D/s: Triggers, triviality, and trust

The D/s dynamic has the potential to create a level of trust between couples (Dom and sub) that cannot be achieved in any other relationship. However, there is no guarantee that every couple that begins a D/s relationship will attain the highest level of trust possible within the dynamic, because there are always extenuating factors to be considered, and dealt with, by each couple. Continue reading “D/s: Triggers, triviality, and trust”

D/s: Relationship Bond

One of the strongest relationship bonds in this world is the one formed by soldiers that live, train, and go into battle together. I have experienced the bond of brotherhood forged under adversity and fire. And I am still in contact with several of them a few decades after serving together.

However, I have discovered that the D/s dynamic has the potential for an even closer relationship bond when both the Dom and sub commit 100% to the relationship. The respect and trust built during a truly committed D/s pairing allows both Dom and sub to completely be themselves: no lies, no masks, no secrets, just complete acceptance by each other.

I have never found this in any other relationship. And, although I love my brothers-in-arms, and would die for them (as they would for me), there are still parts of me I would never tell them, or show them, but I have no such qualms with kat. She and I have a policy of complete honesty and openness regarding communication. However, it is a policy that can only work with a relationship built on a solid foundation of love, respect, trust, compatibility, and guarding intimacy (along with the aforementioned 100% commitment). Otherwise temptations can creep in that create cracks in the relationship foundation.

The power exchange in the D/s dynamic creates the need for a level of trust that you will never experience in a vanilla relationship. The sub relinquishes partial or total control of their body and certain areas of their life to the Dom. They trust the Dom with the responsibility for fulfilling their wants and needs, while keeping them protected and safe physically and emotionally. And both Dom and sub are expressing a level of vulnerability to each other by accepting the roles which allow them to be who they are without the accepted social norms of society infringing on their needs and desires. And how many vanilla relationships have you been in, or know of, that allow total freedom to express your deepest needs and desires?

Think of the trust level required by a sub to allow herself to be bound and gagged, or to be inspected at anytime by her Dom, or to be used and abused, especially with a pre-agreement of consensual non-consent. And what about the level of trust needed to turn over judgment and punishment of behavior to their Dom?

What about the Dom? Well, he’s showing a side of himself to the sub that no one else is allowed to see; which even includes exploring his own sexual desires, like having his sub stimulate the Male G-spot, etc. And while he’s dominating his sub he trusts himself to remain in control, in order to fulfill his responsibility to his sub and live up to her trust in him.

Caution

It is true that this type of relationship has the potential to surpass any other you’ve ever had, especially in the level of trust that can be built, and in the amount of rewards, sexual or otherwise. But like all worthwhile goals you must consider the risks versus rewards.

I have researched relationships, including D/s, from the psychological standpoint for many years. And I’ve had over a dozen years of experience investigating certain specialties. And a couple of things regarding successful D/s relationships stand out better than Godzilla thrashing Tokyo in the noon day sun.

Maturity

The maturity level of both Dom and sub plays a huge part in the longevity of D/s relationships, as with all relationships, but it is crucial in D/s because of the greater potential for physical and emotional injury.

In all the domestic cases I’ve handled that crashed and burned—vanilla and D/s combined—forty-two percent involved couples under thirty years old. But of the D/s relationships only, the percentage under thirty was 87%.

Why the huge disparity? Isn’t it obvious? Any relationship that has such an extreme power exchange needs to be handled with a greater level of responsibility and maturity.

JG: I became obsessed with doing every new thing I discovered. I pushed “CV” way beyond where she’d said stop. I was addicted to the power of it all. She had to do what I wanted. I took her past her limits. Hell, I totally disregarded her limits completely.

After several abuse of power episodes CV packed and left while JG was at work.

 TL: DD, D/s, BDSM is a trip. It’s all a real head rush. I ain’t ever giving it up. I’ve just had the wrong bitches so far. I want an Lg slave. That’s my dream. But too many tell ya’ they want the same thing, then can’t take it. Fuckin’ cry babies. I mean I want ‘um to cry, but when I make ‘um cry. Not when they whine…whine…whine…whine…whine!

TL used and abused four subs in seven months. The fourth filed charges against him.

