In the ‘information age’, when an abundance of knowledge on practically every human topic is just a mouse-click away, I am still amazed at the amount of myths that not only refuse to die but seem to flourish.
A standard myth attached to D/s – BDSM is the misconception that the majority of these relationships—and the subculture in general—thrive on the degradation of women. And yet, it’s a myth that could not be further from the truth.
In all areas involving human participation you can find a bad element. BDSM is no exception in that respect. However, it is a miniscule percentage that is usually found among posers and wannabes that predominantly slither in and around the public venues and online hook-ups.
The male role-models in my life predominantly taught me to follow the traditional values regarding females: love, cherish, honor, respect, and protect them. And, for the most part, I adhered to those teachings. But, not always.
In all honesty, there was a very confused and chaotic period in my life—much of it created through the actions of females—when, as a natural alpha, I consciously suppressed my normal inclination to protect the fair sex.
During that chaotic period, though filled with anger, I was still able to recognize various areas in society where sexism was either blatant or disguised. And even through the anger it bothered my sense of fair play.
It was also during that period that I became aware of the BDSM community.
Following a lengthy period of introspection and self-discovery I overcame my anger issues. And I quickly became aware of how my natural alpha personality fit comfortably into the D/s lifestyle. And the traditional views I had been taught since birth (how to honor, respect, and protect women, etc.) seemed tailor-made for being a Dom, and the responsibilities of the position: fulfilling the sub’s wants and needs while keeping them protected and safe.
The Power Exchange
Much of the myth claiming BDSM is degrading to women centers around misconceptions involving the Power Exchange customary in D/s relationships.
Much of the vanilla world is under the false belief that Doms are all male, subs are all female, and subs automatically give over total control to Doms; which, those of us involved in D/s relationships know is completely absurd.
All Doms are not male. All subs are not female. And, like the rest of society, all D/s relationships are not just male and female.
The Power Exchange is not an all-take, one-sided proposition. It is a negotiated agreement between two equal partners that is built on a loving, or consent and trust, foundation. And the more control given up by the sub transfers an equal amount of responsibility to the Dom to fulfill the sub’s wants and needs, while keeping them protected and safe.
Fem-doms / Dommes
While the Power Exchange shows both Dom and sub are equal partners in D/s relationships, the fact that there are fem-doms (Dommes) reaffirms the BDSM community’s acceptance of female equality.
Any culture, or subculture, that allows females to occupy the position of power subsequently cannot be a culture that predominantly degrades women.
Some myth defenders would like people to believe that because there are predominantly more female subs with male Doms involved with scenes or sessions using humiliation / degradation actions and words, it “proves” D/s is more degrading to women. But, that is completely illogical.
Doms only use humiliation / degradation in scenes after communication with their sub shows the sub’s desire and consent to have it used. In fact, any Dom that uses humiliation without consent is a poser or wannabe, and the sub should flee as fast as they can.
What others say
GS says: I’ve never felt degraded as a woman involved in D/s. I actually feel empowered.
KT says: I have gained strength during my two-years in the BDSM community. I have been able to do things I never thought I would be able to do for myself, for my pleasure and sexual growth.
PD says: My mate is my Domme. She has the control. And the humiliation to me is consensual.
JB says: Being involved in BDSM has allowed me to grow into the woman I’ve always wished I could be concerning my sexual identity.
Let me iterate, in legitimate relationships in the D/s – BDSM community, Doms and subs are always equal partners. And any humiliation or degradation is primarily consensual (except in situations with posers, etc.). Unfortunately, as long as the vanilla world reads or watches misrepresentations of the D/s – BDSM world, myths will continue. Only through familiarization of the real thing will the myths dissolve.