Make-Up Sex: Does it live up to the hype?

[Allow me to stress, as I often do, that this blog is primarily targeting loving couples in a 24/7 D/s relationship.]


Contrary to Hollywood’s scripted outcomes, the testosterone testimonies and campus confessions of coeds-gone-wild, and lackadaisical writers filling space or spitting out sound-bytes, make-up sex isn’t the perfect cure-all for all relationship problems. But far too often couples still buy into the hype.

Grandiose claims are everywhere, like Lauren Martin’s article entitled, “Why make-up sex is the best part of every relationship.”

Martin claims “fighting is just a precursor to sex,” that “fighting is no longer cold…but so, so hot” in the “realm of love.” She further claims, “We’d be lying if we said that most of us haven’t picked a fight for that special reconciliation that comes right after it.”

If true, what does that say about human relationships, or the species in general? Yet, there are those who obviously accept such superficiality.

In a Men’s Fitness article by Amber Madison, entitled, “The guy’s guide to make-up sex,” she gives a four-point plan on how to zip through the fight with one goal in mind—to get to the sex quicker!

Well, it’s nice to know they have their priorities straight. Though I imagine these same deep thinkers probably wonder why their relationships fall apart, and why there’s a fifty-percent divorce rate.

Sex is a weak foundation
I have never seen or heard of a successful life-long relationship built solely on a foundation of sex.

Sure, sex can be passionate, exciting, playful, kinky, and many other things; but no sex, no matter how good, can sustain a relationship alone.

Even if you could engage in sex two hours a day, every day, that is still only one-twelfth the time you and your mate are together. And what happens when it becomes less and less time having sex? Or, when adjustments have to be made, along with times with no sex, because of illness, injury, or age

Where does that leave people like Martin, who claim make-up sex is the best part of every relationship?

Stronger foundation
Loving relationships should be built on much stronger foundations. They need to be built on a solid foundation of unconditional love, and fortified with compatibility, constant communication, honesty, trust, and mutual respect. Sex, especially in D/s relationships, should be used to enhance the loving relationship that is solidly grounded and fortified.

Make-up sex is no cure-all
There are situations where make-up sex seems to shine, but that still does not make it a positive.

In an article entitled, “5 Things No One Tells You About Make-Up Sex,” by Elizabeth Enochs, she claims make-up sex can be “superhot,” but only if arguing over something “stupid and trivial,” like whose turn it is to take out the trash. She goes on to say, “…in my limited experience, relying too much on make-up sex to smooth things over with your partner is both unhealthy and unsatisfying in the long-run.” And she further contends that if sex is used “to avoid talking about problems, or you frequently replace apologizing for inappropriate behavior with post-fight sex sessions,” it will almost always disappoint you, as well as damage your relationship.

Martin acknowledges the negatives, but takes a cavalier attitude. She says, “Of course, make-up sex can many times just be a diversion from the real problem. Instead of talking, couples are taking to the sheets and the problems aren’t getting resolved. But who cares?” (emphasis added)

Well, obviously she doesn’t care. And how many other relationships fall into disrepair because of such foolish beliefs?

In a Psychology Today article, Seth Meyers (Psy.D), states, “In general, make-up sex is bad news because it reinforces fighting and emotional drama.” However, he does stipulate that, “In a healthy relationship, two people can come together after a disagreement and share physical intimacy because they feel close.” But he goes on to say, “the search for greater intimacy and trust isn’t what motivates most make-up sex.” He claims, “most make-up sex results from having felt and expressed extreme negative emotions during a heated argument, without any true resolution afterward.” The individuals “hunger to switch gears and jump to the opposite end of the spectrum—to feel the high that comes with making up.” And for emphasis, he contends, “Honestly, it’s not that different from an addict who needs a hit of cocaine.”

Unfortunately, for relationships, it can be just as destructive as a drug addiction.

