Bad Girl

Every Daddy needs his own special girl, just as every good girl needs her Daddy—even if you happen to be The Joker and Harley Quinn. Just goes to show, there’s someone for everyone…

Video here

“Bad Girl” by Avril Lavigne
(feat. Marilyn Manson)

Just lay your head in daddy’s lap, you’re a bad girl

Bad girl (1-2-3-4)

Hey, hey
I’ll let you walk all over me, me
You know that I’m a little tease, tease
But I want it pretty please, please

You know you know you know I’m crazy
I just wanna be your baby
You can fuck me, you can play me
You can love and you can hate me

Miss me, miss me, now you wanna kiss me

Choke me because I said so
Stroke me and feed my ego
I’ve been a bad girl, don’t you know?
(Don’t tell me what to do)
Come get it now or never
I’ll let you do whatever
I’ll be your bad girl, here we go
(1-2-3-4)

Miss me, miss me, now you wanna kiss me

(You’re a bad girl)

Baby
You know I want a little taste, taste
So let me take you all the way, way
You know you’ll never be the same, same

(You fuckin’ bad girl!)

One night
You won’t forget the rest of your life
So come on over to the wild side
Buckle up and, baby, hold on tight

Miss me, miss me, now you wanna kiss me
We both know that you love me ’cause I’m so bad

Choke me because I said so
Stroke me and feed my ego
I’ve been a bad girl, don’t you know?
(Don’t tell me what to do)
Come get it now or never
I’ll let you do whatever
I’ll be your bad girl, here we go
(1-2-3-4)

I’ve been a bad girl
I’ve been a bad girl
I’ll been a bad girl
I’ll been a bad girl
I’ve been a bad girl
I’ve been a bad girl
I’ll been a bad girl
I’m such a bad girl

Choke me because I said so
Stroke me and feed my ego
I’ve been a bad girl, don’t you know?
(Don’t tell me what to do)
Come get it now or never
I’ll let you do whatever
I’ll be your bad girl, here we go
(1-2-3-4)

Bad bad bad girl

Trust

I’ve never been a trusting sort, especially when it comes to men. Too many times I’ve been hurt by the very ones who should have, above all others, protected me. Too many times I’ve had men who were in supposedly committed relationships hit on me. So sadly, by the time Alpha came into my life, I was pretty well soured on the opposite sex, and had no intention of investing in a relationship again. I swore to myself: never, ever, ever!

And then I met Alpha, and we became friends. And honest to God, in the beginning that’s all I thought we’d ever be. But quickly, friendship blossomed into love.

But I didn’t fully commit. I didn’t trust.

Circumstances forced us to be apart so often early in our relationship, that we got to know each other mainly through emails and phone calls. And it was during one of those long, nightly calls that Alpha told me he was an alpha male, and in subsequent ones that he desired a D/s relationship with me. I thought, er…okay…I guess…

We didn’t rush right into it. It was a gradual process of getting to know each other even better, of Alpha encouraging me to tell him my past, my thoughts, my fears, my hopes, my dreams, my fantasies. And he told me his. In all this talking (and writing), we found out how compatible we were, from basic core beliefs, to what we wanted in life, to what turned us on.

I didn’t realize at the time—though I’m sure Alpha knew—that opening ourselves up to one another as we had is a key part of D/s. That being able to share your bad side (sharing the good is easy), all those pathetic, ugly, uncharitable thoughts and feelings you keep locked away for fear you won’t be loved if you are honest, is one of the greatest gifts one person can give another. They know the very worst of you and still love you. You can let your guard down; you can trust.

And that carries over into sex. You don’t have to have a killer body because your body is loved just as it is. Just. As. It. Is. Because it houses you. The you that D/s requires you to share. You can trust.

And to me, that is the crux of D/s: trust. Trusting the other person to do their best, day after day, to put you above all others, to do what is best for you, to not hurt you, to be your defender and champion in a world that seems hell bent on crushing you. To love you unconditionally. And to give you lots of cuddles, spankings and amazing sex.

I have never been known by anyone as Alpha knows me. I have never trusted anyone as I do Alpha. He makes me feel worthy.

On my own, I would never have considered a D/s relationship; in fact, until I met Alpha, I had never heard of it, just BDSM (and wasn’t into it). But now that I’ve experienced D/s and the closeness it fosters, I can’t imagine Alpha’s and my relationship any other way. Past vanilla relationships pale in comparison. And who in their right mind would ever want to go back after experiencing a bond that unites you in mind, body, and soul? Not me!

Make-Up Sex: Does it live up to the hype?

