More ebbs than flows

Kat’s last post spoke of the need for unconditional love as the relationship foundation in order to continue on during the ebbs and flows that all relationships encounter.

Unfortunately, this year has seen far more ebbs than flows. Family obligations, relations, and positions of responsibility have taken their fair share of time and effort. But this year both kat and I (primarily me as a disabled Vet) have been inundated with physical obstacles: injuries, illnesses, and medical appointments and procedures that never seem to cease. When one appears to be at an end another one (or more) pops up to take its place.

It’s been exasperating!

When your body is not functioning properly it can easily create obstacles to every area of your life.

No matter how hard we try to forge ahead and function with some semblance of normality it eventually becomes impossible. And no matter how much kat and I want and need D/s in our relationship, sometimes it just has to take a backseat for a while. Which is one reason I’ve been doing more short pieces and poetry, instead of the longer nonfiction D/s topical posts this year.

Kat can verify that I function on less than 4 hours sleep during the best of times, but it’s down to around 2 hours this year—with many sleepless nights. Often 2-4 sleepless nights consecutively: even during hospital stays with pain meds and sleeping pills that don’t seem to work well for me.

Kat and I still find time for intimacy, which we both agree is important. But it has just been too difficult trying to maintain a consistent 24/7 D/s relationship with the protocols, etc. So, I’ve suspended the mandatory Dom & sub duties until we get beyond the major physical issues.

Since we’ve always received far more response to our lengthier nonfiction D/s pieces, I just thought I’d let our followers know why we’ve put up less of those this year than usual.

The humorous pieces flow out of me like water. The nonfiction pieces don’t, especially with the constant pain and lack of sleep. But we will keep trying to make our Tuesday and Friday post dates as long as we physically can, even if they have to be more of the shorter pieces. And hopefully we’ll get beyond the physical issues like we have all previous issues.

Have a nice day!

Doms should never assume

There is an old saying that states: If you assume, you make an ‘ass’ out of ‘u’ and ‘me.’

Let me give you an example that began on the 5th of July in 2013. After going to the local ER, they took x-rays and did ultrasounds on me. The ER doctor gave a diagnosis that would radically alter my life. I was placed on oxygen and a regimen of medications, and then handed off to the VA doctors to follow-up the treatments.

I was told to use the oxygen 24/7, and that I would be on it the rest of my life, along with the medications.

I never did use the oxygen 24/7, and I eventually convinced them to cancel it. They also lowered the meds but refused to cancel them.

Over the next 5 years there were additional hospital stays, multiple exams with dozens of medical professionals, including 2 VA primary care physicians. And they all prescribed modified treatments for my diagnosed conditions.

That is, until recently, when I acquired a new primary care doctor. A doctor that chooses not to assume. Instead of following up on the set regimen, he went back over my entire medical history. And after double-checking all the x-rays, etc., he felt the original ER doctor misdiagnosed me back in 2013. And he set me up with some additional tests to verify his conclusion.

The final test was done in the wee hours of the morning on March 8th, 2018. By the afternoon, my doctor let me know I could stop the meds, because he confirmed I was misdiagnosed.

For 5 years each medical professional simply assumed the first diagnosis was correct, and it clouded their minds to every test, exam, condition, and even side-effects that I’ve endured until I finally got a doctor that looked at the evidence with fresh, unclouded eyes…and never assumed anything.

What kind of a Dom would I be if I assumed, upon meeting kat, that she needed me to be exactly like my previous D/s mate?

If I would have treated kat like my late wife needed and wanted to be treated it would have turned into a colossal fuck-up, just like all those medical professionals treating me based on a misdiagnosis they simply assumed to be correct.

Everyone is a unique individual, including all subs, and they need to be dealt with on an individual basis. Communicate, observe, and learn about them. And never make the foolish mistake of assuming something. Make sure before you act on it.

Gender Identity Disorder: child abuse in a modern medical trend

When we read headlines or hear news stories about cultures in the world that allow the girls to have their genitalia butchered, or boys’ scrotums are forcefully squeezed daily, or girl babies are aborted or sold, or girls and boys are kidnapped for labor or sex trades, we’re disgusted at the news and think how awful it would be to live in societies that allow such things. And yet, the so-called civilized world, including the United States and other western civilizations, equally engage in barbaric practices on children. All under the guise of medical progress.

