Wisdom of Wounds

 

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The innocence of beauty
and the wisdom of wounds
can be a powerful combination
when harmoniously balanced.
Yet beauty’s teaching will always be
inferior to the wisdom of wounds.
Beauty is fleeting.
The wisdom of wounds endures.
The wise learn from their wounds:
yet fools see the same wound multiply,
since wounds, untreated,
expand.

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However, only a masochist seeks pain.
Like a society worshipping youth
and beauty above experience and wisdom
forever doomed to repeat
its self-inflicted wounds.
How many of tomorrow’s pains
could we be spared if we’d only
learn from the wounds of today?
There truly is…
wisdom in wounds.

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[Another contribution from JW: art and words.]

Know when to hold—Know when to fold

Anyone that has ever played poker has probably heard the phrase, “You’ve got to know when to hold, and know when to fold.” And we’ve all heard stories of people who don’t follow that advice and end up losing a lot.

Knowing when to hold and when to fold is also good advice for relationships. In fact, it’s crucial in D/s—BDSM relationships, because of the communication and trust levels required since there are many activities that can cause mental, physical, and emotional harm if the partners are not in tune with each other.

I have shown in prior posts that, statistically speaking, individuals involved in loving relationships before transitioning into D/s—BDSM have a far greater success rate than individuals attempting to find the right mate while they explore the kink world at munches, play parties, dungeons, online hook-ups, etc.

It is just so much easier to begin and build a D/s dynamic into a relationship when you already have a loving foundation, good communication, mutual respect, and trust. That is why, from a psychological standpoint, I always encourage individuals to find a loving mate that is compatible with them in as many areas as possible prior to transitioning to a D/s dynamic. It allows them the best of both worlds while giving them the best chance for a successful D/s relationship. And, as previously stated, all available data that I’ve researched confirms that perspective.

However, that does not mean successful D/s relationships cannot be attained in other ways. Sure, they can. But there will usually be more obstacles to overcome; particularly when trying to find a loving, compatible mate simultaneously while starting a D/s dynamic.

It is hard enough for long-term loving couples to transition into a D/s dynamic. So, you can imagine the additional strain placed on individuals attempting to begin a D/s dynamic when they do not even know important things about their mate; like how much they like or love each other, what areas they may or may not have compatibility, can they communicate well together, do they have mutual respect, and have they had time to earn each other’s trust.

Individuals who begin under such circumstances with so many obstacles ahead of them must remain focused and keep a level head. If they allow themselves to get carried away in the newness of it all, and succumb to the physical cravings and satisfactions instead of keeping a mature perspective, they can and will run headlong into problems that could have easily been avoided.

ZL: After reading about D/s—BDSM she became fascinated with the prospect of being a sub to a loving dom. Never one to wait for what she wants, she plunged into the kink community: both local and online. She communicated with over fifty prospective doms in a two-week period…and made her choice. She then foolishly signed a contract with him during their first meeting/session; and was conned into believing it was a legal document.

He moved in with her, took control, and slowly brought her into a state of seclusion. With very limited contact with family and friends, and trying to be a good sub to a dom that was never satisfied, she became miserable. A situation that would last nearly six-months. She finally told a brother returning from military duty overseas, and he immediately threw the guy and his meager possessions out of her place.

Sadly, while still yearning to be a sub, she was traumatized so much by her first mistake that she has not been able to commit to another dom since. She’s had sessions with over forty doms since that episode—including a few fem-doms—and hasn’t been able to even do a trial commitment.

For anyone considering a jump into the D/s—BDSM world, especially those that do not presently have a loving mate, make sure your head is where it should be. Find out as much about the D/s—BDSM world as you can. Make some online friends, and maybe friends in the local kink community that you can question. And take time to make a plan, one that you intend to stick with and will not alter unless you have a very good reason. And when you spend time with a prospective partner remember the advice: know when to hold, and know when to fold.

Fashionable or not

[Another contribution by JW: poetry and art.]

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Fashionable or not,
faith in beauty remains as fickle
as the ever-changing fads it inspires.
After all, fashion is merely another persons
opinion of how you should look or act.
Find what makes you happy
and ditch the rest.
Outside or inside,
if your reflection isn’t perfection
you’ve got no right to judge.
And what good is a high IQ
to anyone dumb enough to judge others
by the way they look?
Condemnation of another person’s
imperfections has always been
a sign of simpletons,
no matter how richly they’re adorned.
To those unable to see the beauty here,
come back when you mature.
To iterate; it’s overlooking imperfections
which draws us closer to perfection.
Especially since no one honestly relates
to Madison Avenue:
scars are the “Real Thing”.
Our differences make us special: unique.
Not our similarities, but our differences
which perfectly distinguish us.
Hate me for my differences
and you hate yourself.
Condemn me for my imperfections
and you condemn yourself.
Only by accepting me
can you truly accept yourself

 

D/s: Word of Warning!

