Trust

I’ve never been a trusting sort, especially when it comes to men. Too many times I’ve been hurt by the very ones who should have, above all others, protected me. Too many times I’ve had men who were in supposedly committed relationships hit on me. So sadly, by the time Alpha came into my life, I was pretty well soured on the opposite sex, and had no intention of investing in a relationship again. I swore to myself: never, ever, ever!

And then I met Alpha, and we became friends. And honest to God, in the beginning that’s all I thought we’d ever be. But quickly, friendship blossomed into love.

But I didn’t fully commit. I didn’t trust.

Circumstances forced us to be apart so often early in our relationship, that we got to know each other mainly through emails and phone calls. And it was during one of those long, nightly calls that Alpha told me he was an alpha male, and in subsequent ones that he desired a D/s relationship with me. I thought, er…okay…I guess…

We didn’t rush right into it. It was a gradual process of getting to know each other even better, of Alpha encouraging me to tell him my past, my thoughts, my fears, my hopes, my dreams, my fantasies. And he told me his. In all this talking (and writing), we found out how compatible we were, from basic core beliefs, to what we wanted in life, to what turned us on.

I didn’t realize at the time—though I’m sure Alpha knew—that opening ourselves up to one another as we had is a key part of D/s. That being able to share your bad side (sharing the good is easy), all those pathetic, ugly, uncharitable thoughts and feelings you keep locked away for fear you won’t be loved if you are honest, is one of the greatest gifts one person can give another. They know the very worst of you and still love you. You can let your guard down; you can trust.

And that carries over into sex. You don’t have to have a killer body because your body is loved just as it is. Just. As. It. Is. Because it houses you. The you that D/s requires you to share. You can trust.

And to me, that is the crux of D/s: trust. Trusting the other person to do their best, day after day, to put you above all others, to do what is best for you, to not hurt you, to be your defender and champion in a world that seems hell bent on crushing you. To love you unconditionally. And to give you lots of cuddles, spankings and amazing sex.

I have never been known by anyone as Alpha knows me. I have never trusted anyone as I do Alpha. He makes me feel worthy.

On my own, I would never have considered a D/s relationship; in fact, until I met Alpha, I had never heard of it, just BDSM (and wasn’t into it). But now that I’ve experienced D/s and the closeness it fosters, I can’t imagine Alpha’s and my relationship any other way. Past vanilla relationships pale in comparison. And who in their right mind would ever want to go back after experiencing a bond that unites you in mind, body, and soul? Not me!

Time Crunch

I read a blog recently—I would name it if I could remember it, but we read so many blogs that I’ve forgotten which it was—that mentioned a big career change and the person’s fears surrounding it, including the fear of not being able to give enough time to their mate.

Well, I’ve recently found myself in a similar situation. I’m not changing positions, I’m adding another position to the three positions I already hold with the organization.

The project could make a big difference to the organization and the small community. And, since it was my idea, and I’m the only person with sufficient skills and experience, I couldn’t very well turn down the position when the project was approved.

Presently, the project is in the final preparation stage prior to launch. So, as you can imagine, it’s occupying a lot of my time. And, as an Alpha, I still want to fulfill my other responsibilities.

Inevitably, with more to accomplish there is less time to get it all done. That includes relationships. And I definitely don’t want anything coming between me and kat.

Kat is always supportive with things I choose to do, and this situation is no exception. However, she was going through one of her depressed spells when this project began, and I was still recovering from bronchitis. So, I worried if the diminished time together would compound the issues and create an emotional distance.

Those who follow our blog know I’m a stickler for constant communication and guarding intimacy in order to maintain a positive emotional connection between us, while keeping our foundation of unconditional love solid.

We couldn’t devote the same amount of time, but we did and do make time everyday to communicate and connect. It’s something we’ve done from the beginning of our relationship. In fact, my day never feels complete until we connect daily.

Kat and I have often given up sleep time to ensure we get enough time to communicate and connect. And, let me tell you, maintaining that connection is one of the best things for the relationship we’ve ever done.

We’ve all heard variations of the cliché regarding time, that if you don’t have quantity make sure the time you spend together is quality time. And I cannot stress it enough, because it’s worth the effort. After all, preventing problems before they occur is much easier and less detrimental to the relationship than cleaning up problems once they’ve burst onto the scene.

It also helps to have a mate that agrees arguments are a waste of time. Yes, communication needs to be constant, but it also needs to be respectful. Though kat and I have different beliefs, and disagree on certain issues, we’ve never had an argument or fight, because we love and respect each other. And that’s a winning combination.

So, while I may still worry from time-to-time about having enough time for kat as this new project moves forward, I’m content to know what time we have will be used wisely.

Two important questions on sub needs

Miriam at miriam the brave commented on my last post, and asked the following questions:

How do you know what a sub needs? Sometimes even the sub doesn’t know.

