Wishful thinking

“Hey, Alpha,” said Fred. “How long do you think
you can keep up this D/s lifestyle?”
From now until then, the day that I die,
then in the hereafter, I say with a smile.

“I hear you squawk that mighty big talk,
but do you honestly think it’s for real?
Your sub has a say in how long you play,
and she may not feel like sealing your deal.”

The deal was set soon after we met
with the foundation of unconditional love.
We’ll have our play time, which may some day decline,
but the mindset and D/s dynamic still rises above.

A cornerstone of love, with honesty, respect, and trust;
plus, we’re mighty compatible, with communication the key.
So, the D/s lifestyle we’ve chosen will never be frozen,
we’ll keep it warm and active for all eternity.

It’s not about the sex, it’s about who we are,
even more to the point, it’s who we wish to be.
We feel it, we live it, we take it, we give it;
and if it brings happiness here, why not eternally?

 

D/s and the Christian belief

I continually come across blogs where someone with a Christian belief is questioning certain aspects of D/s with regard to their faith and beliefs. As a Christian, I too questioned the acceptability of many things when I considered a D/s relationship. In fact, I delved deep and studied every area that even remotely dealt with sex and relationships, because I knew I could never fully let go and enjoy the D/s relationship if it did not, or could not, fit within my faith and beliefs.

The hard truth is that there are definitely areas in the D/s world that are clearly unacceptable to a Christian belief. But there are areas within the D/s world that are acceptable to believers as well.

I can labor long and tediously spell out all the original definitions of the controversial words and topics, along with all the chapters and verses within the biblical texts, but I’ll spare you. I’ll just give a quick rundown on the most widely asked questions and concerns that I’ve come across in the blogs I’ve read.

Masturbation
Solo and mutual masturbation, along with including marital aids is acceptable.
[* And for any naysayers out there, don’t bother bringing up Onan. If you study that story in-depth you will see it has nothing to do with masturbation. He was condemned for disobedience to God, not a sex act.]

Anal
Anal play is acceptable between a man and woman/wife. It may not be politically correct, but it is biblically correct.

Spanking
It is never biblically denounced, and there are acceptable punishments shown, which leans toward acceptability.

Oral
Similar to anal, it is biblically allowed between a man and woman/wife.

Bondage and Discipline
No specific passages on this. However, when compared to other definitions and terminology a good argument can be found to accept milder forms of B&D, but there are areas of extreme B&D that definitely crossover to biblical unacceptability (like bloodletting, etc.).

Marital Aids/Sex toys
Never biblically denounced; it is acceptable within other biblically acceptable areas.

Pornography
Pornographic, nude, or sexual images that do not fall outside of biblically accepted norms are acceptable, but others are not.

Homosexuality
I think everyone knows that homosexuality is “politically correct” but not biblically correct.

Nudity/nudism
It is not denounced, and is acceptable within biblical boundaries.

Role-Playing
It is not denounced, and is acceptable within biblical boundaries.

Multiple Partners Simultaneously
There are certain sects within certain denominations that claim this is acceptable, but they do not do it strictly on a biblical basis, because it is biblically unacceptable.

Let me iterate, the answers given are for Christians that want to know if the specific sexual topics mentioned are biblically acceptable or not. It has nothing to do with political correctness, or any other belief.

Believer/Non-Believer
One thing I noticed in a lot of the blogs with biblical concerns was that a lot of them had a mate that believed and one that didn’t. As long as they have a foundation built on love, honesty, respect, and compatibility, and they communicate well together, they can have a successful D/s relationship. But the faith issue will definitely need to be discussed. And I speak from experience, because kat and I are “unequally yoked,” as the saying goes. However, I’m going to address it from more of a psychological standpoint.

I caution the non-believing mate (especially if it’s the Dom), do not selfishly push the believer into areas that will force them to go against their beliefs. You might convince them to do it for “love” or for “you.” But is it really love, or just your fantasy?

In the long run you may damage their faith, and they will eventually resent you (because they’ll eventually feel guilt or shame for going against their God).

Is it worth it? After all, as their mate (especially a Dom), you’re supposed to care about them, and what makes them happy and gives them peace—plus keeps them protected and safe. Just like they choose to do for you, especially subs, that choose to submit to you physically, their husband/mate, like they spiritually submit to God.

To Submit Or Not To Submit

When Alpha and I first met, I had never heard of D/s; sure, I was somewhat familiar with BDSM, but not D/s. Nor D/s relationships, 24/7 or otherwise.

When we were in the “getting to know each other” stage, he told me he was an alpha. I assumed he meant that he was a take charge sort of guy, which I liked because in my previous two serious relationships, I became the one in charge by default. Both partners wanted a mama, not a wife.

