Is D/s my real life?

I noticed that several blogs have been pondering the question “Is D/s my real life?” Five simple words, but the more I thought about it the more it intrigued me. And yet, the more convoluted it also became, for I realized it could go in various directions depending upon what perspective I chose.

For instance, I was brought into the D/s world as a teenager. And those who read the posts where I explained how that occurred might recall that it was a long-term negative experience. So, one might pose the question, how could it be my real life if I was manipulated into it by an authority figure over twice my age?

On the other hand, I am a natural Alpha male. So, even in my off-and-on periods of vanilla life I was the rugged individualist that was always in traditional male-led relationships.

Hell, even as a teenager, the Alpha in me couldn’t be completely suppressed. I eventually turned my manipulator’s tricks against her: controlling her for the last half of the relationship, before severing ties with her to go into the military.

My first marriage was not D/s oriented, but my second was. And during the long period between the two, when playing the field, there were far more so-called vanilla relationships than D/s. And yet, D/s clearly held the stronger sexual attraction if you go by labeled definitions.

Does that stronger sexual attraction prove D/s is my “real” life? Not really. As a natural Alpha I enjoyed the same sexual pleasures—with few exceptions—in my vanilla relationships that I presently enjoy in my D/s relationship.

Vanilla girls that were attracted to me as a “bad boy” when I was younger, or to my rugged individualism when I was older, allowed me to push their sexual boundaries with little resistance.

If that’s true, why do I choose to live in a 24/7 D/s relationship? And doesn’t being in a 24/7 D/s relationship prove D/s is my “real” life? — Not necessarily.

What I realized when trying to answer this question is that saying yes or no is purely built on social constructs. If I’m the same natural Alpha in my vanilla existence that I am in my D/s existence, then how can one be more “real” than the other?

It can’t be.

The truth is that I am the same person in both vanilla and D/s worlds. The difference is not me, because I’m the same person whether I’m actively in one or the other.

The difference is how I am perceived by those caught-up in the social constructs of the vanilla and D/s worlds. In other words, society’s long-standing need to label everything and everyone for quick and easy reference.

Then why choose one or the other if both lifestyles are social constructs? Because humans predominantly make that choice based on either familiarity (how they were raised), or where they feel more accepted and allowed to be themselves.

I choose a 24/7 D/s lifestyle because that label is the closest fit to me within the social constructs of vanilla or D/s. For instance, several of the vanilla females that allowed me to spank and fuck their asses had nothing but derogatory things to say about women in D/s relationships, or D/s in general. Which doesn’t make a lot of sense (because I do the same activity in both worlds), but they are hung-up on the labels.

The D/s community is not much different. It’s a social construct just like the vanilla world, but my so-called kinky proclivities in the vanilla world allow me to be more accepted in the D/s world. But I’m the same person either way, in either world.

So, is D/s my “real” life? Absolutely not. And neither is vanilla or any other socially constructed label. But D/s is the closest label I have to use within society to explain certain parts of who I am and how I choose to live with kat.

Kat and I chose our relationship together based on the unconditional love we have for each other. And we chose to utilize D/s to enhance the relationship. But it is still just a label attached to behavior or activities that I would do with or without the label. In fact, it was a part of me long before I was “in” the D/s community. The label just makes it easier to explain because it’s based on a social construct they can relate to…not really because it’s who I am or not.

Feeling Submissive

Recently, I asked Alpha to implement a ritual that would reinforce my submission to him; and I requested that he create it. Me not having a say in what the ritual is, for me, deepens that submissive feeling: I am doing what my Dom commands. And he composed a lovely mantra for me to recite while kneeling, each night before we go to sleep.

It has been hard for me to turn over control to Alpha. In the beginning, D/s sounded wonderful in theory but proved somewhat troublesome implementing. For awhile, life would go along fine for Daddy and his girl, then I would sink into depression causing my obstinate nature to kick in, my inclination to balk at any sort of authority. I wanted D/s and I didn’t want it. And added to the mix, because of past experiences, I would find myself mistrusting Alpha, though he has never, ever given me any reason to do so.

Alpha has always remained calm through my storms, even the last one which was on par with a hurricane (I wrote about it in Humble Pie, and Alpha responded in Alpha’s response to a humbled kat.) I think his background in psychology helps him understand me, so that when I’m hanging out in the wind twisting and turning and not knowing which direction a gust might blow me, he knows I need him to be my rock, solid and strong and calm. And he provides just that.

Then, when the storm passes, he soothes my fears, reassures me of his unconditional love, and makes me feel protected and safe. And we talk about what happened. Alpha knows that parts of me are broken, and wants to help me fit the pieces back together. He wants me happy, not just part of the time, but all the time. And a good part of being happy is being able to let go of the garbage in your past that has hurt you—and lord do I hang onto the bad stuff as if every rotten piece were a life preserver!

Because I agreed to a D/s relationship with Alpha, I also agreed to bare myself inside and out to him. He is privy to the real me that can be a mess at times, and he loves me in spite of myself. He loves me with a selfless love that I’ve never come close to experiencing before. That doesn’t mean there aren’t consequences when I go too far. Alpha will mete out appropriate punishment as he sees fit, which I agreed to at the start of our implementing D/s in our relationship. And putting control of my body into his hands, for both pleasure and pain, contributes to my feeling of submission to him.

When I feel submissive to Alpha, I also feel loved and safe. I feel both a mental calm, and an urgent physical need for him that ranges from desiring sweet cuddling to being ripped apart and devoured by my big, bad Wolf. Those are some powerful feelings. And you can’t get them in a vanilla relationship; at least I never have.

Giving over control to Alpha has brought me more peace than I’ve had in a very long time. And recently, I’ve been able to do away with a few of my soft and hard limits, and Alpha and I are taking my submission deeper—we’ll do baby steps, he says.

You can’t just claim you’re a submissive, and poof, you are. Just like a Dom has to walk the walk, the sub has to do it also. You can’t feel submissive without being submissive.

It may not work for everyone, but my way of feeling submissive is clearing my mind and actively listening to Alpha when he tells me in his own way that he is my Dom, that I belong to him, and will do as he says. I allow myself to feel submissive, to not let the thoughts creep in that try to tell me I am weak and needy because I want this, that I need to pull up my big girl panties and face the world alone. I let his words wash over me and through me. I don’t think; I don’t fight; I just am, and let him take control and lead us where he may.

This is not to say everything will always be smooth sailing. I’m sure in the future I’ll screw up in some fashion, for after all, I still possess a stubborn streak so ingrained I must have been born with the damn thing. But Alpha will be there to pick me up, dust me off, and set my feet back on the right path. And spank my butt if needed.