D/s: Comparing Foundations

At a well-known fetish event held yearly in San Francisco an alleged BDSM master was asked what foundational qualities he preferred in a new sub he was beginning a relationship with. Without hesitation, he said, “I prefer them alive, with a wet pussy, tight ass, and the ability to suck a golf ball through a garden hose.”

That answer places him, thankfully, in the minority—approximately two-percent of those participating in the D/s-BDSM world—where a variety of foolish and selfish foundational ideas exist.

The other ninety-eight percent of us—anyone with an IQ over 50—adhere to one of two primary foundational beliefs: the consent and trust foundation or the love foundation.

Consent and Trust
In the introduction to Dom’s Guide to Submissive Training Vol.2, by Elizabeth Cramer, the author claims the following: “There are two foundational pillars of a BDSM relationship between a Dom and a sub: consent and trust. Everything else in the relationship—the fun, the love, the discipline, the eroticism, the tears and the journey—are all built on these standards.”

Approximately forty-eight percent of D/s-BDSM practitioners adhere to this foundational belief. And the vast majority that adhere to this belief were attracted to the lifestyle prior to the relationships.

The kink, the fetish, the dark side is a powerful magnet that can easily seduce individuals with unmet sexual needs and fantasies. Thus, many people gain entrance into the D/s-BDSM world through a variety of outlets strictly catering to sexual fulfillment.

Private clubs, parties, dungeons, play groups, fetish fairs and kink conventions, along with Fet-Life and other fetish related social sites, and various other outlets introduce many people to the D/s-BDSM world while encouraging anything imaginable in couplings. And the universal belief is…as long as the participants are consenting adults and trustworthy, anything goes.

Love
A very wise person, my grandmother, once told me the following: “Never commit to a relationship that isn’t solidly built with a foundation of love.”

Love cannot guarantee a successful relationship, nothing can, but statistically it has a far better chance of succeeding than any other foundation.

Approximately half of all practitioners of D/s-BDSM adhere to the belief of a love foundation. The lion’s share that adhere to this belief were already in a committed relationship prior to participation in the D/s-BDSM world.

Many of these couples turned to D/s-BDSM to spice up a declining sex-life or explore fantasies or personality traits in one or both mates.

I let kat know early—during the long-distance phase of our relationship—that I have a natural Alpha personality. And, while I prefer relationships that include the D/s dynamic, it must first be built on a solid foundation of love.

Choosing Between the Two Primary Beliefs
If you are an individual or couple interested in pursuing a D/s-BDSM relationship, make sure you take into consideration your specific wants and needs. The best time for introspection and preparation is always before you commit to a new venture. You would think such planning was logically obvious, and yet, people dive into life-changing situations constantly with little or no thought given to the consequence of their actions.

TK was introduced to BDSM through porn, which inspired him to seek out ways to participate directly. Online connections led to play groups and dungeons, and it quickly became apparent to him that his main goal was sexual gratification in as many ways as possible with as many willing partners as he could get. So, consent through the basic contracts, and trusting both parties will adhere to the contracts is the most that he can commit to at this point in his life.

LY & PY were married eleven years before they considered including D/s into their relationship. It was not an easy decision to make. Their vanilla marriage had been mostly positive, but the transition to middle-age played heavy on PY’s self-image and belief that she’d failed to express her true self: her fantasies always included submission, both sexually and non-sexually. But LY finally consented after a lengthy period of communication, as long as the marriage remained traditional with the foundation of love retaining priority over the D/s dynamic. That change occurred six-years ago and is still going strong.

Last Word
Though I’ve always been partial to relationships built on a solid foundation of love—and all available statistics show relationships built on a loving foundation last longer than others—I can see the appeal of a consent and trust foundation for individuals that are more self-centered. If the goal is sexual gratification a foundation built on consent and trust alleviates the deep emotional attachment that committed love brings to relationships.

Just be sure you truly know what you need and want so you can choose the best foundation for you.

I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Won’t Do That)

We are music lovers…

Alpha plays drums and guitar, and has a beautiful voice; I, on the other hand, can’t sing worth a flip, doing good just to stay in tune (and play no instruments). But music has always been a big part of both our lives, both before and after we met.

Some time ago, we began sending songs to each other, via links to YouTube videos, as another way of expressing our love and devotion. Early in our relationship, knowing my mistrust of men in general, Alpha sent me “I Would Do Anything For Love” sung by Meat Loaf and Lorraine Crosby. And it became our song.

If you’re not familiar with the words, listen closely. I think every woman, whether in a D/s relationship or vanilla, wants a love like this song enbodies.

D/s: Triggers, triviality, and trust

The D/s dynamic has the potential to create a level of trust between couples (Dom and sub) that cannot be achieved in any other relationship. However, there is no guarantee that every couple that begins a D/s relationship will attain the highest level of trust possible within the dynamic, because there are always extenuating factors to be considered, and dealt with, by each couple. Continue reading “D/s: Triggers, triviality, and trust”

He Is

He is the smile in my days
the sigh in my nights
the howl in the darkness
the laugh in the light.