Do you fear that in her relying on you to meet her needs she will not be able to on her own in the unfortunate situation where you’re no longer around?

I felt that attempting to answer the questions with a few sentences in the comment section would seem trivial and do her an injustice. The questions are too important. In fact, an in-depth answer could fill a book, but that’s not appropriate for a blog, so I’ll give a condensed version.

Qualifications
First off, am I qualified to answer Miriam’s questions? After all, as the saying goes “opinions are like assholes, everyone’s got one.”

I have a degree and background in psychology. I have over a dozen years investigative experience, that includes four specialties, one of which covers domestic relations and abuse. I also have extensive experience in inner city problems: battered women and children shelters, various halfway houses, gangs, etc. And I have nearly two decades D/s experience and research.

1st Question: How do you know what a sub needs?
The average Dom and sub are not psychologists or psychiatrists; so, allow me to give the four primary ways (or tools) the average D/s couple deals with this issue: communication, observation, research, and professional counseling/guidance.

Communication
I wish to clarify that my answers are specifically for 24/7 D/s couples with a foundation of love (I don’t believe part-timers and/or those who stick with public venues, dungeons, play dates, and casual hook-ups will acquire the level of intimacy and trust necessary to accomplish this properly).

To get the complete benefit from the power exchange in a D/s relationship open, honest, and constant communication is imperative. By loving and respecting each other enough to expose your secrets, fantasies, flaws, and other vulnerabilities you’ll reinforce your foundation and build a level of trust necessary to confidently tackle any issue.

Every individual and couple are different; so, the time required to build such an intimate connection is going to vary. But speed is not important, go at a comfortable pace for each of you. What’s important is building the intimacy, trust, and communication levels. The time will be well spent. We all know or have heard of couples that are so close they can practically finish each other’s sentences (similar to the two becoming one biblical concept).

Observation
If you, the sub, are openly, honestly, and constantly communicating with your Dom, they should become well acquainted with your behavioral traits. They will equally pick-up more by living with you, and observing you constantly (if they are making the effort to do so). They will begin to gain an almost intuitive sense of your positive and negative behavioral traits. And this intimate and intuitive level of observation will be used in conjunction with communication and the other primary tools to help decipher the sub’s needs.

Research
If the sub is dealing with one or more specific mental, emotional, and/or physical problems it would behoove you, both Dom and sub, to research and gain as much knowledge about the issues as possible. Remember, knowledge is power. The more you know about what causes the issues and the best available solutions or treatments, the better your chance at making the best decisions for you, your situation, and relationship.

Professional help
Sadly, many people have had atrocious childhoods, abusive relationships, or multiple traumatic experiences in their lives, which can easily cause multiple issues to deal with. And these issues may run the gamut from physical to mental to emotional, and require medical or counseling professionals to properly deal with.

Similarly, if Dom and sub need help understanding any of the research they’ve acquired, it’s better to get help from competent professionals, instead of taking advice from laypersons (D/s or otherwise).

Putting it all together
If everything goes according to plan the Dom will gain an intimate, almost intuitive, knowledge of his sub through continuous communication and observation. The communication and observational knowledge will be constantly compared to the knowledge acquired through research and/or professional assistance. And decisions will be made based on the collective knowledge.

[*In situations where neither Dom nor sub knows what the sub needs, you need to keep utilizing the tools. Keep communicating, observing, researching, etc. And even make use of trial and error until the need becomes apparent. Some issues take longer than others, and some people take longer, especially if there are multiple issues to deal with. But never give up!]

Real world example
Soon after kat and I met I discovered she had dark depressive episodes, which she claimed lasted as long as 7-10 days on average. Since this was during the long-distance phase of our relationship I wouldn’t be able to rely on observation much, if any. However, from the very beginning, kat and I have had an uncanny level of communication. So, I began learning as much about her past and present situations, including emotions, thoughts, fantasies, dreams, everything.

As a trained observer and active listener, it soon became very clear to me that kat—who had endured a few intensely traumatic experiences, along with two long-term negative relationships, and numerous years of emotional abuse—was dealing with all the emotional pain through an inappropriate method which she had started using as a child.

She had built walls around the bad memories, and when the memories and pain broke through she completely shut-down. She felt that feeling nothing was better than feeling the pain. Unfortunately, such methods are negatives not positives. They don’t allow positive solutions which tear down the walls and get rid of the pain for good.

Kat is an intelligent and strong woman. Unfortunately, she didn’t realize she was inadvertently prolonging her suffering with the inappropriate survival methods, because she had fought through it all by herself. She had never gone for any counseling.

I admired her strength and resolve, but she needed help, and I had the training and experience to help her.

We discussed the situation and I initiated a very simple plan that would begin during our long-distance phase, and continue for as long as necessary when we came together. The plan only involved four steps, but I knew they would work for kat—but it would take time (especially since we began it long-distance).

