Alpha’s Bawdy Word Play: 15th edition

[Alpha’s modern version of bawdy rhymes and erotica similar to the burlesque and vaudeville periods.]

Salt-Peter
Do they still use salt-peter?
As they did quite long ago
When I was a boy
Or the boy was my dad
They slipped it in the meals
In the food that we had
Never given a choice
No voice of our own
And never had to be bad
A mess hall recipe’
In male-only institutions
A secret solution
To nature’s need…and morning woody
When missing your girl or wife
They figured less arousal…less strife
So, they measured out the salt-peter
A pleasure killing dirty trick
But some of us overcame
And still played the sexy game
When you can’t use a salty peter
You please your girl with a salty lick

Harry Hunk
Harry Hunk worked daily to build muscle
It serves him well for he’s won every tussle
He was hired to test security
To protect a queen’s purity
And he failed to get past her chastity belt and bustle

1849er Miner
An eighteen-forty-niner miner
Awoke with a notable shiner
Though he had no clue how he got it

A rather nice gent, his gold dust now spent
Bought rounds for the house, got fractured and bent
None of which explained how he got hit

A choice to survive, no wagon he would drive
A walk in fresh air might even revive
So, off thru the park at a non-sober strut

He chatted quite gleefully at nobody really
A fantasy wife he could touch quite freely
Except he groped and he grabbed a real butt

The gal was Miss Lucy, curvaceous and juicy
Who became quite flirtatious after the goosey
Though she turned rather quick…and oh my!

Her sizable breasts made her bra overstressed
Which blew off her blouse and left her half-dressed
That created an epidemic of male bug-eyes

Her clothes tattered and rent, and the miner a nice gent
He removed his own shirt and it was lent
To Miss Lucy who did cover, though she wasn’t really shy

But her fiancé’ had seen the eye-catching scene
Some say from his ears they saw steam
While he reared back and let the punch fly

The miner had luck, he was able to duck
Though confused, he yelled, “What the fuck!”
And flight, not fight, took control

Away he did run like a son of a gun
With his tipsy side thinking it’s fun
Till he tripped and forgot to tuck and roll

He saw a lady’s crack as she bent by a snack shack
So, down he went to earn the shiner now black
Which tells that part of the tale

But the snacking diner knew the drunken miner
A crush she had for him, this Miss. Spiner
And she took him home and offered him her tail

Her tail was far from rotten, so on her sheets of cotton
The miner’s shiner was quickly forgotten
And their faces both did glow

The miner struck it rich, a fine lady not a bitch
So, all was perfect for him, except for one glitch
If he ever drank again he’d be black and blue from head to toe

Leap Frog
While trying to create a trend
For both women and men
A chap with cross-eyes
Said, “Why don’t we sexualize
The child’s game of Leap Frog?”

Both sexes au natural
With women wearing strap-ons of hard gel
Each want to penetrate and pound
So, all crouch froggy style in the round
And leap over one to hump another bum like a horny dog

Alpha’s Bawdy Word Play: 14th edition

[Alpha’s modern version of bawdy rhymes and erotica similar to the burlesque and vaudeville periods.]

Johnny Six-Fingers
Johnny Six-Fingers
Was a singer
Who sang to the cops they say
He played the dice
And lived rather nice
Till craps altered his play
He thought it a lark
Saw Mac, the loan shark
Intent on rising again
He only aroused ire
Soon came under fire
From the mob’s collection men
When caught he did fidget
Losing digit after digit
He screamed and shed a few tears
It singled his focus
With a deadly hocus-pocus
He learned to prey on men’s fears
Turned shark against shark
Blood flowed in the dark
Gallons to appease his loss
When all was said and done
It wasn’t luck that won
Johnny’s brains made him the top boss
Johnny never did squeal
He made the cops a new deal
All for the sake of survival
For a piece of the pie
In this game of do-or-die
They took down rival after rival
He let his seconds oversee
While he lived a life of luxury
While spreading thighs for a kinky kick
He satisfied the pussy
Loved to make it extra juicy
With his tongue and six-finger trick

Ain’t no hero, ain’t no glory
Ain’t even a moral to this story
Sometimes life is just a throw of the dice
Those who win and those who lose
See how both sides break the rules
Survival of the fittest, or fittest for the vice

A Pussy Tale
From the lips of a friend I heard a tale
About a pussy that couldn’t swim but loved to sail
Until a shark fin
Knocked the pussy in
So, the pussy was now sushi, except for half its tail

Gypsy from Poughkeepsie
The gypsy from Poughkeepsie
Known for her hot sexy tail
She’ll spin you a yarn
And steal without harm
And never sees the inside of jail

The gypsy from Poughkeepsie
Has the tightest little tush
A consummate liar
With eyes of passion fire
Every man’s desire to enter and push

The gypsy from Poughkeepsie
That only takes it in the rear
She grifts and cons
Scams, jams, and slams
Then takes a jack-hammerin’ without fear

The gypsy from Poughkeepsie
With the “A” number one ass
Will steal you blind
While blowin’ your mind
Self-lovin’ with a dildo of glass

The gypsy from Poughkeepsie
With and All-American prime rump
Loves to wheel and deal
But takes time to feel
The pleasure and pain of a ravishing hump

The gypsy from Poughkeepsie
With a symmetrically beautiful butt
Has to steal to survive
But truly feels alive
With her chosen role as an anal slut

 

Have a good day!

