Know when to hold—Know when to fold

Anyone that has ever played poker has probably heard the phrase, “You’ve got to know when to hold, and know when to fold.” And we’ve all heard stories of people who don’t follow that advice and end up losing a lot.

Knowing when to hold and when to fold is also good advice for relationships. In fact, it’s crucial in D/s—BDSM relationships, because of the communication and trust levels required since there are many activities that can cause mental, physical, and emotional harm if the partners are not in tune with each other.

I have shown in prior posts that, statistically speaking, individuals involved in loving relationships before transitioning into D/s—BDSM have a far greater success rate than individuals attempting to find the right mate while they explore the kink world at munches, play parties, dungeons, online hook-ups, etc.

It is just so much easier to begin and build a D/s dynamic into a relationship when you already have a loving foundation, good communication, mutual respect, and trust. That is why, from a psychological standpoint, I always encourage individuals to find a loving mate that is compatible with them in as many areas as possible prior to transitioning to a D/s dynamic. It allows them the best of both worlds while giving them the best chance for a successful D/s relationship. And, as previously stated, all available data that I’ve researched confirms that perspective.

However, that does not mean successful D/s relationships cannot be attained in other ways. Sure, they can. But there will usually be more obstacles to overcome; particularly when trying to find a loving, compatible mate simultaneously while starting a D/s dynamic.

It is hard enough for long-term loving couples to transition into a D/s dynamic. So, you can imagine the additional strain placed on individuals attempting to begin a D/s dynamic when they do not even know important things about their mate; like how much they like or love each other, what areas they may or may not have compatibility, can they communicate well together, do they have mutual respect, and have they had time to earn each other’s trust.

Individuals who begin under such circumstances with so many obstacles ahead of them must remain focused and keep a level head. If they allow themselves to get carried away in the newness of it all, and succumb to the physical cravings and satisfactions instead of keeping a mature perspective, they can and will run headlong into problems that could have easily been avoided.

ZL: After reading about D/s—BDSM she became fascinated with the prospect of being a sub to a loving dom. Never one to wait for what she wants, she plunged into the kink community: both local and online. She communicated with over fifty prospective doms in a two-week period…and made her choice. She then foolishly signed a contract with him during their first meeting/session; and was conned into believing it was a legal document.

He moved in with her, took control, and slowly brought her into a state of seclusion. With very limited contact with family and friends, and trying to be a good sub to a dom that was never satisfied, she became miserable. A situation that would last nearly six-months. She finally told a brother returning from military duty overseas, and he immediately threw the guy and his meager possessions out of her place.

Sadly, while still yearning to be a sub, she was traumatized so much by her first mistake that she has not been able to commit to another dom since. She’s had sessions with over forty doms since that episode—including a few fem-doms—and hasn’t been able to even do a trial commitment.

For anyone considering a jump into the D/s—BDSM world, especially those that do not presently have a loving mate, make sure your head is where it should be. Find out as much about the D/s—BDSM world as you can. Make some online friends, and maybe friends in the local kink community that you can question. And take time to make a plan, one that you intend to stick with and will not alter unless you have a very good reason. And when you spend time with a prospective partner remember the advice: know when to hold, and know when to fold.

Some Thoughts on D/s…

For a D/s relationship to survive long term, couples need a solid foundation of vanilla (yes, I did write vanilla) love; it will carry them through the hard times all couples experience. For D/s isn’t constant and unchanging, it ebbs and flows in the way of all relationships. Stronger one day, weaker the next.

So many factors play into how intense the D/s dynamic is day to day: physical health, depression, work, family, separation, to name just a few, can take their toll. In other words, life gets in the way. And if we demand our Dom/Domme or sub to always, no matter what, fulfill their agreed-upon roll, it can harm the basic underpinnings of the relationship. Wants and needs of both can fluctuate, and the dynamic has to be adjusted accordingly.

