Fashionable or not

[Another contribution by JW: poetry and art.]

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Fashionable or not,
faith in beauty remains as fickle
as the ever-changing fads it inspires.
After all, fashion is merely another persons
opinion of how you should look or act.
Find what makes you happy
and ditch the rest.
Outside or inside,
if your reflection isn’t perfection
you’ve got no right to judge.
And what good is a high IQ
to anyone dumb enough to judge others
by the way they look?
Condemnation of another person’s
imperfections has always been
a sign of simpletons,
no matter how richly they’re adorned.
To those unable to see the beauty here,
come back when you mature.
To iterate; it’s overlooking imperfections
which draws us closer to perfection.
Especially since no one honestly relates
to Madison Avenue:
scars are the “Real Thing”.
Our differences make us special: unique.
Not our similarities, but our differences
which perfectly distinguish us.
Hate me for my differences
and you hate yourself.
Condemn me for my imperfections
and you condemn yourself.
Only by accepting me
can you truly accept yourself

 

D/s: Word of Warning!

There is nothing inherently wrong with pursuing pleasure or attempting to fulfill a fantasy. I’ve definitely pursued those paths often. However, there are many factors within the D/s—BDSM world that need to be considered prior to pursuing the pleasure path or engaging in some fantasy fare. So many things can go wrong when you’re trying to connect with strangers for possible relationships, instant sexual gratification, or even so-called innocent play and bonding at public events.

I have handled hundreds of domestic and criminal cases over two decades as an investigator. And I’ve officially and privately researched thousands of cases involving D/s—BDSM: compiling a collection of cases for psychological studies.

There is an overabundance of evidence to show that too many individuals and couples fail to heed the warnings, discard common sense, and throw caution to the wind in the pursuit of pleasure. Such choices lead to physical, emotional, and psychological pain; destroyed relationships and/or undue burden on loved ones, and many other consequences including kidnapping, rape, and murder.

A sad truth in our society, even in the information age, is that most law enforcement officers, attorneys, and social workers are ill-equipped, poorly trained, or completely clueless with regard to cases involving a D/s dynamic. Most are misclassified, many deem the dynamic to be irrelevant, and others are noted but overlooked or missed entirely.

So, allow me once more to be the voice of reason. But first, I’ll relate some real-life examples to help inspire you to heed the warning.

CZ: A college coed who became interested in the D/s—BDSM community after a campus discussion involving various speakers in sex trades and alternate lifestyles. Her roommate said an incident with one of the speakers following the discussion was the catalyst that fueled an instant obsession: one she pursued in earnest.

She devoured information about the specific lifestyle she fantasized about, and made her first online hook-up at the end of the first week. She made four the second week, and another four the following week, but she would never make the final hook-up. Her body was found in a muddy ditch in a lightly wooded area near a construction site.

LW: A high-school student, he had a chance meeting with an older individual in a public restroom at a park. The encounter sparked a desire to pursue that type of activity further, but he wasn’t convinced that he wanted the whole lifestyle. Therefore, since he was a high-school student and athlete in a comparatively small rural town, he chose to pursue the fantasy in a larger city across the border in a neighboring state.

He set-up a meet with a male a few years older, but with a similar background as his. Unfortunately, it was a fake online persona. One man was a decoy, soon joined by three others. He was robbed, gang-raped, and beat mercilessly. He survived, but can never play sports again.

KI: A hardworking single-mother that found herself lonely and seeking companionship after the last of her two children married and left the nest. She tried a few blind-dates and dating sites with dismal results. But her time spent online led her to D/s—BDSM sites and blogs that portrayed the kink community far differently than the stereotypical Hollywood versions. The sites led her to local events, which appeared to have awakened desires that laid dormant for years.

The amount of activities she pursued in a relatively short period seemed to suggest what is termed “sub-frenzy.” Then she disappeared the day before her birthday. And the last known contact with family was a message to her sister, telling her not to worry if she couldn’t be reached, cuz’ she was about to have the sexiest birthday of her life.

Yes, a lot of pleasure can be had in the D/s—BDSM world as long as you take the time to become informed, and don’t discard the common-sense steps to remain protected and safe. And there are many good sites and blogs with posts covering ideas on how to remain safe. Do yourself a favor and google a few. You don’t want your path to pleasure bringing you into the arms of posers and predators.

I’ve seen the negative aftermath too many times, and researched many more. And, sadly, a vast majority of the horrific endings could have easily been prevented.

More ebbs than flows

Kat’s last post spoke of the need for unconditional love as the relationship foundation in order to continue on during the ebbs and flows that all relationships encounter.

Unfortunately, this year has seen far more ebbs than flows. Family obligations, relations, and positions of responsibility have taken their fair share of time and effort. But this year both kat and I (primarily me as a disabled Vet) have been inundated with physical obstacles: injuries, illnesses, and medical appointments and procedures that never seem to cease. When one appears to be at an end another one (or more) pops up to take its place.

It’s been exasperating!

When your body is not functioning properly it can easily create obstacles to every area of your life.

No matter how hard we try to forge ahead and function with some semblance of normality it eventually becomes impossible. And no matter how much kat and I want and need D/s in our relationship, sometimes it just has to take a backseat for a while. Which is one reason I’ve been doing more short pieces and poetry, instead of the longer nonfiction D/s topical posts this year.

Kat can verify that I function on less than 4 hours sleep during the best of times, but it’s down to around 2 hours this year—with many sleepless nights. Often 2-4 sleepless nights consecutively: even during hospital stays with pain meds and sleeping pills that don’t seem to work well for me.

Kat and I still find time for intimacy, which we both agree is important. But it has just been too difficult trying to maintain a consistent 24/7 D/s relationship with the protocols, etc. So, I’ve suspended the mandatory Dom & sub duties until we get beyond the major physical issues.