[Allow me to stress, as I often do, that this blog is primarily targeting loving couples in a 24/7 D/s relationship.]

 

Contrary to Hollywood’s scripted outcomes, the testosterone testimonies and campus confessions of coeds-gone-wild, and lackadaisical writers filling space or spitting out sound-bytes, make-up sex isn’t the perfect cure-all for all relationship problems. But far too often couples still buy into the hype.

Grandiose claims are everywhere, like Lauren Martin’s article entitled, “Why make-up sex is the best part of every relationship.”

Martin claims “fighting is just a precursor to sex,” that “fighting is no longer cold…but so, so hot” in the “realm of love.” She further claims, “We’d be lying if we said that most of us haven’t picked a fight for that special reconciliation that comes right after it.”

If true, what does that say about human relationships, or the species in general? Yet, there are those who obviously accept such superficiality.

In a Men’s Fitness article by Amber Madison, entitled, “The guy’s guide to make-up sex,” she gives a four-point plan on how to zip through the fight with one goal in mind—to get to the sex quicker!

Well, it’s nice to know they have their priorities straight. Though I imagine these same deep thinkers probably wonder why their relationships fall apart, and why there’s a fifty-percent divorce rate.

Sex is a weak foundation
I have never seen or heard of a successful life-long relationship built solely on a foundation of sex.

Sure, sex can be passionate, exciting, playful, kinky, and many other things; but no sex, no matter how good, can sustain a relationship alone.

Even if you could engage in sex two hours a day, every day, that is still only one-twelfth the time you and your mate are together. And what happens when it becomes less and less time having sex? Or, when adjustments have to be made, along with times with no sex, because of illness, injury, or age

Where does that leave people like Martin, who claim make-up sex is the best part of every relationship?

Stronger foundation
Loving relationships should be built on much stronger foundations. They need to be built on a solid foundation of unconditional love, and fortified with compatibility, constant communication, honesty, trust, and mutual respect. Sex, especially in D/s relationships, should be used to enhance the loving relationship that is solidly grounded and fortified.

Make-up sex is no cure-all
There are situations where make-up sex seems to shine, but that still does not make it a positive.

In an article entitled, “5 Things No One Tells You About Make-Up Sex,” by Elizabeth Enochs, she claims make-up sex can be “superhot,” but only if arguing over something “stupid and trivial,” like whose turn it is to take out the trash. She goes on to say, “…in my limited experience, relying too much on make-up sex to smooth things over with your partner is both unhealthy and unsatisfying in the long-run.” And she further contends that if sex is used “to avoid talking about problems, or you frequently replace apologizing for inappropriate behavior with post-fight sex sessions,” it will almost always disappoint you, as well as damage your relationship.

Martin acknowledges the negatives, but takes a cavalier attitude. She says, “Of course, make-up sex can many times just be a diversion from the real problem. Instead of talking, couples are taking to the sheets and the problems aren’t getting resolved. But who cares?” (emphasis added)

Well, obviously she doesn’t care. And how many other relationships fall into disrepair because of such foolish beliefs?

In a Psychology Today article, Seth Meyers (Psy.D), states, “In general, make-up sex is bad news because it reinforces fighting and emotional drama.” However, he does stipulate that, “In a healthy relationship, two people can come together after a disagreement and share physical intimacy because they feel close.” But he goes on to say, “the search for greater intimacy and trust isn’t what motivates most make-up sex.” He claims, “most make-up sex results from having felt and expressed extreme negative emotions during a heated argument, without any true resolution afterward.” The individuals “hunger to switch gears and jump to the opposite end of the spectrum—to feel the high that comes with making up.” And for emphasis, he contends, “Honestly, it’s not that different from an addict who needs a hit of cocaine.”

Unfortunately, for relationships, it can be just as destructive as a drug addiction.

Testimonies
KG: It started slow, but picked up steam quickly. We were like sparring partners, bantering with words until someone said something bad enough to begin the fight. Boom! It was on. But then I didn’t care. I’d let her think she’d won just to fucking get it on.
(KG’s relationship was over just shy of a year.)

BP: We both had fiery tempers. We fought a lot. It made for great sex. Passionate, ya’ know. But nothing ever got settled. So, we split.

SY: Every weekend like clockwork, he’d drink then pick a fight. It was a game, a damn game. I knew because he never ever wanted to seriously discuss anything. Then he used that ‘never go to sleep angry’ line to push for make-up sex. And he wouldn’t stop till he got it, no matter how long it took. So, I gave it up just to shut him up—but I hated every minute of it. And soon hated him just as bad.

