always been partial to relationships built on a solid foundation of love—and all available statistics show relationships built on a loving foundation last longer than others—I can see the appeal of a consent and trust foundation for individuals that are more self-centered. If the goal is sexual gratification a foundation built on consent and trust alleviates the deep emotional attachment that committed love brings to relationships.

Just be sure you truly know what you need and want so you can choose the best foundation for you.

D/s: Maintain the Foundation

When a D/s relationship is in sync—both Dom and sub in the proper mindset—it’s one of the best experiences any couple could ever have. That’s why I prefer a D/s relationship over all other options.

Unfortunately, although unique, humans are an imperfect species that can foul-up a perfect wet dream—like a relationship built with a D/s dynamic.

In prior posts, I’ve touched on various areas to protect or maintain while building a solid and loving D/s relationship. In this post I want to stress maintaining the love between the couple. It’s something we all know is important, but (for a variety of reasons) we often overlook or become complacent about: eventually to the detriment of ourselves or the relationship.

KC&MC were married six-years before beginning their D/s journey. They got caught up in sub-frenzy with an order of Dom-frenzy on the side. Both were spurred on by a reignited sex-life that had fallen off for a couple years prior to their commitment to D/s. So, they put all their energy and effort into fulfilling their reawakened lusts.

Any couple in the D/s world for any length of time knows sessions or scenarios (spontaneous or not) fueled by pure lust can have some very satisfying orgasmic rewards. But a relationship that only fuels the lusts will eventually crash and burn or fizzle out when the love foundation rots away.

KC&MC went through a very rough period. They thought a good sex-life alone could fulfill the relationship. They were wrong. But they found out in time, and after just a few counseling sessions they were headed in the right direction again.

Almost every homeowner I know spends hundreds or thousands annually on the cosmetic appearance and upkeep of their home. That fact is stated in their general conversations constantly. But I cannot recall one telling me they also had their foundation checked.

Couples that treat their relationships the same way shouldn’t be surprised when their loving foundation cracks, shifts, crumbles, or falls into a sinkhole.

Every couple should build their relationship on a loving foundation—along with respect, trust, communication, compatibility, honesty, etc. And that foundation needs to be maintained and reinforced constantly. After all, if you make a concerted effort to maintain the love and romance the relationship is founded on, your sex-life will always have a solid foundation to build on.

In other words, if you want a great sex-life keep love and romance alive.

PS: What, you’re still here? Stop reading and go love you mate!

Sex Life: Mix it up to fix it up

During a casual conversation a close friend let it be known that he and his lady’s sex life had dwindled to a quickie every 3-4 weeks. He assured me they still loved each other, and rarely argued, but sex felt more like a chore than a blessing. He said it was a hassle to disrobe and get messy for a quick pop and fizzle.

The demise of their sex life did not occur overnight, it was a slow decline over time. After talking to both of them it was clear that they fell into a common relationship trap: sex became as routine as the rest of their life. And routine sex trades orgasmic bliss for a dissatisfying pop and fizzle.

Their work schedules overlapped and they built a routine around the schedules. When the routine took priority their intimacy suffered, because the longer the routine lasted the deeper they dug their sex life into a rut. This was partly because the lack of time spurred a lack of imagination, so they began to engage in the same 1 or 2 sexual practices every time, which eventually desensitized both. Instead of receiving pleasure it became an effort to reach orgasm. And the lack of pleasure or reward for the amount of effort inspired both to pull away from intimacy.

What they needed to do was make intimacy a higher priority, and fight the routine, rut, and desensitization with a greater variety of sexual play.

It is said that “variety is the spice of life,” which is definitely true for a sex life. And, thankfully, variety is a strong weapon in the D/s dynamic that can easily help D/s couples combat falling into an unhealthy rut that can kill intimacy. But even D/s couples allow the daily grind of life to push them into routines that can harm their relationship.

Constant communication, guarding intimacy, and maintaining a good sex life—spiced up with variety—wards off ruts from routine.

In other words, if you take playfulness and variety out of your sex life don’t be surprised when you become that couple that would rather turn on reruns of old sit-coms instead of turning off the boob tube and turning on their mate.

Thankfully, with kat, I have a mate that maintains a youthful outlook, and is willing to be playful, inventive, and exploratory—guaranteeing our sex life remains spicy.

PS: Enjoy the sizzle so you won’t let it fizzle.

D/s: Triggers, triviality, and trust

The D/s dynamic has the potential to create a level of trust between couples (Dom and sub) that cannot be achieved in any other relationship. However, there is no guarantee that every couple that begins a D/s relationship will attain the highest level of trust possible within the dynamic, because there are always extenuating factors to be considered, and dealt with, by each couple. Continue reading “D/s: Triggers, triviality, and trust”

D/s: Relationship Bond

One of the strongest relationship bonds in this world is the one formed by soldiers that live, train, and go into battle together. I have experienced the bond of brotherhood forged under adversity and fire. And I am still in contact with several of them a few decades after serving together.

