Feeling Submissive

Recently, I asked Alpha to implement a ritual that would reinforce my submission to him; and I requested that he create it. Me not having a say in what the ritual is, for me, deepens that submissive feeling: I am doing what my Dom commands. And he composed a lovely mantra for me to recite while kneeling, each night before we go to sleep.

It has been hard for me to turn over control to Alpha. In the beginning, D/s sounded wonderful in theory but proved somewhat troublesome implementing. For awhile, life would go along fine for Daddy and his girl, then I would sink into depression causing my obstinate nature to kick in, my inclination to balk at any sort of authority. I wanted D/s and I didn’t want it. And added to the mix, because of past experiences, I would find myself mistrusting Alpha, though he has never, ever given me any reason to do so.

Alpha has always remained calm through my storms, even the last one which was on par with a hurricane (I wrote about it in Humble Pie, and Alpha responded in Alpha’s response to a humbled kat.) I think his background in psychology helps him understand me, so that when I’m hanging out in the wind twisting and turning and not knowing which direction a gust might blow me, he knows I need him to be my rock, solid and strong and calm. And he provides just that.

Then, when the storm passes, he soothes my fears, reassures me of his unconditional love, and makes me feel protected and safe. And we talk about what happened. Alpha knows that parts of me are broken, and wants to help me fit the pieces back together. He wants me happy, not just part of the time, but all the time. And a good part of being happy is being able to let go of the garbage in your past that has hurt you—and lord do I hang onto the bad stuff as if every rotten piece were a life preserver!

Because I agreed to a D/s relationship with Alpha, I also agreed to bare myself inside and out to him. He is privy to the real me that can be a mess at times, and he loves me in spite of myself. He loves me with a selfless love that I’ve never come close to experiencing before. That doesn’t mean there aren’t consequences when I go too far. Alpha will mete out appropriate punishment as he sees fit, which I agreed to at the start of our implementing D/s in our relationship. And putting control of my body into his hands, for both pleasure and pain, contributes to my feeling of submission to him.

When I feel submissive to Alpha, I also feel loved and safe. I feel both a mental calm, and an urgent physical need for him that ranges from desiring sweet cuddling to being ripped apart and devoured by my big, bad Wolf. Those are some powerful feelings. And you can’t get them in a vanilla relationship; at least I never have.

Giving over control to Alpha has brought me more peace than I’ve had in a very long time. And recently, I’ve been able to do away with a few of my soft and hard limits, and Alpha and I are taking my submission deeper—we’ll do baby steps, he says.

You can’t just claim you’re a submissive, and poof, you are. Just like a Dom has to walk the walk, the sub has to do it also. You can’t feel submissive without being submissive.

It may not work for everyone, but my way of feeling submissive is clearing my mind and actively listening to Alpha when he tells me in his own way that he is my Dom, that I belong to him, and will do as he says. I allow myself to feel submissive, to not let the thoughts creep in that try to tell me I am weak and needy because I want this, that I need to pull up my big girl panties and face the world alone. I let his words wash over me and through me. I don’t think; I don’t fight; I just am, and let him take control and lead us where he may.

This is not to say everything will always be smooth sailing. I’m sure in the future I’ll screw up in some fashion, for after all, I still possess a stubborn streak so ingrained I must have been born with the damn thing. But Alpha will be there to pick me up, dust me off, and set my feet back on the right path. And spank my butt if needed.

 

As Dom it’s my responsibility

The necessities of daily life and time spent away from your mate can easily create situations that may affect your relationship. This can happen to anyone, not just those of us in D/s relationships.

Job, family, kids, health problems, and times apart can sap your energy and steer your focus away from your mate.

The recent incident involving kat occurred during a period when a combination of issues commanded more of our time.

Since the new year began I have endured two emergency room visits, which led to hospital stays of several days each, along with rehabilitation time and multiple doctor visits. And this came after taking on an extra project for an organization I belong to (that I spoke about in a prior post). Plus, kat and I spend extended periods with me out of state.

Kat does her best to help in this partnership, but as Dom, it is my responsibility to try and keep everything running as smoothly as possible during these periods; including allotting enough time and energy for kat and the relationship. But in the latest situation the extenuating factors mentioned above clouded my eyes to some warning signals that I normally catch.

This does not absolve kat of willfully choosing to do something she knew was wrong. We’re both firm believers in accountability for our choices and actions. She knows this, accepted it, and has atoned for her actions.

I could have made her punishment harder, but I took the extenuating circumstances into consideration.

I equally held myself accountable, extenuating circumstances or not, for my lapse in observation and judgment. The fact that I was going through a healing period, was responsible for a new project, and away from kat for extended periods is no excuse.

The responsibility ultimately falls on the leader. And I am kat’s Dom and take that responsibility seriously.

