A Man’s Word: Consistency and Respect

Although what I have to say can benefit all, I am primarily speaking to Doms.

There is something good to be said about traditional values when it comes to relationships, yes, even with D/s relationships. And while I have constantly mentioned a strong foundation of love, communication, and trust (among others), I would like to stress a couple more that I see lacking so much in modern-day relationships: consistency and respect.

Integrity

I come from a line of very proud men, men of their word, and men of integrity.

My maternal grandfather was Native American. He endured a lifetime of cruelty and disadvantages because of a corrupt system, and was eventually sent off the reservation during the so-called “New Deal” in the system’s attempt to make him a non-Indian. But no matter what the system did it could not break his spirit. He was a man of his word, a man of integrity, and he eventually overcame all obstacles laid in his path. He became successful on his terms, not theirs. And he never had to sacrifice his word, integrity, or honor.

My paternal grandfather was the son of a soldier. His father was a hero who gave his life defending his country during World War II. And when his widowed mother ran away with every man that would show her a good time, my grandfather (as the eldest child) had to take care of his five siblings in war torn England. It was a responsibility he took very seriously. And he passed it on to my father, who taught me.

I was taught that my word is my bond, a bond far superior to ink on a piece of paper (which lawyers continually find ways around). And I was taught my actions solidified that bond. And a man is not a man if he breaks his word, shames his honor, or loses his integrity.

Past Relationships

Though I am specifically dealing with males in this post, the continued loss of honor and integrity in our society in each successive generation takes its toll in all areas, including relationships.

My life-mate and sub, kat, is the most special person in my life. She is more compatible to me than anyone I’ve ever known. Our communication level is about as flawless as two imperfect beings can be. And I love her unconditionally. But that does not imply that we have not had bumps in the road to overcome. And the predominant reason has nothing to do with how I have treated her, but how she has been treated by other males before I came into her life.

The mistreatment by males from her past has kat constantly questioning my motives, even though she’ll be the first to admit I’ve never given her cause to question me. She knows that when I make a promise I keep it. She knows that when I say something I back it up with my actions. And she knows that honor and integrity are extremely important to me, because that’s how I was raised by male role models I loved and respected.

Unfortunately, what has happened to kat by males in her past is a common occurrence with many women. Males breaking promises, not true to their word, and saying anything just to get what they want. There are too many males that disrespect their women in numerous ways. Too many males that speak of pride, but it’s a false pride, for they lack integrity, and have no honor.

Is it any wonder that many women have trust issues? And yes, I know that many men can say the same thing for the present day lack of integrity in females. But it is our responsibility, as Doms, to fulfill the wants and needs of our subs while keeping them protected and safe. So it is imperative that we gain their trust or they will never truly feel protected and safe. And without feeling protected and safe, they will never truly open up and give all of themselves to us and the relationship. And that’s what the D/s dynamic is all about, allowing both Doms and subs to open up and freely be who they are.

Inconsistent and Disrespectful

One of the quickest ways to spot doms that are novices, wannabes, or posers is to see their inconsistency and disrespect toward their subs. And you see this far more with those drawn to the public outlets and play sessions than for those that make it their lifestyle (for obvious reasons).

Consistent and Respectful

Mature and experienced Doms understand their responsibilities as the dominant partner, and take those responsibilities seriously. They know that consistency is a critical factor in building trust with their sub. They will go out of their way to make sure their actions mirror their words. And if they do not feel they can fulfill a promise, or cannot honestly guarantee that they can fulfill a promise, they will not make the promise. In those situations, they may simply promise to do the best that they can—which subs should also do when led into an area that’s new to them (like kat does when I introduce her to a new area within the D/s world, since this is her first D/s relationship).

Mature and experienced Doms likewise show respect to and for their subs at all times; and that includes relationships where subs yearn for, and agree to, humiliation during sessions (because it is the Dom’s responsibility to fulfill the sub’s wants and needs). Subs are always to be treated with respect within the agreed upon parameters.

For those, like kat and I, who do not pretend or merely participate in the play sessions, but include the D/s dynamic within our lifestyle, respect is crucial. She is not merely a play thing brought out for sessions; she is my soul-mate, my partner, my best friend, my confidante, my muse, and so much more. And she has grown to trust me because she has continually seen my actions mirror my words, my promises (big or small) are always kept, and I respect her at all times in all areas.

Last word

Traditional values often receive a bad rap in a progressive society. But when it comes to honor, integrity, and being true to your word, men with traditional values outshine the alternatives hands-down. They treat women with respect and take their responsibilities seriously. And if you want to be a proper Dom always be consistent with your word and respectful to your sub. It will earn the trust that’s needed for a good D/s relationship to succeed.

D/s maintenance

Any worthwhile relationship needs to be maintained, and D/s relationships are no exception. However, as long as I’ve been aware of the D/s lifestyles, and even during my psychological studies concerning D/s, along with personal experience, I’ve noticed a disturbing trend that complicates D/s relationships that can easily be fixed if more couples spent as much time maintaining their communication, trust, and intimacy levels (all intimacy not just physical) like they maintain the sub’s behavior through maintenance spanking or corrective punishment.

Do not misunderstand; there is nothing wrong with maintenance spanking or corrective punishment, and I am a firm believer in them within the D/s dynamic if both parties agree. Unfortunately, many couples seem to feel that maintaining the sub’s behavior is the only area that needs constant maintenance. And that is woefully inadequate.

