Fantasy Fulfillment and the Green-Eyed Monster

 

As stipulated many times before, this blog is written primarily for loving couples in D/s relationships, or others who desire such relationships. While we accept the right of others to live as they choose, we write from the perspective of keeping romantic pairings strong. And we stress couples having a loving foundation above all else, along with communication, compatibility, respect, trust, honesty, and other positive relationship attributes—and then using D/s to enhance the relationship that’s built on a solid foundation. Continue reading “Fantasy Fulfillment and the Green-Eyed Monster”

D/s: Personal Spanking Plan

Every individual and couple is different. Not only do they have different desires, needs, and goals, the subs equally have different pain tolerances, and the Doms have different skill levels. And there is one area that is predominantly overlooked by Doms within the D/s community, their sub’s primary learning process (to be discussed in a future post). Therefore, it is beneficial for each D/s couple to establish a Personal Spanking Plan. Continue reading “D/s: Personal Spanking Plan”

Guarding Intimacy

The Sanctity of a Relationship

I have learned through personal experience, observation, and psychological studies just how important guarding intimacy is within a loving relationship. Too many couples fail to see the hazards until they find themselves on the outside looking in, and wondering, how the hell did we end up like this?

Intimacy within a loving couple’s relationship encompasses every area of their life: mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually (and that doesn’t mean strictly religious, but does include it for those who are). And to borrow a spiritual term, this area of the relationship should be considered sacred, for the sanctity of the relationship remains intact when the couple guards their intimacy from any and all outside influences. This should be done in all relationships, but is extremely important in D/s or L/s style relationships because of the overwhelming misconceptions within society.

Outside Influence = Inside Interference

When one or both partners in a relationship begin to vent to relatives, friends, co-workers, or any Tom, Dick, or Harriet that will listen, they immediately corrupt the intimate communication between themselves while opening the doors for outside influence to create inside interference.

There are also times when that interference is not sought by either partner, it comes through relatives, friends, and others who do not understand the D/s or L/s dynamic, and believe they are acting on their loved one’s behalf. Predominantly this type of interference occurs by those who believe the submissive or supportive partner is being taken advantage of by the Dominant or Leading partner because they have bought into societal misconceptions.

However, it doesn’t matter how good the intentions are, if the outsiders are not professionals trained to view both sides objectively, it will inevitably cause more conflict.

How prevalent is the problem?

Personal Coach and Relationship Expert, Chris M. Lyon, and author of Leading and Supportive Love: The Truth About Dominant and Submissive Relationships, asked the respondents to her study what were the biggest problems they experienced with their L/s relationships. She said, “The overwhelming answer—nearly 80%—answered that issues with people outside of their relationship caused the most problems for the relationship.”

This figure is similar to every psychological and academic study I’ve seen regarding the topic: anywhere from 70 – 90%.

What about support networks?

It is all well and good to have support networks in the form of family, friends, etc. However, those networks should be utilized for areas other than you and your mate’s intimate life (unless there truly is abuse going on, and then you should not be with them anyway). You don’t do you or your mate any good by bringing outside influence into your intimate space—and that means all areas of intimacy, not just the bedroom.

Communication

Kat and I continually stress communication between partners on this blog, along with other key factors for maintaining a solid relationship foundation. This is just another area where open and honest communication shines. It is a mature couple’s best weapon to guard and maintain their intimacy from outside influences as well as internal problems that may arise between themselves.

Problems or potential problems can only be dealt with when they are out in the open. Never hold back from your life-partner.

 

Correlation between Music’s Benefits, Mood, and the D/s Experience

Music has been an integral part of my life since I was very young. I’ve played multiple instruments since childhood, and have performed professionally as a drummer, percussionist, guitarist, and singer: solo and in groups.

Like most people, certain types of music or specific songs can transport me to different times in my life, or trigger memories of events, both positive and negative. And I always have my favorite music selections for the type of day I’m having or the mood I’m in. But can it possibly go deeper than that?

Most of us have seen the Hollywood scenes with a man scurrying about the room quickly setting the mood with lighting and music before his lady arrives. We’ve also seen advertisers championing the benefits of buying the latest collection of romantic tunes, along with viewing females throwing their panties onstage for whatever “flavor of the month” music idol gets their juices flowing. And most of us have heard claims of research proving music’s ability to alter our mood in one form or another, a topic I studied briefly while going for my Psychology degree. So I naturally began wondering if there might be any correlation or benefit between music and D/s in general, as well as with my relationship to Kat.

