Some Thoughts on D/s…

For a D/s relationship to survive long term, couples need a solid foundation of vanilla (yes, I did write vanilla) love; it will carry them through the hard times all couples experience. For D/s isn’t constant and unchanging, it ebbs and flows in the way of all relationships. Stronger one day, weaker the next.

So many factors play into how intense the D/s dynamic is day to day: physical health, depression, work, family, separation, to name just a few, can take their toll. In other words, life gets in the way. And if we demand our Dom/Domme or sub to always, no matter what, fulfill their agreed-upon roll, it can harm the basic underpinnings of the relationship. Wants and needs of both can fluctuate, and the dynamic has to be adjusted accordingly.

Sometimes, amping up the D/s gets you through; but at other times, taking off the pressure by stepping back is the way to go. Each situation is different, and must be handled using your best judgement. There can even be times when extreme circumstances cause the relationship to have a distinct vanilla flavor, but that’s okay. It will not last. Not if the relationship was first built on unconditional love. (And not just lip service claiming unconditional love.)

Unconditional love accepts who you are, including the person you were before D/s. It says, “I love you, and will accept and stick by you irregardless of D/s.” It says, “If all we have from this point forward is vanilla, I am still here, will always be here.” That tells your partner you are safe with them, that you never have to pretend to be something you are not; love and commitment should not be contingent on playing a certain role.

When each person is given the freedom to just be who they are (or need to be) at any given time, without fear of consequences, they feel validated, and it enables them to meet in the middle and get the relationship, whether D/s or vanilla, back on track. Sometimes the track veers off in a slightly different direction afterward, but that’s okay. Nothing that grows stays static…it’s always in a constant state of change.

Most couples implement the D/s dynamic because one—only one—desires it. And though the one who is led to it may not need it, they recognize the other’s need, and out of love, agree. And here’s the slippery slope: if the one wanting D/s cannot compromise, if to them it’s all or nothing (the me-me-me mentality), their love is not unconditional, and the relationship will eventually fall apart. Unconditional love sees what the other needs. Unconditional love is not selfish. And unconditional love compromises.

Compromises—so much of our relationships are built upon them. Give me this, I’ll give you that. I’ll take this, you take that. And we can’t resent our partner if they aren’t playing the game exactly like we want them to. After all, are we playing exactly like they would like us to? Think about it…look at it from their side. And then meet in the middle.

Feeling Submissive

Recently, I asked Alpha to implement a ritual that would reinforce my submission to him; and I requested that he create it. Me not having a say in what the ritual is, for me, deepens that submissive feeling: I am doing what my Dom commands. And he composed a lovely mantra for me to recite while kneeling, each night before we go to sleep.

It has been hard for me to turn over control to Alpha. In the beginning, D/s sounded wonderful in theory but proved somewhat troublesome implementing. For awhile, life would go along fine for Daddy and his girl, then I would sink into depression causing my obstinate nature to kick in, my inclination to balk at any sort of authority. I wanted D/s and I didn’t want it. And added to the mix, because of past experiences, I would find myself mistrusting Alpha, though he has never, ever given me any reason to do so.

Alpha has always remained calm through my storms, even the last one which was on par with a hurricane (I wrote about it in Humble Pie, and Alpha responded in Alpha’s response to a humbled kat.) I think his background in psychology helps him understand me, so that when I’m hanging out in the wind twisting and turning and not knowing which direction a gust might blow me, he knows I need him to be my rock, solid and strong and calm. And he provides just that.

Then, when the storm passes, he soothes my fears, reassures me of his unconditional love, and makes me feel protected and safe. And we talk about what happened. Alpha knows that parts of me are broken, and wants to help me fit the pieces back together. He wants me happy, not just part of the time, but all the time. And a good part of being happy is being able to let go of the garbage in your past that has hurt you—and lord do I hang onto the bad stuff as if every rotten piece were a life preserver!

Because I agreed to a D/s relationship with Alpha, I also agreed to bare myself inside and out to him. He is privy to the real me that can be a mess at times, and he loves me in spite of myself. He loves me with a selfless love that I’ve never come close to experiencing before. That doesn’t mean there aren’t consequences when I go too far. Alpha will mete out appropriate punishment as he sees fit, which I agreed to at the start of our implementing D/s in our relationship. And putting control of my body into his hands, for both pleasure and pain, contributes to my feeling of submission to him.

When I feel submissive to Alpha, I also feel loved and safe. I feel both a mental calm, and an urgent physical need for him that ranges from desiring sweet cuddling to being ripped apart and devoured by my big, bad Wolf. Those are some powerful feelings. And you can’t get them in a vanilla relationship; at least I never have.

Giving over control to Alpha has brought me more peace than I’ve had in a very long time. And recently, I’ve been able to do away with a few of my soft and hard limits, and Alpha and I are taking my submission deeper—we’ll do baby steps, he says.

You can’t just claim you’re a submissive, and poof, you are. Just like a Dom has to walk the walk, the sub has to do it also. You can’t feel submissive without being submissive.