Key factors of a successful relationship, D/s or otherwise, are as follows: a solid foundation of unconditional love, compatibility, open and honest communication, trust, respect, and intimacy. Yet many couples, especially those new to the D/s world and couples that haven’t been together very long, quickly get off-track by spending most of their time and effort worrying about the sub’s behavior and subsequent punishment or simply exploring all the variations of the kink. Thus, the relationships often take a backseat to the arousal and pleasure they find in the D/s lifestyle, until one day they realize the rest of their relationship is a mess.

I have never heard of a relationship breaking up over a lack of maintenance spanking or punishment. They fall apart over a breakdown in communication, lack of trust, incompatibility, disrespect, and a loss of intimacy that corrode and weaken the foundation of love to a point it can no longer sustain the relationship. That should tell you what areas of the relationship should be considered priorities for maintaining.

If you’re willing to devote a time every week to maintenance spankings or dole out punishment whenever a behavior infraction occurs, you should equally be willing to devote a time each week to communicate with each other as well as take action whenever an issue arises before it can become a full-blown problem. If you maintain trust, respect, and intimacy through constant communication you will prevent corrosion, cracks, and weakening in your solid foundation of love.

A Dom’s sub word summary

Allow me to make one thing perfectly clear, there is nothing sub-standard about my sub.

There is no subjugation, no force of arms; she is strong-willed, intelligent, and willingly submits to me (and no other) out of love.

What we have is truly sublime from the sub-atomic level to the stratosphere of orgasmic bliss.

When I subdue her it is to fulfill her wants and needs, subjecting her to the pleasure, pain, and control she craves.

Her submission to my dominance relinquishes her responsibility into my hands to keep her protected and safe; her subservience fulfills her personality’s need to be supportive, and her subordination gives her the power of freedom to accept and enjoy her heart’s desires.

She is the sole object of my affection, and the subject of my thoughts—conscious and sub-conscious—the substance of my dreams, and I subsist and am nourished by her unconditional love for me.

For those who subscribe to the intellectually subterranean view, and wish to subvert our D/s lifestyle, or attempt to subdivide our Dominant-submissive partnership for societal substitutes, I will gladly submarine you with extreme prejudice—quite possibly with a sub-cranial wound—and permanently subtract you from every equation to do with our lives.

And I will subsequently submerge between my submissive’s thighs for a little D/s reward.

DsSummary5

Communication

Communication:

Being able to communicate well plays a major role in any successful relationship, and it is crucial in D/s relationships where there is a power exchange between partners. And do not make the mistake of thinking that the importance of communication is less important to either partner. It is true that the Dom has the responsibility to lead, and being able to communicate well with the sub alleviates the possibility of mistakes and misunderstandings that can easily sabotage the best laid plans, no matter how honorable the intentions. It is also the Dom’s responsibility to fulfill the wants and needs of the sub, while keeping them protected and safe physically, mentally, and emotionally. But the Dom can only fulfill his responsibilities when the sub openly communicates.

Every individual is different. The likes and dislikes will never be precisely the same, nor will the physical tolerances regarding pain and pleasure. This makes communication imperative in these areas. And while many D/s couples strive to do this concerning the physical, they fail to put the same importance on the mental and emotional make-up of the sub. A mistake that many couples make that inevitably creates situations where the sub often experiences traumatic triggers over unspoken past issues in their lives. Or, when the Dom fails to communicate approval and administer the necessary rewards after the sub fulfills a difficult task or endures a lengthy and stressful session, they succumb to what is commonly referred to as sub-drop (discussed in an earlier post): where the sub reaches an emotional, almost euphoric high, only to crash to a depressive low. And it is sad when any of these negatives occur, because they can all be prevented with proper communication between the partners. Continue reading “Communication”

A love foundation

{The predominant perspective of this blog (ALPHA & kat) deals with loving and compatible couples that utilize the D/s lifestyle to enhance their relationships.}

 

Love:

Will friendship love suffice for a D/s lifestyle? How about brotherly/sisterly love? Absolutely not! In fact, nothing but true unconditional love should be the solid foundation to build a D/s lifestyle on. Anyone that thinks they can get away with building a successful D/s lifestyle with anything other than unconditional love is only fooling themselves, and they will eventually watch their foundation deteriorate over time.

It is true that friendship and compatibility are essential elements to the relationship foundation, along with open communication, as I have pointed out in earlier posts. But the power that holds it all together is unconditional love. Unconditional love creates the proper environment for complete trust, respect, and a level of communication that is unheard of in any other relationship. And each of the aforementioned elements are necessary ingredients in relationships that have a power exchange between the participants.

Distrust:

We all know couples with one or both partners claiming to love each other, and yet, their actions show something quite different. They cheat, lie, and make promises that they continually break…along with a variety of other distrustful actions.

Trust, however, is an essential ingredient in the D/s lifestyle. The power exchange will never develop to its full capacity and potential if the partners lack trust in each other. For instance, think of the sub’s perspective. Would you want to be bound, gagged, and about to be punished by someone you cannot trust completely? Would you feel safe putting yourself under the control of someone who has repeatedly broken promises in the past?

In other words, love without trust isn’t real love at all. And the same goes for disrespect.

Disrespect:

Similar to above, we all seem to know couples that claim to love each other, and yet, their actions and words show nothing but disrespect. One or both belittles the other, points out all their flaws, calls them derogatory names, and even humiliates them in public. Simply put, they have no concept of what true unconditional love is all about. Therefore, any D/s relationship built on such a precarious foundational trait will eventually see the foundation crumble.

Unconditional Love:

Unconditional love is nonjudgmental. It is trustworthy and respectful. It places the wants and needs of your mate above your own. In other words, it holds itself to the highest standards of human conduct. And in the D/s lifestyle, or any lifestyle that has a power exchange between partners, it is the only type of love that you should consider building your relationship foundation upon. Anything less will eventually deteriorate, crumble, and fall.