There is nothing inherently wrong with pursuing pleasure or attempting to fulfill a fantasy. I’ve definitely pursued those paths often. However, there are many factors within the D/s—BDSM world that need to be considered prior to pursuing the pleasure path or engaging in some fantasy fare. So many things can go wrong when you’re trying to connect with strangers for possible relationships, instant sexual gratification, or even so-called innocent play and bonding at public events.

I have handled hundreds of domestic and criminal cases over two decades as an investigator. And I’ve officially and privately researched thousands of cases involving D/s—BDSM: compiling a collection of cases for psychological studies.

There is an overabundance of evidence to show that too many individuals and couples fail to heed the warnings, discard common sense, and throw caution to the wind in the pursuit of pleasure. Such choices lead to physical, emotional, and psychological pain; destroyed relationships and/or undue burden on loved ones, and many other consequences including kidnapping, rape, and murder.

A sad truth in our society, even in the information age, is that most law enforcement officers, attorneys, and social workers are ill-equipped, poorly trained, or completely clueless with regard to cases involving a D/s dynamic. Most are misclassified, many deem the dynamic to be irrelevant, and others are noted but overlooked or missed entirely.

So, allow me once more to be the voice of reason. But first, I’ll relate some real-life examples to help inspire you to heed the warning.

CZ: A college coed who became interested in the D/s—BDSM community after a campus discussion involving various speakers in sex trades and alternate lifestyles. Her roommate said an incident with one of the speakers following the discussion was the catalyst that fueled an instant obsession: one she pursued in earnest.

She devoured information about the specific lifestyle she fantasized about, and made her first online hook-up at the end of the first week. She made four the second week, and another four the following week, but she would never make the final hook-up. Her body was found in a muddy ditch in a lightly wooded area near a construction site.

LW: A high-school student, he had a chance meeting with an older individual in a public restroom at a park. The encounter sparked a desire to pursue that type of activity further, but he wasn’t convinced that he wanted the whole lifestyle. Therefore, since he was a high-school student and athlete in a comparatively small rural town, he chose to pursue the fantasy in a larger city across the border in a neighboring state.

He set-up a meet with a male a few years older, but with a similar background as his. Unfortunately, it was a fake online persona. One man was a decoy, soon joined by three others. He was robbed, gang-raped, and beat mercilessly. He survived, but can never play sports again.

KI: A hardworking single-mother that found herself lonely and seeking companionship after the last of her two children married and left the nest. She tried a few blind-dates and dating sites with dismal results. But her time spent online led her to D/s—BDSM sites and blogs that portrayed the kink community far differently than the stereotypical Hollywood versions. The sites led her to local events, which appeared to have awakened desires that laid dormant for years.

The amount of activities she pursued in a relatively short period seemed to suggest what is termed “sub-frenzy.” Then she disappeared the day before her birthday. And the last known contact with family was a message to her sister, telling her not to worry if she couldn’t be reached, cuz’ she was about to have the sexiest birthday of her life.

Yes, a lot of pleasure can be had in the D/s—BDSM world as long as you take the time to become informed, and don’t discard the common-sense steps to remain protected and safe. And there are many good sites and blogs with posts covering ideas on how to remain safe. Do yourself a favor and google a few. You don’t want your path to pleasure bringing you into the arms of posers and predators.

I’ve seen the negative aftermath too many times, and researched many more. And, sadly, a vast majority of the horrific endings could have easily been prevented.

More ebbs than flows

Kat’s last post spoke of the need for unconditional love as the relationship foundation in order to continue on during the ebbs and flows that all relationships encounter.

Unfortunately, this year has seen far more ebbs than flows. Family obligations, relations, and positions of responsibility have taken their fair share of time and effort. But this year both kat and I (primarily me as a disabled Vet) have been inundated with physical obstacles: injuries, illnesses, and medical appointments and procedures that never seem to cease. When one appears to be at an end another one (or more) pops up to take its place.

It’s been exasperating!

When your body is not functioning properly it can easily create obstacles to every area of your life.

No matter how hard we try to forge ahead and function with some semblance of normality it eventually becomes impossible. And no matter how much kat and I want and need D/s in our relationship, sometimes it just has to take a backseat for a while. Which is one reason I’ve been doing more short pieces and poetry, instead of the longer nonfiction D/s topical posts this year.

Kat can verify that I function on less than 4 hours sleep during the best of times, but it’s down to around 2 hours this year—with many sleepless nights. Often 2-4 sleepless nights consecutively: even during hospital stays with pain meds and sleeping pills that don’t seem to work well for me.

Kat and I still find time for intimacy, which we both agree is important. But it has just been too difficult trying to maintain a consistent 24/7 D/s relationship with the protocols, etc. So, I’ve suspended the mandatory Dom & sub duties until we get beyond the major physical issues.

Since we’ve always received far more response to our lengthier nonfiction D/s pieces, I just thought I’d let our followers know why we’ve put up less of those this year than usual.

The humorous pieces flow out of me like water. The nonfiction pieces don’t, especially with the constant pain and lack of sleep. But we will keep trying to make our Tuesday and Friday post dates as long as we physically can, even if they have to be more of the shorter pieces. And hopefully we’ll get beyond the physical issues like we have all previous issues.

Have a nice day!