D/s: Comparing Foundations

At a well-known fetish event held yearly in San Francisco an alleged BDSM master was asked what foundational qualities he preferred in a new sub he was beginning a relationship with. Without hesitation, he said, “I prefer them alive, with a wet pussy, tight ass, and the ability to suck a golf ball through a garden hose.”

That answer places him, thankfully, in the minority—approximately two-percent of those participating in the D/s-BDSM world—where a variety of foolish and selfish foundational ideas exist.

The other ninety-eight percent of us—anyone with an IQ over 50—adhere to one of two primary foundational beliefs: the consent and trust foundation or the love foundation.

Consent and Trust
In the introduction to Dom’s Guide to Submissive Training Vol.2, by Elizabeth Cramer, the author claims the following: “There are two foundational pillars of a BDSM relationship between a Dom and a sub: consent and trust. Everything else in the relationship—the fun, the love, the discipline, the eroticism, the tears and the journey—are all built on these standards.”

Approximately forty-eight percent of D/s-BDSM practitioners adhere to this foundational belief. And the vast majority that adhere to this belief were attracted to the lifestyle prior to the relationships.

The kink, the fetish, the dark side is a powerful magnet that can easily seduce individuals with unmet sexual needs and fantasies. Thus, many people gain entrance into the D/s-BDSM world through a variety of outlets strictly catering to sexual fulfillment.

Private clubs, parties, dungeons, play groups, fetish fairs and kink conventions, along with Fet-Life and other fetish related social sites, and various other outlets introduce many people to the D/s-BDSM world while encouraging anything imaginable in couplings. And the universal belief is…as long as the participants are consenting adults and trustworthy, anything goes.

Love
A very wise person, my grandmother, once told me the following: “Never commit to a relationship that isn’t solidly built with a foundation of love.”

Love cannot guarantee a successful relationship, nothing can, but statistically it has a far better chance of succeeding than any other foundation.

Approximately half of all practitioners of D/s-BDSM adhere to the belief of a love foundation. The lion’s share that adhere to this belief were already in a committed relationship prior to participation in the D/s-BDSM world.

Many of these couples turned to D/s-BDSM to spice up a declining sex-life or explore fantasies or personality traits in one or both mates.

I let kat know early—during the long-distance phase of our relationship—that I have a natural Alpha personality. And, while I prefer relationships that include the D/s dynamic, it must first be built on a solid foundation of love.

Choosing Between the Two Primary Beliefs
If you are an individual or couple interested in pursuing a D/s-BDSM relationship, make sure you take into consideration your specific wants and needs. The best time for introspection and preparation is always before you commit to a new venture. You would think such planning was logically obvious, and yet, people dive into life-changing situations constantly with little or no thought given to the consequence of their actions.

TK was introduced to BDSM through porn, which inspired him to seek out ways to participate directly. Online connections led to play groups and dungeons, and it quickly became apparent to him that his main goal was sexual gratification in as many ways as possible with as many willing partners as he could get. So, consent through the basic contracts, and trusting both parties will adhere to the contracts is the most that he can commit to at this point in his life.

LY & PY were married eleven years before they considered including D/s into their relationship. It was not an easy decision to make. Their vanilla marriage had been mostly positive, but the transition to middle-age played heavy on PY’s self-image and belief that she’d failed to express her true self: her fantasies always included submission, both sexually and non-sexually. But LY finally consented after a lengthy period of communication, as long as the marriage remained traditional with the foundation of love retaining priority over the D/s dynamic. That change occurred six-years ago and is still going strong.

Last Word
Though I’ve always been partial to relationships built on a solid foundation of love—and all available statistics show relationships built on a loving foundation last longer than others—I can see the appeal of a consent and trust foundation for individuals that are more self-centered. If the goal is sexual gratification a foundation built on consent and trust alleviates the deep emotional attachment that committed love brings to relationships.

Just be sure you truly know what you need and want so you can choose the best foundation for you.

D/s: Maintain the Foundation

When a D/s relationship is in sync—both Dom and sub in the proper mindset—it’s one of the best experiences any couple could ever have. That’s why I prefer a D/s relationship over all other options.

