Hard to Kill

[The following poem is nothing like the usual fare we post here. But long-time readers of our blog know much of my life has revolved around psychology and investigations, so this topic shouldn’t be too surprising.]

 

I never thought it would take so long
It turns out she’s rather hard to kill
But I don’t care how hard to kill she is
Nothing outlasts my mule-headed will

I tried killing her Monday
On Tuesday, I actually tried twice
I picked up a gun for Wednesday’s fun
In fact, I got two at half-price

I thought it would be done by noon
Then I figured it would be over by dusk
Two more failures, how does she do it?
Does she get a whiff of my musk?

I tried to push her off a cliff
Onto the wave-battered rocks below
Everything’s fine, then thoughts out of line
Was the push ill-timed? I’ll never know.

When she slept I tried to cut her
With a knife across the throat
But she opened her eyes at the just the right time
One more failure that I must note

But I’ll keep trying, I’ll never quit
Not till the day I do her in
In fact, I know what I’m going to try next
A Reaper’s Micky in her tonic and gin

There’s only room for one reality
So, she will always be my rival
It’s not a question of morality
Cuz’ she’s my split-personality
It’s strictly a case of survival

Two important questions on sub needs

Miriam at miriam the brave commented on my last post, and asked the following questions:

How do you know what a sub needs? Sometimes even the sub doesn’t know.

Do you fear that in her relying on you to meet her needs she will not be able to on her own in the unfortunate situation where you’re no longer around?

I felt that attempting to answer the questions with a few sentences in the comment section would seem trivial and do her an injustice. The questions are too important. In fact, an in-depth answer could fill a book, but that’s not appropriate for a blog, so I’ll give a condensed version.

Qualifications
First off, am I qualified to answer Miriam’s questions? After all, as the saying goes “opinions are like assholes, everyone’s got one.”

I have a degree and background in psychology. I have over a dozen years investigative experience, that includes four specialties, one of which covers domestic relations and abuse. I also have extensive experience in inner city problems: battered women and children shelters, various halfway houses, gangs, etc. And I have nearly two decades D/s experience and research.

1st Question: How do you know what a sub needs?
The average Dom and sub are not psychologists or psychiatrists; so, allow me to give the four primary ways (or tools) the average D/s couple deals with this issue: communication, observation, research, and professional counseling/guidance.

Communication
I wish to clarify that my answers are specifically for 24/7 D/s couples with a foundation of love (I don’t believe part-timers and/or those who stick with public venues, dungeons, play dates, and casual hook-ups will acquire the level of intimacy and trust necessary to accomplish this properly).

To get the complete benefit from the power exchange in a D/s relationship open, honest, and constant communication is imperative. By loving and respecting each other enough to expose your secrets, fantasies, flaws, and other vulnerabilities you’ll reinforce your foundation and build a level of trust necessary to confidently tackle any issue.

Every individual and couple are different; so, the time required to build such an intimate connection is going to vary. But speed is not important, go at a comfortable pace for each of you. What’s important is building the intimacy, trust, and communication levels. The time will be well spent. We all know or have heard of couples that are so close they can practically finish each other’s sentences (similar to the two becoming one biblical concept).

Observation
If you, the sub, are openly, honestly, and constantly communicating with your Dom, they should become well acquainted with your behavioral traits. They will equally pick-up more by living with you, and observing you constantly (if they are making the effort to do so). They will begin to gain an almost intuitive sense of your positive and negative behavioral traits. And this intimate and intuitive level of observation will be used in conjunction with communication and the other primary tools to help decipher the sub’s needs.

Research
If the sub is dealing with one or more specific mental, emotional, and/or physical problems it would behoove you, both Dom and sub, to research and gain as much knowledge about the issues as possible. Remember, knowledge is power. The more you know about what causes the issues and the best available solutions or treatments, the better your chance at making the best decisions for you, your situation, and relationship.

Professional help
Sadly, many people have had atrocious childhoods, abusive relationships, or multiple traumatic experiences in their lives, which can easily cause multiple issues to deal with. And these issues may run the gamut from physical to mental to emotional, and require medical or counseling professionals to properly deal with.