KG: It started slow, but picked up steam quickly. We were like sparring partners, bantering with words until someone said something bad enough to begin the fight. Boom! It was on. But then I didn’t care. I’d let her think she’d won just to fucking get it on.
(KG’s relationship was over just shy of a year.)

BP: We both had fiery tempers. We fought a lot. It made for great sex. Passionate, ya’ know. But nothing ever got settled. So, we split.

SY: Every weekend like clockwork, he’d drink then pick a fight. It was a game, a damn game. I knew because he never ever wanted to seriously discuss anything. Then he used that ‘never go to sleep angry’ line to push for make-up sex. And he wouldn’t stop till he got it, no matter how long it took. So, I gave it up just to shut him up—but I hated every minute of it. And soon hated him just as bad.

False intimacy
The intensity some people feel during make-up sex is often misconstrued as loving intimacy. Sadly, it is not.

Meyers states, “During make-up sex, couples often express extreme positive emotions, and they reach a momentary state of bliss. They declare grand statements of love and feel, in that moment… they belong together.”

Meyers rightfully contends that is not real intimacy. “Intimacy is about mutual love and balance, while drama is about extremes and fantasies.”

Allow me to state once more, make-up sex is no cure-all, and it’s not real intimacy. In fact, it is usually after couples have experienced the passionate sexual release that they go the other way: they feel sad, depressed, and even lonely when all the unresolved issues come crashing back into their minds, along with the old feelings.

Too many negatives
In my research, observation, and experience, I’ve come to the conclusion that make-up sex has too many negatives in the long-run.

For the most part, it fails to resolve the issues argued about, and it will not make you forget the issues when they come crashing back after the sexual stimulation settles.

The actual sex act rarely lives up to the hype; and even when it does, the unresolved issues bring disappointment and frustration. And when make-up sex sucks it compounds the issues even more.

Likewise, too many couples think make-up sex is an appropriate substitute for apologies and communication. They are wrong on both counts. Such beliefs and actions teardown respect and trust.

Similarly, the couples that succumb to the addictive qualities of make-up sex, discussed by Meyers, develop an unhealthy habit that eventually takes its toll on the relationship.

In my opinion, and the preponderance of evidence seems to back it up, the only time make-up sex shows any value is following trivial arguments (like whose turn it is to walk the dog), or when the argument topic is actually a lack of sex.

Last word
If you build your relationship on a solid foundation of unconditional love, and fortify it with compatibility, constant communication, honesty, trust, respect, etc., you will be able to deal with problematic issues appropriately. Such a foundation also allows for a vibrant sex life that can be passionate, playful, exploratory, completely satisfying—lacking nothing. You will not need to be tempted with the myth-factor of make-up sex which, in the long-run, does more harm than good. In fact, loving couples that communicate well, and resolve issues quickly have better sex lives (quantity and quality) then couples that argue a lot with many unresolved issues. And they spare each other the hurt feelings.

Hopefully, you’ll make your choice based on your heart and mind, and not on your libido.

Fantasy Fulfillment and the Green-Eyed Monster


As stipulated many times before, this blog is written primarily for loving couples in D/s relationships, or others who desire such relationships. While we accept the right of others to live as they choose, we write from the perspective of keeping romantic pairings strong. And we stress couples having a loving foundation above all else, along with communication, compatibility, respect, trust, honesty, and other positive relationship attributes—and then using D/s to enhance the relationship that’s built on a solid foundation. Continue reading “Fantasy Fulfillment and the Green-Eyed Monster”

Bottom Topping

Everyone has experienced it

Bad days, we all have got ’um

But what do you do when your sub has one…

and starts topping from the bottom?


I’m not talking about being a bit frisky

That can be an arousing distraction

I’m talking about total disrespect

A foul mouth intentional infraction


It often begins with a snide remark

Then they get sassy with no sign of stopping

So how long is too long when this begins…

when your sassy sub starts bottom-topping?


Should it matter what season it is…

winter, spring, summer, or autumn?

