Humble Pie

Humble—

The dictionary defines humble as: “having a feeling of insignificance, inferiority, subservience, etc.” when it is used as a noun; when used as a verb: “to make meek: to humble one’s heart.” There are other variations of definitions, but these two are the ones that speak to me.

A few days ago, I had to eat a big slice of humble pie, and I’m still feeling the effects; metaphorically, I’m still suffering horrible indigestion. And it has humbled me.

I won’t go into details (though Alpha has the right if he so chooses), too embarrassing for me to share even here where I can hide behind the veil of anonymity; but I will say I disrespected Alpha big time, and now I’m paying for it—or will pay for it. We’re in separate states right now, but when he gets home, I’m in for the spanking of my life. And I deserve whatever punishment he chooses to mete out…and probably more. But the physical punishment will pale in comparison to the anguish I feel in my heart.

I feel ashamed, embarrassed, and humbled because of what I did. And strangely enough, extremely submissive. Alpha handled the situation with his usual aplomb, never once raising his voice or showing anger; the man is the most unflappable person I’ve ever known. Yes, he let me know I had screwed up, that he was hurt, and there would be a price to pay; but he never berated me. I yearn to kneel before him, tell him I’m sorry (again), and hold out the belt to him. And when he comes home, I will do just that.

I’m not an old hand to D/s—Alpha being the only man I’ve ever submitted to—and how I’m feeling because of my horrible transgression has surprised me. Yes, I’m his sub, but I’ve never felt this level of submission before. I’ve never felt this level of reverence for Alpha before; yes, I have always respected him, but now it has gone deeper.

And I wonder why this has happened, why I feel even more deeply now that Alpha is my Dom and I am his submissive, that I am His, body, heart, and soul. Why would my screw-up cause my feelings to intensify?

I don’t understand it, but I think Alpha is pleased—not with my action, but how it ultimately affected my submission. He has always told me that he saw the submissive in me almost from the beginning, but I had my doubts if it was truly in my nature. But judging by how I’m feeling now, I have to admit that maybe he was right all along.

But it took the right man to draw it out of me: Alpha…my Dom…my Daddy.

Alpha’s response is here

Trust

I’ve never been a trusting sort, especially when it comes to men. Too many times I’ve been hurt by the very ones who should have, above all others, protected me. Too many times I’ve had men who were in supposedly committed relationships hit on me. So sadly, by the time Alpha came into my life, I was pretty well soured on the opposite sex, and had no intention of investing in a relationship again. I swore to myself: never, ever, ever!

And then I met Alpha, and we became friends. And honest to God, in the beginning that’s all I thought we’d ever be. But quickly, friendship blossomed into love.

But I didn’t fully commit. I didn’t trust.

Circumstances forced us to be apart so often early in our relationship, that we got to know each other mainly through emails and phone calls. And it was during one of those long, nightly calls that Alpha told me he was an alpha male, and in subsequent ones that he desired a D/s relationship with me. I thought, er…okay…I guess…

We didn’t rush right into it. It was a gradual process of getting to know each other even better, of Alpha encouraging me to tell him my past, my thoughts, my fears, my hopes, my dreams, my fantasies. And he told me his. In all this talking (and writing), we found out how compatible we were, from basic core beliefs, to what we wanted in life, to what turned us on.

I didn’t realize at the time—though I’m sure Alpha knew—that opening ourselves up to one another as we had is a key part of D/s. That being able to share your bad side (sharing the good is easy), all those pathetic, ugly, uncharitable thoughts and feelings you keep locked away for fear you won’t be loved if you are honest, is one of the greatest gifts one person can give another. They know the very worst of you and still love you. You can let your guard down; you can trust.

And that carries over into sex. You don’t have to have a killer body because your body is loved just as it is. Just. As. It. Is. Because it houses you. The you that D/s requires you to share. You can trust.

And to me, that is the crux of D/s: trust. Trusting the other person to do their best, day after day, to put you above all others, to do what is best for you, to not hurt you, to be your defender and champion in a world that seems hell bent on crushing you. To love you unconditionally. And to give you lots of cuddles, spankings and amazing sex.

