D/s: Self-Discovery after an Unhealthy Beginning (Part One)

This is an unusual post for me, since I will touch on an incident that I have only told one person (kat) in my life. It took place long ago and has lost its main power-hold over me; although, I must admit it is still a little embarrassing to me because of my alpha personality. Even though my mind tells me I was only 15 (less than half the age of my manipulator) the alpha in me still has a hard time admitting I was manipulated.

 

My D/s journey began during my teen years in a time before the “information age.” Back then you could not use a computer, I-pad, or smart phone to connect to the web: letting you fingers surf online with keyboard and mouse to find an overabundance of fetish fare.

I suppose you can say I was initiated into D/s the “old-fashioned” way. An older woman—who I later learned was married—plucked me from my fairly normal vanilla world of teen sex and immersed me into the darker world of kink.

She had recognized my natural alpha personality while observing me dealing with others my age. And she decided to open my eyes to the world of D/s by guiding me into a dominant position. In other words, she topped from the bottom in order to get the satisfaction she craved.

Now, for any of you who think I’m bragging because of my young age at the time, allow me to set the record straight. This woman used her age, experience, and education to seduce me…along with her position of authority, because she was one of my teachers. That’s how she continually observed my actions with others my age. I even found out later that she had a Xeroxed copy of my education file.

I had personal issues and was expelled from every local high school. So, I was eventually sent to a continuation school two cities away from where I lived, where this woman taught.

With her instruction and my alpha personality, it didn’t take long before I assumed control in the bedroom. However, she used a combination of seduction, veiled threats, and various rewards to keep the relationship going.

Unlike today, this was during a time when you did not constantly hear of teachers getting busted for sexual-misconduct with students. Plus, no one wanted to believe a woman was capable of such behavior (which is still the case in some areas). And on top of that, no teenage male (especially an alpha) wants to admit he was taken advantage of by a female.

Fortunately, for me, I’ve always been a quick learner. So, I didn’t just learn how to become dominant in the bedroom. Since I figured I was stuck in the relationship for a while, I decided to take advantage of it. I countered her techniques with similar ones of my own: especially the veiled threats.

In exchange for not exposing her to the cops, school, and her husband she gave me control over her body, along with various other rewards. And she willingly agreed. Sure, she didn’t want to be exposed, but she truly craved the rough sex. After all, she initially broke the law in order to get me to fulfill fantasies and scratch a sexual itch her hubby wasn’t taking care of. And you can bet I made sure the sex continued to get rougher until I severed all ties with her at the end of my junior year, when I enlisted in the military.

One of the last things I did prior to getting on the plane, was send a short letter, an audio cassette, and a half-dozen photos to her hubby. And from that point on I never looked back (except during a period of introspection many years later and while completing my psychology degree). I became a member of an elite military unit and had no time for such things. And, to this day, I don’t know what her hubby did with the information.

I grew-up, moved beyond that negative period, to a point it no longer mattered. Although, there is a part of me that hopes her hubby did not just require a “pound of flesh,” but actually made a few calls.

As a natural alpha, I will most likely never find a way to look favorably on the woman that initiated me in the D/s world, because of the anger and sense of powerlessness—or rather power loss, since I still had power among peers—that I had to overcome. But, I must admit, that D/s would become an integral part of my life from that point onward.

I attempted to compensate for the initial feelings of lost power in the unhealthy relationship with the teacher early on. I took what I learned of D/s—BDSM and used it in relationships with girls my age. It fed my need to dominate, which I had to grow into and fight for in the unhealthy relationship.

Unfortunately, because of the unhealthy relationship (and another incident), I would abstain from a 24/7 D/s lifestyle for a very long time.

I participated in D/s while playing the field. And, since my first marriage only lasted a few years and left the proverbial “bad taste” in my mouth regarding long-term relationships, I spent over a decade and a half playing the field before considering another long-term relationship.

During that period, I dated a lot. Most of those dates were with vanilla girls that might accept a little kink now and then. But, the law of average equally made sure girls in the areas of grey-to-black crossed my path from time-to-time. And with each D/s encounter I took the opportunity to expand my knowledge, because it continued to feed needs within me.

Sure, it fed my need to dominate, along with satisfy fantasies, but it also got me back in touch with my need to satisfy the wants and needs of the submissive female, while keeping them protected and safe.

D/s also allowed me to regain my love and respect for women, which had been damaged as a result of the unhealthy relationship. It likewise helped me reconnect and transition back into society after being wounded in the military. And it equally helped me become more accepting of my inner and outer scars through the acceptance I witnessed from legitimate practitioners in the D/s—BDSM world.

My long-term, on-again off-again, participation in D/s has truly been a journey of self-discovery… which I will continue discussing in Part Two of this piece, that will be posted Friday.

The Stranger

As a child I spent hour upon hour, day after day, contemplating an alien mystery. My mind’s eye conjured countless images of the elusive being that had the power to change ordinary people into raving lunatics, ravenous beasts, or simply strike them dumb with some strange catatonic malady—after suffering shivering, quivering fits. And the only name I knew it by was Evil-O.

Continue reading “The Stranger”