Since this situation has occurred I’ve instituted several protocols and duties for kat, along with additional Dom duties for myself, in an effort to keep our relationship a top priority at all times. And to counter the detrimental effects caused by the daily grind and other influences.

It’s too early to tell how these additional measures will fare against new obstacles. But they have already pulled kat and I closer. We have even joked about having that “new love feeling and spark” all over again. And that alone makes the extra effort worth it.

Alpha’s response to a humbled kat

Humble Pie,” the recent post written by kat was hard for her to write. It’s not easy for most people to admit when they screw-up, especially when they screw-up royally. And, believe me, when kat said she “had to eat a big slice of humble pie,” she wasn’t kidding. She probably gained 20-lbs of humbleness in a single sitting.

Admirably, kat chose to do the post. It is not part of the punishments / consequences that I’ve meted out to atone for her disrespectful act.

Being her Dom and the recipient of the disrespectful act—make that extremely disrespectful—I have the right to expose her deceptive actions. It would be an interesting story and a good object lesson for others.

But I am kat’s Dom and have a greater responsibility to her. And she’s already punishing herself more than any outside influence could ever achieve. So, this story must wait to be told till the day we can both laugh at it in hindsight.

Regarding consequences, I’ve assigned some special tasks for kat to accomplish prior to my return home.

One of the consequences is a writing task specifically designed to make kat relive the incident as a learning experience. She has to spell out exactly what she did, what led up to it and why she believes she would choose to do something so contrary to who she is normally. She must also include a formal apology to me with a promise to accept all punishment and consequences and never do anything like it again.

The second task is the deterrent task. I will not divulge the specifics, but it is a displeasing task from kat’s standpoint to deter her from ever deciding to do the same “naughty girl” action ever again.

Those of you that read kat’s post know that upon my return home she will receive a well-deserved spanking. But she knows it will be delivered without anger, and from a foundation of love. With plenty of after-care to begin the healing.

After that we’ll both be able to put it behind us and move forward: kat healing from the guilt and shame, and me healing from the hurt of fresh cuts to the heart (metaphorically speaking of course).

Humble Pie

Humble—

The dictionary defines humble as: “having a feeling of insignificance, inferiority, subservience, etc.” when it is used as a noun; when used as a verb: “to make meek: to humble one’s heart.” There are other variations of definitions, but these two are the ones that speak to me.

A few days ago, I had to eat a big slice of humble pie, and I’m still feeling the effects; metaphorically, I’m still suffering horrible indigestion. And it has humbled me.

I won’t go into details (though Alpha has the right if he so chooses), too embarrassing for me to share even here where I can hide behind the veil of anonymity; but I will say I disrespected Alpha big time, and now I’m paying for it—or will pay for it. We’re in separate states right now, but when he gets home, I’m in for the spanking of my life. And I deserve whatever punishment he chooses to mete out…and probably more. But the physical punishment will pale in comparison to the anguish I feel in my heart.

I feel ashamed, embarrassed, and humbled because of what I did. And strangely enough, extremely submissive. Alpha handled the situation with his usual aplomb, never once raising his voice or showing anger; the man is the most unflappable person I’ve ever known. Yes, he let me know I had screwed up, that he was hurt, and there would be a price to pay; but he never berated me. I yearn to kneel before him, tell him I’m sorry (again), and hold out the belt to him. And when he comes home, I will do just that.

I’m not an old hand to D/s—Alpha being the only man I’ve ever submitted to—and how I’m feeling because of my horrible transgression has surprised me. Yes, I’m his sub, but I’ve never felt this level of submission before. I’ve never felt this level of reverence for Alpha before; yes, I have always respected him, but now it has gone deeper.

And I wonder why this has happened, why I feel even more deeply now that Alpha is my Dom and I am his submissive, that I am His, body, heart, and soul. Why would my screw-up cause my feelings to intensify?

I don’t understand it, but I think Alpha is pleased—not with my action, but how it ultimately affected my submission. He has always told me that he saw the submissive in me almost from the beginning, but I had my doubts if it was truly in my nature. But judging by how I’m feeling now, I have to admit that maybe he was right all along.

But it took the right man to draw it out of me: Alpha…my Dom…my Daddy.

Alpha’s response is here

Award-Free Blog

We’ve received multiple nominations for various awards. And, while kat and I appreciate each nomination—accepting them as confirmation that we’re touching a few people with our words and efforts—we decided early on that this would be an award-free blog.

We want to make it clear to our followers—especially those who have taken the time to nominate us—that we do not wish to offend anyone when we decline the nominations.

Making the blog award-free from the beginning was a personal choice based on negative experiences with other blogs we had prior to Alpha & kat.

We hope our efforts and words continue to touch others in some positive way, and your likes and comments are always encouraged and appreciated.

Thank you, and have a nice day.