Alpha and I were a little farther in (both had expressed our love for the other) before he introduced the subject of D/s, and told me that in the long term, for him to be completely happy in our relationship, he required submission from me. So, I set out to learn all I could about D/s, both from Alpha and my own research. And what I discovered troubled me: according to what I read, I was not a natural submissive.

Yes, I wanted a man I respected, who was a leader, but…

I didn’t want or need a micromanager telling me how and when to do everything. I didn’t want rituals, supervision, a list of dos and don’ts with punishment meted out for infractions (which, to me, would put me on the level of a child). And I sure didn’t want to sit on the floor at a man’s feet, naked with a plug up my butt while he sat on a comfy couch, reading or watching TV—not that I have anything against butt plugs per se.

The more I read, the more I realized it was not in my nature to be a submissive.

When I brought up what didn’t sit well with me to Alpha, he told me that most of the things I was concerned about weren’t important to him. But he was steadfast in his requirements: he would be head of the household, all final decisions would rest with him, though he would always want my input; in our home and alone, I would dress a certain way, or if he wished, wear nothing at all; that my body belonged to him, to do with as he pleased; and that I would always treat him with respect (as he would me), and if I failed to do so, he would punish me.

Punish me…that was a little hard to swallow. But I did because I loved him. And respected him.

For an intimate relationship to succeed, it requires compromise, and doing our best to meet our partner’s wants and needs. Alpha made it his mission to know me inside and out, to know what the woman and little girl in me needed emotionally and physically to be happy, and he provided it. I knew I could do no less for him.

So I gave him my submission.

I kneel to him to show my respect. I wear his collar to symbolize his ownership of me. I take his hand and let him lead me down the “kinky” path to sexual fulfillment, sometimes a little hesitant as to where it may be going, but always sure he’ll keep me protected and safe.

Yes, I give him my submission. But he gives me so much more.

Alpha & kat’s D/s Code:

There is self-discovery through pleasure and pain for those willing, and with the courage, to take the journey.

Relationship bonds strengthen through shared vulnerabilities.

Unconditional love, respect, and total acceptance of your mate earns the trust necessary for Dom and sub to freely be themselves without the need for masks of any kind.

Constant communication, honest and heartfelt, binds the elements of the D/s dynamic and transforms Dom and sub into a cohesive pair: a symbiotic relationship with each reciprocating positive-for-positive.

Arousal Non-concordance

Have you ever been really turned on, quivering and shaking, literally begging your Dom, “Please, please, please, fuck me now, Daddy (or Sir or Master)!” And he says, “Not yet, kitten (or whatever his pet name is for you), not till you’re soaking wet.” And you are not. Maybe he thinks you’re not aroused at all—after all, the proof is in the pudding…er…wetness of the pussy—when in fact you’re about to spontaneously combust.

Or your Dom wants you to try something new, and it doesn’t really do anything for you, but he thinks you’re not being honest because you got wet. Again, wetness = arousal.

This is called arousal non-concordance. It’s nothing new; science has been aware of it for quite some time. And it happens to both women and men, though a much higher percentage of women are affected. It happens when arousal (the subjective feeling of desire) and genital response differ.

All genital response says (in both women and men) is that the genitals are reacting to something they perceive as sexually relevant, and it doesn’t have to be something that turns you on. For instance, pressure against the genitals—think riding a bike or tight pants—can get a reaction. Even watching porn with content that disgusts you can trigger a response. And so can rape. Your genitals—not your brain—perceived a sexual relevance.

Arousal, which is the subjective feeling of desiring/enjoying a sexual activity, takes place in the brain, while genital response takes place in the genitals. And only about 10% of the time do they overlap in women. It’s around 50% of the time for men.

The beauty of D/s is that in this situation you have ample time for your body or mind to play catch-up, to sync. Sex in a D/s relationship is not hurried, it’s slow and sensual, an erotic feast of sensation. There’s no rush to the finish line.

Alpha believes in the school of thought that “foreplay begins after the last orgasm”. When we’re together, he constantly feeds my arousal through words, deeds, and touch, which are not necessarily of a sexual nature. He knows women, knows their arousal is very much based on emotion. He knows he needs to pull my mind and body together for us to have mind-blowing sex. And he knew this before either one of us had heard of arousal non-concordance.

I think arousal non-concordance is more of a problem for vanilla couples than ones who practice D/s, although it still can happen. But if it does, just slow down…maybe request a mind fuck (Works for me!), and reach for the lube. And above all, don’t stress about it.