Know when to hold—Know when to fold

Anyone that has ever played poker has probably heard the phrase, “You’ve got to know when to hold, and know when to fold.” And we’ve all heard stories of people who don’t follow that advice and end up losing a lot.

Knowing when to hold and when to fold is also good advice for relationships. In fact, it’s crucial in D/s—BDSM relationships, because of the communication and trust levels required since there are many activities that can cause mental, physical, and emotional harm if the partners are not in tune with each other.

I have shown in prior posts that, statistically speaking, individuals involved in loving relationships before transitioning into D/s—BDSM have a far greater success rate than individuals attempting to find the right mate while they explore the kink world at munches, play parties, dungeons, online hook-ups, etc.

It is just so much easier to begin and build a D/s dynamic into a relationship when you already have a loving foundation, good communication, mutual respect, and trust. That is why, from a psychological standpoint, I always encourage individuals to find a loving mate that is compatible with them in as many areas as possible prior to transitioning to a D/s dynamic. It allows them the best of both worlds while giving them the best chance for a successful D/s relationship. And, as previously stated, all available data that I’ve researched confirms that perspective.

However, that does not mean successful D/s relationships cannot be attained in other ways. Sure, they can. But there will usually be more obstacles to overcome; particularly when trying to find a loving, compatible mate simultaneously while starting a D/s dynamic.

It is hard enough for long-term loving couples to transition into a D/s dynamic. So, you can imagine the additional strain placed on individuals attempting to begin a D/s dynamic when they do not even know important things about their mate; like how much they like or love each other, what areas they may or may not have compatibility, can they communicate well together, do they have mutual respect, and have they had time to earn each other’s trust.

Individuals who begin under such circumstances with so many obstacles ahead of them must remain focused and keep a level head. If they allow themselves to get carried away in the newness of it all, and succumb to the physical cravings and satisfactions instead of keeping a mature perspective, they can and will run headlong into problems that could have easily been avoided.

ZL: After reading about D/s—BDSM she became fascinated with the prospect of being a sub to a loving dom. Never one to wait for what she wants, she plunged into the kink community: both local and online. She communicated with over fifty prospective doms in a two-week period…and made her choice. She then foolishly signed a contract with him during their first meeting/session; and was conned into believing it was a legal document.

He moved in with her, took control, and slowly brought her into a state of seclusion. With very limited contact with family and friends, and trying to be a good sub to a dom that was never satisfied, she became miserable. A situation that would last nearly six-months. She finally told a brother returning from military duty overseas, and he immediately threw the guy and his meager possessions out of her place.

Sadly, while still yearning to be a sub, she was traumatized so much by her first mistake that she has not been able to commit to another dom since. She’s had sessions with over forty doms since that episode—including a few fem-doms—and hasn’t been able to even do a trial commitment.

For anyone considering a jump into the D/s—BDSM world, especially those that do not presently have a loving mate, make sure your head is where it should be. Find out as much about the D/s—BDSM world as you can. Make some online friends, and maybe friends in the local kink community that you can question. And take time to make a plan, one that you intend to stick with and will not alter unless you have a very good reason. And when you spend time with a prospective partner remember the advice: know when to hold, and know when to fold.

D/s: Word of Warning!

There is nothing inherently wrong with pursuing pleasure or attempting to fulfill a fantasy. I’ve definitely pursued those paths often. However, there are many factors within the D/s—BDSM world that need to be considered prior to pursuing the pleasure path or engaging in some fantasy fare. So many things can go wrong when you’re trying to connect with strangers for possible relationships, instant sexual gratification, or even so-called innocent play and bonding at public events.

I have handled hundreds of domestic and criminal cases over two decades as an investigator. And I’ve officially and privately researched thousands of cases involving D/s—BDSM: compiling a collection of cases for psychological studies.

There is an overabundance of evidence to show that too many individuals and couples fail to heed the warnings, discard common sense, and throw caution to the wind in the pursuit of pleasure. Such choices lead to physical, emotional, and psychological pain; destroyed relationships and/or undue burden on loved ones, and many other consequences including kidnapping, rape, and murder.

A sad truth in our society, even in the information age, is that most law enforcement officers, attorneys, and social workers are ill-equipped, poorly trained, or completely clueless with regard to cases involving a D/s dynamic. Most are misclassified, many deem the dynamic to be irrelevant, and others are noted but overlooked or missed entirely.

So, allow me once more to be the voice of reason. But first, I’ll relate some real-life examples to help inspire you to heed the warning.

CZ: A college coed who became interested in the D/s—BDSM community after a campus discussion involving various speakers in sex trades and alternate lifestyles. Her roommate said an incident with one of the speakers following the discussion was the catalyst that fueled an instant obsession: one she pursued in earnest.

She devoured information about the specific lifestyle she fantasized about, and made her first online hook-up at the end of the first week. She made four the second week, and another four the following week, but she would never make the final hook-up. Her body was found in a muddy ditch in a lightly wooded area near a construction site.

