Is D/s my real life?

I noticed that several blogs have been pondering the question “Is D/s my real life?” Five simple words, but the more I thought about it the more it intrigued me. And yet, the more convoluted it also became, for I realized it could go in various directions depending upon what perspective I chose.

For instance, I was brought into the D/s world as a teenager. And those who read the posts where I explained how that occurred might recall that it was a long-term negative experience. So, one might pose the question, how could it be my real life if I was manipulated into it by an authority figure over twice my age?

On the other hand, I am a natural Alpha male. So, even in my off-and-on periods of vanilla life I was the rugged individualist that was always in traditional male-led relationships.

Hell, even as a teenager, the Alpha in me couldn’t be completely suppressed. I eventually turned my manipulator’s tricks against her: controlling her for the last half of the relationship, before severing ties with her to go into the military.

My first marriage was not D/s oriented, but my second was. And during the long period between the two, when playing the field, there were far more so-called vanilla relationships than D/s. And yet, D/s clearly held the stronger sexual attraction if you go by labeled definitions.

Does that stronger sexual attraction prove D/s is my “real” life? Not really. As a natural Alpha I enjoyed the same sexual pleasures—with few exceptions—in my vanilla relationships that I presently enjoy in my D/s relationship.

Vanilla girls that were attracted to me as a “bad boy” when I was younger, or to my rugged individualism when I was older, allowed me to push their sexual boundaries with little resistance.

If that’s true, why do I choose to live in a 24/7 D/s relationship? And doesn’t being in a 24/7 D/s relationship prove D/s is my “real” life? — Not necessarily.

What I realized when trying to answer this question is that saying yes or no is purely built on social constructs. If I’m the same natural Alpha in my vanilla existence that I am in my D/s existence, then how can one be more “real” than the other?

It can’t be.

The truth is that I am the same person in both vanilla and D/s worlds. The difference is not me, because I’m the same person whether I’m actively in one or the other.

The difference is how I am perceived by those caught-up in the social constructs of the vanilla and D/s worlds. In other words, society’s long-standing need to label everything and everyone for quick and easy reference.

Then why choose one or the other if both lifestyles are social constructs? Because humans predominantly make that choice based on either familiarity (how they were raised), or where they feel more accepted and allowed to be themselves.

I choose a 24/7 D/s lifestyle because that label is the closest fit to me within the social constructs of vanilla or D/s. For instance, several of the vanilla females that allowed me to spank and fuck their asses had nothing but derogatory things to say about women in D/s relationships, or D/s in general. Which doesn’t make a lot of sense (because I do the same activity in both worlds), but they are hung-up on the labels.

The D/s community is not much different. It’s a social construct just like the vanilla world, but my so-called kinky proclivities in the vanilla world allow me to be more accepted in the D/s world. But I’m the same person either way, in either world.

So, is D/s my “real” life? Absolutely not. And neither is vanilla or any other socially constructed label. But D/s is the closest label I have to use within society to explain certain parts of who I am and how I choose to live with kat.

Kat and I chose our relationship together based on the unconditional love we have for each other. And we chose to utilize D/s to enhance the relationship. But it is still just a label attached to behavior or activities that I would do with or without the label. In fact, it was a part of me long before I was “in” the D/s community. The label just makes it easier to explain because it’s based on a social construct they can relate to…not really because it’s who I am or not.

BDSM Language Barrier

The inevitable problem
of being in D/s or BDSM
comes when talking to female or fella’
that are strictly vanilla.
It’s the language barrier
that gets harrier and scarier, as time goes by.
For instance, they think abrasion play
is like skinning a knee in a game of touch football,
while foot ball for a foot fetish
is an entirely different sort of touch.
Similarly, the vanilla set think bastinado
is a Nintendo fishing game,
instead of pain play to the soles of feet.
And pussy whipping to vanillas
can never be a politically correct treat.
Belting to vanillas has to do with fighting,
they don’t consider spankers and spankees.
And their handkerchiefs are mostly snot catchers,
not a BDSM code displayed with hankies.
Now, vanilla racks are either furniture or hunting trophies,
not BDSM codes of conduct or torture tables.
Vanillas often think fisting
is the act of a congratulatory fist bump,
not fist-fucking anus or vagina
like told in erotic fables.
Some vanillas think a ball gag is a juggler’s trick,
not something you can use on a sassy sub.
And they think a ball tie is a Father’s Day gift,
not a bondage position all secured to rub.
Some vanillas think a Black Sheet Party
has something to do with the KKK
instead of a BDSM orgy.
They think psycholangy is head shrinker lingo,
not cumming on command.
“Hot damn!” they say.
And they think rimming is a basketball term
or salting a margarita glass,
not lustfully licking an ass.
I even know a vanilla that thinks anal sex
is a hillbilly matrimonial warning,
such as, “Leave yer’ cousin be—
a’ no sex til’ yer’ hitched.”
And a vanilla switch is a parental tool,
attitude adjustment for a naughty child,
not a sub domming, or Dom subbing.
Oh, what a change of rubbing that makes.
Some vanillas think a bondage bunny
is a contraption for dispatching rabbits
in preparation for Mulligan Stew,
instead of a sexy sub tied and gagged
for her Dom to use as a Dom will do.
Scatting is a jazz term for vanillas,
not a type of fetish
requiring multiple showers to get clean,
and probably a plunger or Drano,
and it’s best to pinch your nose.
It gives a whole different meaning to,
“There she blows!”
Most vanillas think edging is used in yard work,
they can’t comprehend repeated orgasmic denial.
Plus, they think forniphillia
probably has something to do with flora and fauna,
but are obviously shocked to discover
it’s a sub used as home décor’, like a seat in a sauna.
Many vanillas think a gimp
is someone with a hitch in their git-along,
like a disabled vet;
so, it’s quite the rub to find it’s a gay sub.
In the vanilla world,
daughters are given away by fathers in matrimony…
a proud moment.
But quite the opposite when a Dom gives away
a sub to another Dom
for absolutely nothing in exchange.
“How strange,” they say.
Now, impact play to vanillas
remind them of demolition derby or cage fights,
not whips and paddles
for fleshy Dom and sub battles with orgasmic delights.
As for impalement,
vanillas consider things like splinters in fingers,
nails through feet, or sticks in eyes.
They can’t comprehend being bound in place,
orifices filled, and climactic cries.
In the vanilla world a parachute
is used primarily for skydiving,
not segregating scrotum and penis
for some pleasure-pain conniving.
As for stocks,
a financial investment for vanillas—
hopefully for gain.
But in BDSM it’s a place to captivate a Dom
with a captive sub
for humiliation, pleasure, and pain.
On and on I can go
with these various words and defined roles.
But, what’s the use?
We know the vanilla is often bland or mundane,
while BDSM is often pleasure or abuse.
And we come away thinking vanillas are boring,
while they often think…
we have more than a few screws loose.