CC: I major in women’s studies at (bleep) college. It’s really given me a great outlook on life and where I’m going. And being a Domme is a big part of that. But since I’m Bi, I have two subs: a slave girl (FM) and a panty boy (KT). I had another panty boy (AJ), but that little faggoty piss-pot is trying to get me in trouble. That’s why I’m here. He couldn’t take it. He just hates all women, that’s all. I should’ve seen it from the beginning, and I wouldn’t be in this mess.

CC filmed her sessions with AJ and put them online without his consent, and branded her initials on his penis while he was bound and gagged.

Power over another human without the maturity level to be responsible with that power is a disaster waiting to happen.

 

Foundation

The relationship foundation is critical to the success of any relationship, but especially for any relationship that has a power exchange. And I know I’ve said this many times, and will say it again because it really is that crucial.

If your relationship is not built on a solid foundation of love, respect, trust, compatibility, communication, and total commitment then you’re denying the truth and lying to yourself about the relationship’s potential. You’ll never have a successful loving relationship based on physical attraction and sex alone.

Last Word

My experience, observations, and all the research I’ve read clearly shows that couples that have already established a loving relationship (preferably longer than two years) have the best chance to succeed when they decide to integrate the D/s dynamic into their relationship. This does not mean that there are not exceptions to the rule, but even with the exceptions the maturity level of the participants is a major factor.

Body Image

“I don’t know what you see in me.” — I’ve said this to Alpha many times —

Like most women, I struggle with body image issues. We all compare ourselves to the women we see in magazines (well-knowing they have been photoshopped and airbrushed), on television, in movies, and yes, even porn, and feel that we’re not good enough–breasts too small, butt not perky, tummy too round, icky love handles, and now, no six-pack abs. We know it’s unrealistic to think we can look like those women whose lives revolve around dieting, exercise, trainers, and plastic surgery (because their livelihood is tied to their bodies), and not around family, work, and limited finances. And if you’re a woman of “a certain age”, as I am, on top of everything else, you’re contending with gray hairs, wrinkles, and a traitorous body that is slowly creeping south.

Alpha tells me I’m beautiful in his eyes, that He could never see me as anything but beautiful, and that I’m perfectly imperfect for Him. He constantly reassures me of His love for me, and His desire for me. And I hear the sincerity in His voice, see it in His eyes. Still, I struggle.

Logically, I know what He means because I love Him, and in doing so, love His body. He has many scars from repeated surgeries that attempted, with limited results, to fix an injury He suffered in the military. And like me, He’s no longer a spring chicken…er…rooster. But I love every imperfection, every scar, every extra pound. I crave His body, love worshiping every inch of it with my fingers, lips, and tongue. I want that beautiful body sleeping beside me for the rest of my life.

He is my perfect sexy Alpha. Why is it so hard to see myself as His perfect sexy kat?

Emotional Reassurance: a Dom’s responsibility

Fulfilling our sub’s wants and needs, especially sexually, is an honor and a privilege for us Doms: not to mention a stroke to our ego and a hell of a fucking turn-on. But it’s also our responsibility to keep our sub protected and safe, and that doesn’t just mean physically. We need to remember their psychological and emotional stability as well. And I caution you to never overlook those areas, or get into the habit of taking them lightly—especially when you consider the fact that women, for the most part, are far more emotional than men. Continue reading “Emotional Reassurance: a Dom’s responsibility”

Cathartic Release

A Master Dom knows the right measure

Cathartic release through pain and pleasure

Spanked and flogged

Unhampered, unclogged

A de-stressing session is a true blue treasure

 

Stress is a killer that’s got to be defeated

A weekly release instituted and repeated

A sub that’s really cranky

Needs a Dom’s hanky panky

To bring emotional release, although physically treated

 

Skin on skin begins the perfect combination

Then paddle, belt, and flogger—or use imagination

Feel emotional rush

When the skin gets flush

So whack it, and smack it—no more hesitation

 

Pent-up stress is all that you destroy

With a cathartic release that you employ

So have no fear

When you whip that rear

The tears of pain will turn to tears of joy

 

Though cathartic release seems like a perfect invention

There’s one more thing I must surely mention

Don’t ever whack

Don’t ever smack

Unless it’s done with a loving intention

 

Anger will only add stress to the mix

And double the trouble you still need to fix

So don’t be rejected

Keep her safe and protected

And take her to sub-space with your loving bag of tricks