LW: A high-school student, he had a chance meeting with an older individual in a public restroom at a park. The encounter sparked a desire to pursue that type of activity further, but he wasn’t convinced that he wanted the whole lifestyle. Therefore, since he was a high-school student and athlete in a comparatively small rural town, he chose to pursue the fantasy in a larger city across the border in a neighboring state.

He set-up a meet with a male a few years older, but with a similar background as his. Unfortunately, it was a fake online persona. One man was a decoy, soon joined by three others. He was robbed, gang-raped, and beat mercilessly. He survived, but can never play sports again.

KI: A hardworking single-mother that found herself lonely and seeking companionship after the last of her two children married and left the nest. She tried a few blind-dates and dating sites with dismal results. But her time spent online led her to D/s—BDSM sites and blogs that portrayed the kink community far differently than the stereotypical Hollywood versions. The sites led her to local events, which appeared to have awakened desires that laid dormant for years.

The amount of activities she pursued in a relatively short period seemed to suggest what is termed “sub-frenzy.” Then she disappeared the day before her birthday. And the last known contact with family was a message to her sister, telling her not to worry if she couldn’t be reached, cuz’ she was about to have the sexiest birthday of her life.

Yes, a lot of pleasure can be had in the D/s—BDSM world as long as you take the time to become informed, and don’t discard the common-sense steps to remain protected and safe. And there are many good sites and blogs with posts covering ideas on how to remain safe. Do yourself a favor and google a few. You don’t want your path to pleasure bringing you into the arms of posers and predators.

I’ve seen the negative aftermath too many times, and researched many more. And, sadly, a vast majority of the horrific endings could have easily been prevented.

What Happens In Dallas…

Missy, Sissy, Lizzie, Millie, Susie, Betty, and Debbie, known back in high school as the “Seven Blonde Babes”, still did everything together. Though their high school days were far behind them—most had children and all but Lizzie were married—they were still best friends, and no matter how hectic their lives, still got together the last Friday of the month for a girl’s night out.

They met up at Lizzie’s after work, did each other’s makeup and hair, put on their party clothes, then piled into Lizzie’s Suburban. From there it was about a thirty-minute drive to Dallas, where they hit the bars and drank and danced into the wee hours of the morning. Sometimes they did more than drink and dance, sometimes the night’s entertainment contained a man or two. Or more. But they always had to be the right sort of men, the alphas who were into rough sex, spankings and such. All the Seven Blonde Babes were into kink, and none of the six who were married ever got enough from their husbands. And since they always spent the night at Lizzie’s following their night out, no one was expecting them home. They could let go.

It was all just innocent fun, and what happened in Dallas stayed in Dallas.

So, when two guys came on to them, two good-looking macho guys dressed in expensive suits, then invited them to take the party to Mitch’s (the taller of the two) house, the Seven Blonde Babes conferred and all agreed that it sounded like fun. Two guys, seven girls…the possible combinations were endless. And who knew, they might get tied up and face-fucked, or at the very least get a good spanking out of it, especially if they asked nicely and said pretty-please. Continue reading “What Happens In Dallas…”

Taken in Hand

Ordered to lie
Facedown on bed
Blindfold on eyes
Hands tied, legs spread

Hard smack of hand
On panty-clad ass
Wanton hips rise
Lips gasp

Rough hand jerks panties
Down to quivering knees
Leather softly caresses
Please, Daddy, please…

Slap…squeal of pain
Slap…moan of pleasure
He knows what she craves
He’s taken her measure

Rosy blush that blooms
Dusky bruises that form
Will color her world
And keep her heart warm

His marks on her body
Will be a reminder every day
To mind her Daddy Dom
Or she will pay

But please tell me this—
Is a sound spanking really pay
Since she’s been a good girl
Or instead fundamental play

For kat needs Daddy
To take her in hand
To tame her wild side
And prove he’s a man

D/s: Self-Discovery after an Unhealthy Beginning (Part Two)

My initiation into the world of D/s—BDSM began with an unhealthy relationship with an older woman that lasted from age 15-17, when I severed it to enter into the military: discussed in Part One.

The relationship ended, but it was merely the beginning of my D/s journey. A journey that has spanned a few decades.

I received injuries during my time in the military that left me partially disabled. The injuries, along with the way the system constantly jerked me around, added to the anger issues I had been suppressing for years. The combination of issues made it difficult for me to transition back into society after my discharge.

One of the things that helped me through this awkward period was periodic participation in D/s. It was cathartic. It fed needs, satisfied wants, and decompressed me enough that I could keep the anger in check (at least most of the time).

Unfortunately, fate, chance, or a hell-spawn with a bad case of hemorrhoids sent a childhood sweetheart crashing back into my life.

In hindsight, I can see that I was hoping she would bring calm and a sense of normalcy to my chaotic existence. That hope clouded my mind to warning signs and common sense.

I had backed away from my faith years earlier. So, we were married in a TV station instead of a church.