What I discovered was that there are literally thousands of academic papers discussing the findings of hundreds of scientific experiments and psychological tests designed to clarify specific mood changes as a result of music. Everything from general questions about a positive or negative response to music to very specific questions, like “Can we pinpoint specific songs that inspire sex?” have been investigated by experts in the medical and psychological fields, businesses, and college professors and students.

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Types of research and their findings

A recent study from Durham University in the United Kingdom and the University of Jyväskylä in Finland found that even sad music brought comfort and pleasure to most listeners. Although, there was also a segment of the research group that experienced negative feelings and profound grief from the sad tunes.

A similar study, published in the Journal of Consumer Research, saw a strong trend with people preferring sad music during periods of personal loss. And the study’s authors concluded that it may give the listener a feeling of having an empathetic friend.

Another study published in the Journal of Positive Psychology (in 2013) discovered a very strong connection to improved moods and feelings of happiness when listening to upbeat and inspirational music.

Music therapy programs can easily be customized to enhance memory, manage stress, and alleviate pain claims the American Music Therapy Association.

Various studies confirm the AMTA claims, such as a review in The Lancet (in 2015) which established patients that listened to music prior to, during, and after medical procedures experienced less anxiety, pain, and required less medication, compared to people that did not listen to music. And the patients with the best results were those who selected their own music.

Another study validating the benefits of music therapy, published in the World Journal of Psychiatry, found that music therapy can potentially reduce depression and anxiety, while improving self-esteem, mood, and quality of life, and can be an effective treatment for mood disorders related to neurological conditions. And music therapy programs that include the creation of music, instead of just listening, are equally beneficial to the participants, claims Anthea Innes, Ph.D.

As technology continually advances, medical researchers are even discovering how the brain and music interact: allowing a better understanding of how music alters moods, influences emotions, and affects brain synopses.

A study conducted at the University of Groningen, in Northern Netherlands, by Jacob Jolij and assisted by Maaike Meurs, established convincing evidence to show how music genres have the ability to effect visual perception in a unique way. They discovered that the type of music a person listens to alters their perception of people. If they listen to positive upbeat music they perceive people to be a lot happier, while negative music creates a negative perception of people they see.

Research undertaken at Northwestern University by Nina Kraus, professor of neurobiology and a leading expert on the psychology of music, establishes a correlation between musical sounds entering our nervous system through the brainstem, where it translates into correlating brainwaves, and allows our bodies to naturally synchronize with music, similar to our constant, rhythmic heartbeats.

There are even studies that show how music lowers blood pressure and increases libido. A Long Island Conservatory study shows people that listened to familiar music they like have lower stress and blood pressure than individuals who listened to music they did not like. George Stefano, lead author of the study, claims, “The emotional response triggers a profound physiological response,” a feel-good system that allows individuals to relax.

This coincides with many studies showing that individual heart rate, ventilation, and arousal levels increase when listening to upbeat music with simple but dominant rhythmic structures. In fact, a study from California State University at Monterey Bay, found a strong correlation between hard rock and other raw and percussive style music and individuals craving physical stimulation and adrenalin highs. While other studies have shown that women who listen to music with sexually provocative lyrics place increased emphasis on sex appeal in potential partners. Sylvia Knobloch-Westerwick, Ph.D, claims, “They had been ‘primed’ to think about sexuality and were more likely to view everything from that perspective.” A finding that is backed up in other studies, like one conducted at the University of North Carolina, where they found test subjects listening to sexually suggestive music predominantly judged test profiles by physical traits instead of personality.

Additional studies show a direct correlation between listening to music and the release of dopamine, the pleasure hormone. And most adults know that sex releases dopamine. So it doesn’t take much imagination to figure out that combining sex and music can increase arousal and excitement levels.

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Correlation & Benefits to D/s

Although I was unable to locate any study or research specifically targeting music’s effects in D/s relationships, numerous studies—such as those listed above—have established many benefits from listening to music that is compatible with D/s relationships and activities, many of which I have personally experienced. But I’ll just point out the most obvious, in general terms:

Catharsis

Various conclusions from the known research show individuals receive various forms of cathartic release from listening to music. Catharsis may be in the form of emotional, mental, or physical release. And those of us in D/s know many of its benefits equally include cathartic release. And by combining the two—music and D/s—the benefits are enhanced.

Mind, Mood, & Emotions

Improved moods, reduced depression, stress management, better self-esteem, and feelings of joy, contentment, and happiness have all been achieved listening to specific types of music. And all can easily be found in loving D/s relationships. Therefore, combining the two would naturally have a positive impact on D/s couples.

