I’ve never been a trusting sort, especially when it comes to men. Too many times I’ve been hurt by the very ones who should have, above all others, protected me. Too many times I’ve had men who were in supposedly committed relationships hit on me. So sadly, by the time Alpha came into my life, I was pretty well soured on the opposite sex, and had no intention of investing in a relationship again. I swore to myself: never, ever, ever!

And then I met Alpha, and we became friends. And honest to God, in the beginning that’s all I thought we’d ever be. But quickly, friendship blossomed into love.

But I didn’t fully commit. I didn’t trust.

Circumstances forced us to be apart so often early in our relationship, that we got to know each other mainly through emails and phone calls. And it was during one of those long, nightly calls that Alpha told me he was an alpha male, and in subsequent ones that he desired a D/s relationship with me. I thought, er…okay…I guess…

We didn’t rush right into it. It was a gradual process of getting to know each other even better, of Alpha encouraging me to tell him my past, my thoughts, my fears, my hopes, my dreams, my fantasies. And he told me his. In all this talking (and writing), we found out how compatible we were, from basic core beliefs, to what we wanted in life, to what turned us on.

I didn’t realize at the time—though I’m sure Alpha knew—that opening ourselves up to one another as we had is a key part of D/s. That being able to share your bad side (sharing the good is easy), all those pathetic, ugly, uncharitable thoughts and feelings you keep locked away for fear you won’t be loved if you are honest, is one of the greatest gifts one person can give another. They know the very worst of you and still love you. You can let your guard down; you can trust.

And that carries over into sex. You don’t have to have a killer body because your body is loved just as it is. Just. As. It. Is. Because it houses you. The you that D/s requires you to share. You can trust.

And to me, that is the crux of D/s: trust. Trusting the other person to do their best, day after day, to put you above all others, to do what is best for you, to not hurt you, to be your defender and champion in a world that seems hell bent on crushing you. To love you unconditionally. And to give you lots of cuddles, spankings and amazing sex.

I have never been known by anyone as Alpha knows me. I have never trusted anyone as I do Alpha. He makes me feel worthy.

On my own, I would never have considered a D/s relationship; in fact, until I met Alpha, I had never heard of it, just BDSM (and wasn’t into it). But now that I’ve experienced D/s and the closeness it fosters, I can’t imagine Alpha’s and my relationship any other way. Past vanilla relationships pale in comparison. And who in their right mind would ever want to go back after experiencing a bond that unites you in mind, body, and soul? Not me!

A Dom’s Armor

Even unconditional love feels the sting
from darts of doubt tossed by a mate
It leaves you hanging with words of love
stranded on the tip of your tongue
You want to reassure them that your love
is real—and forever
Assurance spoken countless times,
now obvious to no avail
For had they truly believed it then
it would not be necessary now
But you will feel the sting,
and accept the pain,
for “unconditional” means exactly that
Through all seasons,
taking the bad with the good,
when less is more…more or less,
and the most misunderstood
is Love’s simple truth

Us Doms must have strong shoulders
when a sub’s resolve is sub-standard,
for feminine emotions swing
like Poe’s pendulum
from doubts to definite and back again
From day-after-day of depression
to better days and wild weeks
and recollections of positive memories
It’s not the knight with spotless armor,
shiny and bright, that wins battles
It’s the knight with armor weatherworn,
bloodied, battered, and bruised
that is competent and can be counted on

My armor is worn thru-and-thru
My body has scars upon scars
A perfect match for my heart
But I forever hold the high ground
where pride may come and go,
and duty may ebb and flow,
and passion may falter on any given day—
but commitment never falters—
and love
conquers all

battered knight 3


I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Won’t Do That)

We are music lovers…

Alpha plays drums and guitar, and has a beautiful voice; I, on the other hand, can’t sing worth a flip, doing good just to stay in tune (and play no instruments). But music has always been a big part of both our lives, both before and after we met.