 

Alpha’s Bawdy Word Play: Pt.12

[Alpha’s modern version of bawdy word play and erotica similar to the burlesque and vaudeville periods.]

Majestic
The richest royal apparel
Is but filthy rags and shoddy
When compared to that which it covers
The majestic human body

Give and Take
Hush, hush
Don’t be in such a rush
Push, push
Right in that sexy tush
Squeeze, squeeze
You’re being a little tease
Degrees, degrees
There’s levels when you please
Moan, moan
There’s pleasure in this groan
Spank, spank
A measure to which you’ll atone
Alone, alone
Nevermore as Dom and sub
Suck, suck
You on the knob, me on the nub
Give and take
Our D/s dynamic, let’s quiver and quake
Take and give
Forevermore, it’s how we wish to live

Peg Leg Pete
Peg Leg Pete couldn’t stand on his feet
Cuz’ one foot was all that he had
His right foot was lost, a rather steep cost
To find his talent as a whaler was all bad
His ankle went later, chomped off by a ‘gator
The incident made him rather irate
While he did heal, another piece became a meal
Shin and calf went to a shark as shark bait
He’s now a land-lubber, with a penchant for rubber
A major stockholder in a trendy dick-slicker
Condom Man his moniker, protecting the doniker
Though he always goes unsheathed as a pussy-licker

Alpha’s Bawdy Word Play: 11th edition

[Alpha’s modern version of bawdy word play and erotica like the vaudeville and burlesque period.]

 

Ravished
You dirty cad
You’re being so bad
So vile and so forward
Another broken promise
Never again will I trust your word
You scoundrel
You boar
You’re the type I deplore
Your straying hands…
Away, I say
How they grope and tear
Leaving my bosom bare
You paw me like a horny dog
I swoon with fear and lustful fog
As you seek more between my thighs
You hear my moans but not my cries
How rude and vile to ravish me more
But, pray tell, are you sure you’ve locked the door?

Hidey Hole
Blue skies above
Green grass below
Just right for picnic games
Playing Hidey Hole
You show me your pet snake
It loves the stroke and roll
But not as much as a super blow
In my first Hidey Hole
Then it takes a Southern trip
Just how far does it go?
It goes deep—repeatedly
Making my next Hidey Hole…purr
“Thank you, sir,” I say
“But where does your snake now stray?”
“Behind you, dear,” he says
“Like a spear it’ll pierce your rear”
This Hidey Hole he won’t soon leave
He’ll fuck it the rest of the day

Elusive Bliss
There isn’t much to see when you’re raised in a barrio
But every boy in the ‘hood would pay to see my sister, Rosa Ario
If you want her to shed her panties
You each have to up your antes
Cuz’ we work as a team; I’m the flesh peddling impresario

I stimulate their lust addiction with girls that show too much
But always leaving them wanting more; they can look but not touch
Yes, I tease to please with my sis
I sell the ever-elusive bliss
But for those that cross the line, even their cocks will need a crutch

The Nerd
The little dweeb came up to me acting like a player
Wearing silk with a wad of condoms; he fancies himself a love slayer
But platform shoes and an Elvis toupee’
The Woody Allen look his only woody today
Guarantees this nerd hasn’t got a prayer

What’s that? A million dollars! Right this way, honey-bunch
You don’t have to be a player…
With enough cash to be a payor

Alpha’s Bawdy Word Play: 10th Edition

Alpha’s modern version of Bawdy Word Play & Erotica similar to the Vaudeville & Burlesque periods.

 

When You…
When you think it an arrow
I shall rest it in your quiver
When you think it a lance
I shall spear thee till you shiver
When you think it a missile
I shall target only you
When you think it a wand
Its magic will prove itself true
When you think it a dart
It will always hit its mark
When you think it a beacon
It will always light up your dark
When you think it a toy
It will bring you constant joy
When you think it a bottle
You can drink all its elixir
And when you think it a tool
It will be your relationship fixer
As a pleasure and pain mixer

Dandy Dan
Dandy Dan took dick in hand
To top-off a fantasy
Cuz’ Dandy Dan is a randy ol’ man
Who digs fantasies are free
But if fantasies cost
Dan would really be lost
Like a man that is sauced
In a chilled winter frost
Too frigid to be stiff and rigid
Thus, denied his fantasies

Rowdy Rob
Rowdy Rob used to be a slob
Till he shined up his knob and it grew
The shiny knob attracts each maid
So, they keep his place spotless like new
After all, Rowdy Rob may have been a slob…
But he ain’t no fool

Coexisting
Terri’s eyes were insisting
as Ted’s hand was wrist deep in her cunt twisting
this way and that…giving her a fisting.
As his sub she does no resisting,
as if subsisting
on the pain and pleasure; a coexisting
symbiotic relationship.
The D/s dynamic persisting
throughout: the Dominant insisting
while assisting
fulfillment of the sub’s wants and needs.
The wants and needs preexisting
in the personalities of the partners enlisting
each other’s inter-twisting
fetish—that of sadist and masochist—
for the mutual satisfaction now existing.