I have never been known by anyone as Alpha knows me. I have never trusted anyone as I do Alpha. He makes me feel worthy.

On my own, I would never have considered a D/s relationship; in fact, until I met Alpha, I had never heard of it, just BDSM (and wasn’t into it). But now that I’ve experienced D/s and the closeness it fosters, I can’t imagine Alpha’s and my relationship any other way. Past vanilla relationships pale in comparison. And who in their right mind would ever want to go back after experiencing a bond that unites you in mind, body, and soul? Not me!

Make-Up Sex: Does it live up to the hype?

[Allow me to stress, as I often do, that this blog is primarily targeting loving couples in a 24/7 D/s relationship.]

 

Contrary to Hollywood’s scripted outcomes, the testosterone testimonies and campus confessions of coeds-gone-wild, and lackadaisical writers filling space or spitting out sound-bytes, make-up sex isn’t the perfect cure-all for all relationship problems. But far too often couples still buy into the hype.

Grandiose claims are everywhere, like Lauren Martin’s article entitled, “Why make-up sex is the best part of every relationship.”

Martin claims “fighting is just a precursor to sex,” that “fighting is no longer cold…but so, so hot” in the “realm of love.” She further claims, “We’d be lying if we said that most of us haven’t picked a fight for that special reconciliation that comes right after it.”

If true, what does that say about human relationships, or the species in general? Yet, there are those who obviously accept such superficiality.

In a Men’s Fitness article by Amber Madison, entitled, “The guy’s guide to make-up sex,” she gives a four-point plan on how to zip through the fight with one goal in mind—to get to the sex quicker!

Well, it’s nice to know they have their priorities straight. Though I imagine these same deep thinkers probably wonder why their relationships fall apart, and why there’s a fifty-percent divorce rate.

Sex is a weak foundation
I have never seen or heard of a successful life-long relationship built solely on a foundation of sex.

Sure, sex can be passionate, exciting, playful, kinky, and many other things; but no sex, no matter how good, can sustain a relationship alone.

Even if you could engage in sex two hours a day, every day, that is still only one-twelfth the time you and your mate are together. And what happens when it becomes less and less time having sex? Or, when adjustments have to be made, along with times with no sex, because of illness, injury, or age

Where does that leave people like Martin, who claim make-up sex is the best part of every relationship?

Stronger foundation
Loving relationships should be built on much stronger foundations. They need to be built on a solid foundation of unconditional love, and fortified with compatibility, constant communication, honesty, trust, and mutual respect. Sex, especially in D/s relationships, should be used to enhance the loving relationship that is solidly grounded and fortified.

Make-up sex is no cure-all
There are situations where make-up sex seems to shine, but that still does not make it a positive.

In an article entitled, “5 Things No One Tells You About Make-Up Sex,” by Elizabeth Enochs, she claims make-up sex can be “superhot,” but only if arguing over something “stupid and trivial,” like whose turn it is to take out the trash. She goes on to say, “…in my limited experience, relying too much on make-up sex to smooth things over with your partner is both unhealthy and unsatisfying in the long-run.” And she further contends that if sex is used “to avoid talking about problems, or you frequently replace apologizing for inappropriate behavior with post-fight sex sessions,” it will almost always disappoint you, as well as damage your relationship.

Martin acknowledges the negatives, but takes a cavalier attitude. She says, “Of course, make-up sex can many times just be a diversion from the real problem. Instead of talking, couples are taking to the sheets and the problems aren’t getting resolved. But who cares?” (emphasis added)

Well, obviously she doesn’t care. And how many other relationships fall into disrepair because of such foolish beliefs?

