D/s maintenance

Any worthwhile relationship needs to be maintained, and D/s relationships are no exception. However, as long as I’ve been aware of the D/s lifestyles, and even during my psychological studies concerning D/s, along with personal experience, I’ve noticed a disturbing trend that complicates D/s relationships that can easily be fixed if more couples spent as much time maintaining their communication, trust, and intimacy levels (all intimacy not just physical) like they maintain the sub’s behavior through maintenance spanking or corrective punishment.

Do not misunderstand; there is nothing wrong with maintenance spanking or corrective punishment, and I am a firm believer in them within the D/s dynamic if both parties agree. Unfortunately, many couples seem to feel that maintaining the sub’s behavior is the only area that needs constant maintenance. And that is woefully inadequate.

Key factors of a successful relationship, D/s or otherwise, are as follows: a solid foundation of unconditional love, compatibility, open and honest communication, trust, respect, and intimacy. Yet many couples, especially those new to the D/s world and couples that haven’t been together very long, quickly get off-track by spending most of their time and effort worrying about the sub’s behavior and subsequent punishment or simply exploring all the variations of the kink. Thus, the relationships often take a backseat to the arousal and pleasure they find in the D/s lifestyle, until one day they realize the rest of their relationship is a mess.

I have never heard of a relationship breaking up over a lack of maintenance spanking or punishment. They fall apart over a breakdown in communication, lack of trust, incompatibility, disrespect, and a loss of intimacy that corrode and weaken the foundation of love to a point it can no longer sustain the relationship. That should tell you what areas of the relationship should be considered priorities for maintaining.

If you’re willing to devote a time every week to maintenance spankings or dole out punishment whenever a behavior infraction occurs, you should equally be willing to devote a time each week to communicate with each other as well as take action whenever an issue arises before it can become a full-blown problem. If you maintain trust, respect, and intimacy through constant communication you will prevent corrosion, cracks, and weakening in your solid foundation of love.

A love foundation

{The predominant perspective of this blog (ALPHA & kat) deals with loving and compatible couples that utilize the D/s lifestyle to enhance their relationships.}

 

Love:

Will friendship love suffice for a D/s lifestyle? How about brotherly/sisterly love? Absolutely not! In fact, nothing but true unconditional love should be the solid foundation to build a D/s lifestyle on. Anyone that thinks they can get away with building a successful D/s lifestyle with anything other than unconditional love is only fooling themselves, and they will eventually watch their foundation deteriorate over time.

It is true that friendship and compatibility are essential elements to the relationship foundation, along with open communication, as I have pointed out in earlier posts. But the power that holds it all together is unconditional love. Unconditional love creates the proper environment for complete trust, respect, and a level of communication that is unheard of in any other relationship. And each of the aforementioned elements are necessary ingredients in relationships that have a power exchange between the participants.

Distrust:

We all know couples with one or both partners claiming to love each other, and yet, their actions show something quite different. They cheat, lie, and make promises that they continually break…along with a variety of other distrustful actions.

Trust, however, is an essential ingredient in the D/s lifestyle. The power exchange will never develop to its full capacity and potential if the partners lack trust in each other. For instance, think of the sub’s perspective. Would you want to be bound, gagged, and about to be punished by someone you cannot trust completely? Would you feel safe putting yourself under the control of someone who has repeatedly broken promises in the past?

In other words, love without trust isn’t real love at all. And the same goes for disrespect.

Disrespect:

Similar to above, we all seem to know couples that claim to love each other, and yet, their actions and words show nothing but disrespect. One or both belittles the other, points out all their flaws, calls them derogatory names, and even humiliates them in public. Simply put, they have no concept of what true unconditional love is all about. Therefore, any D/s relationship built on such a precarious foundational trait will eventually see the foundation crumble.

Unconditional Love:

Unconditional love is nonjudgmental. It is trustworthy and respectful. It places the wants and needs of your mate above your own. In other words, it holds itself to the highest standards of human conduct. And in the D/s lifestyle, or any lifestyle that has a power exchange between partners, it is the only type of love that you should consider building your relationship foundation upon. Anything less will eventually deteriorate, crumble, and fall.

Love and Compatibility combats sub-drop in D/s relationships

{The predominant perspective of this blog (ALPHA & kat) deals with loving and compatible couples that utilize the D/s lifestyle to enhance their relationships.}

 

Anyone who has been in a D/s lifestyle for an extended length of time has heard the term “sub-drop.” It is an unfortunate consequence of too many wannabes and self-centered, immature, and irresponsible individuals testing the D/s lifestyle, often before gravitating to more extreme forms of BDSM.

