Alpha’s Bawdy Word Play: 9th Edition

[Alpha’s modern version of Bawdy Word Play & Erotica similar to the Vaudeville & Burlesque periods.]

Never
Never betray a brother
Or French-kiss your mother
Or build an outhouse atop another

Never get taken to the woodshed
And never lose your head
And never get caught in you sister-in-law’s bed

Never sneeze in someone’s face
Never cause your family disgrace
And never tell your wife she can be replaced

Never steal, cheat, or lie
Never make your lover cry
Or wake-up from a bender in a pigsty

Never scratch an itch
If the itch is on a bitch
With a split-personality homicidal switch

Never jump to conclusions
Or get caught-up in illusions
Unless you like protrusions and contusions

Never go along with an illegal fix
Never hurt others to get your kicks
And never believe anyone in politics

First kiss
She said her first kiss on the lips
Was about as perfect as it could be
There was a feeling of bliss that aroused her nips
With a sensual wave of ecstasy
The only surprise in the blessed event
That left her emotionally spent
Was that her first kiss—
Was so far south of her mouth

Cuffed and Stuffed
All it takes is a solitary look
On a day with her emotions quite shook
Just use her
And abuse her
While she’s cuffed, and stuffed with an anal hook

Alpha’s Bawdy Word Play: 8th edition

[Alpha’s modern version of Bawdy Humor and Erotica similar to the Vaudeville & Burlesque periods.]

No Clowning Around
I was handed a flyer
From a modern town crier
Announcing an upcoming event
I was in town for a short stay
So, I might as well play
Especially if I can get sexually spent
I mistook “a rousing good time”
For “an arousing good time,”
And in this case the two didn’t mix
I arrived with a sexy move
But quickly lost my groove
When I saw clowns with bags of tricks
Clown feet and clown face
Are a dimension out of place
I see nothing sexy in slapstick
Contrary to the rumor
I do have a sense of humor
But no balloon animals on my dick
Keep your flower that shoots jelly
And your jack-in-the-box willie
Just give me tits, cunt, and ass
The clown car is not a sex-mobile
And a clown chick is no deal
Who wants a honking horn BJ? How crass!
Send the clowns back to clown school
Just leave me a nympho or two
And enough time for a multiple orgasm
Cease the clown parade
And the belly-laughs sex charade
You can’t climax with a stitch-in-the-side spasm
A dozen clowns in a phone booth: “Hello”
Now they frolic in a pool of Jello
Orgy-like it may seem, but it ain’t
They make body parts wiggle and jiggle
No orgasmic scream, just a giggle
I need to go back to the rez’ and the war-paint

Gag free
The biggest cunnilingus killjoy
Are still curlicues where tongues deploy
So, shave the hair
Keep your pussy bare
For a gag free delight: Oh boy!

Anal shag
The rhythm of the rut
While penetrating the butt
In an anal shag
By the Dominant stag
Builds the arousal to pop his nut

 

Have a good day!

Alpha’s Bawdy Word Play: 5th installment

This is a modern version of Bawdy Word Play, Erotica, or Tongue Twisters from the Vaudeville & Burlesque periods.

 

Nasty Nick
Nasty Nick could do a trick with his dick
That made all the girls float in sub-space
It was flexible when hard, and played the dance card
It slithered in, then shivered and quivered…
In each fem-fuckable place

A Taste of Dominance
I love to mingle my mustache with your female fleece
The perfect triangle, appearing to dangle
Just above the bud of your rose
I’ll mimic the Eskimo, rubbing nose to rose,
Enjoying the odoriferous emanation
As you shiver and shake, with clitoris awake
Then I’ll spear it with my tongue for a taste
Awakening your imagination
I’ll nibble and lick, and finger and flick
And slather your slit from crack to clit
Hot Damn! I love this part of a sub’s domination
A succulent pussy so aroused and juicy
A feast worthy of the most discerning connoisseur
Untouchable to all but me…
An obedient sub to her Dominant Sir

A Slut
A slut has a snatch that’s an easy catch
It is often given away
A slut lives for lust, with implied consent and trust
And she’s always ready to play
A slut that’s understood, thinks all sex is good
Lips, legs, and ass, just spread her
With her, sex is a drug, she wants no holes unplugged
Every session with her is a triple-header

Harry the Hedonist
Harry the Hedonist paid for a fetish rape scene
That got out of hand with extra amphetamine
Two girls made to play
Were really raped that day
In a manner most foul and obscene

Harry the Hedonist was a proud Libertine
So, he came to court with a plan to come clean
He said he was high
And both girls did lie
Now he’s serving twenty, with a butt full of Vaseline

Alpha’s Bawdy Word Play: 4th Installment

A modern version of the old Vaudeville and Burlesque bawdy humor, erotica, and tongue twisters.

