Alpha’s Bawdy Word Play: 15th edition

[Alpha’s modern version of bawdy rhymes and erotica similar to the burlesque and vaudeville periods.]

Salt-Peter
Do they still use salt-peter?
As they did quite long ago
When I was a boy
Or the boy was my dad
They slipped it in the meals
In the food that we had
Never given a choice
No voice of our own
And never had to be bad
A mess hall recipe’
In male-only institutions
A secret solution
To nature’s need…and morning woody
When missing your girl or wife
They figured less arousal…less strife
So, they measured out the salt-peter
A pleasure killing dirty trick
But some of us overcame
And still played the sexy game
When you can’t use a salty peter
You please your girl with a salty lick

Harry Hunk
Harry Hunk worked daily to build muscle
It serves him well for he’s won every tussle
He was hired to test security
To protect a queen’s purity
And he failed to get past her chastity belt and bustle

1849er Miner
An eighteen-forty-niner miner
Awoke with a notable shiner
Though he had no clue how he got it

A rather nice gent, his gold dust now spent
Bought rounds for the house, got fractured and bent
None of which explained how he got hit

A choice to survive, no wagon he would drive
A walk in fresh air might even revive
So, off thru the park at a non-sober strut

He chatted quite gleefully at nobody really
A fantasy wife he could touch quite freely
Except he groped and he grabbed a real butt

The gal was Miss Lucy, curvaceous and juicy
Who became quite flirtatious after the goosey
Though she turned rather quick…and oh my!

Her sizable breasts made her bra overstressed
Which blew off her blouse and left her half-dressed
That created an epidemic of male bug-eyes

Her clothes tattered and rent, and the miner a nice gent
He removed his own shirt and it was lent
To Miss Lucy who did cover, though she wasn’t really shy

But her fiancé’ had seen the eye-catching scene
Some say from his ears they saw steam
While he reared back and let the punch fly

The miner had luck, he was able to duck
Though confused, he yelled, “What the fuck!”
And flight, not fight, took control

Away he did run like a son of a gun
With his tipsy side thinking it’s fun
Till he tripped and forgot to tuck and roll

He saw a lady’s crack as she bent by a snack shack
So, down he went to earn the shiner now black
Which tells that part of the tale

But the snacking diner knew the drunken miner
A crush she had for him, this Miss. Spiner
And she took him home and offered him her tail

Her tail was far from rotten, so on her sheets of cotton
The miner’s shiner was quickly forgotten
And their faces both did glow

The miner struck it rich, a fine lady not a bitch
So, all was perfect for him, except for one glitch
If he ever drank again he’d be black and blue from head to toe

Leap Frog
While trying to create a trend
For both women and men
A chap with cross-eyes
Said, “Why don’t we sexualize
The child’s game of Leap Frog?”

Both sexes au natural
With women wearing strap-ons of hard gel
Each want to penetrate and pound
So, all crouch froggy style in the round
And leap over one to hump another bum like a horny dog

Alpha’s Bawdy Word Play: 14th edition

[Alpha’s modern version of bawdy rhymes and erotica similar to the burlesque and vaudeville periods.]

Johnny Six-Fingers
Johnny Six-Fingers
Was a singer
Who sang to the cops they say
He played the dice
And lived rather nice
Till craps altered his play
He thought it a lark
Saw Mac, the loan shark
Intent on rising again
He only aroused ire
Soon came under fire
From the mob’s collection men
When caught he did fidget
Losing digit after digit
He screamed and shed a few tears
It singled his focus
With a deadly hocus-pocus
He learned to prey on men’s fears
Turned shark against shark
Blood flowed in the dark
Gallons to appease his loss
When all was said and done
It wasn’t luck that won
Johnny’s brains made him the top boss
Johnny never did squeal
He made the cops a new deal
All for the sake of survival
For a piece of the pie
In this game of do-or-die
They took down rival after rival
He let his seconds oversee
While he lived a life of luxury
While spreading thighs for a kinky kick
He satisfied the pussy
Loved to make it extra juicy
With his tongue and six-finger trick

Ain’t no hero, ain’t no glory
Ain’t even a moral to this story
Sometimes life is just a throw of the dice
Those who win and those who lose
See how both sides break the rules
Survival of the fittest, or fittest for the vice

A Pussy Tale
From the lips of a friend I heard a tale
About a pussy that couldn’t swim but loved to sail
Until a shark fin
Knocked the pussy in
So, the pussy was now sushi, except for half its tail

Gypsy from Poughkeepsie
The gypsy from Poughkeepsie
Known for her hot sexy tail
She’ll spin you a yarn
And steal without harm
And never sees the inside of jail

The gypsy from Poughkeepsie
Has the tightest little tush
A consummate liar
With eyes of passion fire
Every man’s desire to enter and push

The gypsy from Poughkeepsie
That only takes it in the rear
She grifts and cons
Scams, jams, and slams
Then takes a jack-hammerin’ without fear

The gypsy from Poughkeepsie
With the “A” number one ass
Will steal you blind
While blowin’ your mind
Self-lovin’ with a dildo of glass

The gypsy from Poughkeepsie
With and All-American prime rump
Loves to wheel and deal
But takes time to feel
The pleasure and pain of a ravishing hump

The gypsy from Poughkeepsie
With a symmetrically beautiful butt
Has to steal to survive
But truly feels alive
With her chosen role as an anal slut

 

Have a good day!