Your sub should submit in all seasons

It’s not natural to top from the bottom


Having a bad day is just no excuse

To create a need for relationship mopping

And it’s your responsibility as the Dom

To crackdown on your sub’s bottom-topping


As soon as the infractions begin

The buns of your sub, you should swat ‘um

She must bear your marks for every offense

The consequence for topping from the bottom


The power exchange… both accepted the roles

And it’s bad for your sub to try swapping

It causes a decline in the D/s dynamic

Whenever a sub starts bottom-topping


If your sub spouts off without much thought

Consider it a minor infraction

Punish her quick, but forgive her quicker

You’ll inspire some D/s satisfaction


But if your sub was intentionally bad

And you took a belt to her bare bottom

If she’s still not contrite perhaps there should be

Additional punishment that reminds her of Sodom

A Man’s Word: Consistency and Respect

Although what I have to say can benefit all, I am primarily speaking to Doms.

There is something good to be said about traditional values when it comes to relationships, yes, even with D/s relationships. And while I have constantly mentioned a strong foundation of love, communication, and trust (among others), I would like to stress a couple more that I see lacking so much in modern-day relationships: consistency and respect.


I come from a line of very proud men, men of their word, and men of integrity.

My maternal grandfather was Native American. He endured a lifetime of cruelty and disadvantages because of a corrupt system, and was eventually sent off the reservation during the so-called “New Deal” in the system’s attempt to make him a non-Indian. But no matter what the system did it could not break his spirit. He was a man of his word, a man of integrity, and he eventually overcame all obstacles laid in his path. He became successful on his terms, not theirs. And he never had to sacrifice his word, integrity, or honor.

My paternal grandfather was the son of a soldier. His father was a hero who gave his life defending his country during World War II. And when his widowed mother ran away with every man that would show her a good time, my grandfather (as the eldest child) had to take care of his five siblings in war torn England. It was a responsibility he took very seriously. And he passed it on to my father, who taught me.

I was taught that my word is my bond, a bond far superior to ink on a piece of paper (which lawyers continually find ways around). And I was taught my actions solidified that bond. And a man is not a man if he breaks his word, shames his honor, or loses his integrity.

Past Relationships

Though I am specifically dealing with males in this post, the continued loss of honor and integrity in our society in each successive generation takes its toll in all areas, including relationships.

My life-mate and sub, kat, is the most special person in my life. She is more compatible to me than anyone I’ve ever known. Our communication level is about as flawless as two imperfect beings can be. And I love her unconditionally. But that does not imply that we have not had bumps in the road to overcome. And the predominant reason has nothing to do with how I have treated her, but how she has been treated by other males before I came into her life.

The mistreatment by males from her past has kat constantly questioning my motives, even though she’ll be the first to admit I’ve never given her cause to question me. She knows that when I make a promise I keep it. She knows that when I say something I back it up with my actions. And she knows that honor and integrity are extremely important to me, because that’s how I was raised by male role models I loved and respected.

Unfortunately, what has happened to kat by males in her past is a common occurrence with many women. Males breaking promises, not true to their word, and saying anything just to get what they want. There are too many males that disrespect their women in numerous ways. Too many males that speak of pride, but it’s a false pride, for they lack integrity, and have no honor.

Is it any wonder that many women have trust issues? And yes, I know that many men can say the same thing for the present day lack of integrity in females. But it is our responsibility, as Doms, to fulfill the wants and needs of our subs while keeping them protected and safe. So it is imperative that we gain their trust or they will never truly feel protected and safe. And without feeling protected and safe, they will never truly open up and give all of themselves to us and the relationship. And that’s what the D/s dynamic is all about, allowing both Doms and subs to open up and freely be who they are.

Inconsistent and Disrespectful

One of the quickest ways to spot doms that are novices, wannabes, or posers is to see their inconsistency and disrespect toward their subs. And you see this far more with those drawn to the public outlets and play sessions than for those that make it their lifestyle (for obvious reasons).