The steps are as follows:

When kat begins to focus on negative thoughts and emotions she needs to immediately fight back with positive thoughts and emotions.

She must never shut me out when she’s shutting down.

We’ll both focus on making an abundance of positive memories together to combat the negative memories (because there has been such a huge imbalance in her life).

[*This waited until we got together.] If she succumbs to a dark episode I will utilize a method of cathartic release to snap her out of it before it gets a strong hold on her.

Did the plan work?
We haven’t been together very long. However, though she isn’t completely rid of everything, the plan is definitely working. Kat has only had a handful of dark episodes since we’ve been together: all of them early during the long-distance phase of our relationship. And yet, even when still long-distance, instead of the 7-10 day durations, like prior to our relationship, the longest episode was 3 days (most were just a day). And, while she still has bad days, she no longer shuts down, she continues to function, and she never shuts me out.

2nd Question: Do you fear that in her relying on you to meet her needs she will not be able to on her own in the unfortunate situation where you’re no longer around?
As a Dom, I do not fear this in my situation with kat, for several reasons. I’ve already mentioned that kat is a strong and intelligent woman. And from the beginning of our relationship, which is built on a solid foundation of unconditional love, we view ourselves as loving partners in all things, including D/s. And the plan I designed for kat’s depressive episodes can, for the most part, be carried out by kat alone if necessary: especially after she’s been doing it so long. And the goal is to cure her from the depression altogether, a goal which is progressing very well, as mentioned above.

However, if per chance something happened to me before she was cured, the parts of the plan that I handle can be slightly altered so that kat could carry on alone, or with a new partner.

Doms predominantly have the last word in D/s relationships, but that doesn’t mean subs should have no word, especially with situations dealing with their mental, emotional, and physical well-being.

I value kat’s opinion, and want her in-put on every major issue before I make the final decision. And I would hope that all D/s couples would work and communicate wonderfully together. This way, if the sub, Dom, or both have issues they will discuss, research, plan, and institute the best plan they can, and the sub never has to feel she’s kept in the dark.

Last word
I understand that this is a condensed version, but all couples, even those with multiple issues to combat, can make good use of it. Keep your love and communication strong. Make plans specific to the sub (do not follow mine, it was tailor-made specifically for kat), and that can be altered for the sub to use alone if the need arises. Institute, maintain, and adjust plans to needs that are known—and never stop searching for answers to needs that are presently unknown: and get help if you need to.

Good luck.

Wishful thinking

“Hey, Alpha,” said Fred. “How long do you think
you can keep up this D/s lifestyle?”
From now until then, the day that I die,
then in the hereafter, I say with a smile.

“I hear you squawk that mighty big talk,
but do you honestly think it’s for real?
Your sub has a say in how long you play,
and she may not feel like sealing your deal.”

The deal was set soon after we met
with the foundation of unconditional love.
We’ll have our play time, which may some day decline,
but the mindset and D/s dynamic still rises above.

A cornerstone of love, with honesty, respect, and trust;
plus, we’re mighty compatible, with communication the key.
So, the D/s lifestyle we’ve chosen will never be frozen,
we’ll keep it warm and active for all eternity.

It’s not about the sex, it’s about who we are,
even more to the point, it’s who we wish to be.
We feel it, we live it, we take it, we give it;
and if it brings happiness here, why not eternally?

 

The lesser of evils

[An Op-Ed piece: not our standard fare.]

 

America will continue to decline in all areas as long as the collective social mentality keeps voting on the lesser of evils based on sound bytes instead of sound minds.

Throughout America the best leaders and employees are those with integrity, dignity, honesty, are not self-serving, they work well with others, plus they work hard and get the job done. But this society continually sends the exact opposite to the final political ballots in each party.

The media continues to bombard the nation with the candidates that they can get the most press from; the big names, big money, big egos, big mouths, big scandals, big controversy, with the biggest claims, and outright biggest liars. The most selfish, self-centered political puppets party politics can buy. Status Quo—which is why nothing changes, and nothing ever really gets done.

The party politicians, on every side, spend their terms wasting time fighting each other in press seeking grandstand moves. Not one of them care about this country or the people. If they did they wouldn’t act like infantile children bickering on the playground. They would settle their differences like mature adults, or at least put them on the shelf until the next election in order to get things done during their time in office.

How long will it take before we the people get fed up with the status quo? How long before we get tired of the power elite politics with every party using the closed-door money deals? How long before we have to stop choosing between the lesser of evils because we can’t get a decent candidate on the final ballots? Or at least one that’s not bought and paid for by the one-percenters—the political puppet masters behind the scenes.

In other words, how long before we demand the system goes back to a government of the people, by the people, for the people?

 

PS: As a disabled vet, I am appalled for having shed blood for a country that has become so corrupted that it no longer cares about the people anymore. Not one party, not a single politician will put the country/the people above their own greed.

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