 

Alpha’s Bawdy Word Play: 11th edition

[Alpha’s modern version of bawdy word play and erotica like the vaudeville and burlesque period.]

 

Ravished
You dirty cad
You’re being so bad
So vile and so forward
Another broken promise
Never again will I trust your word
You scoundrel
You boar
You’re the type I deplore
Your straying hands…
Away, I say
How they grope and tear
Leaving my bosom bare
You paw me like a horny dog
I swoon with fear and lustful fog
As you seek more between my thighs
You hear my moans but not my cries
How rude and vile to ravish me more
But, pray tell, are you sure you’ve locked the door?

Hidey Hole
Blue skies above
Green grass below
Just right for picnic games
Playing Hidey Hole
You show me your pet snake
It loves the stroke and roll
But not as much as a super blow
In my first Hidey Hole
Then it takes a Southern trip
Just how far does it go?
It goes deep—repeatedly
Making my next Hidey Hole…purr
“Thank you, sir,” I say
“But where does your snake now stray?”
“Behind you, dear,” he says
“Like a spear it’ll pierce your rear”
This Hidey Hole he won’t soon leave
He’ll fuck it the rest of the day

Elusive Bliss
There isn’t much to see when you’re raised in a barrio
But every boy in the ‘hood would pay to see my sister, Rosa Ario
If you want her to shed her panties
You each have to up your antes
Cuz’ we work as a team; I’m the flesh peddling impresario

I stimulate their lust addiction with girls that show too much
But always leaving them wanting more; they can look but not touch
Yes, I tease to please with my sis
I sell the ever-elusive bliss
But for those that cross the line, even their cocks will need a crutch

The Nerd
The little dweeb came up to me acting like a player
Wearing silk with a wad of condoms; he fancies himself a love slayer
But platform shoes and an Elvis toupee’
The Woody Allen look his only woody today
Guarantees this nerd hasn’t got a prayer

What’s that? A million dollars! Right this way, honey-bunch
You don’t have to be a player…
With enough cash to be a payor

Alpha’s Bawdy Word Play: 7th edition

[Alpha’s modern Bawdy Word Play, Erotica, & Tongue Twisters: similar to the Vaudeville & Burlesque periods.]

 

Wedding Night (mare)
Had a fright on wedding night, a dream did overshadow
Nightmare spawned the fear, a vision did foreshadow
My wife was unclad
Acting nasty and bad
Though not with me, another cast in shadow

Bullies
Two bullies heard I’d been raised with a wet nurse
That I’d been raised polite, and didn’t even curse
They assumed I was gay
And with me they’d have their way
So, I now use their scrotums for a man-purse

Matadors
A bull’s schlong is so long
They sell them as walking canes
That’s why matadors fight them
Obsessive penis envy of their brains

Last Ride
Do you think you could drive a hearse
And recite a spontaneous verse
When the dead arise
Right before your eyes
Without shitting yourself or shouting a curse?

 

Have a nice day!

Alpha’s Bawdy Word Play: 6th Installment

This is a modern version of Bawdy Word Play, Erotica, or Tongue Twisters similar to the Vaudeville & Burlesque periods.

 

Joy lost, Joy gained
A boy with a toy had hours of joy
From dawn till dusk he did play
But the boy with the toy lost his joy
When a bully took his toy away
Then a girl with a pearl that liked to twirl
Met the boy in the woods one day
Saw a tear in his eye; said, “Please, don’t cry
We can share what no bully can take away.”
“I have a lock and you have a key,
It’ll bring us pleasure and great joy.”
“What trick are you trying to play?
I see no lock or key,” said the boy.
“Not in our hands, but between our thighs
Is the lock and key that will bring us highs”
Then she gave him a look,
And allowed him to touch
Then she treated him to a taste
Which he loved very much
And his years of being chaste
Appeared to be coming to an end
As she guided his cock into her cunt
And softly whispered, “I like you more than a friend.”

Belle’s Bell
Belle’s bell is rung with dick and tongue
When on the clit it plays
But when alone there’s still a tone
For Belle has found other ways
Without dick or tongue her bell is still rung
When each musical finger strays

New Girl
My new girl is not from this planet
Her twat muscles are as strong as granite
The tight restriction
Causes fiery friction
That gets smoking hot to trot when you fan it

Massage
The closest thing to a magic love potion
Is a full-body erotic massage with lotion
You knead it like dough
Arousal ebbs and flows
And climax comes in waves like the ocean