In a Psychology Today article, Seth Meyers (Psy.D), states, “In general, make-up sex is bad news because it reinforces fighting and emotional drama.” However, he does stipulate that, “In a healthy relationship, two people can come together after a disagreement and share physical intimacy because they feel close.” But he goes on to say, “the search for greater intimacy and trust isn’t what motivates most make-up sex.” He claims, “most make-up sex results from having felt and expressed extreme negative emotions during a heated argument, without any true resolution afterward.” The individuals “hunger to switch gears and jump to the opposite end of the spectrum—to feel the high that comes with making up.” And for emphasis, he contends, “Honestly, it’s not that different from an addict who needs a hit of cocaine.”

Unfortunately, for relationships, it can be just as destructive as a drug addiction.

Testimonies
KG: It started slow, but picked up steam quickly. We were like sparring partners, bantering with words until someone said something bad enough to begin the fight. Boom! It was on. But then I didn’t care. I’d let her think she’d won just to fucking get it on.
(KG’s relationship was over just shy of a year.)

BP: We both had fiery tempers. We fought a lot. It made for great sex. Passionate, ya’ know. But nothing ever got settled. So, we split.

SY: Every weekend like clockwork, he’d drink then pick a fight. It was a game, a damn game. I knew because he never ever wanted to seriously discuss anything. Then he used that ‘never go to sleep angry’ line to push for make-up sex. And he wouldn’t stop till he got it, no matter how long it took. So, I gave it up just to shut him up—but I hated every minute of it. And soon hated him just as bad.

False intimacy
The intensity some people feel during make-up sex is often misconstrued as loving intimacy. Sadly, it is not.

Meyers states, “During make-up sex, couples often express extreme positive emotions, and they reach a momentary state of bliss. They declare grand statements of love and feel, in that moment… they belong together.”

Meyers rightfully contends that is not real intimacy. “Intimacy is about mutual love and balance, while drama is about extremes and fantasies.”

Allow me to state once more, make-up sex is no cure-all, and it’s not real intimacy. In fact, it is usually after couples have experienced the passionate sexual release that they go the other way: they feel sad, depressed, and even lonely when all the unresolved issues come crashing back into their minds, along with the old feelings.

Too many negatives
In my research, observation, and experience, I’ve come to the conclusion that make-up sex has too many negatives in the long-run.

For the most part, it fails to resolve the issues argued about, and it will not make you forget the issues when they come crashing back after the sexual stimulation settles.

The actual sex act rarely lives up to the hype; and even when it does, the unresolved issues bring disappointment and frustration. And when make-up sex sucks it compounds the issues even more.

Likewise, too many couples think make-up sex is an appropriate substitute for apologies and communication. They are wrong on both counts. Such beliefs and actions teardown respect and trust.

Similarly, the couples that succumb to the addictive qualities of make-up sex, discussed by Meyers, develop an unhealthy habit that eventually takes its toll on the relationship.

In my opinion, and the preponderance of evidence seems to back it up, the only time make-up sex shows any value is following trivial arguments (like whose turn it is to walk the dog), or when the argument topic is actually a lack of sex.

Last word
If you build your relationship on a solid foundation of unconditional love, and fortify it with compatibility, constant communication, honesty, trust, respect, etc., you will be able to deal with problematic issues appropriately. Such a foundation also allows for a vibrant sex life that can be passionate, playful, exploratory, completely satisfying—lacking nothing. You will not need to be tempted with the myth-factor of make-up sex which, in the long-run, does more harm than good. In fact, loving couples that communicate well, and resolve issues quickly have better sex lives (quantity and quality) then couples that argue a lot with many unresolved issues. And they spare each other the hurt feelings.

Hopefully, you’ll make your choice based on your heart and mind, and not on your libido.

D/s: Comparing Foundations

At a well-known fetish event held yearly in San Francisco an alleged BDSM master was asked what foundational qualities he preferred in a new sub he was beginning a relationship with. Without hesitation, he said, “I prefer them alive, with a wet pussy, tight ass, and the ability to suck a golf ball through a garden hose.”

That answer places him, thankfully, in the minority—approximately two-percent of those participating in the D/s-BDSM world—where a variety of foolish and selfish foundational ideas exist.

The other ninety-eight percent of us—anyone with an IQ over 50—adhere to one of two primary foundational beliefs: the consent and trust foundation or the love foundation.