Similarly, if Dom and sub need help understanding any of the research they’ve acquired, it’s better to get help from competent professionals, instead of taking advice from laypersons (D/s or otherwise).

Putting it all together
If everything goes according to plan the Dom will gain an intimate, almost intuitive, knowledge of his sub through continuous communication and observation. The communication and observational knowledge will be constantly compared to the knowledge acquired through research and/or professional assistance. And decisions will be made based on the collective knowledge.

[*In situations where neither Dom nor sub knows what the sub needs, you need to keep utilizing the tools. Keep communicating, observing, researching, etc. And even make use of trial and error until the need becomes apparent. Some issues take longer than others, and some people take longer, especially if there are multiple issues to deal with. But never give up!]

Real world example
Soon after kat and I met I discovered she had dark depressive episodes, which she claimed lasted as long as 7-10 days on average. Since this was during the long-distance phase of our relationship I wouldn’t be able to rely on observation much, if any. However, from the very beginning, kat and I have had an uncanny level of communication. So, I began learning as much about her past and present situations, including emotions, thoughts, fantasies, dreams, everything.

As a trained observer and active listener, it soon became very clear to me that kat—who had endured a few intensely traumatic experiences, along with two long-term negative relationships, and numerous years of emotional abuse—was dealing with all the emotional pain through an inappropriate method which she had started using as a child.

She had built walls around the bad memories, and when the memories and pain broke through she completely shut-down. She felt that feeling nothing was better than feeling the pain. Unfortunately, such methods are negatives not positives. They don’t allow positive solutions which tear down the walls and get rid of the pain for good.

Kat is an intelligent and strong woman. Unfortunately, she didn’t realize she was inadvertently prolonging her suffering with the inappropriate survival methods, because she had fought through it all by herself. She had never gone for any counseling.

I admired her strength and resolve, but she needed help, and I had the training and experience to help her.

We discussed the situation and I initiated a very simple plan that would begin during our long-distance phase, and continue for as long as necessary when we came together. The plan only involved four steps, but I knew they would work for kat—but it would take time (especially since we began it long-distance).

The steps are as follows:

When kat begins to focus on negative thoughts and emotions she needs to immediately fight back with positive thoughts and emotions.

She must never shut me out when she’s shutting down.

We’ll both focus on making an abundance of positive memories together to combat the negative memories (because there has been such a huge imbalance in her life).

[*This waited until we got together.] If she succumbs to a dark episode I will utilize a method of cathartic release to snap her out of it before it gets a strong hold on her.

Did the plan work?
We haven’t been together very long. However, though she isn’t completely rid of everything, the plan is definitely working. Kat has only had a handful of dark episodes since we’ve been together: all of them early during the long-distance phase of our relationship. And yet, even when still long-distance, instead of the 7-10 day durations, like prior to our relationship, the longest episode was 3 days (most were just a day). And, while she still has bad days, she no longer shuts down, she continues to function, and she never shuts me out.

2nd Question: Do you fear that in her relying on you to meet her needs she will not be able to on her own in the unfortunate situation where you’re no longer around?
As a Dom, I do not fear this in my situation with kat, for several reasons. I’ve already mentioned that kat is a strong and intelligent woman. And from the beginning of our relationship, which is built on a solid foundation of unconditional love, we view ourselves as loving partners in all things, including D/s. And the plan I designed for kat’s depressive episodes can, for the most part, be carried out by kat alone if necessary: especially after she’s been doing it so long. And the goal is to cure her from the depression altogether, a goal which is progressing very well, as mentioned above.

However, if per chance something happened to me before she was cured, the parts of the plan that I handle can be slightly altered so that kat could carry on alone, or with a new partner.

Doms predominantly have the last word in D/s relationships, but that doesn’t mean subs should have no word, especially with situations dealing with their mental, emotional, and physical well-being.