I’m referring to the highly controversial issue of chemical and surgical sex-change treatment for children. With all of the horrific mistakes the medical field has seen throughout history, haven’t they learned yet that just because something can be done does not mean it should be done?

The human brain does not fully mature until around 25-years-old. And yet, parents, under the encouragement of agenda-pushing medical and psychiatric professionals, make life-changing decisions for their children (as early as 2-years-old), on the basis that their child claims they are, or want to be, the opposite sex.

Most individuals, at some point during their childhood, wonder what it would be like to be the opposite sex. A large percentage of these people even fixate on the possibility of being the opposite sex; especially if they are going through a tough period. Or, if they perceive the traditional roles and treatment of one sex being better than the other.

For instance, a female I know vividly recalls how she and her sisters had to do far more chores than their brothers. And she clearly remembers wishing she was a boy. In fact, she had those thoughts from a young age until puberty. But once her body began to change those thoughts disappeared, and she’s been happy to be a female ever since.

It is impossible for a child to fully comprehend the consequences and life-changing ramifications of changing their sex. And when the average adult mistakenly believes sex and gender are the same thing, instead of having entirely different definitions, how do parents and medical professionals honestly believe children can make such life-changing decisions?

Two experts in the field at Johns Hopkins University, Lawrence S. Mayer and Paul McHugh, wrote a 143-page report that expressed their “alarm at the developing trend in the United States of parents declaring their children to be transgendered and subjecting the child to hormonal treatments, behavioral adjustments and surgery.”

They equally suggest no one can determine the gender identity of such young children (like the 2-4-year-olds being mentioned in articles now). And along with believing scientists have no real understanding of what it means “for a child to have a developed sense of his or her gender,” they are extremely alarmed that the “therapies, treatments, and surgeries seem disproportionate to the severity of the distress being experienced” by the children, and are “premature since the majority who identify as the gender opposite their biological sex will not continue to do so as adults.” Plus, they stress that there is a lack of reliable studies on the prolonged effects of these interventions.

While Mayer and McHugh strongly caution against such therapies, treatments, and surgeries, other medical professionals push the trend.

Dr. Norman Spack, director of one of the nation’s first gender identity clinics, at Children’s Hospital Boston, says, “Switching gender roles and occasionally pretending to be the opposite sex is common in young children. But these kids are different. They feel certain they were born with the wrong bodies.”

The trend shows a growing number of these children are being labeled with gender identity disorder, a psychiatric diagnosis.

Dr. Margaret Moon, who teaches at the Johns Hopkins Berman Institute of Bioethics, and is a member of the American Academy of Pediatrics bioethics committee, says, “Offering sex-change treatment to kids younger than 18 raises ethical concerns, and their parents’ motives need to be closely examined.”

Moon further claims, “Some kids may get a psychiatric diagnosis when they are just hugely uncomfortable with narrowly defined gender roles; or some may be gay and are coerced into treatment by parents more comfortable with a sex-change than having a homosexual child.”

Regarding parental motives: while I believe most of these parents’ want to do what’s right for their children they, unfortunately, buy into the PC, societal, and medical trends.

However, there are instances where parents have played on the publicity surrounding the issue: subjecting their children to life-changing therapies and treatments for personal gain.

There is at least one instance where siblings playing a practical joke convinced a young sister to keep claiming she was a boy or she would be kicked out of the family. And the parents bought it and put her into therapy (which was discontinued after the siblings confessed).

Isn’t it interesting that while Moon suggests the parents’ motives be closely examined, no one suggests the medical professionals’ motives be examined. After all, the entire history of medicine is littered with both unethical and immoral practices. Everything from graverobbing to drug dealing, double-billing to unnecessary surgeries, and malpractice to murder have made headlines in the medical field.

Some people may point out that the medical professionals are treating gender identity disorder quite differently than similar disorders.

An individual with body dysmorphic disorder (BDD) mistakenly believes they are ugly. A female with anorexia nervosa (AN) mistakenly believes she is obese. An individual with body integrity identity disorder (BIID) mistakenly believes they are a disabled person trapped in a fully functioning body: some even seek surgical amputation of healthy limbs, or attempt to get their spines severed.