Body Benefits

The vast amount of research, like those stipulated earlier, has established many positives relating to the body as a result of listening to music. Those positive results include, but are not limited to, the following: reduced physical stress, lower blood pressure, increased heart rate, improved ventilation, better digestion, improved muscle relaxation, and alleviating pain. And one of my personal favorites, the study that showed our bodies have a natural tendency to synchronize with music, especially with strong percussion, similar to rhythmic heart beats. And we all know that when your body functions improve it enhances every physical activity, including the activities D/s couples engage in.

Sexual Benefits

Although the above benefits—catharsis; mind, mood, and emotions; and body—can each contribute to better sexual intimacy, there are several research findings from the aforementioned list strictly tied to human sexuality. Those results include, but are not limited to, the following: physical arousal, a craving for physical stimulation and adrenalin highs, and altered visual perception (becoming more physical based instead of personality based in judging partners); and my favorite, the release of dopamine, the pleasure hormone.

D/s Chemical Cocktail

It is a fact that listening to music you love releases dopamine, the pleasure hormone. It is also a fact that sex releases dopamine. And now throw in the fact that D/s activities also include a certain amount of sex-oriented activities that spark enough pain to release endorphins (which allow a greater pain-to-pleasure endurance), and you have a nice Chemical Cocktail to enhance the activities of any loving D/s couple.

It is obvious that the right music can inspire you, keep you better focused, elevate your mood, energize your body, and stimulate your arousal. And then it adds an extra shot of dopamine, the pleasure hormone, just to help bring that arousal to an elevated climactic finish, solely, or in combination with D/s activities that release endorphins, for a sexually charged chemical cocktail.

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My Personal Music Plan

Throughout the day

Although I can function without music, I can easily feel the effects of prolonged periods with little or no music. It is such an integral part of my life that my mind, body, and emotions always perform better with a healthy supply of music throughout the day (and night, since I sleep better with soft music and instrumentals playing).

I have very diverse tastes in music. And I have found that most, but not all, music can be beneficial throughout the day if it is music that suits me, and is harmonious, melodic, and primarily upbeat with strong rhythms (to satisfy my love of percussion). But I also listen to a variety of instrumentals—primarily blues, jazz, classic rock, and classical—when I need to concentrate, because good lyrics have a tendency to draw my attention away from other things.

Setting the mood

The styles of music I listen to throughout the day can be used to set the mood throughout dinner and leading up to sex sessions, especially the instrumentals that allow for uninterrupted conversation, although I do favor rock ballads thrown into the mix—particularly if I want to serenade Kat (and we both like singing along with songs we love). And having a good time and enjoying each other is what it’s all about.

Anticipation

Although I’m a firm believer in foreplay beginning the moment you wake up, and how you treat your mate 24/7, we also know the time you take stimulating your mate emotionally, arousing her physically, and utilizing anticipation (through building up and denying or prolonging) is also called foreplay. And I like using soft rock, blues, and jazz tunes that have dynamic tempo changes to help alter the rhythm of our sexual play during the build-up and arousal period (along with the loving rock ballads thrown in for good measure).

Raw Passion

When the arousal is approximately half way to a fever-pitch there is no other music that gets me energized and keeps me going and going like the traditional raw style of hard rock and heavy metal. Electrifying musical energy with driving tunes and strong rock-solid beats help stimulate the raw passion that inflames my desire to pound pussy and ass until I hear whimpers, moans, and screams of pleasure.

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Final Word

Music is far more valuable than just being pleasant to your ears. The proven benefits of music can improve individual quality of life and enhance many activities we participate in, including those within D/s relationships. So let it improve yours; it’s meant to be turned on, tuned in, and turned up!

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D/s and the Male G-Spot

Prostate

The prostate gland is known as the male G-Spot; although it is not the exact corresponding equivalent to the female G-Spot. Since the female G-Spot is the internal or hidden section of the clitoris, you might assume the internal or hidden section of the penis (over one-third of the male organ) would be the corresponding equivalent to the female G-Spot. But such is not the case, even though stimulating the hidden section of the penis can be gratifying while enhancing orgasms.

The prostate gland—about the size of a walnut and positioned directly below the bladder—acquired the G-Spot title because of the seminal release triggered by stimulating the gland. Stimulation is often done through prostate/anal massage—often referred to as “milking the prostate”—or the use of adult toys, including implements specifically designed for that purpose.

Prostate Exam

Dominant Dilemma

A sizable percentage of Doms refuse to include prostate/anal massage in their sexual relations with subs or feel uneasy if they do, all because of certain stigmas that still accompany the act.