Consistent and Respectful

Mature and experienced Doms understand their responsibilities as the dominant partner, and take those responsibilities seriously. They know that consistency is a critical factor in building trust with their sub. They will go out of their way to make sure their actions mirror their words. And if they do not feel they can fulfill a promise, or cannot honestly guarantee that they can fulfill a promise, they will not make the promise. In those situations, they may simply promise to do the best that they can—which subs should also do when led into an area that’s new to them (like kat does when I introduce her to a new area within the D/s world, since this is her first D/s relationship).

Mature and experienced Doms likewise show respect to and for their subs at all times; and that includes relationships where subs yearn for, and agree to, humiliation during sessions (because it is the Dom’s responsibility to fulfill the sub’s wants and needs). Subs are always to be treated with respect within the agreed upon parameters.

For those, like kat and I, who do not pretend or merely participate in the play sessions, but include the D/s dynamic within our lifestyle, respect is crucial. She is not merely a play thing brought out for sessions; she is my soul-mate, my partner, my best friend, my confidante, my muse, and so much more. And she has grown to trust me because she has continually seen my actions mirror my words, my promises (big or small) are always kept, and I respect her at all times in all areas.

Last word

Traditional values often receive a bad rap in a progressive society. But when it comes to honor, integrity, and being true to your word, men with traditional values outshine the alternatives hands-down. They treat women with respect and take their responsibilities seriously. And if you want to be a proper Dom always be consistent with your word and respectful to your sub. It will earn the trust that’s needed for a good D/s relationship to succeed.

Guarding Intimacy

The Sanctity of a Relationship

I have learned through personal experience, observation, and psychological studies just how important guarding intimacy is within a loving relationship. Too many couples fail to see the hazards until they find themselves on the outside looking in, and wondering, how the hell did we end up like this?

Intimacy within a loving couple’s relationship encompasses every area of their life: mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually (and that doesn’t mean strictly religious, but does include it for those who are). And to borrow a spiritual term, this area of the relationship should be considered sacred, for the sanctity of the relationship remains intact when the couple guards their intimacy from any and all outside influences. This should be done in all relationships, but is extremely important in D/s or L/s style relationships because of the overwhelming misconceptions within society.

Outside Influence = Inside Interference

When one or both partners in a relationship begin to vent to relatives, friends, co-workers, or any Tom, Dick, or Harriet that will listen, they immediately corrupt the intimate communication between themselves while opening the doors for outside influence to create inside interference.

There are also times when that interference is not sought by either partner, it comes through relatives, friends, and others who do not understand the D/s or L/s dynamic, and believe they are acting on their loved one’s behalf. Predominantly this type of interference occurs by those who believe the submissive or supportive partner is being taken advantage of by the Dominant or Leading partner because they have bought into societal misconceptions.

However, it doesn’t matter how good the intentions are, if the outsiders are not professionals trained to view both sides objectively, it will inevitably cause more conflict.

How prevalent is the problem?

Personal Coach and Relationship Expert, Chris M. Lyon, and author of Leading and Supportive Love: The Truth About Dominant and Submissive Relationships, asked the respondents to her study what were the biggest problems they experienced with their L/s relationships. She said, “The overwhelming answer—nearly 80%—answered that issues with people outside of their relationship caused the most problems for the relationship.”

This figure is similar to every psychological and academic study I’ve seen regarding the topic: anywhere from 70 – 90%.

What about support networks?

It is all well and good to have support networks in the form of family, friends, etc. However, those networks should be utilized for areas other than you and your mate’s intimate life (unless there truly is abuse going on, and then you should not be with them anyway). You don’t do you or your mate any good by bringing outside influence into your intimate space—and that means all areas of intimacy, not just the bedroom.


Kat and I continually stress communication between partners on this blog, along with other key factors for maintaining a solid relationship foundation. This is just another area where open and honest communication shines. It is a mature couple’s best weapon to guard and maintain their intimacy from outside influences as well as internal problems that may arise between themselves.

Problems or potential problems can only be dealt with when they are out in the open. Never hold back from your life-partner.