It may not work for everyone, but my way of feeling submissive is clearing my mind and actively listening to Alpha when he tells me in his own way that he is my Dom, that I belong to him, and will do as he says. I allow myself to feel submissive, to not let the thoughts creep in that try to tell me I am weak and needy because I want this, that I need to pull up my big girl panties and face the world alone. I let his words wash over me and through me. I don’t think; I don’t fight; I just am, and let him take control and lead us where he may.

This is not to say everything will always be smooth sailing. I’m sure in the future I’ll screw up in some fashion, for after all, I still possess a stubborn streak so ingrained I must have been born with the damn thing. But Alpha will be there to pick me up, dust me off, and set my feet back on the right path. And spank my butt if needed.

 

Trust

I’ve never been a trusting sort, especially when it comes to men. Too many times I’ve been hurt by the very ones who should have, above all others, protected me. Too many times I’ve had men who were in supposedly committed relationships hit on me. So sadly, by the time Alpha came into my life, I was pretty well soured on the opposite sex, and had no intention of investing in a relationship again. I swore to myself: never, ever, ever!

And then I met Alpha, and we became friends. And honest to God, in the beginning that’s all I thought we’d ever be. But quickly, friendship blossomed into love.

But I didn’t fully commit. I didn’t trust.

Circumstances forced us to be apart so often early in our relationship, that we got to know each other mainly through emails and phone calls. And it was during one of those long, nightly calls that Alpha told me he was an alpha male, and in subsequent ones that he desired a D/s relationship with me. I thought, er…okay…I guess…

We didn’t rush right into it. It was a gradual process of getting to know each other even better, of Alpha encouraging me to tell him my past, my thoughts, my fears, my hopes, my dreams, my fantasies. And he told me his. In all this talking (and writing), we found out how compatible we were, from basic core beliefs, to what we wanted in life, to what turned us on.

I didn’t realize at the time—though I’m sure Alpha knew—that opening ourselves up to one another as we had is a key part of D/s. That being able to share your bad side (sharing the good is easy), all those pathetic, ugly, uncharitable thoughts and feelings you keep locked away for fear you won’t be loved if you are honest, is one of the greatest gifts one person can give another. They know the very worst of you and still love you. You can let your guard down; you can trust.

And that carries over into sex. You don’t have to have a killer body because your body is loved just as it is. Just. As. It. Is. Because it houses you. The you that D/s requires you to share. You can trust.

And to me, that is the crux of D/s: trust. Trusting the other person to do their best, day after day, to put you above all others, to do what is best for you, to not hurt you, to be your defender and champion in a world that seems hell bent on crushing you. To love you unconditionally. And to give you lots of cuddles, spankings and amazing sex.

I have never been known by anyone as Alpha knows me. I have never trusted anyone as I do Alpha. He makes me feel worthy.

On my own, I would never have considered a D/s relationship; in fact, until I met Alpha, I had never heard of it, just BDSM (and wasn’t into it). But now that I’ve experienced D/s and the closeness it fosters, I can’t imagine Alpha’s and my relationship any other way. Past vanilla relationships pale in comparison. And who in their right mind would ever want to go back after experiencing a bond that unites you in mind, body, and soul? Not me!

A Dom’s Armor

Even unconditional love feels the sting
from darts of doubt tossed by a mate
It leaves you hanging with words of love
stranded on the tip of your tongue
You want to reassure them that your love
is real—and forever
Assurance spoken countless times,
now obvious to no avail
For had they truly believed it then
it would not be necessary now
But you will feel the sting,
and accept the pain,
for “unconditional” means exactly that
Through all seasons,
taking the bad with the good,
when less is more…more or less,
and the most misunderstood
is Love’s simple truth

Us Doms must have strong shoulders
when a sub’s resolve is sub-standard,
for feminine emotions swing
like Poe’s pendulum
from doubts to definite and back again
From day-after-day of depression
to better days and wild weeks
and recollections of positive memories
It’s not the knight with spotless armor,
shiny and bright, that wins battles
It’s the knight with armor weatherworn,
bloodied, battered, and bruised
that is competent and can be counted on

My armor is worn thru-and-thru
My body has scars upon scars
A perfect match for my heart
But I forever hold the high ground
where pride may come and go,
and duty may ebb and flow,
and passion may falter on any given day—
but commitment never falters—
and love
eventually
conquers all

battered knight 3

 

I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Won’t Do That)

We are music lovers…

Alpha plays drums and guitar, and has a beautiful voice; I, on the other hand, can’t sing worth a flip, doing good just to stay in tune (and play no instruments). But music has always been a big part of both our lives, both before and after we met.

Some time ago, we began sending songs to each other, via links to YouTube videos, as another way of expressing our love and devotion. Early in our relationship, knowing my mistrust of men in general, Alpha sent me “I Would Do Anything For Love” sung by Meat Loaf and Lorraine Crosby. And it became our song.

If you’re not familiar with the words, listen closely. I think every woman, whether in a D/s relationship or vanilla, wants a love like this song enbodies.