Even in the so-called Information Age, misconceptions abound, creating mental, emotional, and even physical barriers that hinder many Doms from enjoying male G-Spot stimulation. The two biggest misconceptions are as follows:

— Desiring any form of anal stimulation is a sign of homosexuality.

— Receiving anal stimulation from subs diminishes their dominance while empowering their subs.

Both beliefs are completely unfounded and predominantly arise from personal insecurities. Humans often latch onto excuses that appear to confirm predisposed beliefs, even without a shred of proof confirming the misconception, while there is a preponderance of evidence to disprove the misconception.

The predominant beliefs focusing on the origins of gender orientation (including homosexuality) —though diametrically opposed to each other—unanimously concur that anal stimulation has nothing to do with gender orientation.

As for D/s, the relationship dynamic is based upon a mutually agreed upon transference of power: a power exchange establishing a Dominant partner and a submissive partner. That dynamic remains in effect as long as both partners remain together in the D/s relationship. The power exchange does not flip-flop between partners (except in situations where the couples have chosen that option). Therefore the power exchange is always based on the relationship dynamic, not any form of sexual practice, position, or form of stimulation.

Benefits

Experts in the fields of medicine, psychology, and philosophy attribute various positive consequences resulting from prostate/anal massage. Positive consequences that include, but are not limited to, the following: prevention against prostate cancer, alleviating erectile dysfunction, release of emotional and physical stress, and enhanced sexual pleasure—including stronger orgasms.

Multiple Stimulation/Increased Pleasure

Every experienced Dom knows that combining multiple stimulations allows them to increase their sub’s arousal and produce stronger orgasms. Similar consequences are achieved when combining multiple stimulations for their own pleasure. And a variety of pleasures can be experienced through prostate/anal massage.

Although the prostate cannot be touched directly, it can be stroked, rubbed, or pressed through a thin membrane in the rectum. And while the membrane may diminish the sensitivity (like a form fitting condom or glove), the prostate lobes are extremely sensitive to pressure. And various forms of manipulation can create an equal variety of sensations, including the superb sensation predominantly felt during ejaculation.

One of the primary erogenous zones, the anus is connected and interlaced with millions of highly sensitive nerve endings. Therefore, the preparation and penetration of the anus (with fingers, adult toys, etc) creates various pleasures solely or in combination with prostate/anal massage.

Over a third of the penis—the internal root or base of the penis—is hidden inside the body. And at the innermost point the prostate sits atop the penile root. This allows both solo or combined stimulation of the prostate and hidden section of the penis for additional stimulation, which is greatly enhanced when combined with stimulation of the external or outer section of the penis—in any number of ways (manually, orally, etc).

Psychological pleasure is also achieved. Unlike certain beliefs—like the Tantric philosophy, which attributes the psychological high to the male going against his natural dominant position by placing himself in a vulnerable or submissive position—Doms retain their dominant psychological high through the perspective that the sub is servicing them; remember, the dynamic in D/s remains constant. For instance, it makes no difference whether the Dom is standing while getting a blow-job or lying on his back: they remain the dominant partner. So if he commands the sub to administer prostate/anal massage while giving him a blow-job on his back the D/s dynamic is still intact: and this again disproves the misconception that dominance is diminished through the enjoyment of prostate massage.

Positions for Prostate Massage

Any position is appropriate to Doms who realize the D/s dynamic remains constant in the relationship: on back, side, all-fours, standing, etc. However, some positions naturally portray a more dominant look and feel, and may be better suited for fledgling Doms of any age, or for Doms that prefer a more dominant look.

The three I prefer can be used solely or combined with masturbation, mutual masturbation, or oral sex:

— Dom standing with sub kneeling in front facing him

— Dom lying on back with sub kneeling between his legs

— Dom on all fours with sub lying underneath, with head below pelvic region

Safety & Preparation

Like all sexual activity, remember to be safe and take time to prepare properly. Keep clean and use an ample amount of water-based lube with any anal penetration. And take as much time as necessary to arouse and prepare for penetration (especially for first-timers).

Getting Started

Begin slowly until you gain a sense of familiarity and comfort with this method of stimulation. Try various positions and utilize prostate/anal massage in combination with other methods of sexual stimulation—my personal favorite is having it done while receiving a blow-job. And don’t forget to communicate with your sub throughout the procedure so that they become accustomed to what feels best for you; after all, a loving sub wants to please you as much as you want to please them.

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Additional Help

If you are not familiar with actual techniques there are many instructional articles and videos online that can be viewed to help you get started.