You do not see the medical and psychiatric professionals lining up for the “Trend Train” to fulfill the mistaken beliefs of those with BDD, AN, or BIID. So, why are so many hopping on board the “Transgender Trend Train?”

Can the prospect of creating an entire class of life-long patients be tempting? After all, we already see them going after children as young as 2-years-old. And once they have been indoctrinated through the alleged counseling to “accept” themselves as the opposite sex, they will be on puberty blocking drugs for several years, followed by sex-changing hormonal treatment for the rest of their lives (with or without the sex-change surgery). And greed has proven to be a powerful motivator throughout the history of medicine.

There are other medical and psychiatric professionals who are tempted more by the prestige of being on the cutting edge of the medical trend. They have new methods and they want to use them. And it clouds their minds to the moral and ethical issues regarding such life altering changes to children as young as 2-years-old.

Let’s look at Spack’s claim. He claims, the GID children “feel certain they were born with the wrong bodies.” Now, let’s recall that the human brain doesn’t fully mature until around age twenty-five; and at the age many of these kids are now being asked they are just as equally certain that Santa Claus and Bugs Bunny are real, and when people die they simply brush themselves off and keep going like in the cartoons.

It is literally impossible for these kids to fully comprehend the life-long ramifications and consequences surrounding such a major decision.

Spack along with other trend pushing doctors, claim there is emerging research that suggests these children may have brain differences similar to the opposite sex.

Most of the alleged research involves brain imaging, but it’s flawed since the imaging is only done on the subjects (GID kids) after they’ve begun the therapies and treatments.

During my training in psychology I became familiar with the term neuroplasticity. Neuroplasticity is the capacity of the human brain to change in response to individual experience (including gained knowledge). Simply put, the brain image before an extended period of therapy and treatment is going to look different than the brain functions after the therapy and treatment.

In other words, the alleged emerging research Spack refers to does not prove cause and effect. It may show similar brain functions to the opposite sex, but since the images were taken after therapy and treatment, the therapy and treatment to “accept” themselves as the opposite sex can just as easily be the cause and effect for the change.

I’m equally sure that some of the medical professionals honestly think they are doing the right thing. They are humanists pushing the progressive agenda, with the alleged belief that if the GID kids are encouraged to “accept” their mistaken belief it will help them reach their “true potential.” Unfortunately, good intentions will never transform barbaric practices into something positive.

Remember my favorite Alpha quote: Intelligence without common sense is nonsense.

It doesn’t matter what excuses parents and medical professionals use to convince themselves that it’s okay to use behavior modification, drug treatments, and sex-changing surgery on anyone under the legal age (while the child is incapable of making such decisions)—it’s still wrong! And it will always be morally and ethically wrong; just like it’s wrong to mutilate female genitalia, and the other barbaric practices mentioned earlier.

Unfortunately, money talks, which is why trafficking of kids continues in the sex trade. And with the clear prospect of manufacturing life-long patients that can fund trendy new clinics and make careers, there will be no shortage of medical professionals hopping on board the “Transgender Trend Train.” And the child abuse under the guise of medicine will continue to build momentum.

Two important questions on sub needs

Miriam at miriam the brave commented on my last post, and asked the following questions:

How do you know what a sub needs? Sometimes even the sub doesn’t know.

Do you fear that in her relying on you to meet her needs she will not be able to on her own in the unfortunate situation where you’re no longer around?

I felt that attempting to answer the questions with a few sentences in the comment section would seem trivial and do her an injustice. The questions are too important. In fact, an in-depth answer could fill a book, but that’s not appropriate for a blog, so I’ll give a condensed version.

Qualifications
First off, am I qualified to answer Miriam’s questions? After all, as the saying goes “opinions are like assholes, everyone’s got one.”

I have a degree and background in psychology. I have over a dozen years investigative experience, that includes four specialties, one of which covers domestic relations and abuse. I also have extensive experience in inner city problems: battered women and children shelters, various halfway houses, gangs, etc. And I have nearly two decades D/s experience and research.

1st Question: How do you know what a sub needs?
The average Dom and sub are not psychologists or psychiatrists; so, allow me to give the four primary ways (or tools) the average D/s couple deals with this issue: communication, observation, research, and professional counseling/guidance.