He is the beating of my heart
the pounding in my veins
the breath in my lungs
the dopamine in my brain

He is the fever in my loins
the calmness in my soul
the joy in my heart
the fruition of life’s goal

He is the hope that lifts me
the trust that keeps me safe
the faith that moves me
the dream of a better place

He is the roads I walk
the places I’ve never been
He is my salvation…
….and my greatest sin

 

A Man’s Word: Consistency and Respect

Although what I have to say can benefit all, I am primarily speaking to Doms.

There is something good to be said about traditional values when it comes to relationships, yes, even with D/s relationships. And while I have constantly mentioned a strong foundation of love, communication, and trust (among others), I would like to stress a couple more that I see lacking so much in modern-day relationships: consistency and respect.

Integrity

I come from a line of very proud men, men of their word, and men of integrity.

My maternal grandfather was Native American. He endured a lifetime of cruelty and disadvantages because of a corrupt system, and was eventually sent off the reservation during the so-called “New Deal” in the system’s attempt to make him a non-Indian. But no matter what the system did it could not break his spirit. He was a man of his word, a man of integrity, and he eventually overcame all obstacles laid in his path. He became successful on his terms, not theirs. And he never had to sacrifice his word, integrity, or honor.

My paternal grandfather was the son of a soldier. His father was a hero who gave his life defending his country during World War II. And when his widowed mother ran away with every man that would show her a good time, my grandfather (as the eldest child) had to take care of his five siblings in war torn England. It was a responsibility he took very seriously. And he passed it on to my father, who taught me.

I was taught that my word is my bond, a bond far superior to ink on a piece of paper (which lawyers continually find ways around). And I was taught my actions solidified that bond. And a man is not a man if he breaks his word, shames his honor, or loses his integrity.

Past Relationships

Though I am specifically dealing with males in this post, the continued loss of honor and integrity in our society in each successive generation takes its toll in all areas, including relationships.

My life-mate and sub, kat, is the most special person in my life. She is more compatible to me than anyone I’ve ever known. Our communication level is about as flawless as two imperfect beings can be. And I love her unconditionally. But that does not imply that we have not had bumps in the road to overcome. And the predominant reason has nothing to do with how I have treated her, but how she has been treated by other males before I came into her life.

The mistreatment by males from her past has kat constantly questioning my motives, even though she’ll be the first to admit I’ve never given her cause to question me. She knows that when I make a promise I keep it. She knows that when I say something I back it up with my actions. And she knows that honor and integrity are extremely important to me, because that’s how I was raised by male role models I loved and respected.

Unfortunately, what has happened to kat by males in her past is a common occurrence with many women. Males breaking promises, not true to their word, and saying anything just to get what they want. There are too many males that disrespect their women in numerous ways. Too many males that speak of pride, but it’s a false pride, for they lack integrity, and have no honor.

Is it any wonder that many women have trust issues? And yes, I know that many men can say the same thing for the present day lack of integrity in females. But it is our responsibility, as Doms, to fulfill the wants and needs of our subs while keeping them protected and safe. So it is imperative that we gain their trust or they will never truly feel protected and safe. And without feeling protected and safe, they will never truly open up and give all of themselves to us and the relationship. And that’s what the D/s dynamic is all about, allowing both Doms and subs to open up and freely be who they are.

Inconsistent and Disrespectful

One of the quickest ways to spot doms that are novices, wannabes, or posers is to see their inconsistency and disrespect toward their subs. And you see this far more with those drawn to the public outlets and play sessions than for those that make it their lifestyle (for obvious reasons).

Consistent and Respectful

Mature and experienced Doms understand their responsibilities as the dominant partner, and take those responsibilities seriously. They know that consistency is a critical factor in building trust with their sub. They will go out of their way to make sure their actions mirror their words. And if they do not feel they can fulfill a promise, or cannot honestly guarantee that they can fulfill a promise, they will not make the promise. In those situations, they may simply promise to do the best that they can—which subs should also do when led into an area that’s new to them (like kat does when I introduce her to a new area within the D/s world, since this is her first D/s relationship).

Mature and experienced Doms likewise show respect to and for their subs at all times; and that includes relationships where subs yearn for, and agree to, humiliation during sessions (because it is the Dom’s responsibility to fulfill the sub’s wants and needs). Subs are always to be treated with respect within the agreed upon parameters.

For those, like kat and I, who do not pretend or merely participate in the play sessions, but include the D/s dynamic within our lifestyle, respect is crucial. She is not merely a play thing brought out for sessions; she is my soul-mate, my partner, my best friend, my confidante, my muse, and so much more. And she has grown to trust me because she has continually seen my actions mirror my words, my promises (big or small) are always kept, and I respect her at all times in all areas.

Last word

Traditional values often receive a bad rap in a progressive society. But when it comes to honor, integrity, and being true to your word, men with traditional values outshine the alternatives hands-down. They treat women with respect and take their responsibilities seriously. And if you want to be a proper Dom always be consistent with your word and respectful to your sub. It will earn the trust that’s needed for a good D/s relationship to succeed.