Sometimes, amping up the D/s gets you through; but at other times, taking off the pressure by stepping back is the way to go. Each situation is different, and must be handled using your best judgement. There can even be times when extreme circumstances cause the relationship to have a distinct vanilla flavor, but that’s okay. It will not last. Not if the relationship was first built on unconditional love. (And not just lip service claiming unconditional love.)

Unconditional love accepts who you are, including the person you were before D/s. It says, “I love you, and will accept and stick by you irregardless of D/s.” It says, “If all we have from this point forward is vanilla, I am still here, will always be here.” That tells your partner you are safe with them, that you never have to pretend to be something you are not; love and commitment should not be contingent on playing a certain role.

When each person is given the freedom to just be who they are (or need to be) at any given time, without fear of consequences, they feel validated, and it enables them to meet in the middle and get the relationship, whether D/s or vanilla, back on track. Sometimes the track veers off in a slightly different direction afterward, but that’s okay. Nothing that grows stays static…it’s always in a constant state of change.

Most couples implement the D/s dynamic because one—only one—desires it. And though the one who is led to it may not need it, they recognize the other’s need, and out of love, agree. And here’s the slippery slope: if the one wanting D/s cannot compromise, if to them it’s all or nothing (the me-me-me mentality), their love is not unconditional, and the relationship will eventually fall apart. Unconditional love sees what the other needs. Unconditional love is not selfish. And unconditional love compromises.

Compromises—so much of our relationships are built upon them. Give me this, I’ll give you that. I’ll take this, you take that. And we can’t resent our partner if they aren’t playing the game exactly like we want them to. After all, are we playing exactly like they would like us to? Think about it…look at it from their side. And then meet in the middle.

Being a “Great Lover”

While some people willingly admit it, most people secretly wish they could be known as a great lover. Society often convinces women that they must possess the sensitivity of Sappho, the youthful exuberance of Lolita, the confidence of Mae West, the experience of a high-class call-girl, comprehensive training in the art of the Kama Sutra, and all while remaining somewhat virginal.

Similarly, the male populace often feels like they must have the endurance of a Navy Seal, the comedic timing of Robin Williams, the crowd-pull of the latest flavor-of-the-month rock star, a list of lovers longer than Don Juan, a reputation that equals Casanova, while having an arsenal of kinky sex techniques that would make the Marquis de Sade blush.

Although I was not a virgin when one of my high school teachers decided to unofficially invest a lot of time in my sex-education—which I thought rather odd for a history teacher to do—I was still somewhat surprised at society’s ever-changing and seemingly impossible qualifications to achieve the reputation of a great lover. And I still refuse to believe the absurd claim of Cock Robin of Peckerwood, and how he satisfied a dozen pussies simultaneously: one with each finger plus penis and tongue. After all, the most I ever satisfied simultaneously was four pussies—with tongue, dick, and both hands wielding vibrators—and that only happened once in an adolescent wet dream.

I can truthfully say that I’ve had more than my share of female companionship. But whether that has to do with my stunning good looks (and you can ask the entire class at the Helen Keller Finishing School), my savoir faire sales pitch (I can close a relationship deal faster than any used car salesman selling recycled condoms in prison), or the repetitive use of my honey-flavored dick trick, I couldn’t say. Heck, maybe I simply had a bad case of halitosis and didn’t know it. Oops! There goes another one, So, it’s back to the dating game again.

Honestly, I did have my share of ladies and an abundant sex-life. But after getting physically messed-up during my military hitch—becoming partially disabled—I was obviously concerned about my prospects for a future love-life.

Like most young men I had, at least partially, bought into society’s lies. So, I was worried my sexual stamina might not fully recover as my body healed. Especially when considering that just below my diaphragm to just above my crotch I have enough scars to look like a freeway map of Los Angeles.

Convinced I needed an edge to remain competitive in the social arena I devoured books on sex. But, I added something most young men never consider, books on understanding women. Whether it was from the male perspective, female perspective, medical or psychological perspectives, I didn’t care; I read them all. That is, until I awoke one morning and realized I was thinking like a woman. But I had that exorcised right out of me, and my head didn’t spin around like Linda Blair’s.

