Some Thoughts on D/s…

For a D/s relationship to survive long term, couples need a solid foundation of vanilla (yes, I did write vanilla) love; it will carry them through the hard times all couples experience. For D/s isn’t constant and unchanging, it ebbs and flows in the way of all relationships. Stronger one day, weaker the next.

So many factors play into how intense the D/s dynamic is day to day: physical health, depression, work, family, separation, to name just a few, can take their toll. In other words, life gets in the way. And if we demand our Dom/Domme or sub to always, no matter what, fulfill their agreed-upon roll, it can harm the basic underpinnings of the relationship. Wants and needs of both can fluctuate, and the dynamic has to be adjusted accordingly.

Sometimes, amping up the D/s gets you through; but at other times, taking off the pressure by stepping back is the way to go. Each situation is different, and must be handled using your best judgement. There can even be times when extreme circumstances cause the relationship to have a distinct vanilla flavor, but that’s okay. It will not last. Not if the relationship was first built on unconditional love. (And not just lip service claiming unconditional love.)

Unconditional love accepts who you are, including the person you were before D/s. It says, “I love you, and will accept and stick by you irregardless of D/s.” It says, “If all we have from this point forward is vanilla, I am still here, will always be here.” That tells your partner you are safe with them, that you never have to pretend to be something you are not; love and commitment should not be contingent on playing a certain role.

When each person is given the freedom to just be who they are (or need to be) at any given time, without fear of consequences, they feel validated, and it enables them to meet in the middle and get the relationship, whether D/s or vanilla, back on track. Sometimes the track veers off in a slightly different direction afterward, but that’s okay. Nothing that grows stays static…it’s always in a constant state of change.

Most couples implement the D/s dynamic because one—only one—desires it. And though the one who is led to it may not need it, they recognize the other’s need, and out of love, agree. And here’s the slippery slope: if the one wanting D/s cannot compromise, if to them it’s all or nothing (the me-me-me mentality), their love is not unconditional, and the relationship will eventually fall apart. Unconditional love sees what the other needs. Unconditional love is not selfish. And unconditional love compromises.

Compromises—so much of our relationships are built upon them. Give me this, I’ll give you that. I’ll take this, you take that. And we can’t resent our partner if they aren’t playing the game exactly like we want them to. After all, are we playing exactly like they would like us to? Think about it…look at it from their side. And then meet in the middle.

D/s: Pegging (one Dom’s perspective)

Pegging has various uses and definitions in the D/s community. The primary definitions are as follows:

Peg punishment (also called “sitting on a peg”): the use of a butt plug, dildo, etc., as a punishment—sometimes with humiliation and/or masturbation or edging added.

Pegging preparation: the use of a butt plug, dildo, etc., to arouse and prepare for anal play (butt-fucking, fisting, etc.).

Strap-on pegging: the act of using a strap-on dildo/vibrator for penetration (predominantly referring to female-to-male anal penetration).

Sitting on a peg
Many Doms—especially those in DD/lg and M/s relationships—use some form of pegging punishment. It is often seen in the form of a stool or bench, or a combination thereof that the sub is made to sit on for a specified time period.

Humiliation is often added to lesser or greater degrees; like when a sub is stuck in the corner facing the wall (lesser degree) or placed in the center of the room to be gawked at (greater degree) by Dom and/or others if at a public forum, like a dungeon. The latter is seen more with M/s pairings. And the addition of masturbation or edging creates another level of humiliation for punishment.

Pegging preparation
Doms in most types of D/s relationships have used, or continue to use butt-plugs, dildoes, and other adult toys as preparation with subs for anal play (butt-fucking, fisting, etc.). The type and time of preparation for each sub can vary greatly. Some use it only as part of the foreplay just prior to the anal play, while others may be plugged all day.

Every D/s relationship is different, and every sub has a different tolerance level for the methods used to prepare them. Do what works best for you and your sub.

Strap-on pegging
Most people in the D/s community equate this type of pegging with Fem-Doms/Dommes, since it is a standard practice of many F/m relationships—although it’s not in all F/m pairings, since there are many male subs that consider anal penetration a hard limit.

There are, however, more Doms using this form of pegging in their relationships. The numbers continue to grow as more Doms are educated to the benefits of cock-milking, the male G-spot, or p-gasm.

Do Dom and sub switch?
If a Dom wants to personally enjoy the pleasures of anal play: cock-milking, male G-spot, etc., does he and his sub have to switch (temporarily change their dynamic)? Absolutely not!

I’ve discussed this principle in other posts. Just because the Dom opts to be in a bottom position physically does not change the mental and emotional dynamic.

However, due to the nature of this particular act more care may be needed within the Dom and sub exchange to ensure the sub does not start to top from the bottom. It is always beneficial for the Dom to reaffirm dominance before and after this type of personal pegging. It is also a good idea for the Dom to keep some form of physical control of his sub during the pegging. For instance, have a leash or chain attached to the sub’s collar and gripped by the Dom. The Dom may even choose to blindfold the sub so that everything is done by the sub feeling their way while following the Dom’s commands and directions.

One Dom I know of makes their sub don a mask with a penis gag before allowing her to peg him. Another Dom fills his sub’s pussy and ass with remote controlled vibrators before she’s allowed to peg him. But you really don’t need all that if the Dom and sub simply have good communication skills, a strong love and respect for each other, and a commitment to their D/s dynamic.

Last word
With a little creativity and imagination pegging can be a welcomed addition in any D/s relationship. Work it out between you and keep safety in mind.
For any straight males that think thoughts or desires to have anal play or penetration shows homosexual tendencies, that’s absurd. You need to read my article “D/s and the Male G-spot”, along with other articles on the prostate, cock-milking, and the p-gasm (including medical articles).

 

 

Have a good day.

Alpha & kat’s D/s Code:

There is self-discovery through pleasure and pain for those willing, and with the courage, to take the journey.

Relationship bonds strengthen through shared vulnerabilities.

Unconditional love, respect, and total acceptance of your mate earns the trust necessary for Dom and sub to freely be themselves without the need for masks of any kind.

Constant communication, honest and heartfelt, binds the elements of the D/s dynamic and transforms Dom and sub into a cohesive pair: a symbiotic relationship with each reciprocating positive-for-positive.