Guarding Intimacy

The Sanctity of a Relationship

I have learned through personal experience, observation, and psychological studies just how important guarding intimacy is within a loving relationship. Too many couples fail to see the hazards until they find themselves on the outside looking in, and wondering, how the hell did we end up like this?

Intimacy within a loving couple’s relationship encompasses every area of their life: mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually (and that doesn’t mean strictly religious, but does include it for those who are). And to borrow a spiritual term, this area of the relationship should be considered sacred, for the sanctity of the relationship remains intact when the couple guards their intimacy from any and all outside influences. This should be done in all relationships, but is extremely important in D/s or L/s style relationships because of the overwhelming misconceptions within society.

Outside Influence = Inside Interference

When one or both partners in a relationship begin to vent to relatives, friends, co-workers, or any Tom, Dick, or Harriet that will listen, they immediately corrupt the intimate communication between themselves while opening the doors for outside influence to create inside interference.

There are also times when that interference is not sought by either partner, it comes through relatives, friends, and others who do not understand the D/s or L/s dynamic, and believe they are acting on their loved one’s behalf. Predominantly this type of interference occurs by those who believe the submissive or supportive partner is being taken advantage of by the Dominant or Leading partner because they have bought into societal misconceptions.

However, it doesn’t matter how good the intentions are, if the outsiders are not professionals trained to view both sides objectively, it will inevitably cause more conflict.

How prevalent is the problem?

Personal Coach and Relationship Expert, Chris M. Lyon, and author of Leading and Supportive Love: The Truth About Dominant and Submissive Relationships, asked the respondents to her study what were the biggest problems they experienced with their L/s relationships. She said, “The overwhelming answer—nearly 80%—answered that issues with people outside of their relationship caused the most problems for the relationship.”

This figure is similar to every psychological and academic study I’ve seen regarding the topic: anywhere from 70 – 90%.

What about support networks?

It is all well and good to have support networks in the form of family, friends, etc. However, those networks should be utilized for areas other than you and your mate’s intimate life (unless there truly is abuse going on, and then you should not be with them anyway). You don’t do you or your mate any good by bringing outside influence into your intimate space—and that means all areas of intimacy, not just the bedroom.

Communication

Kat and I continually stress communication between partners on this blog, along with other key factors for maintaining a solid relationship foundation. This is just another area where open and honest communication shines. It is a mature couple’s best weapon to guard and maintain their intimacy from outside influences as well as internal problems that may arise between themselves.

Problems or potential problems can only be dealt with when they are out in the open. Never hold back from your life-partner.

 

D/s maintenance

Any worthwhile relationship needs to be maintained, and D/s relationships are no exception. However, as long as I’ve been aware of the D/s lifestyles, and even during my psychological studies concerning D/s, along with personal experience, I’ve noticed a disturbing trend that complicates D/s relationships that can easily be fixed if more couples spent as much time maintaining their communication, trust, and intimacy levels (all intimacy not just physical) like they maintain the sub’s behavior through maintenance spanking or corrective punishment.

Do not misunderstand; there is nothing wrong with maintenance spanking or corrective punishment, and I am a firm believer in them within the D/s dynamic if both parties agree. Unfortunately, many couples seem to feel that maintaining the sub’s behavior is the only area that needs constant maintenance. And that is woefully inadequate.

Key factors of a successful relationship, D/s or otherwise, are as follows: a solid foundation of unconditional love, compatibility, open and honest communication, trust, respect, and intimacy. Yet many couples, especially those new to the D/s world and couples that haven’t been together very long, quickly get off-track by spending most of their time and effort worrying about the sub’s behavior and subsequent punishment or simply exploring all the variations of the kink. Thus, the relationships often take a backseat to the arousal and pleasure they find in the D/s lifestyle, until one day they realize the rest of their relationship is a mess.

I have never heard of a relationship breaking up over a lack of maintenance spanking or punishment. They fall apart over a breakdown in communication, lack of trust, incompatibility, disrespect, and a loss of intimacy that corrode and weaken the foundation of love to a point it can no longer sustain the relationship. That should tell you what areas of the relationship should be considered priorities for maintaining.

If you’re willing to devote a time every week to maintenance spankings or dole out punishment whenever a behavior infraction occurs, you should equally be willing to devote a time each week to communicate with each other as well as take action whenever an issue arises before it can become a full-blown problem. If you maintain trust, respect, and intimacy through constant communication you will prevent corrosion, cracks, and weakening in your solid foundation of love.