Consent and Trust
In the introduction to Dom’s Guide to Submissive Training Vol.2, by Elizabeth Cramer, the author claims the following: “There are two foundational pillars of a BDSM relationship between a Dom and a sub: consent and trust. Everything else in the relationship—the fun, the love, the discipline, the eroticism, the tears and the journey—are all built on these standards.”

Approximately forty-eight percent of D/s-BDSM practitioners adhere to this foundational belief. And the vast majority that adhere to this belief were attracted to the lifestyle prior to the relationships.

The kink, the fetish, the dark side is a powerful magnet that can easily seduce individuals with unmet sexual needs and fantasies. Thus, many people gain entrance into the D/s-BDSM world through a variety of outlets strictly catering to sexual fulfillment.

Private clubs, parties, dungeons, play groups, fetish fairs and kink conventions, along with Fet-Life and other fetish related social sites, and various other outlets introduce many people to the D/s-BDSM world while encouraging anything imaginable in couplings. And the universal belief is…as long as the participants are consenting adults and trustworthy, anything goes.

Love
A very wise person, my grandmother, once told me the following: “Never commit to a relationship that isn’t solidly built with a foundation of love.”

Love cannot guarantee a successful relationship, nothing can, but statistically it has a far better chance of succeeding than any other foundation.

Approximately half of all practitioners of D/s-BDSM adhere to the belief of a love foundation. The lion’s share that adhere to this belief were already in a committed relationship prior to participation in the D/s-BDSM world.

Many of these couples turned to D/s-BDSM to spice up a declining sex-life or explore fantasies or personality traits in one or both mates.

I let kat know early—during the long-distance phase of our relationship—that I have a natural Alpha personality. And, while I prefer relationships that include the D/s dynamic, it must first be built on a solid foundation of love.

Choosing Between the Two Primary Beliefs
If you are an individual or couple interested in pursuing a D/s-BDSM relationship, make sure you take into consideration your specific wants and needs. The best time for introspection and preparation is always before you commit to a new venture. You would think such planning was logically obvious, and yet, people dive into life-changing situations constantly with little or no thought given to the consequence of their actions.

TK was introduced to BDSM through porn, which inspired him to seek out ways to participate directly. Online connections led to play groups and dungeons, and it quickly became apparent to him that his main goal was sexual gratification in as many ways as possible with as many willing partners as he could get. So, consent through the basic contracts, and trusting both parties will adhere to the contracts is the most that he can commit to at this point in his life.

LY & PY were married eleven years before they considered including D/s into their relationship. It was not an easy decision to make. Their vanilla marriage had been mostly positive, but the transition to middle-age played heavy on PY’s self-image and belief that she’d failed to express her true self: her fantasies always included submission, both sexually and non-sexually. But LY finally consented after a lengthy period of communication, as long as the marriage remained traditional with the foundation of love retaining priority over the D/s dynamic. That change occurred six-years ago and is still going strong.

Last Word
Though I’ve always been partial to relationships built on a solid foundation of love—and all available statistics show relationships built on a loving foundation last longer than others—I can see the appeal of a consent and trust foundation for individuals that are more self-centered. If the goal is sexual gratification a foundation built on consent and trust alleviates the deep emotional attachment that committed love brings to relationships.

Just be sure you truly know what you need and want so you can choose the best foundation for you.

I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Won’t Do That)

We are music lovers…

Alpha plays drums and guitar, and has a beautiful voice; I, on the other hand, can’t sing worth a flip, doing good just to stay in tune (and play no instruments). But music has always been a big part of both our lives, both before and after we met.

Some time ago, we began sending songs to each other, via links to YouTube videos, as another way of expressing our love and devotion. Early in our relationship, knowing my mistrust of men in general, Alpha sent me “I Would Do Anything For Love” sung by Meat Loaf and Lorraine Crosby. And it became our song.

If you’re not familiar with the words, listen closely. I think every woman, whether in a D/s relationship or vanilla, wants a love like this song enbodies.