Well, not only was the marriage not blessed, it appeared to be cursed from the start. And it crashed and burned within a couple years when I realized she could not stop spreading her legs for other guys, while I was working two jobs and going to college trying to build us a future.

Needless to say, when someone who claims to love you makes a habit of backstabbing and betrayal, it creates a “bad taste” in your mouth for long-term relationships. So, after the divorce I played the field for over a decade and a half before I ever considered another long-term relationship. A relationship I never would have entered into if it had not been for D/s.

My participation as a Dom in D/s encounters during this lengthy period helped me reconnect to parts of my alpha personality and belief system I was raised with. Parts of me that had been damaged as a result of the unhealthy relationships in my past.

I regained my love and respect for women, which had not disappeared completely, but had been tainted because of the unhealthy relationships. And, as a Dom, I took the responsibilities seriously. I made sure the wants and needs of the sub were fulfilled, even if it meant sacrificing my own. And when I had returned to that level of interaction, as a result of D/s participation, I knew I could once again handle a long-term relationship: the way I believe it should be handled.

The next long-term relationship turned out to be my first long-term D/s relationship since the unhealthy relationship I had as a teenager. And my first 24/7 D/s relationship.

The relationship with my second wife was very different from anything I had prior. It became evident early on that—although she had strength in some areas—she wanted and needed a lot of control. As a result of past events she literally dreaded making decisions.

As luck or that hemorrhoidal hell-spawn would have it, total control over the family was inevitable. My wife became terminally ill and fought valiantly over the next seven-plus years before passing.

It took a combination of my regained faith, the belief system I’d been raised with, my alpha personality, and my strong commitment to the responsibilities of being a Dom to endure those mind-numbing, physically taxing, and heartbreaking years. Days, weeks, months, and years that flowed together in a fog of little or no sleep. Taking care of her and her young son, running the household, and working full-time. Giving up sleep to caress and massage her for hours because it was the only way we found for her to be able to sleep when the pain got too bad. And yes, even having to find time and ways to give her pleasure—because the illness robbed her of most activities she had once done.

Why? Because it’s a man’s responsibility. And I could not be a good mate or Dom if I wasn’t a good man to begin with.

The American system I once bled for, became partially disabled for, and use to praise fucked me over soon after my wife died—and without the common decency of a kiss or a reach-around.

It was the financial crash of 2009. And “Dear old Uncle Sam” bailed out the financial “wizards” that caused the crash but did absolutely nothing for millions of innocent Americans that lost everything.

Needless to say, having no time to grieve properly and seeing 30-years of work and savings flushed down the governmental toilet did not put me in a mood for any long-term relationship.

Subsequently, all I could emotionally handle at that point were some “friends with benefits:” most of which were vanilla with an occasional kink thrown in. Except one. She was all for D/s but pushed marriage quicker than a Las Vegas drive thru chapel.

Several years past, and I became convinced that I would never have another permanent relationship. But, like the adage states, love comes when you least expect it. And, in this case, it also came from where I never expected it: online.

Those of you that have followed us for any length of time know that kat and I began with a long-distance relationship before coming together.

We both had two prior marriages. And she, like me, had not been seeking, nor wanting, any long-term relationship. But we could not deny how compatible we were, or the uncanny way we communicated from the beginning.

It was like a breath of fresh air to have a strong woman that knelt out of love and respect instead of one that purely needed to be controlled. Though, I have nothing against women with weaker personalities: I’ve known many that were both interesting and lovable. But, as a natural alpha I prefer the added challenge of a strong woman.

The 24/7 D/s relationship that kat and I agreed to is absolutely nothing like my prior long-term D/s relationships. Sure, she has relinquished control of her body to me, and accepted me as the head of the relationship. But she neither wants nor needs to be micro-managed or burdened with an overabundance of protocols. Which leaves more free time to simply enjoy each other’s company.

After decades in leadership positions, both in and out of D/s, I am way beyond the need for constant control of every little detail. I prefer my natural style of leading by example and delegating when necessary.

I hope my D/s journey will continue and reach the final end with kat. I never loved anyone as much, nor felt as compatible with anyone like I feel with her. And as I have come to know myself better throughout my journey, it is nice to be in a relationship that seems practically tailor-made for me, where I can just be myself. And what can be better than that?

It doesn’t mean that kat and I don’t have problems. We do. In fact, we’re dealing with issues presently that have sparked kat’s depression triggers. But, above all else, we’ve built this relationship on a foundation of unconditional love. So, we’ll continue to love each other, keep communicating, and weather this storm like all previous storms.

Last Word:
My D/s journey started in a very inappropriate way. It has not always been enjoyable, and I would caution anyone from entering a D/s relationship without some serious thought and making sure to find the right partner. But after several decades of D/s experience it has truly been a journey of self-discovery. And, similar to my faith, and the beliefs concerning manhood that I was raised with, I would not be the person I am today without taking the D/s journey.