I value kat’s opinion, and want her in-put on every major issue before I make the final decision. And I would hope that all D/s couples would work and communicate wonderfully together. This way, if the sub, Dom, or both have issues they will discuss, research, plan, and institute the best plan they can, and the sub never has to feel she’s kept in the dark.

Last word
I understand that this is a condensed version, but all couples, even those with multiple issues to combat, can make good use of it. Keep your love and communication strong. Make plans specific to the sub (do not follow mine, it was tailor-made specifically for kat), and that can be altered for the sub to use alone if the need arises. Institute, maintain, and adjust plans to needs that are known—and never stop searching for answers to needs that are presently unknown: and get help if you need to.

Good luck.

A Dom that doesn’t know how to serve can never lead

I recently ran across a site that made a point of showing so-called doms outrageously bullying subs through physical, mental, and emotional abuse. As someone with a background in psychology and investigations (along with being in D/s for many years) I saw nothing being done that could be beneficial. It went way beyond any kind of cathartic release. It was completely detrimental and degrading to the point that, in my opinion, it would cause far more mental and emotional harm to the subs. All it did was boost the egos and satisfy the sadistic natures of the so-called doms. And any sub that has bought into the lie that they can somehow be made whole from past experiences through an overabundance of humiliation and degradation is going to wake-up one day to find they’re far worse off now then they were before.

Wannabes and posers hear about the power exchange in D/s relationships and figure being a Dom is a perfect way to feed their egos while fulfilling fantasies. You’ll rarely, if ever, see them in loving D/s relationships. They prefer the consent and trust foundations with less emotional baggage. They often haunt public venues: dungeons, play parties, online hook-ups, etc. They like to be little dictators with lots of rules and protocols, and many reasons to be punished.

There are many similar examples in real world situations. The political dictators that rule by force and manipulation because they are incapable of legitimate leadership. Military officers, often without combat experience, that continually thrive on protocols, regulations, and an abundance of inspections, as if that will somehow allow them to be viewed as “good leaders.” Or, teachers and professors with no real-world accomplishments in their chosen fields gaining reputations for being rigid and domineering in class. Plus, other examples too numerous to mention.

Each of the aforementioned may be in positions of leadership but they are not leaders. Real leaders understand and accept the responsibility of leadership. They must serve and fulfill the requirements of their position, which includes taking care of those they have authority over.

Yes, in the D/s world, the sub must submit and obey the Dom. But the Dom has the responsibility to serve the relationship and sub by fulfilling the sub’s wants and needs while keeping them protected and safe.

Therefore, as the title of this piece states, “A Dom that doesn’t know how to serve can never lead.” After all, there is a huge difference between being dominant and being domineering.

D/s: Triggers, triviality, and trust

The D/s dynamic has the potential to create a level of trust between couples (Dom and sub) that cannot be achieved in any other relationship. However, there is no guarantee that every couple that begins a D/s relationship will attain the highest level of trust possible within the dynamic, because there are always extenuating factors to be considered, and dealt with, by each couple. Continue reading “D/s: Triggers, triviality, and trust”

D/s: Relationship Bond

One of the strongest relationship bonds in this world is the one formed by soldiers that live, train, and go into battle together. I have experienced the bond of brotherhood forged under adversity and fire. And I am still in contact with several of them a few decades after serving together.

However, I have discovered that the D/s dynamic has the potential for an even closer relationship bond when both the Dom and sub commit 100% to the relationship. The respect and trust built during a truly committed D/s pairing allows both Dom and sub to completely be themselves: no lies, no masks, no secrets, just complete acceptance by each other.

I have never found this in any other relationship. And, although I love my brothers-in-arms, and would die for them (as they would for me), there are still parts of me I would never tell them, or show them, but I have no such qualms with kat. She and I have a policy of complete honesty and openness regarding communication. However, it is a policy that can only work with a relationship built on a solid foundation of love, respect, trust, compatibility, and guarding intimacy (along with the aforementioned 100% commitment). Otherwise temptations can creep in that create cracks in the relationship foundation.