 

No Wasted Days or Nights
Wasted days when nights are nigh
Wasted nights when sun is high
But never a day is wasted when
And never a night if you surely begin
To pleasure your treasure between her thighs
A kiss, a nibble, a tickle or lick
A finger, a tongue, a hard-throbbing dick
A whimper, a moan, “Oh my!” goes her cry
“To ever be without it, I shall surely die!”
If you elicit that cry, a good man you be
Just never break her heart… and always satisfy her pussy.

Karaoke
Karaoke is a joke to those who cannot sing
Some balk, most squawk, causing eardrums to sting
It’s odd how people that can’t carry a tune in a bucket
Forego self-respect, get up and say, “fuck it”
Some croak like a bullfrog, some squeak like a mouse
Some bark like a dead dog in an old haunted house
Some neigh like a jackass imitating a mule
And most are tone-deaf: I think it’s a rule
Some snort like a pachyderm with a cold in its trunk
And many slur words like a droopy-lipped drunk
Some snicker like a virgin with wedding night jitters
Others snap, crackle, and pop like they’re deep-frying fritters
And many wheeze, sneeze, and cough while the crowd does scoff
Though most never seem to notice with their heads in the clouds aloft
Perhaps that’s the secret to having fun
Be completely tuned out… or just plain dumb
Anyone for karaoke?

3 Pecker-heads
Willie, Wilbur, and Walt One-Eye
All from the same Pecker-head kin
Chose a nymph with a penchant for
Skin upon skin upon skin
Willie chose the oral route
He had a hankering for a hummer
Wilbur’s load went in the Vaginal Road
His favorite choice is a moist new comer
And Walt, who was flirty, liked it down and dirty
So, he popped the Anal Highway
The tight enough to cry way
And he spanked and beat it like a drummer

Mistaken Ex
My Ex mistook boys for men, and thought I’d be a cuckold
They came at me with dicks in hand, thinking they’d be suckled
I made them all scream
I made them all ream
Then beat them senseless with a belt unbuckled

Alpha’s Bawdy Word Play: 3rd Installment

Here is the 3rd installment of Alpha’s bawdy word play, erotica, or tongue-twisters.

 

Delightful Disorder
I seek dishevelment of your dress
Eschew your clothing for wantonness
I care not if they be elegant or lavish
For it is you I love and lust; just you I wish to ravish
No lace to hide thy face; no silk and satin shield
I rip, shred, and cast asunder, yearning flesh to be revealed
Passion conquers patience, when Dom craves sub or slave
Tempestuous actions, wave upon wave
Till there’s nothing left of your attire
Just the burning flames of human desire
Not one fabric thread left upon skin
After romantic ravishing it would be a sin
But, there upon the neck you’ll find
An ornate metal collar: a symbol divine
Possessed and owned by the one who loves thee
Who equally bears his commitment about his neck…
In the form of a heart-shaped key

Cupid’s Cutie
Cupid cuddled with a cutie
In an unofficial duty
And he popped the cherry booty
Of this sexy little beauty
Imagine his surprise
When thru enamored eyes
He finally realized
The sexy booty cutie
Had seduced him with lies
After sex he had kissed her
And she had left and he had missed her
Then his body began to blister
An STD that began to fester
But here’s the real tester
Cupid’s cutie was his long-lost sister

Cleever the Beaver
Cleever the Beaver had a fever
And didn’t feel very well
And he felt like he would vomit from the unknown Comet
His mate has fed him for a spell
But Cleever the Beaver soon felt his mate was a deceiver
Which made him mad enough to kill
So, Cleever cleaved her, then heaved her
In various parts over-the-hill
Where Cleever the Beaver decided to leave her
With all her parts scattered around
Knowing all the parts would disappear
Cuz’ of all the scavengers that abound
Now, Cleever the Beaver has no fever
And he’s back to feeling well

Adam Bristol
Adam Bristol has a sex-pistol
He made it in shop class today
His sister, Crystal, demo’d the sex-pistol
And received an instant “A”
Adam went from nerd to top of the herd
Cuz’ of his orgasmic invention
He was even tagged a “bad boy”
And was given his first detention
The detention was just a ploy
Created by Principal Hatch
To try out Adam’s new toy
Deep within her hairless snatch
She whimpered and moaned
And screamed with delight
As he triggered the speeds
And topped her off right
Adam’s position continued to grow
His future looked quite bright
Maidenheads popped, with cool after-glow
And love and lust steadily ignite
Then bribes from moms and pops
Any amount to alleviate fears
Adam is not son-in-law material
But now he can afford his dream careers
The moral of the story regarding the sex-pistol
Is that anything that makes a happy girl or wife
Can give you the means to dream
And with dreams create your own happy life