In hindsight, I doubt I needed to invest the amount of time and effort that I did in learning about sex and women. However, the effort was clearly rewarded. But now we come to the million-dollar question: Did all the women, experience, and book knowledge make me a “Great Lover?”

Absolutely not.

Yes, much of it was enjoyable. But an equal amount was meaningless. And while there is a certain amount of male pride that develops when pleasuring women almost seems to come naturally—yep, the natural result of decades of sexual exploration and experience—you quickly come back to reality when you realize the vast majority of it has no bearing on whether you’re a “great lover” in the eyes of your present mate.

Now, I know a lot of you older guys who know the simple recipe for being a great lover are probably screaming, “Don’t give it away, dumbass! Let them find it the hard way like we did. It’ll be hilarious watching them continually fuck-up.”

I say, get over it. We’re suppose to be mentors to the next generation.

So, all you young guys listen up. Especially if you still think fucking only has one speed (jackhammer hard), if you think foreplay is a golf term, if you think sex should not last longer than a commercial break, or if your after-sex ritual is rolling over and going to sleep.

Here it is: the quality of lovemaking between you and your mate strictly relies on the level of love, respect, trust, and amount of communication your relationship is built on. It’s that simple!

The more you love, respect, and trust each other the deeper and more honest and open your communication will be. The better the communication the more intimately you will know her. And when you discover all her intimate desires and fantasies, and learn all her favorite body points, along with what triggers her lusts, fulfilling them on a regular basis will quickly elevate your sexual prowess in her eyes.

In other words, if you don’t want to learn all about your mate in order to fulfill her wants and needs, you will never be a great lover in her eyes.

The choice is up to you.

great lover 4

The Mind-fuck

Mind fuck definition—

1. An experience that causes intense and usually disturbing emotion, such as shock, confusion, or fear.

2. An imaginary act of sexual intercourse.

The above are two simple definitions I found when googling mind-fuck, but neither are quite right in how I’m using it here—though #2 is closest. And there’s a form more extreme used in hardcore BDSM, but I’m not going to touch on that in this post; I’m using the term here when referencing how Alpha can arouse me with only words. He fucks my mind.

Ah, the mind-fuck—every good Dom/Domme knows how to do it.

I can’t speak about the giving of one—maybe Alpha will do that in a future post—how it’s done, and how it feels to penetrate your sub’s head and causes her/him to want to please you, to want you to take their body and do with it as you will. My thoughts don’t go in that direction; they sink into that shadowy, simmering world of Daddy taking control.

I love a mind-fuck. And Alpha is an expert.

For much of our relationship, especially at the beginning, Alpha and I were apart for extended periods of time. We loved each other and didn’t want to bring others into our relationship for sexual release, so we did what we had to, to keep intimacy alive over the miles: we used phones and computers in place of physical touch. Yep, we had phone sex.

Alpha gave me specific instructions as to what to do in the hours leading up to our phone conversation, to get me in a submissive, horny mood. And when the agreed upon time arrived, I got comfortable—having toys nearby, and anything else he’d commanded me to assemble earlier in the day. Then I called. After a settling in period, he asked me what I had on, and I knew it was time to begin.

I closed my eyes, and his sexy voice guided me. He described in detail where and how I was to touch, and told me to imagine it was him doing it. My mind could see it all, and so could his (we both have vivid imaginations). He started slow, then gradually built the intensity. And his voice reflected that intensity, becoming more commanding and urgent. Soon, he has me begging to be allowed to cum, but just as he does when we’re together, he refuses me release for a time. Then when finally, he does…all I can say is: Oh. My. God!

I guess you could say that Alpha mind-fucks me in some fashion about every day, whether in person or hundreds of miles away. He reminds me that he owns my body, that he has full control of it, and what he wants to do/is going to do to it. And his voice—masculine, smooth, but with a bit of a growl—can make me weak and wet and wanting long before he even touches me—or allows me to touch myself.

