As Dom it’s my responsibility

The necessities of daily life and time spent away from your mate can easily create situations that may affect your relationship. This can happen to anyone, not just those of us in D/s relationships.

Job, family, kids, health problems, and times apart can sap your energy and steer your focus away from your mate.

The recent incident involving kat occurred during a period when a combination of issues commanded more of our time.

Since the new year began I have endured two emergency room visits, which led to hospital stays of several days each, along with rehabilitation time and multiple doctor visits. And this came after taking on an extra project for an organization I belong to (that I spoke about in a prior post). Plus, kat and I spend extended periods with me out of state.

Kat does her best to help in this partnership, but as Dom, it is my responsibility to try and keep everything running as smoothly as possible during these periods; including allotting enough time and energy for kat and the relationship. But in the latest situation the extenuating factors mentioned above clouded my eyes to some warning signals that I normally catch.

This does not absolve kat of willfully choosing to do something she knew was wrong. We’re both firm believers in accountability for our choices and actions. She knows this, accepted it, and has atoned for her actions.

I could have made her punishment harder, but I took the extenuating circumstances into consideration.

I equally held myself accountable, extenuating circumstances or not, for my lapse in observation and judgment. The fact that I was going through a healing period, was responsible for a new project, and away from kat for extended periods is no excuse.

The responsibility ultimately falls on the leader. And I am kat’s Dom and take that responsibility seriously.

Since this situation has occurred I’ve instituted several protocols and duties for kat, along with additional Dom duties for myself, in an effort to keep our relationship a top priority at all times. And to counter the detrimental effects caused by the daily grind and other influences.

It’s too early to tell how these additional measures will fare against new obstacles. But they have already pulled kat and I closer. We have even joked about having that “new love feeling and spark” all over again. And that alone makes the extra effort worth it.

Time Crunch

I read a blog recently—I would name it if I could remember it, but we read so many blogs that I’ve forgotten which it was—that mentioned a big career change and the person’s fears surrounding it, including the fear of not being able to give enough time to their mate.

Well, I’ve recently found myself in a similar situation. I’m not changing positions, I’m adding another position to the three positions I already hold with the organization.

The project could make a big difference to the organization and the small community. And, since it was my idea, and I’m the only person with sufficient skills and experience, I couldn’t very well turn down the position when the project was approved.

Presently, the project is in the final preparation stage prior to launch. So, as you can imagine, it’s occupying a lot of my time. And, as an Alpha, I still want to fulfill my other responsibilities.

Inevitably, with more to accomplish there is less time to get it all done. That includes relationships. And I definitely don’t want anything coming between me and kat.

Kat is always supportive with things I choose to do, and this situation is no exception. However, she was going through one of her depressed spells when this project began, and I was still recovering from bronchitis. So, I worried if the diminished time together would compound the issues and create an emotional distance.

Those who follow our blog know I’m a stickler for constant communication and guarding intimacy in order to maintain a positive emotional connection between us, while keeping our foundation of unconditional love solid.

We couldn’t devote the same amount of time, but we did and do make time everyday to communicate and connect. It’s something we’ve done from the beginning of our relationship. In fact, my day never feels complete until we connect daily.

Kat and I have often given up sleep time to ensure we get enough time to communicate and connect. And, let me tell you, maintaining that connection is one of the best things for the relationship we’ve ever done.

We’ve all heard variations of the cliché regarding time, that if you don’t have quantity make sure the time you spend together is quality time. And I cannot stress it enough, because it’s worth the effort. After all, preventing problems before they occur is much easier and less detrimental to the relationship than cleaning up problems once they’ve burst onto the scene.

It also helps to have a mate that agrees arguments are a waste of time. Yes, communication needs to be constant, but it also needs to be respectful. Though kat and I have different beliefs, and disagree on certain issues, we’ve never had an argument or fight, because we love and respect each other. And that’s a winning combination.

So, while I may still worry from time-to-time about having enough time for kat as this new project moves forward, I’m content to know what time we have will be used wisely.

A Dom that doesn’t know how to serve can never lead

I recently ran across a site that made a point of showing so-called doms outrageously bullying subs through physical, mental, and emotional abuse. As someone with a background in psychology and investigations (along with being in D/s for many years) I saw nothing being done that could be beneficial. It went way beyond any kind of cathartic release. It was completely detrimental and degrading to the point that, in my opinion, it would cause far more mental and emotional harm to the subs. All it did was boost the egos and satisfy the sadistic natures of the so-called doms. And any sub that has bought into the lie that they can somehow be made whole from past experiences through an overabundance of humiliation and degradation is going to wake-up one day to find they’re far worse off now then they were before.

Wannabes and posers hear about the power exchange in D/s relationships and figure being a Dom is a perfect way to feed their egos while fulfilling fantasies. You’ll rarely, if ever, see them in loving D/s relationships. They prefer the consent and trust foundations with less emotional baggage. They often haunt public venues: dungeons, play parties, online hook-ups, etc. They like to be little dictators with lots of rules and protocols, and many reasons to be punished.

There are many similar examples in real world situations. The political dictators that rule by force and manipulation because they are incapable of legitimate leadership. Military officers, often without combat experience, that continually thrive on protocols, regulations, and an abundance of inspections, as if that will somehow allow them to be viewed as “good leaders.” Or, teachers and professors with no real-world accomplishments in their chosen fields gaining reputations for being rigid and domineering in class. Plus, other examples too numerous to mention.

Each of the aforementioned may be in positions of leadership but they are not leaders. Real leaders understand and accept the responsibility of leadership. They must serve and fulfill the requirements of their position, which includes taking care of those they have authority over.

Yes, in the D/s world, the sub must submit and obey the Dom. But the Dom has the responsibility to serve the relationship and sub by fulfilling the sub’s wants and needs while keeping them protected and safe.

Therefore, as the title of this piece states, “A Dom that doesn’t know how to serve can never lead.” After all, there is a huge difference between being dominant and being domineering.