Communication
I wish to clarify that my answers are specifically for 24/7 D/s couples with a foundation of love (I don’t believe part-timers and/or those who stick with public venues, dungeons, play dates, and casual hook-ups will acquire the level of intimacy and trust necessary to accomplish this properly).

To get the complete benefit from the power exchange in a D/s relationship open, honest, and constant communication is imperative. By loving and respecting each other enough to expose your secrets, fantasies, flaws, and other vulnerabilities you’ll reinforce your foundation and build a level of trust necessary to confidently tackle any issue.

Every individual and couple are different; so, the time required to build such an intimate connection is going to vary. But speed is not important, go at a comfortable pace for each of you. What’s important is building the intimacy, trust, and communication levels. The time will be well spent. We all know or have heard of couples that are so close they can practically finish each other’s sentences (similar to the two becoming one biblical concept).

Observation
If you, the sub, are openly, honestly, and constantly communicating with your Dom, they should become well acquainted with your behavioral traits. They will equally pick-up more by living with you, and observing you constantly (if they are making the effort to do so). They will begin to gain an almost intuitive sense of your positive and negative behavioral traits. And this intimate and intuitive level of observation will be used in conjunction with communication and the other primary tools to help decipher the sub’s needs.

Research
If the sub is dealing with one or more specific mental, emotional, and/or physical problems it would behoove you, both Dom and sub, to research and gain as much knowledge about the issues as possible. Remember, knowledge is power. The more you know about what causes the issues and the best available solutions or treatments, the better your chance at making the best decisions for you, your situation, and relationship.

Professional help
Sadly, many people have had atrocious childhoods, abusive relationships, or multiple traumatic experiences in their lives, which can easily cause multiple issues to deal with. And these issues may run the gamut from physical to mental to emotional, and require medical or counseling professionals to properly deal with.

Similarly, if Dom and sub need help understanding any of the research they’ve acquired, it’s better to get help from competent professionals, instead of taking advice from laypersons (D/s or otherwise).

Putting it all together
If everything goes according to plan the Dom will gain an intimate, almost intuitive, knowledge of his sub through continuous communication and observation. The communication and observational knowledge will be constantly compared to the knowledge acquired through research and/or professional assistance. And decisions will be made based on the collective knowledge.

[*In situations where neither Dom nor sub knows what the sub needs, you need to keep utilizing the tools. Keep communicating, observing, researching, etc. And even make use of trial and error until the need becomes apparent. Some issues take longer than others, and some people take longer, especially if there are multiple issues to deal with. But never give up!]

Real world example
Soon after kat and I met I discovered she had dark depressive episodes, which she claimed lasted as long as 7-10 days on average. Since this was during the long-distance phase of our relationship I wouldn’t be able to rely on observation much, if any. However, from the very beginning, kat and I have had an uncanny level of communication. So, I began learning as much about her past and present situations, including emotions, thoughts, fantasies, dreams, everything.

As a trained observer and active listener, it soon became very clear to me that kat—who had endured a few intensely traumatic experiences, along with two long-term negative relationships, and numerous years of emotional abuse—was dealing with all the emotional pain through an inappropriate method which she had started using as a child.

She had built walls around the bad memories, and when the memories and pain broke through she completely shut-down. She felt that feeling nothing was better than feeling the pain. Unfortunately, such methods are negatives not positives. They don’t allow positive solutions which tear down the walls and get rid of the pain for good.

Kat is an intelligent and strong woman. Unfortunately, she didn’t realize she was inadvertently prolonging her suffering with the inappropriate survival methods, because she had fought through it all by herself. She had never gone for any counseling.

I admired her strength and resolve, but she needed help, and I had the training and experience to help her.

We discussed the situation and I initiated a very simple plan that would begin during our long-distance phase, and continue for as long as necessary when we came together. The plan only involved four steps, but I knew they would work for kat—but it would take time (especially since we began it long-distance).

The steps are as follows:

When kat begins to focus on negative thoughts and emotions she needs to immediately fight back with positive thoughts and emotions.

She must never shut me out when she’s shutting down.