False intimacy
The intensity some people feel during make-up sex is often misconstrued as loving intimacy. Sadly, it is not.

Meyers states, “During make-up sex, couples often express extreme positive emotions, and they reach a momentary state of bliss. They declare grand statements of love and feel, in that moment… they belong together.”

Meyers rightfully contends that is not real intimacy. “Intimacy is about mutual love and balance, while drama is about extremes and fantasies.”

Allow me to state once more, make-up sex is no cure-all, and it’s not real intimacy. In fact, it is usually after couples have experienced the passionate sexual release that they go the other way: they feel sad, depressed, and even lonely when all the unresolved issues come crashing back into their minds, along with the old feelings.

Too many negatives
In my research, observation, and experience, I’ve come to the conclusion that make-up sex has too many negatives in the long-run.

For the most part, it fails to resolve the issues argued about, and it will not make you forget the issues when they come crashing back after the sexual stimulation settles.

The actual sex act rarely lives up to the hype; and even when it does, the unresolved issues bring disappointment and frustration. And when make-up sex sucks it compounds the issues even more.

Likewise, too many couples think make-up sex is an appropriate substitute for apologies and communication. They are wrong on both counts. Such beliefs and actions teardown respect and trust.

Similarly, the couples that succumb to the addictive qualities of make-up sex, discussed by Meyers, develop an unhealthy habit that eventually takes its toll on the relationship.

In my opinion, and the preponderance of evidence seems to back it up, the only time make-up sex shows any value is following trivial arguments (like whose turn it is to walk the dog), or when the argument topic is actually a lack of sex.

Last word
If you build your relationship on a solid foundation of unconditional love, and fortify it with compatibility, constant communication, honesty, trust, respect, etc., you will be able to deal with problematic issues appropriately. Such a foundation also allows for a vibrant sex life that can be passionate, playful, exploratory, completely satisfying—lacking nothing. You will not need to be tempted with the myth-factor of make-up sex which, in the long-run, does more harm than good. In fact, loving couples that communicate well, and resolve issues quickly have better sex lives (quantity and quality) then couples that argue a lot with many unresolved issues. And they spare each other the hurt feelings.

Hopefully, you’ll make your choice based on your heart and mind, and not on your libido.

Yin and Yang

I am negative to His positive

…dark to His bright

He is logical to my emotional

…day to my night

I am soft to His hard

…round to His linear

He is hunter to my prey

…king to my courtier

I am river to His highway

…valley to His mountain

He is solid to my fluid

…thirsty soil to my fountain

I am dream to His reality

…heart to His soul

He is Dom to my sub

…together we are whole

D/s maintenance

Any worthwhile relationship needs to be maintained, and D/s relationships are no exception. However, as long as I’ve been aware of the D/s lifestyles, and even during my psychological studies concerning D/s, along with personal experience, I’ve noticed a disturbing trend that complicates D/s relationships that can easily be fixed if more couples spent as much time maintaining their communication, trust, and intimacy levels (all intimacy not just physical) like they maintain the sub’s behavior through maintenance spanking or corrective punishment.

Do not misunderstand; there is nothing wrong with maintenance spanking or corrective punishment, and I am a firm believer in them within the D/s dynamic if both parties agree. Unfortunately, many couples seem to feel that maintaining the sub’s behavior is the only area that needs constant maintenance. And that is woefully inadequate.

Key factors of a successful relationship, D/s or otherwise, are as follows: a solid foundation of unconditional love, compatibility, open and honest communication, trust, respect, and intimacy. Yet many couples, especially those new to the D/s world and couples that haven’t been together very long, quickly get off-track by spending most of their time and effort worrying about the sub’s behavior and subsequent punishment or simply exploring all the variations of the kink. Thus, the relationships often take a backseat to the arousal and pleasure they find in the D/s lifestyle, until one day they realize the rest of their relationship is a mess.

I have never heard of a relationship breaking up over a lack of maintenance spanking or punishment. They fall apart over a breakdown in communication, lack of trust, incompatibility, disrespect, and a loss of intimacy that corrode and weaken the foundation of love to a point it can no longer sustain the relationship. That should tell you what areas of the relationship should be considered priorities for maintaining.

If you’re willing to devote a time every week to maintenance spankings or dole out punishment whenever a behavior infraction occurs, you should equally be willing to devote a time each week to communicate with each other as well as take action whenever an issue arises before it can become a full-blown problem. If you maintain trust, respect, and intimacy through constant communication you will prevent corrosion, cracks, and weakening in your solid foundation of love.