Unfortunately, although unique, humans are an imperfect species that can foul-up a perfect wet dream—like a relationship built with a D/s dynamic.

In prior posts, I’ve touched on various areas to protect or maintain while building a solid and loving D/s relationship. In this post I want to stress maintaining the love between the couple. It’s something we all know is important, but (for a variety of reasons) we often overlook or become complacent about: eventually to the detriment of ourselves or the relationship.

KC&MC were married six-years before beginning their D/s journey. They got caught up in sub-frenzy with an order of Dom-frenzy on the side. Both were spurred on by a reignited sex-life that had fallen off for a couple years prior to their commitment to D/s. So, they put all their energy and effort into fulfilling their reawakened lusts.

Any couple in the D/s world for any length of time knows sessions or scenarios (spontaneous or not) fueled by pure lust can have some very satisfying orgasmic rewards. But a relationship that only fuels the lusts will eventually crash and burn or fizzle out when the love foundation rots away.

KC&MC went through a very rough period. They thought a good sex-life alone could fulfill the relationship. They were wrong. But they found out in time, and after just a few counseling sessions they were headed in the right direction again.

Almost every homeowner I know spends hundreds or thousands annually on the cosmetic appearance and upkeep of their home. That fact is stated in their general conversations constantly. But I cannot recall one telling me they also had their foundation checked.

Couples that treat their relationships the same way shouldn’t be surprised when their loving foundation cracks, shifts, crumbles, or falls into a sinkhole.

Every couple should build their relationship on a loving foundation—along with respect, trust, communication, compatibility, honesty, etc. And that foundation needs to be maintained and reinforced constantly. After all, if you make a concerted effort to maintain the love and romance the relationship is founded on, your sex-life will always have a solid foundation to build on.

In other words, if you want a great sex-life keep love and romance alive.

PS: What, you’re still here? Stop reading and go love you mate!

Black Wolf: First Client (Part Four of 4)

“I told you I would just do it,” I said. And he made some angry mumbling sounds, so I slapped him across the face to remind him I was the Alpha. “Be glad I didn’t grab one of the toys.”

When I began to turn away I noticed Joe’s tiny tepee, now much wetter, was a little taller and bouncing around involuntarily. So I turned back to face him, and his angry expression changed to utter embarrassment faster than a politician can tell a lie. And I’ve always had an uncanny knack of judging people and situations.

“Now there’s something I’m sure you don’t want everybody knowing,” I said. “Something you just discovered about yourself.”

Fear began to creep in with the embarrassment.

“Don’t worry about it,” I said while departing the bed and heading back around to Waleli. “You chose me because I’m a professional.” Continue reading “Black Wolf: First Client (Part Four of 4)”

Black Wolf: First Client (Part Three)

I’m not here to get my rocks off. Yes, it will physically occur, but that’s not why I’m here. I’m here to help clients fulfill their goals: goals that are accomplished with a combination of dominance, submission, humiliation, behavior modification through punishment and rewards, and cathartic releases through pain and pleasure. And as the Master I bear the responsibility of fulfilling their wants and needs while keeping them protected and safe physically and emotionally. And much of that is accomplished through mentorship: teaching and guiding them through their areas of ignorance and inexperience.

I released my grip and tenderly stroked her hair. Continue reading “Black Wolf: First Client (Part Three)”

Black Wolf: First Client (Part Two)

Pinto Joe led me up the stairs and halfway down the right hall to a door with a hummingbird totem attached.

“Her room,” he said, stating the obvious. His nerves were reacting to the situation.

He wiped his hands on his robe before turning the knob.

I followed him through the door into the spacious bedroom. It was bright and airy, utilizing lighter earth tones in browns, tans, and greens. And it was the only room I’d seen so far that had no cowboy décor mixed with the Native American motif. And hummingbirds played a major role in the theme.

The center wall was glass with double sliding doors giving access to the balcony. There was a door in the middle of the left wall leading to a bathroom, with dressers and shelves along the rest of the wall. And two large closets were on the right, along with a queen-size canopy bed centered against the wall. And sitting on the handcrafted bench at the foot of the bed was Waleli, with hands in her lap, wearing a shimmering green satin nightie with matching panties. Continue reading “Black Wolf: First Client (Part Two)”