We’ll both focus on making an abundance of positive memories together to combat the negative memories (because there has been such a huge imbalance in her life).

[*This waited until we got together.] If she succumbs to a dark episode I will utilize a method of cathartic release to snap her out of it before it gets a strong hold on her.

Did the plan work?
We haven’t been together very long. However, though she isn’t completely rid of everything, the plan is definitely working. Kat has only had a handful of dark episodes since we’ve been together: all of them early during the long-distance phase of our relationship. And yet, even when still long-distance, instead of the 7-10 day durations, like prior to our relationship, the longest episode was 3 days (most were just a day). And, while she still has bad days, she no longer shuts down, she continues to function, and she never shuts me out.

2nd Question: Do you fear that in her relying on you to meet her needs she will not be able to on her own in the unfortunate situation where you’re no longer around?
As a Dom, I do not fear this in my situation with kat, for several reasons. I’ve already mentioned that kat is a strong and intelligent woman. And from the beginning of our relationship, which is built on a solid foundation of unconditional love, we view ourselves as loving partners in all things, including D/s. And the plan I designed for kat’s depressive episodes can, for the most part, be carried out by kat alone if necessary: especially after she’s been doing it so long. And the goal is to cure her from the depression altogether, a goal which is progressing very well, as mentioned above.

However, if per chance something happened to me before she was cured, the parts of the plan that I handle can be slightly altered so that kat could carry on alone, or with a new partner.

Doms predominantly have the last word in D/s relationships, but that doesn’t mean subs should have no word, especially with situations dealing with their mental, emotional, and physical well-being.

I value kat’s opinion, and want her in-put on every major issue before I make the final decision. And I would hope that all D/s couples would work and communicate wonderfully together. This way, if the sub, Dom, or both have issues they will discuss, research, plan, and institute the best plan they can, and the sub never has to feel she’s kept in the dark.

Last word
I understand that this is a condensed version, but all couples, even those with multiple issues to combat, can make good use of it. Keep your love and communication strong. Make plans specific to the sub (do not follow mine, it was tailor-made specifically for kat), and that can be altered for the sub to use alone if the need arises. Institute, maintain, and adjust plans to needs that are known—and never stop searching for answers to needs that are presently unknown: and get help if you need to.

Good luck.

A Dom that doesn’t know how to serve can never lead

I recently ran across a site that made a point of showing so-called doms outrageously bullying subs through physical, mental, and emotional abuse. As someone with a background in psychology and investigations (along with being in D/s for many years) I saw nothing being done that could be beneficial. It went way beyond any kind of cathartic release. It was completely detrimental and degrading to the point that, in my opinion, it would cause far more mental and emotional harm to the subs. All it did was boost the egos and satisfy the sadistic natures of the so-called doms. And any sub that has bought into the lie that they can somehow be made whole from past experiences through an overabundance of humiliation and degradation is going to wake-up one day to find they’re far worse off now then they were before.

Wannabes and posers hear about the power exchange in D/s relationships and figure being a Dom is a perfect way to feed their egos while fulfilling fantasies. You’ll rarely, if ever, see them in loving D/s relationships. They prefer the consent and trust foundations with less emotional baggage. They often haunt public venues: dungeons, play parties, online hook-ups, etc. They like to be little dictators with lots of rules and protocols, and many reasons to be punished.

There are many similar examples in real world situations. The political dictators that rule by force and manipulation because they are incapable of legitimate leadership. Military officers, often without combat experience, that continually thrive on protocols, regulations, and an abundance of inspections, as if that will somehow allow them to be viewed as “good leaders.” Or, teachers and professors with no real-world accomplishments in their chosen fields gaining reputations for being rigid and domineering in class. Plus, other examples too numerous to mention.

Each of the aforementioned may be in positions of leadership but they are not leaders. Real leaders understand and accept the responsibility of leadership. They must serve and fulfill the requirements of their position, which includes taking care of those they have authority over.

Yes, in the D/s world, the sub must submit and obey the Dom. But the Dom has the responsibility to serve the relationship and sub by fulfilling the sub’s wants and needs while keeping them protected and safe.

Therefore, as the title of this piece states, “A Dom that doesn’t know how to serve can never lead.” After all, there is a huge difference between being dominant and being domineering.