Since we’ve always received far more response to our lengthier nonfiction D/s pieces, I just thought I’d let our followers know why we’ve put up less of those this year than usual.

The humorous pieces flow out of me like water. The nonfiction pieces don’t, especially with the constant pain and lack of sleep. But we will keep trying to make our Tuesday and Friday post dates as long as we physically can, even if they have to be more of the shorter pieces. And hopefully we’ll get beyond the physical issues like we have all previous issues.

Have a nice day!

Being a “Great Lover”

While some people willingly admit it, most people secretly wish they could be known as a great lover. Society often convinces women that they must possess the sensitivity of Sappho, the youthful exuberance of Lolita, the confidence of Mae West, the experience of a high-class call-girl, comprehensive training in the art of the Kama Sutra, and all while remaining somewhat virginal.

Similarly, the male populace often feels like they must have the endurance of a Navy Seal, the comedic timing of Robin Williams, the crowd-pull of the latest flavor-of-the-month rock star, a list of lovers longer than Don Juan, a reputation that equals Casanova, while having an arsenal of kinky sex techniques that would make the Marquis de Sade blush.

Although I was not a virgin when one of my high school teachers decided to unofficially invest a lot of time in my sex-education—which I thought rather odd for a history teacher to do—I was still somewhat surprised at society’s ever-changing and seemingly impossible qualifications to achieve the reputation of a great lover. And I still refuse to believe the absurd claim of Cock Robin of Peckerwood, and how he satisfied a dozen pussies simultaneously: one with each finger plus penis and tongue. After all, the most I ever satisfied simultaneously was four pussies—with tongue, dick, and both hands wielding vibrators—and that only happened once in an adolescent wet dream.

I can truthfully say that I’ve had more than my share of female companionship. But whether that has to do with my stunning good looks (and you can ask the entire class at the Helen Keller Finishing School), my savoir faire sales pitch (I can close a relationship deal faster than any used car salesman selling recycled condoms in prison), or the repetitive use of my honey-flavored dick trick, I couldn’t say. Heck, maybe I simply had a bad case of halitosis and didn’t know it. Oops! There goes another one, So, it’s back to the dating game again.

Honestly, I did have my share of ladies and an abundant sex-life. But after getting physically messed-up during my military hitch—becoming partially disabled—I was obviously concerned about my prospects for a future love-life.

Like most young men I had, at least partially, bought into society’s lies. So, I was worried my sexual stamina might not fully recover as my body healed. Especially when considering that just below my diaphragm to just above my crotch I have enough scars to look like a freeway map of Los Angeles.

Convinced I needed an edge to remain competitive in the social arena I devoured books on sex. But, I added something most young men never consider, books on understanding women. Whether it was from the male perspective, female perspective, medical or psychological perspectives, I didn’t care; I read them all. That is, until I awoke one morning and realized I was thinking like a woman. But I had that exorcised right out of me, and my head didn’t spin around like Linda Blair’s.

In hindsight, I doubt I needed to invest the amount of time and effort that I did in learning about sex and women. However, the effort was clearly rewarded. But now we come to the million-dollar question: Did all the women, experience, and book knowledge make me a “Great Lover?”

Absolutely not.

Yes, much of it was enjoyable. But an equal amount was meaningless. And while there is a certain amount of male pride that develops when pleasuring women almost seems to come naturally—yep, the natural result of decades of sexual exploration and experience—you quickly come back to reality when you realize the vast majority of it has no bearing on whether you’re a “great lover” in the eyes of your present mate.

Now, I know a lot of you older guys who know the simple recipe for being a great lover are probably screaming, “Don’t give it away, dumbass! Let them find it the hard way like we did. It’ll be hilarious watching them continually fuck-up.”

I say, get over it. We’re suppose to be mentors to the next generation.

So, all you young guys listen up. Especially if you still think fucking only has one speed (jackhammer hard), if you think foreplay is a golf term, if you think sex should not last longer than a commercial break, or if your after-sex ritual is rolling over and going to sleep.

Here it is: the quality of lovemaking between you and your mate strictly relies on the level of love, respect, trust, and amount of communication your relationship is built on. It’s that simple!

The more you love, respect, and trust each other the deeper and more honest and open your communication will be. The better the communication the more intimately you will know her. And when you discover all her intimate desires and fantasies, and learn all her favorite body points, along with what triggers her lusts, fulfilling them on a regular basis will quickly elevate your sexual prowess in her eyes.

In other words, if you don’t want to learn all about your mate in order to fulfill her wants and needs, you will never be a great lover in her eyes.

The choice is up to you.

great lover 4

Never neglect the romance

Doms that don’t make time or put forth the effort to keep romance alive in their D/s relationships eventually rue the day they stopped.

I’ve been involved in D/s a long time. And I’ve noticed that both fledgling and experienced Doms can succumb to this neglectful and negative practice.

Fledgling Doms—of any age, not just the young—often go thru periods of Dom-frenzy. Their sex-life has never been better and they want to experience it all. After all, they simply have to demand it from their sub and she obeys. So, why waste time on romance?

The experienced Doms that eventually fall into the no romance trap usually do so because of stagnation: the exact opposite (or 180-degrees) of Dom-frenzy. Their relationships are stuck in a rut, going nowhere. Just the same old thing on a different day.

Any relationship can get dusty or rusty if it is not maintained. Remind your mate daily how much you love, cherish, and adore her. It doesn’t have to take a lot of time; but it’s time well spent. Yet, if you truly love her you will do even more.

Pursue her and woo her like you did when you first met. Show her she is worth winning over-and-over: as much now as she ever was.

Keep the romance alive. Maintain your solid foundation of love and your relationship can weather every storm or obstacle it comes across.