Some time ago, we began sending songs to each other, via links to YouTube videos, as another way of expressing our love and devotion. Early in our relationship, knowing my mistrust of men in general, Alpha sent me “I Would Do Anything For Love” sung by Meat Loaf and Lorraine Crosby. And it became our song.

If you’re not familiar with the words, listen closely. I think every woman, whether in a D/s relationship or vanilla, wants a love like this song enbodies.

submissive Perspective

Submission is not something I granted on a whim, but with the understanding that You would love and cherish me in exchange for what I have freely given. I do not kneel to You out of fear; I kneel out of respect and the need to please You.

Understand that though I am an individual with my own wants and needs, and the desire to see them fulfilled, I want to fulfill Your wants and needs as well. My commitment to Your wellbeing in all areas of our relationship is just as strong as Yours is to me.

Believe that I will do my best to make Your life happy, that I will never intentionally disrespect You or go against Your will. I want to always be Your “good girl”, but if I fail, I will take the punishment that we agreed upon without complaint.

Mistakes will happen on both our parts, but I vow that I will not dwell on Yours, nor will I hold them against You (we are fallible beings, after all). I will never bring them up again in conversation, for as we agreed, they have been addressed and are now in the past.

Including you in every aspect of my life is my desire and my duty. I will not seek out others to take on the role of best friend or confidant or playmate, but will always count on You to fulfill those needs. And I will avail myself to You in any way You see fit, both physically and emotionally.

Showing my submission to You is something I will do every day, both in and out of the bedroom. I know that doing so brings out Your natural dominant personality, thus strengthening our D/s dynamic, allowing both of us to thrive within the relationship.

Sharing my inner self with You is my duty as Your submissive. I cannot expect you to keep me protected and safe if you don’t know my demons.

Intimacy will remain between us. I will not share my worries or concerns–especially regarding our relationship–with anyone but You. I will not allow another person, nether emotionally or physically, entrance within our sacred circle of love, trust, and respect.

Value beyond measure will always be placed on our relationship. I will never intentionally tarnish it by word or deed. I will do everything in my power to keep it strong, to make it a safe harbor for both of us, a place where there is no You or me–only us.

Envelop me in Your love, surround me with high walls only You know how to breach. I need the sanctuary of Your unconditional love to feel truly safe, to be free to be just…me.

Alpha’s Dominant Perspective here

Abstinence makes the heart grow fonder

I’m lucky enough to have a sub that gets wet at the sound of my voice, constantly yearns to be with me, and desires sex as much as I do. So why the hell would I think a period of abstinence would make the heart grow fonder? Well, to be honest, normally I wouldn’t. And yet, it was an act of abstinence this past week that showed me how considerate and caring kat is, and reminded me once more why I love her unconditionally.

Medical issues, a trip to the emergency room, and several days of pain and little sleep are not conducive to maintaining a constant state of arousal. Gee, imagine that. But it did show what a blessing it is to have a relationship where each mate places the immediate needs of the other over their own.

Kat nearly worried herself sick over my pain and discomfort, and she constantly reminded me that she’s always there when I need her.

You may think this is normal in your life and relationship, and if so I congratulate you and hope it always remains that way. Unfortunately my past relationships have been very different. For instance, my first wife chose to create a full-blown scene in the hospital recovery room (after one of my many surgeries) over something she claims I said (that made no sense) while I was fading in and out—still under the influence of the anesthesia. And my second wife—who stayed home while I was in the VA hospital for surgery—wanted me to fuck her brains out the moment I came home after a week all bandaged up with dozens of internal stitches and external staples.

That’s why it is so refreshing to have kat by my side. She is considerate, not selfish and self-centered. And even though I’m the Dom and she’s my sub, she worries as much about me as I do her.

However, with that said, she also knows when to please me.

She knew I was feeling much better today so she surprised me with an arousing opportunity that I immediately jumped on (more than once), followed by cuddling and conversation, and she topped it off with sexy gifts she knows I treasure.

So, in this instance, abstinence did make the heart grow fonder. But it also created enough sexual tension and anticipation to explode when my physical ability once again matched my desire for my sexy adorable sub—he says with a huge smile on his face.