Men, vanilla or otherwise, who take the time to understand women, know that most need to be emotionally touched to crave physical touch, most especially in a long-term relationship. And being touched emotionally doesn’t always have to do with love (though it makes the experience even more intense). Building the desire for sex can be done in many ways: a look, a touch, using certain words and phrases. And in D/s / BDSM, the added element of control is a powerful aphrodisiac. A Dom/Domme who knows how to utilize control using only their voice and words will have his/her sub aching for their touch. They know the art of a mind-fuck.

I’ve read that D/s is a dance between the Dominant and submissive. And a Dom who learns the steps of the mind-fuck, and leads his/her partner in the dance as old as mankind, will have a happy sub.

And lots of fantastic sex.

D/s: Pegging (one Dom’s perspective)

Pegging has various uses and definitions in the D/s community. The primary definitions are as follows:

Peg punishment (also called “sitting on a peg”): the use of a butt plug, dildo, etc., as a punishment—sometimes with humiliation and/or masturbation or edging added.

Pegging preparation: the use of a butt plug, dildo, etc., to arouse and prepare for anal play (butt-fucking, fisting, etc.).

Strap-on pegging: the act of using a strap-on dildo/vibrator for penetration (predominantly referring to female-to-male anal penetration).

Sitting on a peg
Many Doms—especially those in DD/lg and M/s relationships—use some form of pegging punishment. It is often seen in the form of a stool or bench, or a combination thereof that the sub is made to sit on for a specified time period.

Humiliation is often added to lesser or greater degrees; like when a sub is stuck in the corner facing the wall (lesser degree) or placed in the center of the room to be gawked at (greater degree) by Dom and/or others if at a public forum, like a dungeon. The latter is seen more with M/s pairings. And the addition of masturbation or edging creates another level of humiliation for punishment.

Pegging preparation
Doms in most types of D/s relationships have used, or continue to use butt-plugs, dildoes, and other adult toys as preparation with subs for anal play (butt-fucking, fisting, etc.). The type and time of preparation for each sub can vary greatly. Some use it only as part of the foreplay just prior to the anal play, while others may be plugged all day.

Every D/s relationship is different, and every sub has a different tolerance level for the methods used to prepare them. Do what works best for you and your sub.

Strap-on pegging
Most people in the D/s community equate this type of pegging with Fem-Doms/Dommes, since it is a standard practice of many F/m relationships—although it’s not in all F/m pairings, since there are many male subs that consider anal penetration a hard limit.

There are, however, more Doms using this form of pegging in their relationships. The numbers continue to grow as more Doms are educated to the benefits of cock-milking, the male G-spot, or p-gasm.

Do Dom and sub switch?
If a Dom wants to personally enjoy the pleasures of anal play: cock-milking, male G-spot, etc., does he and his sub have to switch (temporarily change their dynamic)? Absolutely not!

I’ve discussed this principle in other posts. Just because the Dom opts to be in a bottom position physically does not change the mental and emotional dynamic.

However, due to the nature of this particular act more care may be needed within the Dom and sub exchange to ensure the sub does not start to top from the bottom. It is always beneficial for the Dom to reaffirm dominance before and after this type of personal pegging. It is also a good idea for the Dom to keep some form of physical control of his sub during the pegging. For instance, have a leash or chain attached to the sub’s collar and gripped by the Dom. The Dom may even choose to blindfold the sub so that everything is done by the sub feeling their way while following the Dom’s commands and directions.

One Dom I know of makes their sub don a mask with a penis gag before allowing her to peg him. Another Dom fills his sub’s pussy and ass with remote controlled vibrators before she’s allowed to peg him. But you really don’t need all that if the Dom and sub simply have good communication skills, a strong love and respect for each other, and a commitment to their D/s dynamic.

Last word
With a little creativity and imagination pegging can be a welcomed addition in any D/s relationship. Work it out between you and keep safety in mind.
For any straight males that think thoughts or desires to have anal play or penetration shows homosexual tendencies, that’s absurd. You need to read my article “D/s and the Male G-spot”, along with other articles on the prostate, cock-milking, and the p-gasm (including medical articles).

 

 

Have a good day.