However, I have discovered that the D/s dynamic has the potential for an even closer relationship bond when both the Dom and sub commit 100% to the relationship. The respect and trust built during a truly committed D/s pairing allows both Dom and sub to completely be themselves: no lies, no masks, no secrets, just complete acceptance by each other.

I have never found this in any other relationship. And, although I love my brothers-in-arms, and would die for them (as they would for me), there are still parts of me I would never tell them, or show them, but I have no such qualms with kat. She and I have a policy of complete honesty and openness regarding communication. However, it is a policy that can only work with a relationship built on a solid foundation of love, respect, trust, compatibility, and guarding intimacy (along with the aforementioned 100% commitment). Otherwise temptations can creep in that create cracks in the relationship foundation.

The power exchange in the D/s dynamic creates the need for a level of trust that you will never experience in a vanilla relationship. The sub relinquishes partial or total control of their body and certain areas of their life to the Dom. They trust the Dom with the responsibility for fulfilling their wants and needs, while keeping them protected and safe physically and emotionally. And both Dom and sub are expressing a level of vulnerability to each other by accepting the roles which allow them to be who they are without the accepted social norms of society infringing on their needs and desires. And how many vanilla relationships have you been in, or know of, that allow total freedom to express your deepest needs and desires?

Think of the trust level required by a sub to allow herself to be bound and gagged, or to be inspected at anytime by her Dom, or to be used and abused, especially with a pre-agreement of consensual non-consent. And what about the level of trust needed to turn over judgment and punishment of behavior to their Dom?

What about the Dom? Well, he’s showing a side of himself to the sub that no one else is allowed to see; which even includes exploring his own sexual desires, like having his sub stimulate the Male G-spot, etc. And while he’s dominating his sub he trusts himself to remain in control, in order to fulfill his responsibility to his sub and live up to her trust in him.


It is true that this type of relationship has the potential to surpass any other you’ve ever had, especially in the level of trust that can be built, and in the amount of rewards, sexual or otherwise. But like all worthwhile goals you must consider the risks versus rewards.

I have researched relationships, including D/s, from the psychological standpoint for many years. And I’ve had over a dozen years of experience investigating certain specialties. And a couple of things regarding successful D/s relationships stand out better than Godzilla thrashing Tokyo in the noon day sun.


The maturity level of both Dom and sub plays a huge part in the longevity of D/s relationships, as with all relationships, but it is crucial in D/s because of the greater potential for physical and emotional injury.

In all the domestic cases I’ve handled that crashed and burned—vanilla and D/s combined—forty-two percent involved couples under thirty years old. But of the D/s relationships only, the percentage under thirty was 87%.

Why the huge disparity? Isn’t it obvious? Any relationship that has such an extreme power exchange needs to be handled with a greater level of responsibility and maturity.

JG: I became obsessed with doing every new thing I discovered. I pushed “CV” way beyond where she’d said stop. I was addicted to the power of it all. She had to do what I wanted. I took her past her limits. Hell, I totally disregarded her limits completely.

After several abuse of power episodes CV packed and left while JG was at work.

 TL: DD, D/s, BDSM is a trip. It’s all a real head rush. I ain’t ever giving it up. I’ve just had the wrong bitches so far. I want an Lg slave. That’s my dream. But too many tell ya’ they want the same thing, then can’t take it. Fuckin’ cry babies. I mean I want ‘um to cry, but when I make ‘um cry. Not when they whine…whine…whine…whine…whine!

TL used and abused four subs in seven months. The fourth filed charges against him.

CC: I major in women’s studies at (bleep) college. It’s really given me a great outlook on life and where I’m going. And being a Domme is a big part of that. But since I’m Bi, I have two subs: a slave girl (FM) and a panty boy (KT). I had another panty boy (AJ), but that little faggoty piss-pot is trying to get me in trouble. That’s why I’m here. He couldn’t take it. He just hates all women, that’s all. I should’ve seen it from the beginning, and I wouldn’t be in this mess.

CC filmed her sessions with AJ and put them online without his consent, and branded her initials on his penis while he was bound and gagged.

Power over another human without the maturity level to be responsible with that power is a disaster waiting to happen.



The relationship foundation is critical to the success of any relationship, but especially for any relationship that has a power exchange. And I know I’ve said this many times, and will say it again because it really is that crucial.

If your relationship is not built on a solid foundation of love, respect, trust, compatibility, communication, and total commitment then you’re denying the truth and lying to yourself about the relationship’s potential. You’ll never have a successful loving relationship based on physical attraction and sex alone.

Last Word

My experience, observations, and all the research I’ve read clearly shows that couples that have already established a loving relationship (preferably longer than two years) have the best chance to succeed when they decide to integrate the D/s dynamic into their relationship. This does not mean that there are not exceptions to the rule, but even with the exceptions the maturity level of the participants is a major factor.