What is sub-drop?

Sub-drop is a psychological occurrence that affects the submissive in a D/s partnership. It creates mental and emotional trauma that can range from brief moments of negative thoughts and emotions to long-term consequences that destroy the individual’s ability to trust and open up to others. Many subs that have naturally submissive personalities have even left the pursuit of a D/s lifestyle because they no longer felt comfortable or capable of giving the trust necessary to maintain a D/s relationship.

subdrop5

What causes sub-drop?

Primarily, it is the dominant partner’s fault. A Dom has the responsibility to keep the sub protected and safe at all times. And too many wannabes enter the D/s lifestyle without the proper level of maturity or required positive personal traits.

The sub turns over total control to the Dom in the necessary power exchange in D/s relationships. They trust the Dom to fulfill the wants and needs of their submissive personality, and to keep them protected and safe through it all. That protection and safety is not just physical, but also mental and emotional (as I pointed out in and earlier post called “D/s couples and safety“).

Immature dominant partners that lack many of the qualities necessary to make a good Dom inadvertently place the sub in harm’s way. These lacking traits include, but are not limited to, experience, responsibility, compassion, empathy, respect, love, and compatibility with the sub.

Subs give their complete trust to a Dom in the power exchange in D/s relationships. When they extend themselves emotionally by performing in complete obedience and submission, fulfilling every request of the Dom—often in lengthy sessions or throughout the entire day—they are mentally and emotionally vulnerable. While feeling satisfied with how they performed, even if exhausted and drained, they yearn for the rewards they have earned. And when the Dom fails to give the sub the earned praise, comfort, affection, and other rewards it creates a mental and emotional upheaval within the sub that sends them from an almost euphoric high to a depressive low: sub-drop.

Think of how awful it is for a sub (especially one that is new to the lifestyle) that has opened herself up completely to her Dom, pushed herself beyond her innermost fears and embarrassment in order to submit and obey completely, and feels a sense of accomplishment and pride in taking such a huge step in her personal life…only to have her exaltation crushed by a Dom who tells her that she was pitiful, treats her like shit, and leaves her alone to wallow in her misery.

Legitimate Doms

Dominant partners with the right personality, maturity, and experience know that they are responsible for the mental, emotional, and physical safety of their subs. They are supposed to make the sub feel loved, cherished, adored, along with protected and safe, at all times. And that goes double during times of punishment. Any Dom that exhibits anger toward their sub shows their immaturity and lack of experience. And a Dom that picks their sub apart with words has a personality flaw diametrically opposed to ever being a proper Dom. In fact, anyone without the aforementioned positive traits (compassion, empathy, respect, etc) should be passed over by any sub looking for a partner.

eros-13

Love and Compatibility

A Dom that exhibits the positive traits and shows constant affection toward his sub consequently prevents any mental or emotional plunge from occurring. In other words, love and compatibility between the D/s couple naturally combats sub-drop.

My loving sub, kat, has never heard me raise my voice in anger and has never heard me say a cross word to her. She knows she is loved unconditionally every second of every day. And we have a compatibility level that is uncanny, even surreal at times. So compatible, in fact, that we’ve become firm believers in relationships that are meant to be.

It is just another of many reasons kat and I continually encourage people to establish their loving and compatible relationship before they embark on the D/s lifestyle. Find your true mate, one who is compatible with you and loves you unconditionally, and you will never need to worry about sub-drop.

Sensory Overload

 

lips dance

along her supple curves

tongue skates

leisurely on soft skin

mountains to conquer

valleys to explore

her taste intoxicating

hypnotic

mi  amor

insatiable desire

building

nerve endings

aflame

breasts flushed

passionate hues

reaching pinnacle

arched back

involuntary

submission

brings fevered glow

to southern cheeks

stifled gasp

endearing moans

needy whimper

ever so needy

left alone

to wait

impatiently

civility abandoned

animalistic cravings

wanton

pure

unadulterated

need

pleading eyes

woeful cry

escapes pursed lips

till it is time

his member felt

parting

penetration

slick entry

no longer two

one

unity

filled

slowly builds

motions

rhythmic

intense

all-consuming

wail

clutching

imploding

pounding

exploding

sacred release

sensory overload

another death

and rebirth

with my love

eros-8

[My love for you consumes me, and I wouldn’t have it any other way, kat, my love.]

D/s couples and safety

 

Safety First:

We here at ALPHA & kat are predominantly concerned with loving couples that have chosen to try the D/s lifestyle after discovering they are already compatible in all other areas of their relationship, using it as a wonderful outlet to enhance the love and compatibility they already possess. We have found—through personal experience and contact with others—that the most satisfying D/s partnerships are those with couples that have already been together for awhile and have discovered that their personalities lean toward a D/s pairing naturally. And they enter the D/s lifestyle with the most important factor already intact: a solid foundation of love at the core of their relationship.