The power exchange in the D/s dynamic creates the need for a level of trust that you will never experience in a vanilla relationship. The sub relinquishes partial or total control of their body and certain areas of their life to the Dom. They trust the Dom with the responsibility for fulfilling their wants and needs, while keeping them protected and safe physically and emotionally. And both Dom and sub are expressing a level of vulnerability to each other by accepting the roles which allow them to be who they are without the accepted social norms of society infringing on their needs and desires. And how many vanilla relationships have you been in, or know of, that allow total freedom to express your deepest needs and desires?

Think of the trust level required by a sub to allow herself to be bound and gagged, or to be inspected at anytime by her Dom, or to be used and abused, especially with a pre-agreement of consensual non-consent. And what about the level of trust needed to turn over judgment and punishment of behavior to their Dom?

What about the Dom? Well, he’s showing a side of himself to the sub that no one else is allowed to see; which even includes exploring his own sexual desires, like having his sub stimulate the Male G-spot, etc. And while he’s dominating his sub he trusts himself to remain in control, in order to fulfill his responsibility to his sub and live up to her trust in him.

Caution

It is true that this type of relationship has the potential to surpass any other you’ve ever had, especially in the level of trust that can be built, and in the amount of rewards, sexual or otherwise. But like all worthwhile goals you must consider the risks versus rewards.

I have researched relationships, including D/s, from the psychological standpoint for many years. And I’ve had over a dozen years of experience investigating certain specialties. And a couple of things regarding successful D/s relationships stand out better than Godzilla thrashing Tokyo in the noon day sun.

Maturity

The maturity level of both Dom and sub plays a huge part in the longevity of D/s relationships, as with all relationships, but it is crucial in D/s because of the greater potential for physical and emotional injury.

In all the domestic cases I’ve handled that crashed and burned—vanilla and D/s combined—forty-two percent involved couples under thirty years old. But of the D/s relationships only, the percentage under thirty was 87%.

Why the huge disparity? Isn’t it obvious? Any relationship that has such an extreme power exchange needs to be handled with a greater level of responsibility and maturity.

JG: I became obsessed with doing every new thing I discovered. I pushed “CV” way beyond where she’d said stop. I was addicted to the power of it all. She had to do what I wanted. I took her past her limits. Hell, I totally disregarded her limits completely.

After several abuse of power episodes CV packed and left while JG was at work.

 TL: DD, D/s, BDSM is a trip. It’s all a real head rush. I ain’t ever giving it up. I’ve just had the wrong bitches so far. I want an Lg slave. That’s my dream. But too many tell ya’ they want the same thing, then can’t take it. Fuckin’ cry babies. I mean I want ‘um to cry, but when I make ‘um cry. Not when they whine…whine…whine…whine…whine!

TL used and abused four subs in seven months. The fourth filed charges against him.

CC: I major in women’s studies at (bleep) college. It’s really given me a great outlook on life and where I’m going. And being a Domme is a big part of that. But since I’m Bi, I have two subs: a slave girl (FM) and a panty boy (KT). I had another panty boy (AJ), but that little faggoty piss-pot is trying to get me in trouble. That’s why I’m here. He couldn’t take it. He just hates all women, that’s all. I should’ve seen it from the beginning, and I wouldn’t be in this mess.

CC filmed her sessions with AJ and put them online without his consent, and branded her initials on his penis while he was bound and gagged.

Power over another human without the maturity level to be responsible with that power is a disaster waiting to happen.

 

Foundation

The relationship foundation is critical to the success of any relationship, but especially for any relationship that has a power exchange. And I know I’ve said this many times, and will say it again because it really is that crucial.

If your relationship is not built on a solid foundation of love, respect, trust, compatibility, communication, and total commitment then you’re denying the truth and lying to yourself about the relationship’s potential. You’ll never have a successful loving relationship based on physical attraction and sex alone.

Last Word

My experience, observations, and all the research I’ve read clearly shows that couples that have already established a loving relationship (preferably longer than two years) have the best chance to succeed when they decide to integrate the D/s dynamic into their relationship. This does not mean that there are not exceptions to the rule, but even with the exceptions the maturity level of the participants is a major factor.