There is nothing inherently wrong with pursuing pleasure or attempting to fulfill a fantasy. I’ve definitely pursued those paths often. However, there are many factors within the D/s—BDSM world that need to be considered prior to pursuing the pleasure path or engaging in some fantasy fare. So many things can go wrong when you’re trying to connect with strangers for possible relationships, instant sexual gratification, or even so-called innocent play and bonding at public events.
I have handled hundreds of domestic and criminal cases over two decades as an investigator. And I’ve officially and privately researched thousands of cases involving D/s—BDSM: compiling a collection of cases for psychological studies.
There is an overabundance of evidence to show that too many individuals and couples fail to heed the warnings, discard common sense, and throw caution to the wind in the pursuit of pleasure. Such choices lead to physical, emotional, and psychological pain; destroyed relationships and/or undue burden on loved ones, and many other consequences including kidnapping, rape, and murder.
A sad truth in our society, even in the information age, is that most law enforcement officers, attorneys, and social workers are ill-equipped, poorly trained, or completely clueless with regard to cases involving a D/s dynamic. Most are misclassified, many deem the dynamic to be irrelevant, and others are noted but overlooked or missed entirely.
So, allow me once more to be the voice of reason. But first, I’ll relate some real-life examples to help inspire you to heed the warning.
CZ: A college coed who became interested in the D/s—BDSM community after a campus discussion involving various speakers in sex trades and alternate lifestyles. Her roommate said an incident with one of the speakers following the discussion was the catalyst that fueled an instant obsession: one she pursued in earnest.
She devoured information about the specific lifestyle she fantasized about, and made her first online hook-up at the end of the first week. She made four the second week, and another four the following week, but she would never make the final hook-up. Her body was found in a muddy ditch in a lightly wooded area near a construction site.
LW: A high-school student, he had a chance meeting with an older individual in a public restroom at a park. The encounter sparked a desire to pursue that type of activity further, but he wasn’t convinced that he wanted the whole lifestyle. Therefore, since he was a high-school student and athlete in a comparatively small rural town, he chose to pursue the fantasy in a larger city across the border in a neighboring state.
He set-up a meet with a male a few years older, but with a similar background as his. Unfortunately, it was a fake online persona. One man was a decoy, soon joined by three others. He was robbed, gang-raped, and beat mercilessly. He survived, but can never play sports again.
KI: A hardworking single-mother that found herself lonely and seeking companionship after the last of her two children married and left the nest. She tried a few blind-dates and dating sites with dismal results. But her time spent online led her to D/s—BDSM sites and blogs that portrayed the kink community far differently than the stereotypical Hollywood versions. The sites led her to local events, which appeared to have awakened desires that laid dormant for years.
The amount of activities she pursued in a relatively short period seemed to suggest what is termed “sub-frenzy.” Then she disappeared the day before her birthday. And the last known contact with family was a message to her sister, telling her not to worry if she couldn’t be reached, cuz’ she was about to have the sexiest birthday of her life.
Yes, a lot of pleasure can be had in the D/s—BDSM world as long as you take the time to become informed, and don’t discard the common-sense steps to remain protected and safe. And there are many good sites and blogs with posts covering ideas on how to remain safe. Do yourself a favor and google a few. You don’t want your path to pleasure bringing you into the arms of posers and predators.
I’ve seen the negative aftermath too many times, and researched many more. And, sadly, a vast majority of the horrific endings could have easily been prevented.