A solid foundation of love should always be present when deciding to enter any type of lifestyle that requires so much trust with a power exchange between the Dominant and submissive. With love as the foundation both partners realize and are concerned for the obvious physical safety issues. Unfortunately, many couples forget that physical safety is not the only concern; mental and emotional safety is just as important, and can have major repercussions to individuals, as well as the relationship.

Physical Safety:

Anyone with common sense and average intelligence, or above, can easily figure out most of the basic physical safety issues to consider, such as, but not limited to, the following:

The physical age, shape, and overall health or condition of both participants needs to be considered, and adjustments made if needed.

Like all sexual activities, with partners coming in contact with bodily fluids and every orifice, cleanliness is a primary concern: making sure bodies, sex toys and other relative accouterments are sanitary.

Always educate yourself on the proper use of any adult paraphernalia prior to using it on yourself or your D/s partner, and always begin slowly to insure the object can be tolerated before increasing levels of play (whether for penetration, binding, or punishment).

Mental/Emotional Safety:

This is a major concern for the Dominant partner, because it is their responsibility to take every factor into consideration so that they fulfill their equal responsibility of protecting their sub, instilling total trust, and helping them feel safe at all times. And that protection and safety does not just refer to the physical. Mental and emotional pain and trauma may occur if the partners do not maintain complete and open communication in their relationship. Subs that have hurts and betrayals from past relationships can often have trust issues that need to be dealt with in a very patient, understanding, and loving manner. They often experience undue stress when certain stress-related triggers are activated in present situations as a result of the past hurts. And the Dom should NEVER take them lightly. A sub can endure mental and emotional anguish and trauma at the hands of a Dom that does not consider these areas and deal with them properly.

The power exchange between a Dom and sub should always be based on love and respect. The sub willingly submits and obeys out of their love for the Dom, and the Dom equally controls and fulfills the wants and needs of the sub out of love. Therefore, a Dom that has to force a sub is nothing but a wannabe who gets off on a power fetish (and might as well go to S&M where they would fit in better). A true Dom in the D/s lifestyle loves and respects their sub, and is always concerned for their safety in all areas. And it is imperative for both Dom and sub to be completely open with each other so that all possible issues can be dealt with prior to any problems arising.

Grounded in a background of psychology and years of experience in the D/s lifestyle, kat and I continually urge couples to be sure of their love and compatibility with each other before getting into this lifestyle. Trust, respect, and open communication found in loving and compatible relationships are essential in lifestyles like this where a power exchange takes place. 

bound6

Safe Words:

Most people have heard of the practice of using safe words in any activity where pain or discomfort may go beyond the comfort or tolerance levels. And this is especially true in D/s couplings that participate in B&D at any level (but even more so with the use of gags).

Remember a few basic rules when choosing your safe word: select only one safe word to be used throughout your life together (so you don’t run into the problem of asking yourself which one is it today at the time of crisis); make sure it is a word that both partners can easily remember; and make sure it is a word far-removed from all D/s and sexual activity so that it will quickly draw attention when spoken (such as Hopscotch, pickles, or puppies).

Gag Safety:

For any couple using gags, safe-wording should be done in a different fashion, for obvious reasons: the mouth is obstructed. There are couples that still try to use mumbled words, or even complex methods like eye-blinking Morse code (often S.O.S); but the simplest and clearest methods are always better. After all, choking can happen quickly in certain situations and you want to respond as quickly as possible to alleviate discomfort or possible harm.  Three common methods that work good are as follows:

Place a noisy object in the sub’s hand to be shaken, dropped, squeezed, or tossed (for instance a bell, jingle bells, or a squeaky toy).

Have the sub snap their fingers rapidly: works best with both hands, but one is still good for those people that cannot snap with both hands.

The sub can also “tap out” with the same move you see martial artists and wrestlers use when pinned on the mat.

[Depending upon which method you choose, be sure to consider it when putting the sub into position, because certain positions will stop safe-methods from being effective; for instance, it’s hard to tap out if they have their arms bound behind them while lying on their backs.]

Open Communication:

Compatible couples with unconditional love do well in D/s because they already have a strong belief in open communication. Open communication is not an option in any lifestyle requiring so much trust and a power exchange between the partners. And as long as the couple remembers how important communication is then their journey in the D/s lifestyle will be safe and will enhance their loving relationship with increased closeness, trust, and many pleasurable rewards.